So much pain and hate are in my heart right now. Not even from the situation but simply the fact of betrayal. So many times I just let stuff go under the impression “yall are family”. What does that even mean? The only one who obeyed that was me. I never acted funny because of the way someone treated me. Yeah, I say what I should've done but never do it. People do take advantage of me and I'm aware. I don't like to keep stuff going but sometimes I believe things need a different ending.
I don't believe I should be looked at as a whore. Calling me names looking at me in disgust is not going to fix anything. Yeah, I made a mistake and I knew I made one. I only did it once and didn't want to do it again. He just turned 20 and I'm going to be 18 in a couple of weeks. We are only 2 years apart. To think that someone I could've gone to school with and be in the same class with as a pedo is messed up. Also, I shouldn't be slut-shamed for doing something normal. He did not use me even after all of this I can still see us talking in 3 years. I know we won't communicate now for a while but we will eventually. You have no idea what's going on nor did anyone ask.
He is so nice and caring and I'm not just saying that because I fucked him. Rather I met him online or in-person shouldn't matter he makes me happy and that should be all that matters. It's not like you guys are asking me how I feel or am I good or even how's my day going. I don't expect anyone to ask me anything personal considering the fact I was depressed for 3 years. Don't expect anyone to understand plus it doesn't have a look. You can't just look at someone and say “oh they're depressed”. You know what you can do though ask how people are and if they're okay.
I wish that instead of making fun of me when Daeqoun broke up with me someone was there to tell me what he said wasn't true even though it might have been. Some type of enlightenment, humor, or encouragement. As I stood behind my fake laughter I was dying inside. Thinking about all the stuff we said we would do. That spring break I think I lost myself more. I lost exactly 5 pounds within a couple of months I hadn't even realized till I stood in the mirror. It was hard trying to get back to 118 but I did.
Even now I did not stop. I worked hard to get to 120. I'm pushing for 126. I want to stay healthy so I've been taking a lot of vitamins. Shon told me that my body is fine but the memory of Daequon saying I was too skinny still runs through my mind. I remember when we would be waiting in the library for classes to start and random females would walk up to him trying to talk. Sometimes I think he didn't even care that I was there.
Shon listens to me and doesn't try to tell me I'm wrong just for having a different opinion. He tries to understand me and doesn't put me in uncomfortable positions. It hasn't been that long but I miss him already. He was going through stuff with his family and I just hope he's okay. When this is all over I hope we can be together and grow together. I'm tired of being alone but it's starting to seem like I'm not supposed to be happy.