There is lot of time I'm thinking whether what I am doing is right or what I'm doing is making my life complicated I wish there was a guide to let us know what is right or what is wrong but there isn't.
It is like we are supposed to or meant to get hurt and maybe pretend like nothing happened it's very difficult to you think what comes next or what should I assume might come next it's so confusing it's so dramatic sometime I feel pathetic I feel isolated I feel numb I feel this is my body which I can't move or get any better my life is full of ups and downs may be everyone's life are but quite a time I make myself think that everyone is really happy their life and I am stuck nowhere between happiness you can say or assume me as I am confused or I'm just fed up. When someone says I don't like you I don't want to be with you this relationship is a mistake and that person keeps on repeating this for like 1000 times and the last think I can think of is why the hell am I doing this.
Like he is I mean if the person is not happy or whatever that person is doing out of situation or out of because of the situation because he is liking to do whatever he's doing or the person is doing I don't know I feel irritated quite a times I don't know why he thinks that I know all the answers to all the questions he might asked to me.. to be honest I'm confused I'm confused about me I'm confused about my life I'm confused about everything happening around me I just wanna do something I am capable of I mean everyone has a purpose right? Purpose in this world to do something I mean I am good at few things like talking for giving lectures to things I know I like to teach kids though it was never my hobby but I like it I enjoy Little moments with those kids and every little moments of whoever kids I taught. I feel happiness around those pretty smiles and innocence those eyes staring wild to know better and to know more.
I feel like I can be a motivational speaker one day I mean I didn't plan that but I do love talking about things I know about to learn different words different vocabulary to learn difficult words I love the idea of learning and it never stops I love the idea of research why because until you finish one research you can jump onto the next to continue the journey of research again it never stops you know like there are few things in life that doesn't have to stop example LOVE when we are committed with someone we are committed completely we never stop loving them for who they are or how harm or bad they have hurted us we climb mountains for them whatever hills come next we are here to battle it we make sure nobody can harm them even if they do we stand with them. Just you say if you fall I fall. Then still the question is why do it hurts so much for everything we do still not enough and it hurts so much..
The next is TRUST if there is no tiny bit of trust in the relationship then the relationships is of waste, waste of all the efforts making towards the person, waste of commitment, because one sided trust is not good enough to be called in for a successful relationship. Trust is like if you close your eyes and say a person's name that who you trust and you have that complete faith on him or her but as the same thing if the person who are you called off doesn't reply and doesn't trust you the same way as you did what are you supposed to react as? I meant to say is that I can literally jump off the Cliff and I know my partner is going to catch me before I fall but my partner doesn't thinks that way I mean he does say that he trust me but with his actions it doesn't feel like the way, his questions come upon the air it doesn't give hint when there will be a fight it just appears from somewhere
The next come is the most important or the second most important UNDERSTANDING YOU CAN SAY UNDERSTANDING IS THE KEY FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP it takes a lot of time to make understand what you mean or what you meant to the person you love. Quite times in my life I felt that my partner doesn't understand me whatever I am saying he understands the opposite of it. Understanding is very close thin line like trust it's like if there is no trust then the relationship is waste the same goes for understanding too it's like I want a cupcake but he brings me a burger what point he doesn't understand. I mean there's a lot of things that I want to talk about understanding like if I say him I need a quiet place to write about my feelings or emotions and he doesn't really care either he plays loud music or he plays games without his headphones on and I'm like Dude you can just wear your headphones and do whatever you like but to be honest right now I'm not in the current mood.
It's like he says he supports me in thing I want or likes but his actions shows otherwise.
And again where was I Darkness.
I knew darkness since the day I was born since the day I knew how to talk and how to walk since I experience how to try out of pain shattered around me my heart was pounding because I'm scared I used to see this darkness everyday in my life everytime the sounds of shutting the door, banging on the wall would give me scares of what might happen next my hands were so sweaty because of hearing those arguments, glass breaking becoming into pieces slap slap slap seeing all the tornado in one's life it's too much to handle a little word call it will be OK was not enough emptiness was felt everywhere my hands would search a place where there is peace or no harm; my life was with darkness every time and all time. At sudden I find myself crying in my room in this voice, strange voice crying in the darkness somewhere. Me standing next to me. Having this strange vision of this other me. My heart raptures the moment of living with no pain in the future. Thinking that how different it would be if there would be no me maybe things would be different maybe things would have worked in a different way. Maybe nobody would have any pain. Maybe I am a curse. To cause more pain.
Nobody thought that was a kid back then I couldn't handle these all stress I couldn't handle my parents fighting I couldn't handle my parents about to kill each other every next day I couldn't handle pain shutting from one door to another. I couldn't handle them crying because of the pain they got from each other's partner I used to see them as monsters. Monsters who are like greedy for blood or for war sound like to be horror movie but those moments those scary memories are still so real in my head I know it has been years about those memories but I still know my mum and me sometimes still feel the tornado pain.
Being frightened like in the moment things to be destroyed things that are not supposed to be mend fight fight fight pain suffering struggle hits isolate depress anxiety phobia scared of everything or anything it is there since I was child and nobody.. nobody can change that.
{ And the person who struggled all of these pain is the real hero is the real women who I am inspire by. My Mum. }
People say I'm like my mum but to be honest I don't feel that way I feel I like I'm more like a loser I don't expect anything from myself. Maybe it's because I have never got anything for myself I got treatment from my own who doesn't support me at all who thinks I am pathetic, born loser or freak, M.A.D maybe that's the ONLY word I can't tolerate. I get upset when anyone calls me M.A.D I get annoyed I get angry like super angry. I MEAN IT'S SAID LIKE I DIDN'T CHOOSE MY LIFE TO BE MAD. (Or be mental) ALLAH HAS SENT ME THIS WAY I CAN'T CHANGE IT. EVEN IF I PROVE THAT I AM NOT MAD I AM NORMAL STILL PEOPLE JUST POINT ME BACK AT THAT POINT WHERE I WAS. (or they made me.)
My life has taught me that there is a competition or war between everything or anything.
Light and Darkness; There's a quote: light thinks it travels faster than darkness but it's wrong because darkness is everywhere until the lights reaches the part darkness waiting for it.
But for me there was NO light in my life. Everywhere I go was dark. As I cry in the dark with my pillows hugging by, those tears filled with sorrows, those pain that you will never know, frozen in time a fire burning love and desire being gone. There is a pool of darkness I'm swimming by, and I feel like it's shutting me out hurting me pulling me down I Yell for help but nobody can hear nobody really knows About a dark corner room back in my heart nobody really knows the reason why.. nobody really knows the reason it speaks to me..every night.. nobody has a solution either; life is very complicated we all are wishing and hoping; to end things, to lead a happy life or to mend the broken ones.
MAYBE one day my dreams will come true I won't be here so down so blue.
MAYBE one day will come when I am or when I don't have to be here so broken so shattered.
MAYBE one day I would rather glow in happiness and light so there would be no darkness and it would warm my world.
MAYBE one day I would rather curse the darkness to go away and never returned.
It's because Dark and fear to uncontrollable things That I really don't want in my life.
Swimming in darkness alone feeling the darkness pulling me down pretending things to be fine darkness ate Me alive slowly piece by piece day by day but deep down crying for help yelling for help.. but nobody can hear I see the level rising Me suffocating pretending things to be fine.
Anyone asking me - Hi How are you?
How's your life?
Me: I'm Fine. Everything is fine.
...