Imagine a point in our life where we feel the endless fall to the unknown, where the wind just harshly hits your face as the speed is picked up and realistically you are just waiting for that hard hit at the end of the fall. Imagine believing in God all of your life, then suddenly beginning to question if he is real, and if he truly is the miracle worker?" The endless feeling of hopelessness, and loneliness, and hardships stinging the heart, then feeling guilty because; How can you question your creator? Becoming so depressed, that being around people makes you sick and uncomfortable, shutting down from the world, because really it feels like the right thing to do. Suddenly feeling how the body is taking a toll, because the sadness has overpowered every ounce of your heart, bones, flesh, mind. Just when it feels life is over, and it's time to throw the towel you hear a voice saying, "Do not fear, you are capable, you will get through this, you will not fail, you are an overcomer, you are meant to rise again, you will not hit the floor." But something in your mind shuts down that voice and replaces it with, "What in the world is going on, where is my calling, where is my purpose, where is my God?"
I want to share a story without a happy ending, that happened to me this year, I know it will be a blessing for your life if you have entered a depressing stage in life full of failure, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Hope is not always finding your miracle, hope and happiness is finding the peace and the serenity in the worst moments of your life, through God, someone you can not see, but someone who is always there and whom we need to learn to trust.
In the Year 2023, life was going as stable and blessed as it could be. My husband and I begun a business with some friends, and it was going great and amazing, however things begun to take a toll In May of 2024 a year and a half later, in a blink of an eye the business shifted in a very drastic negative way. We had heavily invested most of what we had and had worked so hard for. Changing from the business topic to my health, for the first time ever, I begun to have severe panic and anxiety attacks, to be honest I had never experienced anything like it before, due to my emotional issues I then gained quite a bit of weight, and to make matters worse, my teeth and gums begun to hurt severely, when I went to the dentist the dentist told me my teeth where in a really bad shape and I needed around 5-10k to get everything taken care of before matters got worse. I felt so alone, and so hopeless and I began to bottle all of my feelings inside, I would not tell my husband the very bad things that were about to happen to our business because I already felt like a failure, and I didn't want him to begin feeling those things like I was feeling. Im 34 years old and Having the risk of loosing my teeth took a toll on my self esteem and emotions. I can not afford to get a new smile right now, and learning to live with the pain in my gums and teeth and knowing they will soon become loose and fall out also takes a heavy toll. I wouldn't tell my leaders of the church the tsunami hitting my life in every angle, because it felt that every time I needed to express something I was stuck in the "You don't know how to control feelings, you have anger issues, you need to pray more, you need to read the bible more, you can't be weak, you always fall in the same stage, that is why your always attacked by the devil in the same areas, you can't serve God yet because its not your time, no you can not move in this way either because you're just not ready, for years being ministered in the same way and feeling like a failure because I cant ever be good enough." It seemed that ministering for my life was always a reminder of how much I sucked, how weak I was, don't get me wrong it is not like they would rudely tell me that directly in those exact words, sometimes I would get told I had potential but it always came with the whole list of what was wrong with me, so in this process I was so broken that the last thing I needed was a reminder why I couldn't hold the ministry I really felt called for, and instead had to conform to where I was positioned at according to my personality and capabilities in their eyes, I felt so stuck regardless if i prayed for hours or days that I wouldn't pray at all.
Every time I would express my feelings, I would question why it was not God's time to bless me with my ministerial dreams that were for him and because of him I had them to begin with. I continued to bottle everything in never telling a soul, I begun drifting away from my leaders, from my husband, from my co-workers, from my friends.
I wish I could tell you things got so much better right away, but God had a plan for my life and lessons to teach me, Patience to be learned, and self love to be discovered in the middle of my pain. I learned Hypocrisy and mastered it to the best of my acting, going to church and smiling, like life was so perfect, even though in reality it was pretty much over, I begun to have suicidal thoughts, and all I could think about was the day that I stopped breathing oh how lucky I would be. Every time I would look in the mirror, I would begin looking and trying to imagine myself without teeth, because no, at this point I would not have 10k to fix my teeth, as i looked in the mirror I was beginning to get so angry, as a child no one had taken care of my teeth, I never visited a dentist until I was an adult, and now I was facing consequences of my childhood, that I never had control of. The questions "Where is my God? Where is my Hope? Where is my promise that he will always be by myside, Where is my provider?"
I begun to pray and call upon the Lord, and before things were better, they became worse, I wish i could tell you that all of these things became nothing and that My husband and I received all of our miracles and that my life is now perfect. Unfortunately that wont be the case to this story. The thing is that little by little, my husband and I found peace in God, peace in being broke, peace in having legal problems, peace in constantly having pain until now in my teeth and gums, peace in the middle of not feeling good enough for him, peace in my confusion of why in the world I'm alive, peace in the middle of starting life all over again, peace in almost losing everything, Peace in our failures, peace in God in general.
Geeting close to concluding on how I found the peace of God in the middle of the storm, the month of November was the worst part of everything I was going through. While reading the word of God, I came across to the verse we have all heard a million times, and probably my favorite verse of the bible, "For those who love the Lord, all things help them for their good." I began meditating a lot on that verse, I was actually in a point of getting on to anti-depressants to numb my pain, and i begun to look back to God's goodness when everything was going great, when no pain or depression, or suicidal thoughts were coming to my mind, just the awesome and goodness of God. Then at that point I asked myself, If I lost everything right now, my family, my house, my car, my teeth, my appearance, my legs, my arms, my health, "Would I still love God?" Do I trust and love him because he gives me everything I want, or do I love him for who he is?
I was then when I repented, it was then that I understood, I trust God not because I am going to get my way every time. I trust God not because he performed a miracle on my life, I trust God not because he fixed my teeth and gave me a perfect stability in my emotions, I Trust God not because I'm perfect and worthy, I TRUST GOD BECAUSE WHATEVER OUTCOME HAPPENS IN MY LIFE HE IS GOD, HE WILL NOT GIVE ME MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. I TRUST GOD BECAUSE HE MADE ME FOR HIM AND FOR HIS GLORY, I TRUST GOD NOT BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD ENOUGH BUT BECAUSE THROUGH HIM I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
If soon my teeth fall off he will still love me, If we can not pay of many debts that we have, he will still love me, if I move to another city like we have planned he will still be there, for he is God and I trust and love him for all of his goodness not just the bad things he allows to happen in my life to make me stronger and more humble and patient. As I look back that is exactly what happened in my life through all of the pain, God simply made me a better person. Today I don't come to you to tell you all your problems are about to end. Mine have not ended, I wont sit here typing telling you that I am no longer tempted to get on anti-depressants because I am perfectly happy, that is false. Today I just want to tell you, God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus are a sufficient light for your darkest days, life is not all about praying and reading the bible all day to try to find answers, Life is actually about that but also taking the time to breath in what God has to tell you in the quiet and still moments while meditating on his goodness. My questions are no longer, "Where is my God? Where is my Hope? Where is my Provider?" My statement is now, Whatever happens I know he will still love me, and that is good enough for me. When we understand that he is good and bigger then all of our bad experiences, we learn that whatever happens, something good will come out even if its just a good lesson, its still so good for our life. God bless you may his peace and comfort find you in the darkest days as it has found me. Always remember to do something that you love every day, always take a moment to thank God even in the worst moments of your life, there is a reason for every season. I know my God will provide me and give me a beautiful smile, and new teeth, I also know he is about to do something extraordinary in my life, because he wont let me fall. However I have also learned, I have learned from my mistakes and will not repeat them again. Keep your head up, God has never lost a battle.