I have heard people say God has his favorites but I never believed it. He
is the God of all after all. How can a father choose from his children?
That was before I experienced it myself. The doctor looks at me with
such pity. He has been my doctor since my diagnosis and I have grown
to respect and love him.
"I'm sorry ma'am but she only has a year to live", the doctor, Manqoba
Sibeko says.
My mother wails crying. I want to cry too but I just don't have the
strength. I was 5 years old when I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid
Leukemia. I've been in and out of the hospital that it has become my
second home. But, I have never been fine. Every medication seems to
not be working and I guess this is it. This is the end. Maybe this is better
after all 16 years spent is better than 2 years lived in this pain and
agony I've been living in.
"How are you feeling?", she asks after the doctor has left.
"I don't know", I say and I'm not lying.
I feel numb. I feel sorry for my mother. She has wasted so much money
trying to help me heal but I got worse and worse. One of the things I
always wanted to do was to build her a home she can be proud of. Not
the 4-roomed house she calls a home. She could've used her money on
that but she chose to waste it on me.
"Don't cry baby. Everything will be fine", she says. I didn't even realize I
was crying.
"I still wanted to live. I had hope that the medication would work. I had
hope that I will help you out. I had dreams, mom", I say as I let the tears
out.
She hugs me and I wail even louder. Feeling the pains. I have always
wanted to be a designer. I dreamt of one day opening for the New York
Fashion Week.
"Baby don't cry everything will be fine. Don't cry", she says.
I know for a fact she doesn't believe whatever she just uttered. This
woman only has me in her life. She lives for me. What is she going to do
after I'm gone? Her family disowned her. The man she eloped with left
her while she was 9 months pregnant with me. God didn't she suffer
enough? Why are you doing this? She's always praying and lives by your
rules. Why?
"Look at me baby", she says holding my face with her hands.
Her eyes so red you'll think she's on drugs.
"Let's pretend as if we didn't hear what the doctor just said, you hear
me. We are going live life to the fullest. We are going to be happy
together. It's us against the world", she says faking a smile sniffing away
the tears. I hope one day she will smile a real smile.
"It's us against the world. I love you mom", I say. Since I know I have
only months left before I join my ancestors I will appreciate her every
day. She deserves it.
"Okay. What do you want to do? Do you want us to jot that a wish
list?", she asks.
"Yes, I do know what I want to do. I want to be happy. That is my final
wish".
#1
A WEEK LATER
I'm finally discharged. I'm at home taking a bath. The doctors just said
"go and die at home". I have a lot I want to do but so little time. I have
already wasted a week in the hospital. I have 51 weeks left to live and I
am starting today. The past years I've been in survival mode but from
today until the day I take my last breath I will live.
"Are you ready for your wish list young lady?", my mother says walking
in just as I finished bathing. The lady has no respect to privacy. I'm not
even dressed yet.
"Mom! I'm naked", I say and she rolls her eyes.
"Nothing I haven't seen before", she says as she takes a seat on my bed.
"Finish up. We don't have all day", she says looking excited.
I think she's trying to hide the pain. The pain of losing her only child so
soon. I finished dressing up and discarded my water. After that I sat
with my mother on the bed.
"You look beautiful baby", she says hugging me and kissing the side of
my head.
"Thank you mom. I love you", I say.
"Okay let's start. 1. Partying", she jots that down and I stare at her. Are
not parents supposed to warn us against that?
"Don't look at me like that. You've never been to a club. We're going to
the club every Saturday", she says.
Perks of having a young parent. She had me when she was 16 years old.
Yeah she was that rebellious.
"Okay mother", I agree with her. I'm agreeing because I know seeing
me happy will make her happy. I don't really like clubs. Not my kind of
scene.
"Number 2, since we have no school. Don't you want to leave me some
legacy? You have always wanted to have your own fashion house.
Should we do that?", she asks.
It breaks my heart knowing that I had to cut my dreams short. I have
many designs I wanted to share with the world.
"We can. But how mother?", I ask.
I really do want to leave something for her. Something she can
remember me with.
"Your mother has money, dear daughter", she says.
"Okay dear mother. Let's do it", I say and she claps her hands excitedly
like a kid. I laugh.
"Okay let's continue", she says.
"Number 3, let me see. Number 3, we are finding you a boyfriend or
not. We don't want attachment right? Oh I know. Let's get you a fuck
buddy", she says with so much enthusiasm that I am sure she is going
crazy.
"Mom! I'm your daughter remember", I feel like I have to remind her.
"Oh please. You know I've done way worse things when I was your age.
Do you want me to tell you?", she asks.
"No! Please No!", I exclaim. I'm still young I don't want to hear how my
mother gave head in the school toilets to get her assignments and
homework's done. I don't know how she passed her matric but she did.
"Okay okay. But I'm definitely getting you a fuck buddy. And no
arguments", she says. I just give up with her.
"Number 4. A trip to Paris. You've always wanted to go there", she says
and I agree. I've always been fascinated with Paris and the fashion
there. So I don't mind visiting there.
"And last but not least. Meeting your father", she says smiling.
"No!", I say standing up.
"But baby".
"No mom I don't want to meet that man", I say.
"Okay okay. I won't force you but he deserves to know you. You
deserve to know your father", she says and I beg to differ. He doesn't
deserve anything.
"I know enough", I say. The man is sponsoring us financially why hasn't
he come yet? Now I must meet him because I'm dying. No thank you.
"Should we continue with the list or are we done?", I ask totally
avoiding the topic about my father.
"That was the last one unless you want to add something", she says
looking sad. And I feel bad for hurting her feelings but I won't meet that
man even if it's the last thing I do.
"I want to add one", I say taking the notebook and pen from her.
"Number 6. I want to make friends", I say and she claps like a little kid.
My mother is crazy.
"Tomorrow we are starting with the wish list. But, what are we doing
today?", she asks.
"Nothing let's Netflix and chill", I say and she wants to object.
"No mom. I am tired. I just got home. Please let's order some pizza and
Netflix", I say.
"Okay fine", she says hugging me. "I love you mom", I say.
"I love you too", she replies kissing my cheeks.
#2
Two days later and we are preparing for the first activities. We couldn't
start with my wish list because I was attacked by one of my pains, body
paralysis. Where I fail to even wake up from the bed. It was sad for my
mother because she was really looking forward to starting the
activities. I now have 51 weeks and 5 days left to live. The countdown
has officially started. I woke up today feeling much better at least the
pills are still working. I make my way to the kitchen. My mother is
behind the counter smearing some bread spread on the bread. I wish I
could help her but that's not my department.
"Morning mother", I said as I kissed her cheek, hugging her from
behind.
"Morning daughter", she says turning to me.
"You are still not ready yet?", she asks amazed. "I just woke up", I
defend.
"Whatever. Sit down and eat", she says and I obey.
"So today we are meeting with a potential sponsor. But I feel like you
have to draw even more designs. So that they can maybe last 5 to 10
years", she says and I beg to differ.
It's been a bit harder to draw now. On my good days I do draw one or
two if not three designs. But on my bad days I can't draw a single thing.
My hand becomes shaky and tingly. Maybe it's because my days are
limited. I used to draw every day because I was mostly cooped up in the
hospital so I have about 250 to 300 drawings.
"I believe the ones we have are enough mother", I say sulking as I bite
on my bread.
I have been forced to maintain a healthy diet because my immune
system needed it. The healthy diet was supposed to prolong my days. I
guess it didn't work out.
"What are you thinking about?", she says disturbing my thoughts.
"Who is this sponsor?", I ask.
The connections my mother has are tremendous. You would actually
think we are from the rich society. She must have been really busy in
her days.
"Just a friend of mine. She once stole my boyfriend so she owes me
one", she says and I can tell that she is definitely lying but I'll just let it
go.
"Whatever. I'm done let me go bath", I say as I stand up.
I honestly just ate the bitter bread. The appetizing eggs were just too
much for me. Not to mention that avocado. I bath after bathing I feel
tired like I should just sleep but I know how much my mother has been
planning for this day. For me to finally go out and meet people, make
friends. I just don't want to disappoint her. I will just drink my pills and I
will be fine.
I discard my water with such difficulty. My hands are painful and shaky.
My legs feel heavy but I soldier on. After all I'm Tebogo Skhosana's
daughter. I drink my pills and my mother calls out for me.
"I'm done", I say as I appear in the kitchen. She stares at me tears
forming in her eyes. Oh the drama.
"Mom! Stop it!", I say as she wipes her tears.
"I am happy that you are finally going out. I am not happy about the
reason but I'm happy you are finally living like a teenager", she says
causing my eyes to water.
"I love you mother", I say as I hug her.
"I love you too baby", she says.
"Now let's stop the unnecessary tears. Let's go" she says as she takes
her car keys and we leave.
She owns a 4x4 car that she bought second hand because we couldn't
take taxis every time we went to the hospital. My mother is a primary
school teacher. She was strong enough to fight against the obstacles
and got her degree.
My father leaving her was basically the motivation she needed to make
it in life and she did. She hasn't celebrated herself because she has
been taking care of me but I think it's time I celebrate her.
We got to MacDonald's found this white lady that looks familiar but my
brain is just too tired to make out the time I saw her. Sitting in the car
was really tiring my eyesight is troubling me now and my legs are tingly
but I won't ruin this day for my mother.
"Friend!", my mother says as we sit down and the lady rolls her eyes.
The lady looks forced to be here. I swear my mother is gangster.
"Why am I here, Tebogo?", the lady says.
I wonder what kind of friendship is this.
"This is my daughter, Bontle and she is a designer. I know you are all
about helping woman with starting their businesses so I was hoping you
would help my daughter", she says with the widest smile.
I don't know but I think she was being sarcastic.
"I have to talk to Qhawe", the lady says. Much to my mother's
displeasure.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. I have been so nice and I feel like now
you are shitting me. You will help my daughter or 'Qhawe' will
definitely find out about our little secret", she says.
The lady is now scared. I am scared too. Who is this woman? And what
has she done to my mother?
"Okay fine. I will help you out but this is the last time Tebogo. I am tired
of you", the lady says and stands up to leave.
"I hope you won't turn out to be like your mother", she says before
leaving. I am amazed. I didn't know my mother had it in her. "Let's
order baby", she says as she calls the waiter.
I am still shocked. Even the pains are not as bad.
