Beatrice entered the kitchen half asleep even though it was four in the afternoon. There was a small pause, then everyone went back to their current activity. Beatrice sighed and walked over to the refrigerator. Her exhaustion only grew in the realization that nobody went to the store and her note remained ignored on the fridge door. The sound of the refrigerator door shutting louder than normal did not seem to affect the ecosystem in the kitchen. Every damn day…Beatrice thought to herself.
“Guess I’ll hit the store on my way home”. Beatrice spoke into the void. She was greeted by ‘mmhmms’ and grunts from the masses. She could only roll her eyes and grab her keys. She took one last look at the mess that would await her when she got home and slammed the front door.
“Beatrice! For Christ’s sake!” Beatrice was immediately snapped back to her reality. Sammy was leaning over her, showing her the error on the tablet.
Sammy was every boss’ dream, every employee’s favorite and she knew it. But she never used it to her advantage unless it was absolutely necessary for her team.
“I’m sorry, Sammy. I guess I need you to go over it again”, Beatrice said with a slight shame in her voice.
“Okay, Team. Let’s get a quick stretch in”, Sammy said.
“Ugh! Come ON!”. grunted Patrick.
“Patrick! Do we need a reminder of last week?" Sammy raised an eyebrow as she chided him. Patrick shoved his chair back and grabbed his phone.
“Whatever”, he mumbled as he left the room.
Beatrice got up and walked toward the low cooler that held the water bottles. She wasn’t actually thirsty but definitely embarrassed. She was the best on the Team and had been showing her human flaws the last week. Nobody knew anything detailed about her personal life and she meant to keep it that way. You let people in, cracks start to show and then people use those cracks to make you crumble.
Sammy could sense the emotion in Beatrice’s movement. She knew that she had to approach this with some delicacy.
“How’s everyone holding up?” Sammy treaded carefully. Beatrice closed her eyes, grabbed water and stood up straight.
“We are all fine, Ma’am.”
“Have the children been sleeping?”
"As well as one would expect them to.” Beatrice craved silence. She was not granted such a request.
“Beatrice," Sammy started. Sammy turned to face her superior.
“Look, I am off my game today. It won’t happen again. I promise.”
“We all understand. If you need time off - “Beatrice cut her off.
“I am FINE”, Beatrice reiterated. “Seriously, don’t we have more important things to discuss?” Beatrice waved towards the tablets. Sammy nodded as the rest of the group re-entered the room. Beatrice huffed and moved to her seat. For a group specifically trained in analyzing the emotions and actions of others, they were pretty dense to what was happening in the room.
“I am home”, Beatrice called, even though she wondered why she even bothered as she was greeted by silence. She made her way to the kitchen with the bags filled with stuff from her list. Well, it’s technically everyone’s list but no one seemed to be in the right frame of mind to acknowledge its contents at any time. As Beatrice finished putting away the last of the pantry items, she felt a slight brush upon her calf. She looked down at Stanley and gave a half smile.
“Well, that’s the first sign of life I have seen from you in weeks”, he purred.
“I know, Stanley. We are all just trying to readjust to this new normal, I guess. God, I hate that term. New normal. As if anything about this new situation is normal.”
Beatrice continued to stock and organize the pantry. Stanley jumped on the counter adjacent to where she was standing. He cleaned his face by way of his paw.
“Sometimes it helps to just sit quietly with your feelings. Acknowledge them, and then let them pass.”
“This will never pass, Stanley. No matter how much I try to “Buddha” the shit out of it.” She looked down at the fruit cup in her hand and shook her head. “I don’t know why I bother. They keep asking for these, but I don’t even know if they are actually eating them.”
The ten am alarm blared louder than Beatrice remembered. She reached over to shut it off and rolled over. He must have left for work, she said to herself.
“Mommy, can we please eat?” Fitz asked as he nuzzled Beatrice’s neck.
“Yes, I am getting up”, she said as she scratched his chin. Deep breath, Bee.
Bee was what her family called her throughout her entire life. It had obviously trickled down to her partner and children. It was one of her few comforting thoughts these days.
“Mommy!” Fitz’s voice forced Bee to throw the covers off. She walked down the stairs and moved towards the pantry. There was no activity today, but she noticed the dishes in the sink. Well at least they made it to the sink today, she thought. After a small beat, Beatrice turned her attention to feeding the two that had been staring her down this entire time.
“Okay, okay”, she sighed. She started plating everyone’s breakfast when she was startled by a new pair of eyes in her sight. “I see you, Benny. How’s Mommy’s best girl?” Benny just looked up and blinked.
“Hungry”, Benny stretched her long arms and ended with a quick scratch on the edge of the cabinet. Beatrice rolled her eyes.
“I know, I know. Slow start to the day”, she placed the bowls in front of each of them and moved to starting the coffee. “Filter, four scoops, water”, she whispered to herself. “Filter, four scoops, wa-”, Beatrice stopped as the lump in her stomach was now caught in her throat. Both her hands gripped the counter, her head hung down as she shook it. “Mmmmmmmm.”
Exhale don’t forget to exhale. Breathe barely escaped from her pressed lips and tears formed. Beatrice fully exhaled, shook her hands, and started again. “Filter, four scoops, water…”
“Have you been doing the homework we talked about?”
Beatrice looked up. “What?”
“The homework, Bee. Remember?” Doctor Hawkins looked up from his notes.
“Don’t call me that”, she whispered.
“I’m sorry?”
“Nothing. No, I haven’t been.”
“Why?”
“Because, ok?” Beatrice was growing visibly frustrated. “Why do I feel like I am being interrogated? Is that how fucking therapy works? Just a constant stream of berating questions? Jesus…”
“Your frustration is real but probably misplaced.”
Beatrice rolled her eyes and groaned.
“Why do these questions upset you?” Doctor Hawkins asked as he placed his pen down and looked directly at Beatrice. Beatrice didn’t respond. “Look, Beatrice. This is pretty much mandated therapy. I get paid either way. We can sit here in silence for fifty-five minutes, once a week and I still earn my money. But I want to help you. I want you to get better, to feel better. Okay?”
Beatrice could only manage to shrug.
“Good.” Doctor Hawkins picked up his pen. “Now, the homework…”
Stanley was waiting in the kitchen, as per his usual nighttime routine. “How was therapy?”
Beatrice set her pizza box on the table, flung the top open and managed to eat half a slice in one bite.
“Fucking awful!” She mumbled; her mouth full. “This guy thinks he’s so goddamn smart. Whatever.” She looked down at the pizza. The melted cheese and grease glistened in the soft light of the kitchen. “Fuck, this is good.”
Stanley watched as she opened a bottle of wine with what could only be described as an incredible fervor. “He is a doctor”, he commented. “Sometimes we have to trust that someone knows more than we do and that they could possibly have our best interests in mind. But that’s just my opinion.”
Beatrice chewed in silence for a few seconds, then took a larger than normal swig of wine.
“Hey, what are we talking about?” Benny had entered the kitchen with FItz close behind.
“Mommy!” Fitz excitedly greeted his Mommy. He sniffed the air. “Pizza!” he squealed as he jumped into Batrice’s lap and rubbed his face against hers.
She knew he shouldn’t have it, but he loved pepperoni, and she couldn’t say no after he showed such affection. She held it out in her hand, and he grabbed the greasy piece with his front teeth, leaping off the table.
“I don’t know why you spoil him. It makes him impossible to live with” Benny complained as she cleaned her face. “It’s just ridiculous.”
“I spoil all of you in my own way.” Beatrice took another swig of wine. “Guess another quiet night around here. Would be nice if at least one of them waited up for me”, she shrugged.
Benny shot a quick look to Stanley, who just shook his head. Benny purred and rubbed against Beatrice, settling in her lap. She smiled softly and kissed Benny on the forehead.
“The purpose of these group sessions is so that we can connect and relate. Everyone in this room has been through something different but still completely tragic.”
Beatrice picked at her fingernail while the counselor spoke. Again, she was only here because it was court mandated. The room was small and stuffy plus it smelled full of sadness, mixed with a little bit of regret. The coffee was terrible but even if it wasn’t, why do they even serve coffee at these meetings? These people were balls of anxious messes as it was. The last thing they needed was to fucking drown that in caffeine.
“Beatrice, would you like to share? You’ve been coming for a couple months now…”
“Is that all? It feels like years”, she quipped. “No, I would not like to share. Choose someone else.”
The counselor sighed and moved on. Their voice trailed off in Beatrice’s head. She continued to pick at her nails for what felt like hours. When the forty five minutes came to an end, she grabbed her sweater and beelined for the door.
“Beatrice! Please wait!” The counselor called out.
Fuck! Beatrice stopped and turned around. “Look, I am super late. I really need to -”
“This will only take one second.”
“Alright…”, Beatrice set her sweater down on a chair and walked over. “Yes, Ma’am?”
“I know that this process is hard, but it only works if you participate. If you engage in it. These are the people that will completely understand you and what you’re going through.”
Beatrice looked out the window and exhaled. . She had heard it all already. Nothing, absolutely nothing will ever make this better. Why didn’t anyone ever get that? She just wanted to get home to her family, where she felt the safest.
“I understand this process is required for you but that probably means that your case worker thinks you really need it.”
The storm had knocked the power out and Beatrice was scrambling to get in the door while searching for a flashlight app on her phone. She heard the pounces as they all ran towards her.
“Alright, alright. I am here. Why didn’t anyone light a candle or something? Or at least a text to give me a heads up.”
She was greeted by rubs and purrs but an otherwise quiet house. Well, I guess they went out for dinner because of the power. Beatrice rummaged around the kitchen looking for candles and some kind of fire. When the kitchen looked like the set of Phantom of the Opera, she sat at the table.
“Chinese?” She asked to nobody
“Chicken for me!” Fitz said.
“Chicken for everyone, except Stanley. He wants fish,” Benny chided in.
An hour later, she tore into her greasy noodles while everyone else silently ate their dinners.
“Maybe,” started Stanley as he cleaned his face, “maybe just give it a chance. It may make you feel better, or at least get them off of your back.”
“There’s really nothing I have to say. I am being forced to go and it’s not even helping. It's just sad people being sad. And then the one on one’s is just some psycho succubus that wants my hundred dollars an hour, twice a week. And work is just work. I know they mean well but I don’t want them in my personal business. You know what I would really like? What would help? If my damn family was actually around every once in a while.”
Benny lovingly placed her paw on Beatrice’s hand. “It’s ok. We are here for you.”
“I know sweetheart.” There was a brief moment of contentment before the anxiety came rushing back. Benny felt this and jumped in her lap, purring. Beatrice sighed as she looked around. 'Why is it always so quiet?' she thought.
