FROM THE NEW SUPREME COMMANDER OF EARTH, TO THE EARTH:
I have two, simple, commands for all of you. First, since translation between Galactic Standard and all Earth languages will take a long time to sort, it will be simpler to just address me as Ishmael.
Second, quit fighting us. Now. The fact that the Earth took exactly twenty-four hours to be conquered, with incredibly few casualties (to your people, none to our troops) should impress you with both how futile any further resistance is and how truly benevolent we intend to be. We took great pains to spare your population bloodshed and destruction and still conquered your entire globe. Our Null Energy technology not only renders all your mechanical fighting machines inoperable; it also makes all explosive, inflammable, and electrifying weapons inert. Including atomics. That only leaves you rocks, arrows, and clubs; none of which will work against our armored troops.
This invasion has been a long time coming; since the dawn of your Industrial Age, in fact. Agents working clandestinely across your world reported to the Galactic Bureaucracy how quickly your industrial progress suddenly advanced, and how self-destructively it was advancing. We knew from unfortunate observation of thousands of nascent technologies that environmental collapse would render your world dead and sterile within ten generations. Plans to invade and annex your planet began well before your Robert Fulton had launched his first steamboat.
It took us nearly two hundred of your years to plan and execute this annexation because we had to scrap the size and methods of our invasion force several times. Your tenacity to not only quickly improve your technology - and your embracement of its capacity for warfare and the ferocity you applied to that warfare- made it harder and harder to formulate the means to implement as swift and bloodless a take over as we wanted. You have no idea how close we came to abandoning discretion when your species invented Atomic Weaponry, for Forgune's sake!
The Galactic Bureaucracy does not as a rule force primitive cultures to join our ranks; we let a burgeoning planet grow until it happens to discover us and expresses a desire to be part of our collective of worlds. Usually, if a civilization prefers to pursue its own destruction, we just let it do so without our intervention and hope the next phase of evolution would advance a more agreeable sentient species. Regarding your world, various members of our Intelligentsia had bets on the porpoise, ants, or squirrels as the next rising candidates.
Your Earth was saved because of a precious commodity that you produce. That is why the Bureaucracy decided we had to save you from yourselves and in so doing save that commodity for the Galaxy in general. We've been secretly exporting this commodity for centuries, and cannot fathom losing it now. It is so precious, in fact, that despite our conquering and totally controlling you, you will now find that the Galactic Bureaucracy will be kissing your collective planetary behinds to get you to turn your entire purpose over to producing more and more of said commodity- Making yours the richest world in the entire Galactic spiral.
Because yours is the only planet that has chocolate-and coffee.
End