Who do you see? Is it the real me?
Or the one I show you?
Over the last years of my life I have become very good at pretending I am all right. That nothing is wrong. That I am happy and going through life as I always have.
There is no one close to me to know the difference. No one knows me well enough. No one to call me on it when I pretend.
Looks can be deceiving and I am good at hiding, at covering up, at being who or what you expect me to be. I've done it so long it is possible that I don't know who she is either. Who am I?
The person I was at 40 or 50 or 60 is not the one who is here now. When I look back on those years it's as though I was someone else entirely. Not me at all but someone to fit the roll I was playing. So the question now is, who am I really? To be honest, I'm not sure. I don't think I know.
To be so many different people in so many different situations, I had to be good at playing the part. I honed my skills. In doing so I got better and better at being someone else. And I slipped away. No one noticed. No one cared. It's the same today. The ones who think they know me, because they have known me for years, only know the one I let them see.
I know things about me. I know I am no good at communicating my displeasure or dislike about certain subjects. I learned at a very early age that I could never disagree with my mother. She considered a difference of opinion to be argumentative and that was not allowed. If I could not have my opinion at home where would I learn the proper way to communicate this information? They didn't teach it in school.
My first marriage was to a man who used to drill into me that no one of any intelligence would be able to understand anything I said so don't even try. At that time of my life I was far from home, isolated, married to a man I grew to hate, was trapped with no idea how to change that. I was in my 30's when I finally broke free. I found a friend who believed in me and helped me. For the next 12 years I was in heaven on earth. I trusted and believed and loved a man with my whole heart. I had a life I only dreamed could happen to me. Then it ended when I discovered he was having an affair with a woman he knew from high school. My world came crashing down. Devastation was all I knew. The walls came up, I learned to survive on my own, I went to work, I came home, I locked the door behind me and hid until I had to be at work the next day. I couldn't afford the mortgage and had to sell my home. I went through the motions of breathing and doing what I had to do but I was lost, the life I had, the man I believed in, and trusted with my whole being, had lied to me and cheated on me. It ruined me. I had panic attacks, I was afraid of everything. Then I got angry. I was mad at the world, at men, why did this happen to me?! I knew I caused something to break, I knew it was my fault but what had I done? I went to counseling. I tried but the sessions always ended and nothing helped. The counselor thought I was okay, I was stable, I was adapting well. Really??? What were they missing? It was costing me money, I quit going. I guess it was the beginning of another new me. Another fake me.
This new me was the party girl. I was alone. I have always loved to dance and so when I had an invitation to go out with the girls, go dancing, I decided to give it a try. I met new friends, I loved the music, I loved to dance. I did this every week end. New places to try, more bands to follow. There were some nights when I hardly sat down. I was on the dance floor all night long. But I was popular. I had a good figure, I dressed well, my hair was long and blonde and I never turned down a dance. Fast dancing that is. When the music got slow and men were looking around, I hid or I said no. I didn't dance slow with anyone. I wasn't interested in being that close to a man ever again. I was there for the music, the band, and to dance and boy could I dance! I had rhythm, I danced to the music, changed my moves to the changes of the beat of the music. I had my own style. Maybe that was me? The real me?
That was a long time ago. Good times while they lasted. I stayed single a long while, but I did find one guy who was special. We were together 5 years. Then I found out that he was cheating on me too. I had the same reaction. Devastation, anger, betrayal, and I came to realize that every boy or man I had ever had any trust or faith in, had left me or cheated on me. My record with men was consistent. I was a loser. I picked the wrong men? Or did I change? Was I not the one they wanted after all so I was dumped? What happened to love? Was it ever there? Did I just imagine it? Was I playing a part? Do I know what love is? What it means? What it should feel like and look like? Will I ever know?
At this stage of my life, when I no longer can do any of the things I loved to do. And I have gone from the party girl to the old woman recluse, will there be a time when the me who has been hiding for so long comes out? Quite frankly, the question remains, does anyone really care who she is, or why she went away, or will I always be living behind the walls I have up? And wondering who am I really?
