Disclaimer: The narrative includes elements of violence and may not be suitable for sensitive individuals.
Amit walks towards the room door at 12.15 AM, with teary eyes, to go where? Maybe back to home! But no, he decided against it. All he wanted now was to just leave Saurabh’s place, without much concern about his next move. As soon as he held the doorknob, he paused, took a breath, talking to himself, “1… 2… 3… Calm down! Calm your mind! Just calm down. Things will get well soon. Just leave this place, where my sanity of thoughts is not intact anymore”. He was about to exit, but a voice from behind interrupted his move, which seemed like had come out of Saurabh’s smirky expression, “I know you won’t just get lost. How will you? I know why you stopped…”.
Amit swiftly came back towards Saurabh & started slapping him. Saurabh resisted. After a while, Amit stopped and stood helpless, gazing into Saurabh's eyes. They seemed to mock the plight Amit found himself in. All of a sudden, he went down while pulling down Saurabh’s boxer, conveying, “I know what I need to do now, to fix whatever we have in between us. How can that moron do better than me? Let me fix this!” and started giving pleasure to Saurabh.
Saurabh got boner in no time, but he pushed Amit. Amit fell back, who looked helpless & shocked. Saurabh came near where Amit was lying on the floor, crying. He tilted Amit’s body upside down, and forcefully took off Amit’s pants, while saying, “You know what he gave, which you couldn’t, wait I will show”. He started inserting his boner forcefully, when Amit started resisting, while screaming, “Please, please don’t. I had always conveyed this, we always spoke about this from the beginning. It’s you who agreed that you will be okay. No, please, no no no, Ahhhh, it’s hurting. Oh no! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! please…”.
Saurabh took off his t-shirt from one hand and shoved it to Amit’s mouth, while tying Amit’s hands hard from behind with his other hand’s grip and started pushing himself forcefully. He continued, in-between, Amit gave in to the merciless action, failing to resist, teary eyes wide opened, with a shock, failing to comprehend what was happening.
But in an instant, everything fell apart for Amit. Amit's dreams appeared to be crushed one blow at a time by the weight of Saurabh's every action as he moved his heaviness inside of him while fucking with no thoughts & regrets. "You should know, what I want; I told you not to push me this far. Indeed! Take it; Yessssss! Yesssssss! This is what I wanted. Ahhh, yesss, indeed, thissssss”. He paused and spoke into Amit’s ears from behind, “You disregarded what I said. Didn’t you? Now Take it, sweetheart”. And continued his merciless action, sounding “Ah, yesssss! Take this. Why didn’t you agree to this? Ahhhh! Yeah. Ohhhh Yeahhhh! This is what I wanted. Yes, yes, yes, yessssssssss”.
Aggressive Saurabh finished cumming inside Amit, and his exhausted body dropped onto Amit’s back. Now, with regrets in his tone, realizing he couldn’t undo whatever had just happened, he whispered from behind Amit’s ear, “Sorry! Sorry! I tried myself explaining it to you repeatedly. You didn’t understand, forgive me for what just happened!” and took out the t-shirt from Amit’s mouth from one hand and left the other hand which was clutching Amit’s hand tightly. Amit with agony and tears screamed, “Fuck off Saurabh! Damn you abused me, you literally did it. You broke everything”. And started crying, and now with low helplessness in his voice, continued saying “Please, please, please move away, get lost”.
Saurabh slowly got up and went to the washroom. As he saw himself in the mirror’s reflection, he began to slap himself continuously. Regrets about his actions started to occupy his mind. With rage, he hit the marble slab around the washing basin several times before moving near the shower. He turned on the knob and sat under the shower, regretful thoughts enveloping his entire body. He couldn’t understand how he had turned into this beastly version of himself.
His earlier conversations with Amit about his changed sexual preferences, and wanting of penetrative sex had failed several times. One day, after the heated conversations between them, out of frustration Saurabh had attended a queer party where he had accidentally ended up dating Mohant Reddy, who had ignited new passions in his life while satisfying his penetrative sex desire. The lukewarm water flowing over Saurabh's body failed to alter his state of mind. Tears streamed down his emotionless face, blending with the water cascading over him. Now, he was just confused with regrets. ‘Why didn't I adjust? Why did I compromise? Why has this sexual desire turned me into a beast?’. Simultaneously, other thoughts also began to surface. ‘Why didn't Amit understand? Why couldn't he adjust & compromise? Why didn't he support my changed desires by being okay with what I wanted from him?’. Flooded with thoughts, Saurabh found himself consumed by frustration.
When Saurabh returned from the washroom, he saw Amit sleeping naked on the bed, teary eyes just looking at the blank wall, quietly sobbing. The entire room was dimly lit. He slowly approached Amit and attempted to touch him. In a rage, Amit pushed Saurabh. Saurabh then slept at a little distance away. Unable to find sleep, Saurabh went to his balcony, had some drinks, and lit cigarettes. After a while, he returned & slept on the sofa, positioned next to the bed. For both of them, that night shattered their dreams’ castle which they had built together to live in it passionately, to grow old together, take make their dream come true. But everything vanished that night.
In the metro, Amit's thoughts erupted, filling him with anger, frustration, and confusion. He couldn't digest last night’s incident. Floods of thoughts started to bother him, thinking about how Saurabh had abruptly changed the terms of their 8-month relationship, introducing a third party, Mohant Reddy, which jeopardized the monogamous commitment they had initially agreed upon. The dreams of marriage and growing old together shattered, leaving Amit in a whirlwind of emotions, especially the scar that Saurabh had just left last night. Tears continued to stream down his face even after wiping them off several times; he couldn’t control them, and they flowed uncontrollably. He took his cell phone and turned on his front camera to look at his face. When he saw his reflection, his thoughts turned to his past, regardless of the pain and agony it brought him.
On the day Section 377 was decriminalized, Amit & Saurabh celebrated their first month together, aspiring to maintain a monogamous connection without fear. Their journey to find each other had been filled with effort, seeking a monogamous relationship. They aimed to distance themselves from the orgy culture label associated with past non-monogamous casual encounters where they engaged without concern for STDs. Ashamed of their past behaviour, for abusing their bodies by sleeping with multiple people, they finally met each other and chose to find pleasure within their committed relationship. Especially Saurabh, who agreed to respect Amit's reluctance to engage in anal sex. Saurabh was okay with adjusting, as they were both madly in love with each other. Abruptly, his thoughts stopped when he heard the announcement voice declaring that he had reached his destination station. He disembarked and started commuting to the psychologist’s clinic.
When Amit reached Dr. Arvind's clinic, he poured out his pain through a torrent of words. Desperation and heartache filled his narrative as he recounted the violation by Saurabh the previous night, adding to the mental trauma he had been enduring for years. Saurabh, unapologetic and defensive, tried to justify his actions that morning before Amit left, exposing a heartless side, which weighed a lot of pain on Amit. If their neighbours hadn't stepped in and encouraged them to end their unpleasant verbal fight, the argument between them that morning would never have ended. The trauma caused by Saurabh's betrayal and violation, coupled with the last failed relationships due to issues related to a mismatch of sexual desires, had now left Amit questioning the fundamental aspects of love and commitment within the queer community. This wasn't the first time; before this, Amit had been in two relationships.
In a state of emotional turmoil, Amit found himself expressing painful words to his psychologist, questioning the choices he had made in pursuing his relationship with Saurabh. Amit poured out his heart, expressing his disillusionment with the queer community and the challenges of finding genuine connections. He expressed, “I feel as if I am caught amid a party which is focused on just casual encounters. I feel that most in this community are gossipier and more judgemental than most of my straight friends, and I have lost hope in this community. First of all, I'm afraid to approach or speak with most of them since they are so harsh & judgmental in every way. Second, you never know when people will flip & begin talking about others, behind their backs— with whom, when, and how. This is true, have experienced, even when I tried mustering up the confidence to approach and make real connections in this community. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone here in this community. I am feeling so helpless and have started to feel bothered by my own choices."
Dr. Arvind, a kind and understanding person who had been dealing with Amit’s case for the last 12 months, now began talking to Amit, who was feeling delicate & uncertain, after hearing him for nearly 30 minutes, patiently. In this moment of vulnerability, Amit's words lingered in the air as he listened to Dr. Arvind's advice. Dr. Arvind made an effort to understand and assist Amit in dealing with the complicated challenges that had affected Amit's life.
Note: This short story is entirely fictional and crafted from the influence of narratives shared by individuals within the community who encountered negative experiences. Any similarity to real-life situations is purely coincidental, as it does not depict the story of any specific individual. The narrative includes elements of violence and may not be suitable for sensitive individuals. It's crucial to emphasize that no deliberate efforts have been made to portray the queer community negatively. If the story unintentionally conveys such a portrayal, the author expresses apologies, as the primary intention was to convey the emotions of the character mentioned in this short story.