Life has been so difficult, through out my life that sometimes the only two words that come to my mind are scars and ashes. In reality if I am being honest I should add my 3rd favorite word that comes to mind, "grace." There came a point in my life where I was so down that I only had wishes, desires, and complaints what if I was successful? What if life was different? What if I had another life, another mentor, another family, another body, another career, and another personality? While dwelling in negativity I wasted part of my life, I saw it wash away without purpose, without learning to love and cherish what I actually had. Let's be real for a second, life as they say is a tough cookie for some of us, there are days where it's a failure after another, a bad decision after another, a fight after a fight and a struggle after a struggle, and yet we still stand tall, but we don't focus on how strong God really built us to be, we actually focus on how weak we are in our eyes, how much of a failure we are, and how low of a self esteem we actually have, specially as a woman.
Before I share some of my experiences and lessons learned, one of the biggest challenges I face, there are days when I feel I can fly specially if life is going my way, and other days I feel splattered all over hard cold cement. What really goes on in my head? Why am I so unstable in my mind, heart, emotions and why is my focus all in the wrong place most of the time? I dream with no patience, prayer, and guidance.; hoping that with a snap of my fingers, God says "boom, dream accomplished."
Personality and the way I deal with life, was a reflection of the patterns at home that I saw while growing up. With that said, I will add that it is not an excuse to adapt forever and cross my arms and legs and say, "Oh well my childhood sucked, poor me." As a woman who loves God, it cost me a lot of heartache before learning to not dwell in my past. going from a victim mental stage to a survivor mental stage. However, when I took the decision to forgive and let go, for a moment I thought a miracle would take place where I suddenly didn't remember my past, boy was I wrong. When someone has a open wound, depending on the severity, the doctor treats that wound, but, the deeper the wound, the bigger the scar. When there is a fire, the bigger the fire , the bigger the mess of ashes, to remind everyone something burned and destroyed away. However, when something scars, it is a reminder to the body, that it has the power to heal, and what hurt and bled didn't kill you. When there is a fire that destroys everything on sight, the ashes are cleaned away and opportunity for new construction takes place. That is the terms God taught me to deal with my past. Healing and opportunity for construction, that is how God wants us to look at everything that hurts us.
My heart deals with all of heart ache every day, a lot of trauma, and memories I battle trying to make them go away. The truth is no matter how much you love God, and how much of a miracle worker he is, your trauma's will never disappear, you will never forget what you went through, however the goal is to remember them as scars and not open wounds. To remember your traumas as an opportunity to build something bigger and better from all those ashes and burnt joy. Through pain, you discover purpose and passion after your forgiving phase, because you must be healed before you can heal others.
I had to heal and accept the fact that no matter how much I wanted to become a mother, God's plan for my life was never for me to become one. I remember many ministers and many people and family members praying away that I would receive the gift to become a mother, but it just wasn't God's will, and after many years he told me through a person that he had other plans for my life, using the scripture in the Bible verse where Hannah's husband asks her "Am I not better to you than ten sons?" 1 Samuel 1:8. God used that example for my life for me to understand that his goodness and his love, and his plans for my life were perfect in every way, and were sufficient to fill the biggest void and black hole in my heart.
I had to heal and scar and accept the fact that no matter how much I tried and watched my weight, I would always be chuncky. I was built being on the bigger side, ever since I was born. I was born close to 10 pounds, and I am very tall as an adult, I have thick arms, thick legs built and that is just how God created me. I had to settle and accept that he gave me a beautiful face, and a beautiful heart for him and that was sufficient. No matter how much people's opinions matter to me, at the end of the day to God they are nothing. Whenever he decides to use me, he isn't going to go ask anyone, if they would grant him permission to do something in my life, he is simply going to take my ashes and scars and finish building a woman of truth, of faith and full of potential for his glory.
I had to heal and scar and accept that in any church you attend opinions, and several titles that others want to title you with do not define you. I had to learn that just because you attend a church, it doesn't mean the church is perfect, just like you attending a church and loving God does not make you perfect either. I had to heal and understand belonging to a church does not mean everything you will agree with, or everyone will agree with you. I had to accept that my actions had to represent God in my life genuinely. Not sure when I became so worried about pleasing people, that I forgot about my calling, about my personal convictions, I forgot how to be free and I myself created a bondage upon my emotions, it wasn't my leaders, nor my brothers and sisters, all along I allowed my life to become intoxicated pushing myself to do things over my strength, without God as the center of my work and ministry. As a passionate Sunday school teacher my feelings were always hurt because I desired for God to be glorified and parents would be the biggest challenge and little pebble in my shoe. All I ever wanted was to teach their children to fall in love with Jesus, all I ever wanted is to see a different, Holy Spirit filled generation. Yet what I received was criticism in everything I did, they would tell me no time, going out, this isn't going to work for us, my child has sports. The constant no's were taking such a toll on my emotions, and I allowed my Ministry to become toxic, because I was taking everything personal when it was about Jesus not about me, if parents today don't know how to balance the time between educational success and God, how was I taking it all in so personal. Again, I allowed all of this no one is to blame but myself, and that was the whole problem all along, why try to do things my way all the time and not just let God handle my pressures, my dreams, my goals for him. After all was this not supposed to be all about him to begin with?
I had to heal and scar that I grew up without privileges, without my father's love, without a close relationship with my mother. I had to accept that God could still do something wonderful with a broken heart. In my opinion my life was preety messed up in every possible sense. School was another challenge we will later talk about, economic crisis was another challenge we will later discuss, and so many other things, but I learned one thing that really outshines my other lessons, my ashes and scars are so precious in God's eyes and purpose for my life.
In God and his path there is several things you have to remember, it is a journey all about taking one day at a time. Everyday we build that beautiful testimony of his goodness that eventually will take us to bless others. This journey is carrying a cross everyday striving towards excellence and perfection in God's eyes. However, not the definition of the perfection we are used to in our websters dictionary, but the term perfection in God's eyes. According to the scripture we find that a willing heart, a "here I am Lord, use me," is a wonderful first step towards grace and mercy, towards perfection and reconstruction. In God, scars and ashes are so wonderful, because in the imperfection of a life, he finds an opportunity for glory and reconstruction. In concluding let's think about Jesus, he was crucified for our sins, and we all remember that, however why did God allow him to keep his scars? Why does the bible say he has scars where the nails went in and pinned him to the cross in his hand and feet? Did God not have the power to remove those scars? The reality is that the scars in Jesus is what makes him so perfect and beautiful, it is the representation of God's grace in his life, it is a symbolism of the word selfless, and perfect, and eternal love and mercy for an ungrateful society. The next time you or I complain about our past and our wounds, thing about the outcome of when we scar, and what those scars will represent in our life.
God bless you and your family always.