She dropped her face in her hands and willed the tears to come. Her eyes remained dry, and she wondered if this were the end of the road for her. She was so unhappy, so overwhelmed, that she felt sick all the time. Her weight had sky rocketed. Her head had been pounding for a week and a half, and so far no drug had made the slightest different. She felt out of control, in a sinking ship where her entire world was just playing around her and she had no part in it. She didn’t know how to stop feeling the way she was. She desperately wanted to enjoy life. But she had been finding it very hard to enjoy anything lately.
It felt as though her children were enemies, and she hated herself deeply for feeling that way. They were so demanding and they always seemed to be screaming or fighting. She felt part of the furniture. She wished she had never got herself into this mess. Which made her hate herself more, because she had 2 beautiful babies, a husband and a house, everything she’d strived for. It was supposed to be perfect. She wished she didn’t contemplate how she could leave. She wished she didn’t want to. But she desperately needed to get away, to be her own person, to be in silence for a little while so she could hear herself think. To find herself, and discover who she was. It was more than just needing a little TLC. She felt like she couldn’t be fixed, and she just felt herself sinking deeper.
She didn’t know what to do to fix herself.
She wished she could talk to somebody without worrying about what they must think of her. That they may think that her husband deserved better. She wished she didn’t feel so lost.
She didn’t think she could handle another baby. She knew that she couldn’t handle teenagers. She wished there was a pause button so that she could catch up. She didn’t want to have this life any more. But she was in too deep. What could the answer be.
She hated herself.
