Love never fails, but darn it?did I blow it?
Anna Jay
I have made up my mind that I do not want to see another Saturday evening witnessing any more of my friends marching down the aisle or attending any more nuptials or baby showers; not until my own! Just the sound of the church bell or to hear that old woman on the church organ play "Here Comes the Bride" has begun to irritate the daylights out of me. It has gotten to the point now at 29 that I am not even excited about catching the bridal boutique anymore and I hate being asked over and over to the bride's cake table as the "single friend" to do the cake charm ritual; shucks I have caught 7 bouquets already over the last 5 years and 2 heart charms (meaning impending love) with no sign or signal from even a decent prospect and the kicker was the thimble, which means the old maid, ok I have had quite enough. The last guy I dated just opened his mouth one night while we were on the way to a concert, "Let's just get married!'" I am saying to myself like what? There was no warning, no romantic jesters involved and the conversation we were just having had nothing to do with us as a couple, nothing about love, nothing had ever been discussed about our fleeting relationship nor have we ever conversated about any type of long-term commitment. Now hear me good, he was a nice man, and we had several things in common, but there was no fire or sparks between us. In papa's opinion he was there to take up "man space". I could not even remember us sharing a kiss for weeks, but that was fine because to me, he was a bad kisser, I mean bad, bad; something was off with us, everything seemed forced, I just could never put my thumb on it. Instead of being annoyed with Chance, who was supposed to be a boyfriend, figuratively had somehow mutated into the friend's zone. The other couple who rode with us overheard his uninvited proposal and they became all excited, but I had to shut it down, I do not know what world Chance was living in so without thinking I just spoke up about some real truths about this (our) relationship: "I know you must be kidding me, marriage?" I want a husband, but he is not it. "Honey, I am sorry, and I don't want to embarrass you, but the truth of the matter is, I do not love you, I care for you a lot but let us be real, you have been shifted to the friend zone like weeks ago, so just forget it! I am sorry for being so harsh, but I have been wanting to say this for a while now." For weeks I felt like I was being stuffed into a box and after this confusion I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders! Even though I briefly felt better, I began to feel awful because I just embarrassed Chance in front of his friends. We had about another 5 miles to drive, and he was silent driving every one of those miles. Darn it, Denise! I know I hurt his feelings, doggone it, I hurt his heart, I was not planning on being this direct, but it needed to be said! Once we made it to the venue, he parked my car, escorted us to the entrance, then he called himself an Uber and left me and his guest at the concert. I felt bad at first and then I did not feel bad, I felt relieved. I never saw a future for us, and it is a good thing it was over before it started, because a few months later I bumped into Chance, and he thanked me for being honest and introduced me to his new love who was this waiter named Terrell that worked at our favorite bistro on 29th and Fern Street! Terrell would always make sure we had everything we needed and even invited us to the Annual Wine Tasting event some time ago. I always noticed he was very comfortable and friendly around Chance, but it never dawned on me that he and Terrell had a connection, so after seeing them both together it all made sense why the fireworks were not happening between us, it is now obvious that we were trying to force flames into a bonfire that I could not ignite! I gave Chance and Terrell a hug and wished them power, peace, and love.
But the one I was expecting to be my everything, the one I wanted to marry had carried us over some rough waters after 6 years of a blissful dating relationship! The night I walked away from Trent Washington; I know I completely burned the bridge of communication down. Trent was the guy that checked all the right boxes for being perfect for me, he was the "the guy" to lead a community, he was "the handsome guy", 'the loving guy", "the charming guy" and for God' sake, he was "the guy" my grandmother handpicked him it seemed and told me that Trent Alexander Washington was going to be my husband. And let me tell you, everything my grandmother spoke of would always come true! So, upon her recommendation I just knew that Trent was the man of my dreams. We had been dating since I was in the 10th grade and to be with him was always comfortable, freeing, and safe. When he finished growing at 21, this man was 6'3 and half, and I could say that no one would ever try in their right mind to bother me or even look at me without suffering the consequences of his wrath. But what no one ever really knew about my Trent was that he was gentle, sweet and a loving giant. He would never hurt a fly and for certain he would never harm other human beings, but who was I to tell them this piece of information. His status as the top guy on the High School and College campus was clear and I was his lady and I had to be treated and respected as such by him and everyone else! We were committed to one another knowing that the plan after our four years of college was for us to get married, have some babies and live happily ever after. Trent even gifted me with a promise ring `the night of our Senior Prom, vowing that we would save ourselves for each other until we became Man and wife. I kept my ring all of these years and it pains me still, right now; I am sad and filled with regret because I really did love this person with all my heart, and I thought at least that he loved me as well until I recalled that I caught him with the neighborhood give away; to put it nicely, at least that is what it looked like. That was one of the most humiliating episodes of my young adult life to catch him with Sally Ann Perkins, he was just standing there holding her pocketbook, her jacket, her shoes in the hotel lobby where we were supposed to be attending a seminar for school. His country tall self was rustling trying to help her zipper up her cheap, super shape clinging red dress! When I walked out of that day's last session, my sister and I spotted them in that lobby coming out of the elevator and he looked up and saw me, his eyes were the size of fifty cent pieces which showed me that he was guilty! At that point I did not know to be embarrassed or downright furious, so I chose furious because he is with this man stealing heifer and making me look like a fool in front of my sister Daria and all of our friends and colleagues, and before I know it, I blew my cool. I threw down my pocketbook and my backpack to the floor and stormed through that marble filled lobby and forcefully pushed the circular glass doors around for me to escape, hoping that this would keep anyone from following me right away. I had no idea where I was headed but all I knew was that I had to get out of there and away from him. This was the day I should have packed my taser, that would have done me some good to see him stretched out on the floor in pain! I was so angry I did not realize I had walked 12 blocks down Canal Street and suddenly I could hear my name being called and it's Trent's voice, calling for me to stop. "Denise! Denise! Wait, let me explain, it's not what it looks like." Oh, so now he has stashed away his fun girl and he wants to come running after me, but at this moment all I can hear are steam engines racing in my ears. Trent grabs my hand to slow me down, because now he is out of breath from running to explain what I saw, but before he had the opportunity to catch his breath my lips and tongue were saying things I could never take back and he is being the humble person he was he remained completely silent, even his breathing had halted while I did all the talking. He hurt me and I decided at that moment I was going to hurt him. I still remember all of those hateful horrible words that I can never ever take back. Trent was just standing there looking dumb to me, but I now recall seeing in his eyes showed how numb he was, and I could hear Daria and my friends in the background trying to settle me down. I was so furious and at that point ?.Trent the guy who I loved so much broke our promise and my heart into a thousand pieces. I know what Etta James meant when she sang, I would rather go blind than to see you with another. I wish I was blind that night, for Sally had been trying to claw for my man for a long time and it looks like she got what she wanted right smack dead in front of me. I have been nothing but devoted and faithful to this person, and this is what I get, after all these years! But the way my sister explains it, I did not even allow him to answer, and I kept cutting him off and blew up that bridge that connected our hearts. Those remnants of destruction were my hurt, my pain, my devotion, it was my heart. After feeling like I was betrayed I put a plan into motion, I was set to graduate from college in a few weeks, and I found myself on the first bus to graduate school to get my master's in social work. There was no way I was going to sit in this town and let him aggravate me to take him back! As a matter of fact, I did not even want to see him, so I did not even attend my graduation ceremony; but here I am all alone sitting here 6 years later wondering what he could be doing at this very moment. Darn it!
Time is known to heal all wounds, which is what grandmama would say, but for me my wounds are just scabbed over. Nothing has ever been settled and my heart ponders for the what if, so I kept my nose in the books and worked to keep myself from thinking about Trent as much as possible. After looking at how I acted the last time I saw him, I should be ashamed of myself, I know I really did not give him the chance to defend himself. But anyway, I believe it could be too late. Or is it? I could ask Daria because she has kept up with everyone from school. But I made her promise me to never mention his name ever to me or even in a causal conversation when speaking to someone else, and to my surprise she has managed not to say a word to me about him after all this time. Ah shucks, a guy like that may have moved on and found someone else, who knows he may have even married that Sally Ann Perkins: ughh that just makes my skin crawl to even think that ever happened! After all this time since I have been home, I have not seen or heard about him, and I wonder if I were to accidentally run into him what would he say? What would I say? Could he ever forgive me, or should I be deserving of forgiveness after all of these years? Our plan was derailed and by now I could have been one of those brides and we could be having our first bundle of joy by now. But this dream is not even deferred, my goodness it is just dead! So, instead of thinking upon those things that Trent and I planned out, I had to reset my life's focus on graduating in top of my Social Work Class and start looking for a job, so thankfully there were a river of job offers and wouldn't you know the best of them was right in my hometown. The job from the city's public health department was one not to think twice about, the pay and benefits were stellar and besides, I missed my family, but now here I am trying to keep a straight face in front of them at these events and today I am too exhausted to try to keep it together. And after all of that puffing and blowing years ago, all I can do since I came home is to think about Trent Alexander Washington and the possible life we could have had together. But the more I think about it, yes, I left, but you know what, he could have come after me if he loved me, right? I said I was not going to let him bother me here at home, but he could have come to Huntsville to worry me there! I know, I did not think that plan through enough, so for today I guess I will keep saying to myself, you wanted Trent out of your life, and he may belong to someone else, meanwhile I will continue to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich. I can just kick myself over and over.
After kicking myself in the behind fifty times in my head, I pulled out the baby shower invitation event for today for a classmate, Jasmine who was on the student government council with me in high school. Well, at least it is not a wedding, but I do not feel like being bothered with this either. I was just at her wedding a year ago, I am just shaking my head that she has managed to have two parties to celebrate her and that silly man of hers Charles Douglas in a matter of 12 months. I will drop off my gift to Daria who is headed to the shower and ask her to give my congratulations and regrets for not attending and besides she did not buy a gift anyway, she is the type to show up eat your food and talk about what was not great about the event, so her walking in with my gift (that she will pretend it was from her) will give the other hens something to talk about today. I am going to get out of this house, instead of shopping for others, I am going to an antique shop to find something special for my new house. I pick up the newspaper and I see the there is a Collector's Bazaar over in Chester, which sounds good, that is 45 minutes away and I can drive there and be back home before dark. I slip on my tennis, grab my keys, purse, and I jump in my Hybrid to drop of my gift off to my sister's and hit the open road to Chester, I am so excited, so far everything is perfect! Chester reminds you of the classic Main Street town with different shops and to my surprise they had the very thing I was looking for, a rustic Tiffany Lamp with Yellow and Red Stained-Glass. I am so excited, "This will be perfect in the Living Room!" But all sudden I hear a familiar voice that just answered my comment, "If I know you, I think it would look great in your living room as well." I did not realize that I was talking aloud to myself or just maybe I have finally lost it. I put the lamp back and slowly turned around and then I looked up, Oh my goodness, its him. It's Trent!!! My mouth flew wide open, I never dreamt in a thousand years I would run into him outside of our hometown. It just cannot be, I have called this guy into existence, but wait, keep your composure. "Wow, you have not changed a bit, you are still beautiful, and I never thought I would see you here in Chester. How have you been?" Before I could answer, I place my hand over my chest and I can feel my heart, it is racing terribly and before I knew it, everything went dark??.it looks like I have fainted!
In the distance I can hear a little voice, "Miss, are you ok? Can you hear me?" Oh, my goodness, am I dead? I came over to the next town and ran into this guy and I dropped dead, that is what I get for not going to the baby shower! But I am hearing a male voice as well, I can hear him, "Ok, everyone steps back so she can get some air, it looks like she is coming too now." I am fighting to open my eyes and I grab the side of my head only to realize I was in his arms. I was in his arms; I am safe in his arms. He feels good and smell so good?. wait a minute I fainted and fell into his arms? "Are you ok? you gave us quite a scare!" His voice sounded like smooth velvet, he has always had a smooth voice, but time has marinated it into perfection and then I look over and there was a petite woman next to him on the floor with us, "Ma'am are you ok? I can call for medical help if you would like?" I shake my head no, then they both begin to help me to my feet. I assumed that this must be his wife or girlfriend since she was standing so close to him. "I am so sorry, I do not know what happened just now, it was like a light switch had turned off. I am too embarrassed right now; I must leave." Before I knew it, I was moving swiftly toward my car, I was still a little wobbly, but I am determined to get out of this place. I can hear him and her behind me trying to get me to slow down, but I managed to jump in my car without any hesitation and begin to drive myself back to where I came from, home. I cried all the way home, without my lamp and I did not appear again until the next morning.
The phone rings, it happens to be Daria calling to tell me what was wrong with the baby shower yesterday, it is too early for all the chatter, and I am not in the mood for it, especially since I have seen him with his new wife. "Hello! Good morning, and Happy Sunday, I will see you at church this morning and no I do not want to hear about yesterday, I have had my fill and I am not in the mood for social banter. Love you." I at once hung up the phone before she could ask me what had happened. But I should have known better that my sister was not going to let that dismal go unchecked. It was only 10 minutes, and my sister was banging at my door in her pajamas and slippers with her church dress and shoes in hand. She did not even wait for me to come open the front door, she used my spare key that was hiding under my porch bullfrog statue and walked right in. "Sis, I was coming to answer the door, you have no patience, I am trying to get ready for church. So, what is it?" Daria looks at me with such shock, "Why you did not tell me you saw him yesterday over in Chester? First thing this morning I had to hear of your fallout in another town from him not you." I am shocked at this point, why did Trent call my sister? "Wait a minute, he did what? How did he know how to reach you? And besides what does it matter he is married to some young thang now and he should not concern himself with what is going on with me, that chapter about us and our life together has and will forever be closed." My sister placed her dress and shoes on the side of the couch and grabbed my shaking hands and led me to the living room sofa. "Denise, I know you were hurt about what you saw years ago, and you made me promise to never bring up the episode or his name again, but I must make this right for all of us and even more for you. It is obvious that you are still in love with him, and I know that he is still in love with you Sissy. Every time we run into each other in Chester he always makes a point to ask about you. What you saw that night was not what it seemed, and he would never intentionally hurt or wound you. He loved you to much for that, you were going to be his wife, in fact he was going to ask you that very night at the hotel once we broke from the seminar." I know she must be pulling my leg, "how that could have been when he was held up with that woman with half her clothes in his hands? I was nothing short of being faithful and he betrayed me." At this point my hurt is hurting all over again, I managed much better not just talking about it, but no I had to go to Chester to look for a lamp and lead myself into a dark place in my heart. My sis goes to collect a tissue for us both to dry our weeping eyes. Even though I thought I was wronged that night at the hotel, I never stopped loving him and trained myself not to think about that guy and locked out the possibility of having any 'real 'relationship with any other guy. "Look, let us get dressed and get over to the church, there is truly something special waiting on us today." I am drying my eyes and looking at my sister as if she has lost it. "Right now, I am not for any surprises, I hope pastor preaches his sermon and we can be out enough time to eat lunch over at moms before everyone else drops in for their Sunday visit to see Grandmother!" Daria agreed and went ahead toward my spare bedroom as if she lived there to finish getting dressed.
The church choir ushered us in a good song service and up next, we painful but joyfully expect our pastor's Sunday sermon. Parson Jonny Jones, III gets up with an announcement instead that threw us all off, "Good morning, Church!", the congregation replies in unison "Good morning!". "Normally I would get up here to preach my Sunday sermon right about now but to my wife's delight I will be spontaneous and change things up a little bit around here today." We are all shocked that Parson Jones would do anything out of the ordinary or even out of tradition, maybe this is what Daria was referring to earlier. As I looked on with amazement he continues on to say, " I was in my study last night preparing my sermon and I looked over at the calendar last night I and saw that today the 18th of September, it is National First Love Day and it made me think of my beautiful wife and my mind reached back to the very first day I met her, and from that moment I knew that she was going to be my wife!." The congregation is beginning to applaud and swoon over pastor's heartfelt reflection about his wife. I think it is nice as well, but I think he needs to get on with what he has planned before these tears turn into a river! I am already beside myself after seeing Trent yesterday knowing that I have really messed up. "So, with all of that being said, since this is the 25th Anniversary of the day we first met and it being National First Love Day, I am not going to be the preaching today, I am going to let our associate minister preach and I will be sitting in the audience next to my lovely wife and bride, but before he comes I have a person that is here today that is a native son that we all still love and cherish even though he relocated down the road to Chester a few years back. He called me up this morning and asked if he could come by today to get his heart back on track by confessing what is truly in the chambers of his heart. This brother thought it was finally time to make a mending with his first love. Without further a due, Pentecostal United let's reach deep in our hearts and welcome with a warm and joyful hand clap for our native son, Attorney at Law Trent A. Washington!" The congregation shouts and claps with a loud thunderous sound and I see him arise from the first bench to head toward the Parson. Trent extends his hands to pastor to shake it, but Parson Jones embraced him he walked toward the bench were his wife sat and Trent moved toward the pulpit microphone. I am glued to my seat parallelized with fear and I believe I am getting lightheaded again, but Daria grabs my hand and whispers in my ear, "Don't freak out sis, and don't get mad at any of us Denise, I cannot stand to see either of you suffer any longer, today is redemption day." "Good morning, Pentecostal, it is good to see everyone today and I want to thank Parsons Jones for allowing me to take a few minutes on this day to confess my love and apologize to someone I may have hurt some years ago. There is this 5'3' fireball by the name of Denise Louisa Wharton that came to the microphone one day at a school general assembly and she opened her mouth, and she commanded the attention of everyone that was present. She spoke boldly and firmly to the awaiting audience, but I did not hear one word she said until the very end, "Go warthogs!" I could not hear anything because at that very moment my breath was taken away and I knew I had to make my way to introduce myself to this magnificent human being. For those of you who don't remember nor are familiar with this situation, I want the record to show that I would have never openly disrespected this beautiful soul and even though I would never intentionally hurt her I want to say, I am so sorry for putting us in a difficult circumstance." and as he began to continue, I jumped up out of my seat to the middle of the aisle with tears streaming down my face. I stood there weak not knowing which direction I was headed to, will I walk out that church door or do I walk toward him and tell him I am sorry and that I still love him, but what about his wife? I wipe the tears away and I collect myself as I look toward the church door to run, but something pulled me to him at that moment. "Trent! I am sorry too for saying those awful things to you and not listening to what you were trying to tell me, I do forgive you, but I have a question. What about your wife, how can you come here and humiliate me again?" Everyone is taken aback, and you can hear the chatter throughout the sanctuary. Trent moves away from the pulpit with a puzzled look on his face. "What wife, what are you talking about?" I look at back at him with confusion because just yesterday he was with a woman when I fainted in his arms. "I am talking about the young lady that was with you on yesterday." "Who? Adela?" "Well yeah if that is what her name is..." "Denise, Adela is not my wife, she is the proprietor of that antique store, she was worried that you may have hurt yourself or taken sick in her store and has EMT training just for instances that happened on yesterday. Look, baby, since you ran off to Huntsville, I have not been able to connect with anyone else and I am here in front of God and all of these fine folks of Stapleton begging for your forgiveness and declaring my love for you. I want you back in life and in my heart woman, I want to rekindle our relationship and our love for one another, I want us to build a life and family right here in this town like we planned. I am willing to forgive and forget if you are willing to do the same Miss Denise Louisa Wharton.
"So, you are saying after all of these years you want us to start anew and pick where we left off?"
"Yes, baby, I am so still in love with you. I could never get you out of my heart, I knew you were angry, and you did not mean any of those things you said. So, I called Daria, and she told me you were headed to Huntsville, and I raced and caught up with that that bus until it arrived in the station, and as I watched people get off the bus, I saw the hurt stiffen your body and you fell into a seat in the lobby, and I saw the tears flow from your eyes. When I hurt you, I hurt me, and it took me a long time to forgive myself for putting you through that pain and embarrassment. Some days I would get up the nerve, jump in the car and drive to Huntsville to get you back home, but I could never find the right words to say, so I would drive back to Stapleton. So, once I got my Law degree, I moved to Chester hoping you would come back home to be with family and with me not being here this would give you the space you needed, but when you came to Chester and you walked right to the same lamp I was admiring, I knew that the heavens had opened a door of opportunity for me to make things right for us."
"Trent, thank you for confessing your heart today, but I have something to say to you Mr. Trent Alexander Washington! " Trent placed his hands at his sides and took a deep swallow to be ready for whatever would escape my lips." Don't just stand there, kiss your future bride!"
"Love is patient, Love is Kind, Love never fails."
