Department of Childhood Fears
Letter of Resignation
Dear Sirs,
I have been living in the same closet for the last six years. This made sense when my child was little, but now she is a 14-year-old pre-teen. She’s too old for my usual tricks and I am not vicious enough to escalate. That is not in my wheelhouse.
Also, she is now quite mean.
Just as she turned 12, she realized quickly that I was, in fact, real. This was startling enough. As children age, they begin to rationalize things that once scared them, but this was not the case for my Emily.
As Emily was sleeping one night, shortly after her birthday, I began my usual routine. I knew what made her cry for her parents, I had been doing my thing here for four years after all.
Instead of shaking with fear and calling out to her mother, Emily jumped from her bed and whipped open the closet.
Who does that?
Lucky for my invisibility she did not see me, but she did speak to me. No one has spoken directly to me in over 100 years; it was jarring.
“You better shut up you old ghost! I will ask my dad to bring in a priest and exorcise your dumb ass!”
She said that.
To me!
It got worse from there. By the time she had turned 13—and I had already requested three transfers— she was telling me about her day. Her day. I heard everything about the boys she liked, the bullies at her school, and the drama with the other girls her age. It was torture. Also, teenage girls are unnecessarily dramatic.
This last year she had started demanding that I talk to her. I have yet to speak but she threatens me and calls me names. I have never known a tiny human to be so cruel.
The other day after a particularly rough night for me, she said I must be ugly and that is why I don’t show myself. She also said that there is no way that any parent could love a creature whose sole purpose was to scare children.
As if I don’t have hobbies!
This is my two weeks' notice; post the position. Maybe Emily could fill my role. She could make a grown man cry, I’m sure she could handle small children.
Good luck with that one.
DougBogemann
