(A man walks through the entrance into a fairly large hall where children of secondary school age dressed identically in orange and green are. Most of them are seated. A few of them are standing, and a few others are moving about.)
STUDENTS: Good afternoon sir!
TEACHER: Good afternoon! How do you do?
THE STUDENTS: We are fine sir!
THE TEACHER: (Smiling.) Who is your English teacher? The correct response to "how do you do?" is, "how do you do too?", not "I'm fine", "I'm good", "I'm doing fine", or anything else.
THE STUDENTS: (Exchange glances.)
THE TEACHER: Yeah! Are you surprised? Please, don't be. I was just as surprised when I found out about this those days while I was still in school. Whenever someone asks you, "how do you do?", you are to reply, "how do you do too?". I always tell you this: don't rely on only what you're taught in class. As a student, your job is to do research. Research! Why are you all staring at me like that? Are you still surprised? Or... are you doubting it?
ONE OF THE STUDENTS: I am doubting it, sir.
THE TEACHER: Who's that? Arisan, right? I know. It must always be you.
ARISAN: (Stands.) Sir, if I ask you, "how do you do?", and you answer my question by repeating the question, "how do you do too?", instead of letting me know how you're fairing, what am I supposed to respond next?
THE TEACHER: Respond, in what sense?
ARISAN: In common sense. Normal sense. You know the sense na.
(The students except Arisan, laugh.)
ARISAN: Like, I will na respond, "how do you do too too?", then you will say, "how do you do too too too?". So we will remain there, saying rubbish, until one of us dies. And we know who will die first between you and me.
(The students and the teacher laugh.)
THE TEACHER: (Smiling.) That's English language for you.
ARISAN: No, what's the response? How will I answer?
THE TEACHER: (Sighs.) What more do you want me to say?
ANOTHER OF THE STUDENTS: (Stands.) Let me try answering, sir.
(The class focus on the student.)
THE TEACHER: Yes, Bernard, let's hear you.
BERNARD: You are not supposed to answer the "how do you do too?". You are to continue your conversation, and leave it unanswered.
ARISAN: Unanswered.
BERNARD: Yeah. It's not really a question meant to be answered. It's just like a greeting, like "good morning". It is not to be taken as a question. For example, the common question, "how far?", in our vernacular, is not really trying to ask you how far you have gone. Then the "I dey O, bros" response, does not mean you are there, like literally standing or sitting wherever you are. It is just a way of greeting that became generally accepted. "How do you do?" isn't a question that requires an answer. The correct response to "how do you do?" is "how do you do?" or "how do you do too?". Then, the normal conversation continues.
THE TEACHER: Thank you Bernard. It is obvious that you are the only student in this class.
THE STUDENTS: (Exclaim.) Hei!
BERNARD: (Smiles.)
THE TEACHER: Do you get it? It's just like for instance, you come to visit me at my house. When you want to return home, it is already late. So I ask, "Why don't you pass the night here?". Although there is a question mark, I am actually suggesting something rather than asking a question. Do you understand what I'm saying?
THE STUDENTS: Yes sir!
ARISAN: O! What a pointless question! In fact, we already understood from Bernard's explanation, and I believe you too got some enlightenment from there, considering your... condition some few minutes ago.
(The students laugh.)
THE TEACHER: Arisan, are you okay now? When you were told to read! No! You would not heed. You refused to read. You would rather settle for those your "na", "E na", "E na say" you call English.
ARISAN: Thank you, Bernard, for enlightening us all. But you would have let our professor answer the question. I be don catch am finish.
All except Arisan, laugh.
ARISAN: I almost caught him red-handed.
THE TEACHER: (Still laughing.) Am I your English teacher?
ARISAN: I thought you forgot.
THE TEACHER: I was only trying to... you know. All right. Let's get down to business. In our previous class, I introduced the concept of scarcity. Today, we'll be discussing "Scale of Preference". Scale of preference is about arranging of unsatisfied wants in order of their relative importance. It is a list of unmet wants arranged in order of their relative importance or priority. This simply means that, the more pressing wants are placed at the top part of the list, while the less pressing wants are relegated to the bottom part of the list. Those wants at the top part of the list would be secured or purchased first with money and resources available, which are limited, before the wants at the bottom of the list are considered if there's still enough money to buy them. For instance, listen: One of Mr Dominic's wants are a pair of shoes, a pressing iron, food, a pair of scissors, a hairbrush, body cream, perfume, and... shoe polish. Applying common sense now, according to our learned brother, Arisan, John, which of the listed items do you think should come first in Mr Dominic's scale of preference?
JOHN: Food.
THE TEACHER: Faith, your opinion.
FAITH: Food, of course.
ARISAN: Come on! It's the iron.
THE TEACHER: I can't remember asking Arisan any question.
(The students laugh.)
THE TEACHER: (Touching his own head repeatedly with the index finger of his right hand.) Common sense, common sense. How could you say that, if you have any?
ARISAN: Yes na, common sense.
THE TEACHER: "Na" again? Is that an English word?
ARISAN: You guys love food excessively. That's the reason. When passion is at work, reasoning stops. The iron is clearly the most pressing, in fact, the only pressing need in the list. He needs a pressing iron, not an iron rod, not any iron, a "pressing" one. Come on! Even a child will know this.
All except Arisan, laugh.
THE TEACHER: (Struggling to tame his laughing.) Is... Is it that you are never serious, or that, this is how you really are? Can't you be serious for once in your life? Just once, please?
ARISAN: Okay, okay. I will be serious now. But... only for this once O.
(The class burst into another round of laughter.)
ARISAN: (Suddenly looking very serious.) Okay sir. Let's be serious. The economics class period is almost over. Why are all of you still laughing? Let us be serious na!
THE TEACHER: "Na" again. Is there a word like that in the English language? The only na I know in English means "no" or "not", and I know that's not what you're trying to say. Your vernacular has corrupted your spoken English. You are a "na" addict. Let me help you. Try changing the "na" to "now". Like, "let's be serious now". I know that's also not what you're trying to say, but it may be your only way out of this mess you call English.