Oh..woman...my woman...oh, my woman!!
Look at her! My graveyard is wet because of her tears. Her eyes are watery. It is the last thing I want to see in this world. She is crying and nobody is there to console her. Please, baby, don`t cry for me. Please don`t I beg you. I know you never wanted me to die!
"Shaaaaahiddddd, come back to me. I am sorry. I have always loved you. Please, come back!!!!" she cried.
I love you, even when my body is dead. And No please, No. Do not apologize, at least, not to me. You are always forgiven. In fact, it is not your fault that I committed suicide. I died because I deserved it. It is raining. Now the rain is falling all over you. My baby, please go home. Keep yourself warm. I am worried about you. I wish I could burn myself now to keep you warm but I can`t. I am dead. I ceased to exist. I couldn`t feel her warm hugs anymore although I really want to. I died because of coldness. Oh, woman... my woman...oh my woman.
She is the woman that every man was dying to be with. Let me describe her but promise me that you won`t fall in love with her. Can you? Okay. Her face is an oval shape with one mole on her left cheek. Her lips are so thin and pink that every time we kiss, it melts in my mouth like candy. Her short hair always looks messy but cute. Of course, she is not taller than me. If she was, she wouldn`t like me at all. Her body shape? Uh! Do you know Priyanka Chopra? Exactly like hers. I am not kidding at all. She doesn`t like to be called "tanned skin" girl. Some part of her skin is tan for sure but not. You know what I mean? Lol... You nasty! She wears black colour every day. She has eyes are so beautiful and speak a thousand words. Her voice..... her voice was a melody to me. I fell in love with her voice. Every time she speaks, I got goosebumps. The most attractive thing about her is her personality. She is so genuinely herself. So real. I had never met a woman like her before. Also, she was the first woman who had ever asked me out. How did she do that? I don`t know... she just does. She is magical and real at the same time.
Confident, outspoken, smart, and beautiful are words that people use to describe this woman. This woman with whom I am so in love yet jealous of all time. What is it about this woman that I was so crazy about? Eff about me! Why everyone I know compliments her whole existence? I have answers to the question but I pretend like I don`t because that way I feel better. I like to live life in confusion. Sometimes, it is better to be confused than to know about something clearly. Although my entire life was spent in confusion, there is one thing I was sure and clear about: that I loved this woman. I loved this woman who burned my chest with jealousy, confusion, doubts, and insecure. Why?
With so much pride I would often tell some of my friends, "She is my girlfriend". I swear to God, all of them thought that it was a joke. Some of them would react " Haha...Bro, don`t dream with open eyes. A girl like her would never want you in her life. Not even for a day." They were right! I used to believe the same. I had always envied and admired her secretly. I never told anyone about that because I felt so ashamed to admit that I admire someone I don`t deserve. But I was not lying when I said she was my girl because she was. She asked me out and it took me a month to realize that it was not a dream but real. I still remember when she said, "Sahid, I like you, a lot. Let`s go out for a dinner. My treat."
During that dinner, I so wanted to tell her " Marry me, please" but I was so scared to say that. Her lips were introduced to my lips after dinner. I did not want her to stop it but I was so nervous to continue as well. The lips of the woman I admired the most were over my lips. I do not have any words to describe the happiness I felt because I had never felt that way before. I was happy and at the same time, I felt that I did not deserve this woman.
I was not a good looking guy. Actually, I considered myself a scary, alcoholic, unintelligent guy. I was the opposite of what she is. My oval face had a prominent ugly nose. I didn`t like it. Oh, by the way, did I not tell you that her nose is beautifully shaped. I kissed it every time we meet because I love it. My eyes, well, she always said, she adored two things about me the most, my eyes and my laughter. I never found it attractive. Being the alcoholic I was, normally my eyes looked sleepy. I can agree that my eyelashes were longer than hers just like my height. I weighed slightly more than her. My lips were the typical horny guy`s lips. Nobody has ever complimented my lips. So, I will let you know when they do. Oh, another fun fact, her eyebrow was thinner than mine but she was not satisfied with it. I loved it when she got mad at the smallest things like that. I enjoyed the look she gave whenever she was unsatisfied. I squeezed her with my big hugs. She said she loved it when I did that.
It is unbelievable when two entirely different people are so in love with each other. I was worried that she was making the wrong decision by choosing an asshole like me.
My entire life was a failure. I had never accomplished anything in life. Not a thing. I was overly dependent on my parent`s income. I didn`t seem to have to worry about anything at all. I didn`t know why my parents never let me do things I wanted and forced me to do things they want me to do. I never quite understood that and I still didn`t. Maybe, I was an asshole who needed to be told what to do in life. I never really questioned them. So, I did everything that they asked me to do and here I was with failures. They expected me to be a doctor because it used to be a trend.
I was admitted to a medical school but was kicked after two years because of the failed attendant. I developed a new phobia during my two years at medical college which is haemophobia. I was so scared of even looking at the blood in the laboratory. Next goal my parent set up for me was to become a lawyer. As usual, I followed their guidelines. I followed them not because I was a good son. I never was. As I started my college life, I established drinking habit- a really heavy drinking habit. None of my family members had had the history of drinking, at least, not that I know. I was a good, smart, and obedient child outside and a spoiled child who does everything he wants inside. That`s right. I did everything I wanted without letting go of anything my parent wanted. I was good at playing the game. I never said no to my parents` wishes and did I never do what I desired. I drank, smoked, went whenever I wanted and flirted with everyone until I met this woman.
Before I met her, all I cared was about myself and me. Now? She was the only woman on this earth that I talked except I talked to my mother sometimes. I hope you can imagine the strong feelings I had for her. If today was the last day of my life, I wanted to spend my whole day holding and cuddling with this woman and do nothing else. That`s how much I valued her. I didn`t know what but there was something about her that drove me insane. I couldn`t stand it my friends talked about her. I wanted to be the only person in the room to talk about her. I liked talking about her but not hearing about her from others. Yes, I was that selfish-so selfish that I wanted to own her. It was such a stupid fantasy, wasn`t it? I didn`t even own myself. My life was in the hands of my parents and I couldn`t even publicly decide what I wanted to do. But I wanted her to be mine even if it seemed impossible. That`s what I wanted.
One day, I woke up from a very bad dream. A dream in which I had lost her. I couldn't bear the intensity that I gained from that nightmare. I decided to propose her. I wanted to marry this woman. I so wanted to. Without any hesitation, I called her to meet me. She said yes. I was happy because otherwise, she was a very busy person. "I am so lucky," I said to myself.
We had dinner together and she said she wanted to go to a beach and relax for a little while. So, I drove her there. We arrived at the beach. The air was touching her skin so intensely. Damn... I was jealous of the air as well! She was running towards the beach with both her arms spread out. I was staring at her back.
She was wearing a dark red dress. It was very unusual and she usually wears black. She looked super beautiful no matter what colour she wears. There was no makeup on her face.. not even a spot. I knew that she never enjoyed wearing it. And I always felt that she never needed it in the first place. She felt so comfortable in her own skin. She wore her confidence every day. That`s what she did. I went closer to her and hugged her from the back. She turned towards me and kissed my neck. I felt so aroused and pulled her closer to me. Her whole body was touching my whole body. We hugged each other so tight that there was no space between us. After some minutes, her lips kissed me. She liked taking the first step. Our entire relationship was based on her initiations. And she was the only woman who did that. So, I took pleasure in that. She slowly kissed my neck. Her lips touched all over my chest and I couldn`t help but felt the pleasure. No woman I had ever met made me feel the way she did. I held her head and suck her lips for whole three minutes. This woman has everything I want. A thought came into my mind. I should tell her now!!! I shifted my lips from her lips and hugged her to initiate conversation. A sense of worry popped up and I felt so heavy. Then I realized the power of initiation. It takes a lot of courage and will to initiate something. I knelt down myself and said,
"Nandita, I am not sure of anything in my life except one thing that I am so madly in love with you. I know you can be so scary and heartless sometimes but I still want to be with you. I cannot imagine my life without you. Will you please marry me?"
I took out the diamond ring that I bought this morning and waited for her to answer yes. There was a sincere smile on her face and some people at the beach were taking pictures of us. Then she said the following one sentence with the tone of serenity.
"Shahid, I have no desire to marry you, for, you have damaged many girls` lives in the past."
And she gave a kiss on my right cheek.
I watched her walked out until she disappeared.
I couldn`t believe what had happened. It was midnight and I was numb, deaf, blind, and dumb until the next morning.
I came back home and started crying all day, all night. She was right when she said I ruined many girls` lives but it was before I met her. Was it my fault? Did I deserve what she did? My brain couldn`t function at all. I texted, called, and emailed her for 30 days consecutively. I couldn`t understand what she meant by what she said. She must be kidding. She couldn`t do that. The woman who loved me so much or whom I loved so deeply couldn`t have done this to me. Not a day passed when I did not text her. I messaged and called her hoping that she might come back but she didn`t. I kept checking my phone, and emails. I searched for her everywhere. I asked all her friends that I knew about but nobody gave me anything concrete. I was clearly alone. I had no idea how to live this life. I didn`t have a desire to live anymore. I felt hopeless and useless. My friends didn`t understand my feelings so I stopped connecting with them.
My life was miserable because the woman I loved left me. In fact, that`s how love works. I felt like it was my fate to be miserable. Because if I was unhappy then I would prove how much I loved her. And if I could prove that, we would end up together again. Sounds funny right? But it was true, don`t be surprised, buddies. That`s exactly what I felt and I went crazy. Love was suffering together. I didn`t want to suffer alone-without her.
I threw everything that I found in my room. I saw a rope and I took a long pause. I looked for a stand and immediately tied the rope there. I wrote a letter to her before I hung myself and it was:
"I love you, Nandita. I always will. If there is a life cycle or reincarnation thing, I want to be born as a cat, the black cat that you always carry with you everywhere. I am too vulnerable to continue my life without you. For me, a life without you is equal to death.
Shahid"
And I ceased to exist. Gradually, the room was full of silence and darkness. I was in peace.
(To be continued)