"You know, a heart can be broken, but it keeps on beating, just the same."
–Fannie Flagg
In the heart of Cavite, Philippines, where the cold breeze from the mountainous
Tagaytay carries the scent of blooming flowers, the streets are alive with the
sounds of laughter from kids playing outside. It was my everyday sound, as I
always prepared myself to face another ordinary day. My dear dog, Rocco, decided
to wake me up during my afternoon slumber. His tail is wagging eagerly, and his
tongue is sticking out as if trying to convince me to wake up. With a groan, I lazily
get out of bed, stretching my arms as the afternoon light filters through the
curtains, casting a gentle orange glow across my room. I immediately prepared
Rocco's food; however, the hard-headed dog refuses to eat and has been jumping
and scratching the wooden door, indicating an afternoon stroll, which I always
declined. However, his furious wagging of tails signals an urgency that cannot be
ignored.
Going out is one of the hardest activities in my life. People's gazes are on mine;
their mouths are closed, but I can sense a deep question longing to be voiced just
by looking at their restless countenance, but I decided to choose silence. I hate it,
and I refuse to converse with any of them. While holding Rocco’s leash, my fourtailed companion seems happy with the idea of socializing. I let him lead the way
while soothing music played on my earphones. Suddenly, a sense of familiarity
brushes through my entire system when I realize where my dear dog brought me.
The peaceful breeze that made the green grass dance harmoniously brought me
back to Him, and just like that, a memoir filled the afternoon.
“Ivan John Gonzales” is a familiar name that I have always heard since the
beginning. Everyone loves him—my parents, our teachers, and my friends. He
always excels in different competitions, whether in academics, sports, or singing
contests. However, we are not close, nor can we be called friends. We have
different personalities, while his eyes are always glued to the pages of a book,
losing himself in worlds far beyond our town. I, on the other hand, was also the
type of girl who seeks adventure, always looking for new experiences and chasing
after her dreams in reckless ways. He is calm, while I am not. He is well organized,
while I am most comfortable in unsystematic situations. But fate had other plans,
as it often does. A competition where we need to represent our class in a singing
contest. I was known for having a silly personality and drawing different mishaps
in life, and when I learned that Ivan would be my partner, I already saw how this
competition could create fire I was not prepared for.
Nevertheless, I couldn’t decline since my grade needed a lot of help. Let's just say
that activity would also greatly help me in achieving my plan to be one of the
successful graduates in 2009 since the winners will be exempt from taking an
examination. With a confident smile, I went to Ivan, who was busy preparing for
his tennis training. He is one of the top players in tennis in our school, and
apparently, he is preparing for a national competition. One thing I noticed his life
revolves around school and the corners of the tennis court near our village. I never
heard he had been in a relationship or saw him going out with his friends.
Everyone sees him as a “fine young man” who is clean and clearly has a sense of
direction in life. My parents even want me to get acquainted with him since we are
living in the same village. They think that this person would help me redirect my
life and influence me to do good. I watched him play for a bit and noticed his swift
movement. I am amazed to observe how effortlessly he moves and swings his
racket. He moves with grace and passion that it looks like he is dancing on the
court. Every stroke he makes showcases his skill, giving the impression that the
ball is following each of his commands. It's like seeing a magnificent performance
were skill and grace flow together. Ivan is the epitome of Filipino fair skin. He has
dark hair that fits perfectly with his thick eyebrows and brown eyes. After 30
minutes of playing, he decided to take a break, so that’s my chance to approach
him. Self-confidence is all I have. I don’t know how to sing or perform in front of
everyone, but I have full trust in this person who is now in front of me.
"Hey.” That’s the first word that came out of my mouth since I don’t know how to
address him. He stands dignifiedly and confidently even at his early age, which
made me feel overwhelmed. However, his friendly voice calmed my system.
“Ellie, hi! I heard you, and I will be representing our class on this coming
foundation day,” he replied while wiping his sweaty face. "Unfortunately, yes, and
I guess you will be in trouble,” was my quick response. It may sound funny, but I
said it in a serious tone. However, Ivan seems entertained by my words as he
laughs a bit and says, “Alright then, let’s meet tomorrow at my house so we can
start discussing what song we will be performing.” I nod in response and
awkwardly point out the exit door and say, “Well, okay, I guess this is my cue; I’ll
be going ahead." He just smiles and grabs his racket again, indicating a second
game is about to start.
When I reached home, the first thing I did was go into my brother's room and
borrow his recording microphone. My brother doesn’t sing; no one does in our
household, but he does beat boxing; at least that’s his forte, and he gains lots of
followers in his school because of that. My brother Alex, who is 3 years older than
I, looked at me with such bewilderment. I am too. Why on earth would I borrow a
microphone? I then told him that I was unfortunate enough to be chosen to be one
of the representatives of our class to sing, and as I expected, he threw himself back
while laughing as hard as he could. I also truly understood him, and I would also
laugh if I were in his position. He was still teary-eyed when he continued,
“Seriously? How on earth did they suggest that you were the best candidate? Who
is the other one?” He said while I was unplugging the microphone on his speaker,
“Well, the finest boy in town, Ivan.” He suddenly grabbed my shoulder and looked
at me with his apologetic eyes. “I know, I know, poor me,” I said, grabbing all the
necessary things I could get, but before I could go out of his room, he responded
quirkily, “It’s not you, it’s Him! I feel sorry for him. You see, he will experience
such embarrassment since you don’t know how to sing.” I couldn’t help but throw
his shoes towards him, which he quickly catches while laughing.
When I entered my messy room, I quickly assembled the equipment that I
borrowed from my brother, tried the microphone, and started searching my DVD
player for some random songs. I tested it and started singing my heart out. I could
hear my brother’s laughter on the other side of the wall, and I suddenly felt
embarrassed. How can I perform in front of everyone with the voice I have? My
voice fails wildly and regularly breaks away from the melody's natural direction.
Discomfort started filling my whole system, but thinking I could not graduate that
year would be more embarrassing.
When morning came and the discomfort started filling up my body again, my
mother told me to just enjoy each moment. I have a month to practice, and Ivan is a
great coach; surely everything will be fine. She also reassured me that I have a
voice for singing, which I highly doubted. Although I honestly liked playing songs
and listening through my MP3 player, I am not confident with the voice I have.
After breakfast, I grabbed my things and rode my bicycle to Ivan’s house. His
family and mine are good friends since my mother and his late mother were
childhood friends before, but since his mother’s death five years ago, I haven’t
visited their house anymore. He just lives a few blocks from our house, so it's not
difficult to track their residence. When I almost reached their house, I already saw
him outside waiting for me. When I entered inside, I quickly noticed the changes.
The ambiance was quiet and cold, very different from when my mother brought me
before, when his mother was still alive. I heard that his dad remarried, and he is
now living with his grandparents. I scan my eyes towards his different
achievements; he already has different trophies from his tennis competition and
golden medals from his different academic competitions. He already achieved
great things even as a 16-year-old boy. I also noticed how his smile changes as
time goes by, from a very bright smile to a more distant one. I suddenly felt sorry
for his life; he’s been through a lot at a very young age.
I seated myself and chose to make myself comfortable in their living room while
waiting for him to grab his things in his bedroom. His kind grandmother also gave
me snacks, which I happily accepted. Ivan came back with his guitar and sat right
across from me. “So, where do we start? ”I said, breaking the awkward and silent
breeze between us while munching the cookies his grandmother personally baked.
He then started suggesting songs that I am not familiar with, but nevertheless, I just
nodded in agreement with each of his suggestions. He stopped and looked at me
and said, “Alright, let’s try hearing your voice.” I suddenly dropped the cookies I
was about to eat when I heard that. I cleared my throat, mischievously smiled, and
said, “How about let me hear your voice first? ” He didn’t decline or hesitate, even
for a second, but he confidently started strumming his guitar. His voice is like a
warm embrace on a chilly evening; it suits well with the rhythm of his guitar. He
sang “When you say nothing at all” smoothly, and I couldn’t help but be amazed
by his amazing voice. Each note he plucked echoes a deep sense of emotion, filling
the cold, dull living room with a gentle melody that touches my heart. His voice
was smooth and delicate, with a sense of richness from a soft, manly voice that
wrapped around each lyric like a comforting blanket. It silently conveys sincerity,
which drew me in with its raw honesty and vulnerability.
As he sang, his eyes sparkled with passion, his fingers moving effortlessly across
the strings of his guitar. Every strum seemed measured, every chord perfectly
timed, as if he was pouring his soul into each and every note. His voice was so
beautiful that it took me to another place where my troubles of singing in front of
many people disappeared and his music was all that was left. Ivan's voice had such
strength that I was completely drawn with the tune at that very time. When he
finished singing, I felt like I fell from the comfort of clouds down to the hardness
of life when I realized it was now my turn. I smiled awkwardly and praised his
voice; however, he is adamant about my excuses. He put his guitar on his side,
clasped his hands together, and looked me directly in the eye, waiting for me to
share my cacophony voice. I cleared my voice and awkwardly smiled. With much
confidence, I tried singing “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” At least that song is quite
short. His face turned from being calm to being disturbed. His eyebrows become
restless, as if he is confused about whether he will frown or raise his brows. After
the first chorus, I stopped, and the awkward silence filled the whole room. After a
minute, he cleared his voice. “Ah, thank you. I see” and awkwardly laugh, and I
awkwardly go along too. “You see, you are in trouble. I mean, I don’t see any
problem if I will be performing alone, but you know, I am thinking of the
embarrassment you’ll be experiencing.” I slowly mumbled and awkwardly
laughed. I felt the cold wind touch my skin, and I silently prayed for it to slowly
vanish. He was just silent for a minute or two and replied, “Well, I think we can
still enhance the thickness of your voice; you have the quality of voice; we just
need to hit some notes.” I was just silent the whole time while listening to some of
his lectures about singing techniques. After his short lectures, he proceeded to
teach me vocal warm-ups. I realized Ivan is a reserved person; during the whole
day of practice, he was just too focused on his goal, which is to enhance my dead
voice. Nevertheless, I never heard him murmur during the whole duration of our
practice. He patiently waited for me to reach the exact note. Despite his silence and
aloof personality, his gentle actions say he is a kind person.
Night came as I expected; he sent me messages of the don'ts and do's during the
whole duration of my voice lesson, and when I read them, I immediately
responded, "Is it necessary not to drink any cold drinks? C'mon, who is in their
right mind who doesn't drink cold refreshments?!" It didn't take any longer. My
phone received another message from him: "Tell me who is in the right mind to
sing with such a voice during competition?" I felt embarrassed for the nth time and
wanted to vanish at that time. But my poor mind motivated me to push through this
competition rather than stress myself over a failed examination score.
Days have passed, and Ivan is persistent in sending me reminders every day. He
also gave me time to spend an hour or two on our rehearsals. We both decided to
sing "Way back into love" since we felt that the quality of our voices was well
suited to the rhythm of the song. During the whole duration of our rehearsals, I
realized I seldomly skipped my classes. During my free hours, instead of going out
with my peers and doing crazy things outside, I found myself in the silent green
field of our school to review his reminders and techniques to improve my voice. I
also started to notice his unique personality beyond anyone's eyesight. I noticed the
glow of his eyes changed when he failed to do something or was disappointed in
something. The tips of his ears turned red when he was embarrassed, and he
scratched the tips of his fingers when he was stressed.
Ivan didn't miss a time during our rehearsals, no matter how busy his schedule was
because of the upcoming tennis competition or how tired he looked. He was still
patient with me. Both he and I were different, and his personality is far from mine,
yet we subconsciously adjusted for us to meet in the middle. Days turned into
weeks, and slowly our friendship bloomed. He slowly went along with my style,
roaming around the village, camping with my friends, and responding to my
childish group messages. I also found myself studying with him in the school
library during our break hours. Slowly, I also noticed his distant eyes change, and I
thought that was my first achievement in my entire 16 years of existence. Days
have passed. The competition came, and I am confident that my voice really
improved, and I guess so did my heart. Even though my voice is far from perfect, I
can confidently say that at least it can blend with his voice, or, to the least, it is
quite presentable to hear.
It was announced that we will be singing at the end since we are in our senior year
of high school. During the competition, I heard beautiful voices from each
contestant, which added much pressure on my part. I fear I might forget the lyrics
of the song or, worse, cannot reach the exact note of the song. Ivan seemed to
notice the tension building inside me. He reassuringly held my hand and
whispered, "It is just you and me; let's enjoy the moment."
As our performance got closer, I felt nervous. My hands trembled as I held the mic.
When the music began, my mind went blank and I suddenly forgot the lyrics I had
practiced. I was scared and lost, leaving me in rough seas. I wished to dash off, to
get away from the bright lights and the waiting eyes of everyone. Yet just as I
planned to escape, I felt a soft push on my palm. I looked up to find Ivan next to
me; his eyes glowed, assuring me that everything would be fine. “Just look at me,”
he said, his voice barely audible over the music. “It is only you and I.”
With Ivan's reassuring presence, I took a deep breath and tried to focus. But when
it was my turn, I got fizzy and stuttered. The lyrics were getting stuck somewhere
in my throat, as if they had been swallowed, leaving me with that restless feeling
that goes between helpless and lost. I froze there, just like a statue. The music
played around me as the audience's cheers drowned out my entire being. Just when
I thought all hope was lost, Ivan squeezed my hand and began to sing. The sound
of his voice was a beacon of light in that gloomy darkness, reminding me of hope
behind the strand of despair. I focused on the pair of his eyes, seeing nothing but
the warmth of encouragement and confidence in return. The moment Ivan started
singing, something clicked within me. The lyrics and tunes just jumped out at me,
and it was like a switch had been turned on, and at once I found myself singing
along with him, my voice blending into his. In that moment, I realized that it was
just about me and Ivan shining our souls amongst the melody of the song and the
bond that we had been sharing. When the song ended, I breathed a new sense of
contentment. The dreadful feelings that were ruling me a second ago had vanished,
making way for an entirely different state of mind, which was full of confidence
and power. Something significant happened inside of me that day, even though we
didn't win the grand prize.
Ivan kept visiting our house, sometimes teaching me some of the subjects I was
struggling with, and sometimes catching me in the impromptu singing sessions.
He, on the other hand, dedicated himself passionately to tennis and the arts, which
I wholeheartedly supported. A few of my friends made fun of us and even
questioned whether there was something going on between us. But we chose to
laugh it off. Ivan turned out to be my standard in life; he helped me prioritize my
responsibilities and kept pushing me continuously to reach my full potential. After
several months, our friendship was still incomparable. Although Ivan never made
any romantic hints, his constant encouragement encouraged me to pursue my
goals. I started to look after myself better because I wanted to give him the best
version of myself. As Ivan's tennis competition approached, I crafted a special gift
for him: a handkerchief with his name embroidered on it. Seeing sheer joy in his
face upon receiving it was magical to behold. His eyes twinkled with happiness
and excitement for that special competition. Luckily, he won a gold medal,
indicating a bright future for his sports career. Not long after, in March 2009, we
both marched with confidence towards the stage as we closed another chapter in
our lives in high school. Every step we took represented the countless memories
that we had more than once lived, the difficulties that we had faced, and the dreams
we had learned to dream about.
However, after we graduated, the excitement we felt every day subsided. My
parents decided to relocate to my father's province, Negros Oriental, and I decided
to continue my studies there. Despite the distance, Ivan and I stayed connected
through text messages and phone calls. I also learned that Ivan was pursuing a
Bachelor of Fine Arts degree at the University of the Philippines while I was
working toward a Pharmacy degree at Silliman University. Despite the distance,
our friendship remains, and we always made sure we both received support from
each other. He consistently sent me motivational messages and talked about how
his days went by. Even though other guys at my university showed romantic
interest in me, my heart remained loyal to Ivan, the one I secretly admired for
years. However, being away from each other for 4 years left a lot of uncertainties.
Ivan never mentioned his dating life or answered my questions about romance. He
is always persistent about changing topics when I start opening them up. After I
graduated and passed my licensure exam in 2013, I immediately sought
employment in Manila, hoping to be closer to him. In early 2014, I landed a job at
one of the country's top pharmacies. Ivan and I were thrilled by the idea of finally
being reunited after waiting for so long. On the other hand, Ivan immediately got
hired by one of the biggest networks in the country. Slowly, we are reaching our
dreams.
When I reached the busy streets of Manila, Ivan immediately set a date for us to
meet. I admit, I was nervous, but excitement filled my entire heart because, finally,
we will be reunited again. I woke up early in the morning, ironed the blue dress I
bought in Negros, and I paired it with my beige block-type high heel. My heart
beat so fast, and I couldn't hide my smile. Ivan set an appointment at one of the
restaurants in the nearby area and sent me a message saying, "Can't wait to see
you! Be there at 4 p.m." I reached the place an hour earlier than what we had
planned. While waiting, I ordered a light meal and decided to browse my social
media account while waiting for him. After 30 minutes, Ivan came in with his
regular white polo shirt paired with well-fitting jeans and a pair of sneakers. He has
grown so much; his looks are far different from the young Ivan I know, and his
face looks more calm with his new crew-cut haircut. His eyes are still twinkling
with happiness just like before, and he is still wearing the same confident yet
genuine smile: "Wow! Look at you, Ellie! You've grown so much!" That was his
first word. I noticed the reserved Ivan has now grown into a sociable man. I smiled
at him and answered his praise, "Look at you! Wow! I almost failed to recognize
you; you seemed like another person." He just laughed out loud without thinking of
other people's deadly stares towards us. "Well, working in an entertainment
industry transformed me, I guess'' He replied while scratching his head awkwardly.
We spent the entire afternoon catching up and listening to his stories about the
changes in our city. However, in the middle of our conversation, someone called
him, which made him suddenly restless. This is far from the composed Ivan I
know. Nevertheless, I myself changed a lot too. The changing of the year surely
transformed us.
"Is everything okay?" I courageously asked since I noticed he kept on checking his
watch. "Yes, yes. Sorry about that. So where are we?" The atmosphere suddenly
changed when he looked at me apologetically, and that’s why I took the hint and
decided to break it again. "Look, it's fine. I guess your work is asking for your
presence," I said while sipping the drinks. He shook his head and smiled. "It's not
about work; it's my girlfriend." I almost threw my drinks when I heard that. The
pang of pain immediately pierced my heart; luckily, I was able to gain my
composure. "Oh, I never knew you have a girlfriend? That's quite unfair; you never
mentioned her before'' a sudden taste of bitterness came out of my mouth. I was
honestly disappointed in him; we've been friends for over 5 years yet he never
mentioned he has been in a relationship. "Oh yeah, I am sorry about that; we've
just started dating just a few months ago. But I am confident you will get along
quickly since you have the same personalities'' he explained, but that pierced
another sting of pain in my heart. Why, when I've been by his side the entire time,
could he find a woman who shares my personality? I thought that sounded unfair. I
tried clearing my throat and calming down, but there was a lump in it that
prevented me from saying anything. "No, it's okay; you go after her. It might be
very important," I said, laughing awkwardly. "I mean, she's your girlfriend, so you
must make her your priority," I pointed out. He was still looking at me
apologetically and finally said, "Yeah, you are right. Thank you for
understanding!" You are the best! ” And give me a big thumbs up with his
signature confident smile. He dashed off from the restaurant, leaving me with a
broken heart.
After that incident, I never heard anything from him. It might be for everyone’s
sake, especially showing respect for the feelings of his girlfriend. Despite being
brokenhearted by an unrequited love, I did not return to Negros, yet I invested
myself in developing my skills as a licensed pharmacist. I also tried to go on some
friendly dates to get over him. However, despite the heartaches, there was still a
space in my heart that longed for his presence. A lot of my friends tried to set me
up with a fine young man, but I always ended up looking for Ivan. 2 years after
that, I was relocated to Silang Cavite as the head manager of the branch. The joy
filled my heart because it’s been almost a decade since my family left this place to
live in Negros.
My brother, Alex, is now happily married and permanently lives in Canada with
their twins. My parents are now aging like fine wine in Negros and have been
managing my father’s land. Everything runs smoothly except for the empty space
Ivan left in my heart. I never heard from him after our first meeting at the
restaurant. He suddenly disappeared. I tried searching for him on different social
media sites, but it looked like he was not active in using his accounts. I even once
thought, Is he still alive? He suddenly disappeared without saying anything. Even
though I convinced myself that it was all in the past, I still can’t get enough of the
questions that haunt me every night. “What happened to him? ”I also tried visiting
their old house, but I found out they had already sold it. Tonight, I will be
attending my friend’s party in Antipolo to celebrate her success in her new
business. Ruby, my old friend, already owns a resort and wellness spa in the
peaceful town of Antipolo.
The party was simple yet wholesome, and Ruby’s boyfriend also decided to
propose to her. It was a sweet and grand proposal—a young couple ready to face
the world of marriage. My friends also decided to introduce me to some of their
guy friends. Some were nice, and some were full of themselves. However, a
familiar person suddenly emerged from the crowd. Ivan. His face changed a lot; he
has this extended goatee beard in his bust taper fade-cut hair. He looks so mature
and stressed, and I also noticed he lost a lot of weight. His eyes are now distant,
and his smiles have changed too. I silently observed him from a distance while he
was talking with Ruby's boyfriend. I have so many questions running through my
mind. What happened to him? Does he already have a family? What happened to
his work? Before I could finish my thoughts, I was greeted by a voice I knew very
well. "Ellie.” I looked up and found Ivan's gaze. “Hey! Ivan! ”I replied nervously. I
never expected that that would be the way we would meet again. “How are you?
”He continued, “I’m good, I’m good. Been busy managing the branch lately.”
When he heard that, a familiar smile showed up from his face. “I always knew
you'd come this far,” he commented. I smiled back and said, “How about you? I
think it’s been a long time since we've met.” He smiled and glanced at our friends,
who were busy playing in the pool. He was just silent the entire time, but before I
could say anything, he suddenly said, “Things have been difficult for the last 2
years'' I remained silent and waited for him to continue. He looked at me, and a
bitter smile showed. “When I left the restaurant that day, I immediately went to my
girlfriend’s place, only to find out she committed suicide,” he narrated. I froze. I
couldn’t find the words to answer him; a cold wind suddenly enveloped my body.
Ivan looked at me and continued, “And I was pointed out to be the culprit.” He
laughed bitterly. “Wait. What? How? Why? ” I stuttered. “She shot herself, and
just a couple of days before her death, we already had a dispute. I found out she
has been dating other guys. I tried to cut things off from her before your arrival,
but she warned me that she’ll kill herself if I do that.” He paused and breathed
heavily. “The day we met, we had a big quarrel. Out of frustration, I texted her and
warned her that if she wouldn’t let me go, I might do something she might regret.
Unexpectedly, that same day, she shot herself.” When I heard that, it was like cold
water was poured on me. Tears started falling from my eyes as he continued, “Her
family found out that text message I sent to her and used that against me. I had
nothing at that time; I was just starting my life, but because I was not prepared, I
was imprisoned.” My chest hurt so bad as he continued, “You know. My
grandparents sought help from my father’s friend, and we made an appeal. A year
after that, I was proven innocent, but it was too late. My grandmother died while I
was still in prison right after that. When I went out months later, my grandfather
also got sick and died afterwards" I saw a tear fall from his eyes, but his smile is
still visible in his face."I don’t know how to start a life after that. No one tried to
hire an ex-convict. My years of studying suddenly disappeared in front of my
face.” He paused and silence slowly envelopes us. When I gained my strength, I
asked, “Why did you not reach out to me? We’ve been friends for so long. You
should have asked for a hand,” I pointed out, trying to understand all the
information he just told me. However, he just shook his head and smiled.
Indicating it was all in the past. We cannot changed it.
There was silence enveloping us again before he continued, “Months after that, I
decided to slowly fix myself. I sold our old house in Cavite and made use of the
profit to start my Photoshop business. It runs so well these days. I gained a lot of
clients, and that’s when I met John and Ruby. Her boyfriend came into my studio
and asked me to shoot his proposal. He also rented me to shoot the resort’s grand
opening, and that’s when I found you. Ruby has been mentioning the names of her
friends whenever they visit my shop. It was just amazing, wasn't it? ”He said, and I
just nodded while tears continually fell from my eyes. He suddenly faced me,
showed that familiar smile, and extended his hand towards me. “Well, here we are
now; we cannot change that past." He laughed and continued, "So hi again, I’m
Ivan; I was an ex-convict but a business owner now,” he said, laughing, and I
laughed awkwardly too and shook his hand. “Ellie, Ellie Castro, your old Ellie,” I
said while tears continually fell down on my cheeks. He laughed and suddenly
pulled me into a hug and said, “Thank you.”
Ivan and I started building our friendship again. He also slowly raised himself from
the fall, and in just a few months, his business grew. He was able to handle big
events, and he has been known for his artistic shots that tell a lot of stories. I never
expected him to love me back, but I focused on building himself up, just like he
did to me before. In December 2018, he invited me to a dinner to celebrate the
anniversary of his shop. That's what I thought, but to my surprise, it was a romantic
dinner. A simple yet romantic dinner that Ivan personally prepared inside his shop.
He set a table for two, cooked my favorite kare-kare, and our different photos were
hanging on the ceiling that gave a glimpse of our story. A small candle in the
middle of the table also makes the ambiance romantic. He is seated just in front of
the table he prepared. He is simply wearing jeans, paired with his white shirt and
leather jacket, and a clean face with his new crew-cut hair made him look young
and fresh, just like how I saw him when we met in the restaurant before. He has a
guitar in his hand and urges me to take a seat. "Hi,” he laughed nervously. “I know
you were caught off guard by the things in front of you; I apologize for this simple
setup. I want this to be as romantic as possible and memorable for the both of us.” I
looked at him, listening while smiling, while he continued, “I’ve been dying to do
this for years now, but I don't have enough courage to do that. I am sorry if it takes
a decade to finally do this, but I prepared a song for you, and I hope you liked it"
Ivan's fingers lightly touched the strings on his guitar, and a familiar tune came
out. It was "In Case You Didn't Know" a song that had been in my head for days.
Ivan sang with sincerity; his voice was soft and full of feeling. Each word hit my
heart, It was as if he spoke just to me, sharing his heart with each sound. As the
song played, tears came to my eyes, not from being sad but from pure bliss. It was
a time of pure happiness, spent with the one who meant so much to me. In that
moment, Ivan's voice filled the room with its warmth. And as the last notes of the
song faded away, I knew that this was a memory I would cherish forever.
Ivan kneeled down and pulled a simple ring and uttered the words, "I waited for so
long.”I know we haven’t started our relationship officially, but I would be honest, I
couldn’t live a life without you. I just couldn't.” He said those words while tears
fell down on his cheeks. “Ellie, my Ellie, I love you so much. Will you spend the
rest of eternity with me? ”I never wasted a moment, and I nodded happily. “You
have no idea how much I waited for this for so long,” I said while he put the ring
on my finger. That night was so magical; our tears and laughter echoed throughout
the whole room. It was only Ivan and me, and nothing more.
After that night, we both visited my family in Negros, and Ivan properly asked for
permission, which my parents happily accepted. We spent the whole holiday with
them. After that, we returned to Manila to prepare the needed documents for our
wedding. We plan to have an intimate yet simple wedding surrounded only by our
families and close friends. We decided to celebrate our wedding on the 9th day of
May 2019. Ivan personally picked that day because he said he felt something
special about it. He actively participated in every aspect of our wedding
preparations from the very moment we started preparing them. He was also
actively involved in choosing the venue, the décor, and even the cake flavors. His
meticulous attention to detail and constant encouragement made the process seem
effortless.
As our wedding day drew near, Ivan surprised me with a gift that melted my heart.
He presented me with a fluffy little white puppy named Rocco. With his wagging
tail and soulful eyes, Rocco quickly became an integral part of our lives, bringing
us even closer together as a couple. He personally made and sent our wedding
invitations to some of our friends, and I couldn’t ask for more. His kind heart also
stands out the most. He did not harbor anger or any ill feelings towards his father,
who chose to leave him, but he personally visited the province of his dad in
Marinduque to personally invite him to our wedding. He is indeed the person who
would realign my life into a better person. Although he too has shortcomings,
despite our differences and short temper, he is always sure we talk about them
before the day ends.
A week before our wedding, we decided to go around and buy the needed things
for our simple wedding. He already tried on his suit, and so did I in my simple
wedding dress. Everything is perfect; everything is surreal. Later that afternoon,
Ivan suddenly asked me for a date, which I happily accepted. We ate at a nearby
restaurant and talked about our future. Ivan's smile is so pure. His eyes glowed
with happiness as he kept on sharing his thoughts about our wedding. Around 5
pm, Ivan dropped me off at my apartment. He kissed me on the forehead and said,
“I love you,” before letting me in as usual. However, my world stopped when I
was about to enter our house. I heard a loud bang from a distance, and just when I
turned, I saw Ivan helplessly lying covered in blood on the road. My world
stopped. I saw people come out and run towards him. My whole body was shaking,
and before I knew it, I was hugging Ivan, who was unconscious and full of blood.
Immediately, a rescue team picked him up and brought him to the hospital. While
he was brought to the emergency room, my mind became blank, and before I knew
it, my world turned black.
The first thing that comes to mind when I regain consciousness is Ivan. My mind
got lost because I wanted to see him. Everyone tried to calm me down. I saw my
mother crying in the corner while my father hugged me so tightly. I just cry and
cry to ease the heavy pain in my heart. When I was a little cleared, his doctor
explained that the accident led to a fatal injury to his head that caused direct
bleeding in his brain. “His both temporal and parietal lobes that help his
communication and senses, as well as his cerebellum that helps his daily activities,
were greatly affected by the impact of the accident. I am sorry to say, but Sir
Ivan’s case needed a lot of miracles." When I heard those words, my world
collapsed. It was surreal; we were both enjoying the day, laughing, and preparing
for our wedding, and right now, he is lying with a machine trying to save him. I
couldn’t react; I couldn’t speak. It was so painful to see him helplessly depending
on the different tubes to breathe.
I was just holding his hand the entire day, whispering to him to wake up and to
stand. I saw tears fall from his eyes, indicating he could still hear me. I sang his
favorite songs and prayed and prayed to save him. The next day, I was invited to
the police station to give my statement, and there I met the person who ran into
him. I wanted to curse him, slap him, and physically hurt him, but I couldn’t. I saw
a helpless man crying behind bars. When he saw me, he immediately kneeled and
asked forgiveness. I want to shout at him; he recklessly drove and ran into
someone helplessly, but I learned the reason behind his fast driving. His wife, who
was about to give birth, is fighting for her life in the ICU. He just came from work
when he received the news that his wife and child had died. That same day, he ran
into Ivan. He said he is willing to be accountable for what he did just to let him
give his wife and child a proper burial. I just cried and cried in the station. I don’t
know what to do anymore. My fiancee is fighting for his life, and I couldn’t do
anything to save him.
On his fourth day, a ray of hope started to emerge when Ivan seemingly responded
to my voice by moving his finger a bit. The doctor said the bleeding in his brain
miraculously stopped, and we are all praying this progress will keep going. On his
sixth day, Ivan unexpectedly had seizures, indicating his brain was in a fatal stage.
I keep on crying as the doctor says his brain cannot make it. Ivan is trying to fight
it, but the damage to his brain is so severe that it makes him struggle with pain. My
parents painfully suggested talking to him and letting him go. That whole night, I
was holding his hand while crying. “Hi love, it’s okay; everything will be alright,”
I whispered. “I know you have been struggling in pain for days now because you
want to live.” Tears kept falling in my eyes, and the next words were hard for me
to utter. I cleared my throat, then continued to gently brush his hair. “You’re so
brave. You know that? You always fight for me. You always wait for me. I am so
sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.” I could still hear the beating of
his heart through the machine. “Thank you for loving me. I don’t know how to
start a life without you. I just couldn’t. But I know you are struggling physically
now, and I can’t see you like this,” I continued, and I broke down. "Ivan. It's okay.
If you want to rest, it's okay. Don’t hold on to me. I’ll be alright. I will forever
remember you. You are the finest man I have ever met. It is hard for me, love. But
I can’t see you like this; the doctor said the more we let you stay here, the stronger
the pain you’ll experience.” I paused and looked at him. “I love you so much, it's
okay, love, it's okay,” I said, crying and kissing his head. I cried a lot when I saw
big tears falling from his eyes, and seconds after that, his heartbeat stopped. The
doctor declared his death on May 9, 2019. 5:35 am, just as the sun rises.
I was brought back to the present when I heard Rocco's bark. I smiled bitterly and
cleared the leaves on his tombstone. It’s been 5 years. 5 years of feeling the empty
space in my heart. I continue managing his shop, and it has run well for the past 5
years. No one dared to talk about him for the past 5 years because they feared I
might break down because of pain, but no one knows the deep scar that Ivan has
left me. Each day I am trying to convince myself to live for him, move on, and
start my life again, but it is hard when everything reminds me of him. But right
now, as I look at his genuine smile on his tombstone, I silently mumble, “I’ll start
building my life again. Love, be with me.”.
*The end