God, remember when you created me in my mothers womb, how with your tenderness you designed me and gave me life? I can not remember what you said because I was just an Embryo, but I know in that instant you prophesized upon my life, wonderful things were written about my life, victories in challenges, miracles in adversities, goodness, direction, comfort in tears, understanding in confusion. In the moment you breathed life upon me, you knew I would be yours forever. In your eyes of a loving father there was purpose, there was inheritance, there was favor, there was so much love.
Everything would have been great, and everything would have most likely come to be as you had spoken upon me, until I was given free will. Free will was a curse in my life, it brought my sinful nature, and it truly showed my true colors. Everything I ever promised you God, was forgotten. Remember when I told you I would always honor you and serve you? Remember when I told you I would change the world, leave a legacy, I would be bold, and courageous and even if I lost everything I would still love you? Well I lied, it took very little to break me, and it took very little to weaken me, it took so little to bring out all the disappointment that I could possibly cause you. I found myself walking away from your love, protection, provision, joy, comfort, and revelation.
Life became wake up, go to work, come back home and shut my self in my room, be lazy and depressed. Without realizing I became glued to my bed, and attached to food, being conscious of how little by little I destroyed my health, destroyed my body and destroyed my future. You know what my problem is? I don't take accountability for my actions, I am beyond ungrateful, and I took your presence for granted, I felt that I could do anything and you would still be there. The talents, the gifts and the promises were not important in my life, because if they had been I would not of turned my back on you. Being very realistic, my cynic attitude, my entitlement and airs of superiority killed my purpose. As I lost everything that really mattered in life, things really didn't dawn upon me until I was too deep in the hole. Honestly until I felt there was no longer second, third, fourth chances, and definitely no road to reconciliation.
My mind is spinning with questions, regrets, and sadness. My life is full of regrets, and I feel my life coming to an end. I can not say I don't know where I changed, because you and I both know exactly where my life went downhill. I'm stuck in a sea of confusion, the sea awaits for the opportunity to suck me in. The joy I used to have is now gone, the hope I once had is now gone, the dreams that were once important no longer mattered. When I see myself I feel guilty, guilty I'm not living up to your dreams for me, and even though you have not given me standards, I know your work sufficiently for me to understand I'm not making you proud. God I let you down and I am so sorry. The struggle to reconciliation is real, how can I know that you are with me, when I know perfectly well I don't deserve you. How can I possibly expect help from you, when I only come to you when I need something. How can I hope for reconciliation, if I know I fail you again and again.
Lord Please help me, my heart screams for your glory, descend one more time, and ignite the fire of your presence in my heart. Lord fall down upon me, like a fierce strong wind that blows all the fears, regrets, lies, away from my life. Lord send your Spirit to my life and may he breath life upon this dry soul, anoint me with oil, so that I may be healed. Lord my lamp is off, and all out of oil, in my dark, cold, gray heart, if only, oh if only you came with your passion and your love and filled my cup with your supernatural presence. I am so hungry to be able to forgive myself, I am so hungry for a 360 degrees change of direction. My life longs to understand so much pain that I carry and so many unanswered prayers and questions. I am in a battle between right and wrong, between accepting your will and fighting against it. Fighting against it, knowing it is impossible to win, just help me understand, just help me love you, like you deserve.
The Path to reconciliation is so difficult for me because even though I know your perfection and holiness is not to be questioned, I cant help but question your purpose and your plans in my life. Where were you when I felt so alone through out my childhood, with no father figure or a close relationship with my mom? Where were you as I was brought to a country with no citizenship at such a young age, the struggle of living in a land with no identity, and no identity in my birth country either? Where were you when I was diagnosed with infertility and knew I would never have children? Where were You as I was hit and abused by my stepfather, I just can't stop wondering where were you? My mind goes crazy trying to understand your love, because I know the sacrifice Jesus made for me, I know that you didn't do all those things to me. I understand the free will in people, but why Lord would you allow me to go through so much pain. Why would you allow me to lose so much in life? Why did you make me obese, I try my hardest to deal with my eating disorder, I try my hardest to deal with the depression and the confusion that hit my life out of nowhere.
The reality is I can't reach reconciliation with my God, because of my stubbornness, because of my lack of understanding and acceptance. However, I don't lose hope that he will be my rescue and my refuge, and soon he will dig me out of my hole. The hole is so dark, and so cold, I look around and see no light, I see no exit, I see no future, but my God will rescue me. I am patiently awaiting his salvation, his response, and his help of guidance to my reconciliation with him. I have learned, I have grown, I don't care for anything more than peace, and love in my troubled heart and mind. Lord please don't take to long, for my days, hours and seconds are coming to an end, I can not waste another second, Lord the Clock is ticking.