I checked my phone with sluggish eyes after waking up around 7 am. I saw 8 missed calls from my mom.
“8 missed calls.”, I recited.
Such counts of missed calls at this time, usually mean that there is either some wonderful news or a bad one, but something sure is serious.
I called back immediately. Within the single ring, my mom picked up and said, “Hello, Aryan...”. Her voice was quavering. In my head, I was thinking of a million scenarios, evaluating what bad could have happened.
“Yes, mom. Is everything alright?”, I asked.
In her trembling voice, she said, “How quick can you come to Gurgaon? Your father had a heart attack in the morning. We…. we are taking him to Medicare Hospital in Gurgaon.”,
I could sense immediate anxiety in her voice. It worried me. At the moment, for some reason, I was more worried about her, than my dad.
“What? But How? I.. I don’t know. Let me check and call you back in sometime.”
For a minute, I just sat down on my cot, trying to figure out what just happened. I felt like I was still dreaming and I am in my worst nightmare. I took the water bottle from the table, drank some of it. Put some into my eyes, thinking how fast can I reach Gurgaon from my college which was in Hyderabad. The obvious option was to book a flight to Delhi and then go to Gurgaon by road. But I had never traveled on a plane and never had I ever booked a flight ticket. I know it's not that hard to book a ticket and travel on a plane for the first time, but for the moment I thought I could use a little support.
I went straight to my best friend's room, who lives just across my hostel room, and knocked on his door.
“Gurpreet, Open the door. It’s urgent.”, I almost shouted.
He opened the door, rubbing his eyes. We both are quite similar. We generally have similar thoughts and habits in everything and sleeping late in the night is one of them.
“You look.. Terrible. Why do you look so dull.” He said.
“Well, I wasn’t like this 5 minutes ago.”.
“Is everything Okay? Come sit here.”.
“I need to go to Gurgaon right now. My dad is admitted to a hospital there. He had a heart attack... And I don’t know how to book a flight ticket.”. I said nervously.
I could sense some grief on his face. He quickly replied, “Well, I don’t have any experience in this either. But we’ll figure it out.”
He quickly switched on his laptop and while searching for flights, he said “We have our last exam today at 9. You're thinking of skipping it?”
“Yeah, possibly. Anyway, I am sure I’ll screw it up.”. I didn’t actually mean this. In engineering, from the outside we all behave as if we don’t give a fuck about exams but we all have prepared well for exams. Maybe we all do this to look cool. I don’t know exactly why we do this, but this attitude of behaving like “not giving a fuck” is not limited to exams only. The attitude is similar in almost everything but it’s just a facade. We all care a lot for almost everything but don’t want to accept it in front of the world.
He searched through the flights and found the earliest one at 1 pm. He looked at me and said, “I have an Idea. You book the flight for 1 pm and sit for the exam and leave between 10 to 11 from the exam hall. And then I think by 4 pm you’ll be in Gurgaon.”.
“Sounds good. I should get ready then.”
I went back to my room, called up my mother. I told her my plan to reach the hospital. As shocked as I was by the whole scenario, she seemed to be in a similar state. My dad had a healthy routine. He always went for a morning walk and sometimes jogging. He never drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes. He is a simple man with limited needs.
I knew my mother was strong. She worked hard most of her life, trying to give me a comfortable life. She told me that some of our relatives will be there at the hospital so I need not worry much. I was much relieved listening to that. I was trying to be strong like her and not to think about the worst-case possibility. I took some deep breaths trying to calm my nerves and left for the exam hall with Gurpreet.
We both sat in the exam hall, next to each other but some feet apart. While sitting, many of my friends wished me “All the best”. I wished the same to them too. For this particular time, I needed these wishes for a different exam. A life exam I didn’t wish to give but had to score my best.
For a couple of times, during the exam, my eyes got filled with tears, thinking about everything. I found Gurpreet looking at me both the times. He told me to calm myself down by making different gestures. As planned, I gave my answer sheet and left for the college gate. I walked out of the hall gate a few meters away and I heard Gurpreet’s shouting, “Aryan.. wait..”
“Let me drop you to the main gate.”, he continued.
“Your exam?”, I asked.
“I completed and submitted it. Anyway, I didn’t know anything about this course.”
He is a terrible liar. We both knew the fact that he left early just to make sure I am fine. I don’t like people sacrificing important things for me, I never did. But somehow I stumble upon such wonderful people. We started walking down to the main gate when I asked, “Why did you do this. You shouldn’t screw up important things like this.”.
“What are you talking about?”. Another terrible lie of acting like he didn’t understand.
“You submitting your answer sheet early. You’ll regret this.”
“It’s no big deal. You would have done the same.”. He replied. I couldn’t say anything further and just looked at him. His reply was just too good. Probably I would have done the same thing, but who knows.
Gurpreet continued saying, “You remember when I lost my phone and was too scared to tell that to my parents because I know they would scold me a lot. You gave me 2000 rupees to buy a new phone which you just earned by making a website for that asshole senior, that in my opinion was a genuine act of kindness. I can at least do this.”.
I feel what he did today was much harder compared to what I did. I guess kindness just reciprocates. In the end, we were just trying to comfort each other. Me giving him 2000 rupees to save him from scoldings, and he being alongside me, walking down to the main gate when I needed some support the most.
On reaching the exit gate, he hugged me and wished me luck, and told me that everything is going to be alright. I realized, sometimes as simple as giving a hug and telling someone that everything is going to be alright can make someone believe that the world around them is not completely shattered. It can raise hope and can make someone that there is still some good left in it.
I reached the airport, did all the formalities before boarding the flight. As soon as I entered the plane. The air hostess greeted me a good afternoon with a big smile. I saw all the happy faces around me. People chatting with each other and laughing. Parents playing with their baby children. I thought to myself, how can all the people be so happy? Can’t they see me? Don’t they realize what I am going through? Shouldn’t they all be sad and show me some sympathy, or are they celebrating my suffering? Shouldn’t the world just stop?
What an absurd thought. Most of the people I passed today must also have their souls in pieces at some point in their lives, and I don’t know about their sufferings too. Everyone is fighting their own battles, I know nothing about it, and this life is a war. I think that’s how the universe works, just passing by. I sat on the window seat and could see plane wings. I watched just the plane wings moving the whole time. While pursuing engineering, we were taught how by slight movements in the wing flaps the plane moves up and down. But they never taught us to handle the ups and downs of life. I guess such learning only comes with experiences.
I reached Delhi airport, took a metro to Gurgaon, and then an auto to reach the hospital. I met mom, who I found really tense and upset. Her eyes were filled with tears, just waiting to come outside. She hugged me and asked me if I had something to eat. A mother's affection and care for her child is never influenced by whatever is happening in the outside world.
I totally ignored her and asked about dad. She told me that an operation has been going on for the last 2 hours and asked me to go get something to eat first. I soon met other relatives, who showed a lot of empathy. My cousins took me to the hospital pantry for something to eat. The items on the menu seemed quite expensive. I soon realized that the hospital is a private one and is quite expensive. My cousins tried lifting up my mind from the whole scenario, but I was uninterested to listen to whatever they were talking about. For the first time in my life, I felt numbness inside me. It was a peculiar feeling. I didn’t know what to do and how to feel.
I sat with Mom for a while, made some conversations, trying to ease her pain and getting to know how she is feeling. She didn't express herself much and tried to seem normal in front of me. I think everyone just wears an invisible mask at various stages in life just to hide their emotions. Some people say it’s a defence mechanism. It’s frustrating. People should be able to communicate how they feel, how they really feel, no matter how bad, in front of their loved ones. It eats up one’s soul if one keeps wearing this mask for too long.
I asked her about the expenses for the hospital care, and she told me all have been taken care of as they had some savings. I was relieved. They never really discussed money-related problems with me in the past either. Soon, one of the doctors from the operation theatre came out, we rushed towards him.
The doctor said, “The operation was successful. But there can be some complications of blood clotting in the brain, due to which we have to keep him in ICU till tomorrow. We might have to do another surgery tomorrow morning.”
We were all frightened. My Mom quickly asked, “Can we see him?”.
“In a while, you can see him. The nurse will guide you.”. Looking at all our faces, the doctor continued, “We are trying our best. Don’t lose hope.”.
Don’t lose hope, the doctor said. I heard a story about hope my dad told me once. The Story about a One-Armed Judo Champion. A man who was born with only a right arm was once mugged by a bunch of thieves. The one-armed man on retaliating was beaten quite badly by them. The man decided to learn Judo from an old Judo master so as to beat those thieves back someday. The master taught him a very exciting Judo throw in the first week of the training. In the second week, the judo master asked him to practice the same move. Every other week, he was taught the same one technique over and over again. He could see other students learning different Judo techniques, but he couldn’t understand why, even after three months of practice, the master taught him only one single move.
Soon, the master asked the man to fight another student. The one-armed man was beaten easily. The master asked another student to fight with the man, but the man lost again. The whole class except the master laughed at him. He felt hopeless. The man gathered some courage and asked the master, “Shouldn’t I be learning some more moves like other students.”
The master replied, “You are learning Judo, just to beat those thieves which you won’t even see in the future. You lost because you see those thieves in every opponent you face. You fight with anger forgetting everything you have learned till now. Just focus on the one move I taught you, and you wouldn’t need to know anything else. You need to believe in the technique.”
The man couldn’t understand much, but for several months he practiced the same move over and over again. The master then asked him to take part in the annual Judo Tournament. The man was able to beat the first three opponents quite easily. The fourth match was a little harder but the man managed to pull the technique. He soon finds himself in the tournament final. The final opponent of the tournament was much bigger and stronger. The man struggled a bit but with his swiftness and technique was able to win the tournament in the end.
On the way back home, the master and the boy discussed and reviewed every move in all the matches. Surprised by the victory, the man asked the master, how was he able to win the tournament with only a move.
“You won for two reasons”, the master replied.
“First, you believed in the move. The only move you know, which is one of the most difficult moves in Judo. And second, the only defense for the move you mastered, is for your opponent to grab your left arm”.
My dad always taught me to keep hope in the worst of our times. I have seen him facing many hurdles in his life from a recession in business to a family partition. He too was hopeless on many occasions, but he picked himself up and overcame against all odds. I guess it was my time to fill in his shoes.
The nurse approached and told us that one of us can meet the patient. We all looked at mom. She stood up and went with the nurse. After like 15 minutes, mom came back. Her face was all wet with tears. Her eyes went red. I asked her, “Is everything all right? Is Dad okay?”
“Yes, he was okay. He talked too but I couldn’t see him in that state”.
“What state? What do you mean?”
“There were pipes all around him. He looked very slim.”
“That usually happens in a surgery. Why are you crying so much? Everyone is looking at us. Stop crying now.”. I almost scolded her. I was scared to see her like that.
She looked back at me angrily and said, “I can’t stop crying”. I hugged her and rubbed her teary eyes. I assured her everything will be alright. She momentarily stopped crying.
One of the other hospital staff members came to us and asked us to pay for the remaining fee at the reception. She also said that only one of us can stay in the waiting room for the night. Mom went along with the nurse to pay the remaining charges. I followed her. She took out a credit card from her purse and paid six lakhs rupees from the card. As far as I knew, we didn’t own a credit card. The card was away from my sight so I couldn’t see the name on the card. Mom put the card back inside her purse before I could ask anything. I wanted to ask her about it, but didn’t feel like an appropriate moment to ask her.
I later asked everyone to go back to their homes and volunteered to stay in the hospital for the rest of the night. I sneakingly asked my cousin to take extra care of mom, as she had been through a lot. Soon, they all left and I went to the waiting room, where they had recliner sofas arranged like seats in a cinema hall. I grabbed one of the seats and could see huge glass panels in front of me, through which I could see the exit of the hospital. As time passed, it felt darker and darker. I tried sleeping but couldn’t get an ounce of it. I started to remember all the lows and horrors of my life. From getting bullied in school to failing an engineering entrance exam. I wondered what my dad must be dreaming or thinking with all the anesthesia and sedatives injected into him. Is he scared too?
Suddenly, a man sitting next to me on the recliner, who I think was also in a similar situation, said, “Hey! You okay?”
“Yeah! Not able to sleep”, I replied.
“Me too. Do you want to stroll out?”
“Yeah! Yeah! It might put my mind to sleep I guess”.
He seemed about three-four years older than me, sort of like a working professional. While walking he stopped at a cigarette shop and asked “Do you smoke?”
“No, not really.”
“Well, you could try one. It might calm your mind.”
After thinking for a few seconds, I said “Okay. I could use one.”
As it was my first time smoking a cigarette, he taught me how to smoke one.
“So what do you do?”, he asked.
“I am currently in my 3rd year pursuing engineering in Computer Science at BITS”
“Seriously?, I graduated from there too like five years ago.”.
“Really? So what do you do now?”
“I am working in a startup in Bengaluru.”
“That's nice. What brought you here?”, I asked.
“My father got a heart attack. It was his third heart attack and he needed to have a bypass surgery. His arteries were getting blocked. What about you?”
“My father had a heart attack too in the morning. I don’t know much of the details and couldn’t research either. The doctor said that the operation was successful but there can be some complications of blood clotting in the brain.”.
“Don’t worry though, It’s the best hospital in the country for heart-related problems. I am sure we’ll make it through.”.
“I hope so.”
We walked back to the waiting room chit-chatting about the college. Gossiping about the professors, the unpleasant mess food, changes in the academics block. I felt quite settling and it definitely put my mind to rest.
Next morning, when I woke up from the sunlight coming from the windows, I looked to my right to see my college alumni. But the recliner seat was empty. After washing up my face, I started looking up for him. After roaming twice around the whole hospital, I found him crying with his mother and sister in front of the ICU. It was clear that the worst that could have happened has happened to him. I was terrified. I started walking towards him, but couldn’t move much further. I wanted to talk to him, ask him what happened to his father, ask him if there is anything I could do to help them or ease their pain. But I just turned around, walked back to the waiting room, perhaps I was just too scared to know his feelings. I called up mom, who was on her way to the hospital.
Soon, she along with other relatives reached the hospital. We were all waiting for the doctor to arrive and to tell if another operation is required or not. My mother came to me and sensed some tension on my face. I wanted to tell her all about the man I met yesterday, and what happened to him, but thought It would be better if she didn’t know about it. She gave me 500 rupees to go have some breakfast.
I wasn’t feeling hungry, but I just went outside the hospital, just to see some happy people. I found a small restaurant serving pizzas, burgers, and sandwiches. I was going through the menu and suddenly a bunch of little beggar kids surrounded me from one side of the table. They asked me for money to have some meals. I asked them I do not have change but they can sit with me at the table and can have anything they want from the menu. They sat along and seemed confused and nervous. After some discussion, we all ordered burgers. The poor children were quite happy and were giggling among themselves. I tried making some small conversations with them by asking their age and if they go to school. There were mixed answers. They were all between the ages of four to six years and none of them were exposed to any kind of education. I felt sorry for them.
Later the burgers arrived. All of them had a huge smile on their face. Out of the six children sitting with me, one of them stood up and asked, “Can I take my burger and go?”
I was a little surprised so I asked, “You can. Where do you want to go?”.
“My sister must be hungry too. I will share this with her.”
I was astonished to see how much the poor beggar children cared about his sister. I realized the affection and care we have for our loved ones, for our truly loved ones, is immune from caste, religion, rich and poor, and definitely age. This was probably the best thing I have seen and heard in years. I asked him, “Why don’t you call your sister here?”
“I don't know where she is right now.”, he replied.
“Okay. What about your parents? Wait a minute, I’ll order some food for them too.”
“No need bhaiya. We don’t have any parents.”
I handed him another burger and asked, “Give this to her”.
“Thank You bhaiya. May God bless you.”, he said and left. I needed those wishes the most.
I tried eating but wasn’t able to swallow anything. My eyes were watery and my throat felt contracted making me unable to eat anything. I ordered as many burgers and sandwiches as I could have ordered with the rest of the money and asked everyone to take them and give it to their friends and family.
I went back to the hospital, I saw a doctor talking to my mom. I rushed towards them. The Doctor explained that everything is normal, the blood clot formation in the brain that they worried about didn’t take place, so the patient is out of danger. Listening to that, it felt like it was easier to breathe again. I didn’t particularly believe in God, but I think that poor child's blessings might just have worked. The Doctor further said that one of us can meet him again. Everyone looked at me this time.
I followed the nurse who took me inside the ICU. I saw dad lying on the bed, sleeping and wearing an oxygen mask. His chest was dissected and was sewed up together by stitches. His hand had a small pipe going inside. There was another pipe going inside from the wrist section of the right hand, and another from the chest region. His face was all dried up and his chest was all red. He used to have a huge belly which was nowhere to be seen. For a moment I didn’t believe it was him. I broke down looking at him. I was petrified. My eyes kept pouring tears. The nurse pulled out a stool for me to sit. She pulled down the oxygen mask from Dad’s face. Looking at his dried lips I asked the nurse to give him some water. But the nurse told me that it’s a medical procedure, the best she can do is wet his lips with some water. I asked her to do that at least if she can. She woke up dad. He opened his eyes as if he was woken up from some deep dream.
I said, “Papa. Look at me.”.
“Aryan, Is it you?”, he said. He turned his neck towards me.
“Yes. Are you okay? How are you feeling?”
He completely ignored my question and asked, “Don’t you have an exam today?”.
Even all this happening, he remembered it.
“Yes. It went well. Are you feeling alright?”, I asked again.
“Son, take me from here. These people will kill me.”, He tried lifting up himself. I didn’t know why he said that but I think he was scared too.
“No, Papa. Everything is alright.”
“We don’t have enough money to pay the expenses. These people will make a huge bill. Take me from here. I want to go with you.”
Tears started rolling down quicker now. I realized that despite having financial problems in the house, they never let me know it. All my demands and needs were fulfilled, even if my parents were living in their worst nightmares. How do they even manage to do it?
“Everything has been taken care of, Papa. My uncle knew a few people here, so it's all free of cost.”, I lied, just to calm his mind to make him feel satisfied. That’s the best thing to do in this situation I thought. After telling this same thing a few times, he believed it.
He further said in a trembling voice, “I don’t think I am going to survive here, so promise me that you will take care of yourself and your mom. Promise me.”
“No”, I said. I always believed that people leave this world on their deathbed, when they have no reason to live. When they believe that other people can take care of the people they love, and they don’t have to worry about not being present around them. I wanted him to feel like he was needed so he had the will to say. I further said, “No. I won’t promise you that and I won’t take care of mom and myself without you.”
He started crying. I cried a lot too. Tears fell from my eyes like mountains melting ice and making rivers. He probably must be thinking what a bad and irresponsible son I am. I couldn’t handle things on my own. No doubt, he must be thinking what a disappointment I am.
The nurse asked me to leave as I was causing stress to my dad. I finally told him, “You can’t lose hope Papa. Everything will be alright.” and I left.
After getting out of the ICU, I realized half of my shirt along with my collar is wet with tears, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop crying.
I saw mom. Looking at me crying so hard, she hugged me tight. She slowly whispered in my ears, “Now you know, why I couldn’t stop crying.” She kissed my forehead and I kept on crying.