Walking down the street on a dreary Monday morning, Samantha Lee was on her way to her job as a receptionist at a large law firm operating out of New York's Wall Street area. Fearing she would be late, Samantha dashed into an empty alleyway, hoping the shortcut would help her arrive just in time - and avoid getting fired for tardiness.

As she walked through the alley, an uneasy feeling crept over her. She couldn't shake the sense that someone was watching her. Panic began to rise, and her mind screamed that she was in danger. Even worse, she was wearing high heels - completely ill-suited for running - yet she picked up her pace regardless.

Pain shot through her feet as she kept moving, only to be stopped by a shaggy-haired man in ragged clothes wielding a knife.

"Give me your fucking wallet, lady," he growled.

Frantic, Samantha reached into her purse to hand over her wallet to the clearly drug-addicted mugger - when a strange sound echoed through the alleyway.

From above, a figure appeared.

"Have no fear, m'lady! The Gooner is here to goon on this goon!" he declared, standing triumphantly on the edge of the roof.

The bizarre hero wore a fedora and a white spandex suit, with the emblem of a sperm cell etched across his chest. He was visibly chubby, and though his face was mostly covered by a mask, signs of bad acne peeked through. His patchy facial hair and greasy mouth hinted at poor hygiene. The suit itself was stained and emitted a faint stench of body odor.

Both Samantha and the mugger stared in stunned disbelief.

Then, with a rapid, jerking motion of his left hand - resembling The Flash performing an obscene act - a gross sludge of white substance sprayed from the Gooner's body, striking the mugger and plastering him to the wall. The substance hardened quickly, resembling a crusty web.

The mugger blinked in confusion. "What the fuck? is this cum?" he muttered in horror, examining what now bound him to the wall.

"That's it. This is officially my lowest point. I'm done robbing people for drug money," he sighed. "I can't believe I got myself humiliated like this? just for a hit of crack."

"That's what you get, criminal scum, for robbing m'ladies such as this fine dame!" the Gooner proclaimed. He swung from the roof ledge with a strand of his goo, dangling like a spider in front of Samantha.

Samantha stared in horror at the smelly, cringe-inducing figure now hovering before her.

"Perhaps m'lady could reward me with a kiss for saving her from this foul thug?" the Gooner said, closing his eyes and puckering his lips.

Without hesitation, Samantha rummaged through her purse, pulled out her pepper spray, and unleashed a stream of capsicum liquid into the Gooner's eyes. He yelped and dropped to the ground, clutching his face as she fled the scene in terror.

Through burning tears, the Gooner cried out, "Friendzoned again! Even after I saved her life from this vagrant fuck!"

The mugger, still glued to the wall, shook his head. "Dude, you're just gross. Get over yourself," he said, realizing that maybe his life choices weren't quite as rock-bottom as the Gooner's.