It was an overcast August midday, hinting at the rainfall ahead. I waited to reserve a ride home at the Vivira Mall's main gate in Navalur, Chennai. I was carrying paper bags containing the newly purchased clothing from the Zudio fashion store. Zudio offers reasonably priced clothing in trendy styles. Although my sense of style was evolving, my heart has held back its love for him since 2016. Yeah, it's him. My first love. It was my last too.
That weekend, even though there were many people moving around, I could still almost feel his presence. I updated my OLA app's destination from home to Orange Coconut, a restaurant and bar in Thuraipakkam, fifteen minutes from the Vivira Mall. Long ago, a buddy of mine had told me about this place.
I haven’t been to any restobars before. I'm not the type to hang out a lot. The last time when I used to be so enthusiastic to go out was during my college days, with him. All that I loved, the reason behind every small and big thing was him.
Why am I heading to the restobar now? There is a minority percentage of women who, at least once in their lifetime, have felt like getting drunk or smoking to fade away their worries for a while. I am one among them. The ring and chain that he gifted me when we were on cloud nine of our relationship held great significance as a betrothal ring, and the mangalsutra It was more than just a birthday present. After our separation, the first puff was chained with several cigar puffs. Years passed by, and still I couldn’t get over him. Neither the smoke nor the thoughts faded.
As the auto reached the destination, I informed my brother and walked in. There were mixed reactions among all out there. It is common in our country to see a woman in weird or surprising ways at places related to alcohol. As I kept walking into the bar, without giving a damn about those comments, the music on the famous ‘Beat It’ song of the great star Michael Jackson played in a crescendo.
“You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
Just beat it (beat it), beat it (beat it)”
The restobar had stylish interiors, a lively ambiance, and a combination of Eastern and Western cuisines. I sat on the couch facing straight to the large screen, playing famous English albums and setting the vibe. A young man with a neatly pressed black full-sleeve shirt and pants walked towards me and asked for the order in a very polite manner. Mentioning to him that it was my first time drinking, I asked for help to choose my drink. After his guidance, I ordered crispy fried corn, green sauce penne pasta, and a large Teacher's Highland whisky.
I looked at the contact named ‘J’ on my mobile. The contact, which was saved previously as ‘Husband’, ‘Mine’, ‘Soul Partner’, etc., along with hearts, is now saved formally with a starting letter. I switched to Instagram, navigated to the blocked list, unblocked him, and looked at the profile. I still wonder the reason why that madly in love bond has now become strangers apart. I saw the status he had posted a few hours ago with another girl, holding each other’s shoulders and tagged with hearts.
What happened to our selfless love and the beautiful friendship that was years ago? Why did he go without even telling me any reason? What went wrong? Is this the reward each loyal and infinite love deserves? Of course, I wouldn’t have let him go if he had said. But we could have sat and sorted it out. What did I do to make him decide to leave me forever? The questions one by one competed in my mind and came out via tears. The drops of tears fell on the mobile screen on his profile picture.
I was clueless about what I was. What do I call myself? In the world of heart, we have already got married and are now separated too. Now what am I? Betrothed, widow, bereaved fiancée, love failure, spinster, overthinker, mentally affected, smoke addict, or now a drunkard. The bartender came to check if I was alright. With red eyes, a pale face, and a fake smile, I said I was okay.
My order arrived in a few minutes. I gulped the whisky faster thinking of him. The painful feeling of eating when you are deeply broken emotionally is something that can be more relatable to someone who has gone through a similar one. I came to drink to take away his memories for a while from my mind. Now I ended up feeling more and more of him.
I was getting unstable and dizzy. My brother arrived, paid the bill, helped me lie in our car holding my shoulders, and drove me back home. Though he was angry at my unstable state, he knew what I was going through.
As days passed, I gradually stopped these habits. Of course, it was not easy, but rather not impossible. My heart still misses him, but I don't keep weeping anymore for the past. Love stays evergreen with or without conversations.
Heartbreaks are common in all of our lives in some way or another, but be it good or bad, nothing is permanent. We will have to learn to accept life the way it is. If certain things are meant to be, it will come to us. By the time it comes back, we will be more mature to analyze to give another chance or not to look back. So, never lose your present by worrying about the past. Love is never gonna be a mistake. Keep giving love to everyone without any expectations. Life will always be beautiful.
