December 31, 2023
Where the FUCK did that come from? How did I not see this coming? Weren't there signs? Who the fuck does this guy think he is, God? He promised me…for better or for worse, he promised me. He's done with us? Just like that, he's done. Well, Happy Fucking New Year to me! What kind of asshole tells his wife he wants a divorce on New Years Eve? “I want to try this new year, new me thing.” What the FUCK!?
You know what's really weird? I kept seeing these ads on Facebook for “Why waiting till the new year for a divorce is better for the kids,” kept seeing ads for divorce lawyers. I just kept thinking, “Hmmm…that’s weird.” They say (who are “they" anyways?) that our phones and other electronic devices are always listening to us. Did my phone seriously know about my divorce before I did? How fucked up is that?
Holy shit! How can I fix this? I need him. He's my everything. How is it that he gets to decide what happens to us? Don't I get a say in the matter? I've given my everything to us…my finances, my heart, my soul, my body and my energy. God! I gave all my energy to this marriage.
I called him before he got home from work, asked if we could sit down, watch a movie together and talk about things. “No.” What!? That's it!? Just, “No?” So, I waited for him to come home. “Can we talk about this?” I asked. He continues…. “There's nothing to talk about. I'm done. Nothing is going to fix this.” “Let's try therapy,” I say. “No, therapy will be a waste of time and money. There's no fixing this. Why do you want to fix this? You hate us, you hate this house, you hate this state. You'd be better off moving back to Florida.”
In the moment, I allowed him to tell me how I feel. Why did I allow him to dictate who I am, how I feel, and what I should and shouldn’t do? Then it hits me…it's because I don’t know who I truly am. If I don’t know myself, then how can anyone else know me? So…WHO THE FUCK AM I? This motherfucker is about to find out.
January 1, 2024
New year, new me! What asshole came up with that shit!? Why do we wait until the New Year to decide to do something to better ourselves? I'm not one to make new year's resolutions…never saw the point. No one ever sticks to it anyways. However, this year is different. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now, I started my exercise journey 7 months ago and decided to learn martial arts again. Not only do I get to learn martial arts but I also get to bond with my children (and what's more important in life than our children?) Is that who I am? Am I the proverbial “mama bear?” Of course I am!
I'm a mama bear. I love my family. This is why, even through all the shit my husband put me through, I still want to save this marriage. Where do I begin? How do I save something that takes two people, when only one wants to save it? He thinks I don't love him, thinks I don't love the children, the house, nothing. How do I show him that he's wrong? I know…I need to make a connection with him again. How? How do I do this? What is love? Is it a feeling? Love is supposed to be forever but feelings are fleeting. So, how is it love is just a feeling? It's not…it can't be. It has to be more than that.
We all crave connection, intimacy right? That feeling of being wanted, being needed, being loved. It's an addiction. Feeds our ego, gives us a high, and when it's gone? Well, that's when we crave it. And my connection to my husband? Our intimacy? It's gone. It has been gone for a long time. When did I lose it? Ahhh…yes…I remember. About six months after I started therapy, remember? It was when I started doing things for me again, and one of those things, was putting my nose ring back in. I changed myself when we started dating. Why? Because I craved that connection, that intimacy. So, I did what I had to in order to keep it going.
One day, I saw that all my jewelry was missing. Not just the nose rings I bought but the earrings too. Earrings? Really? WTF!? Then I realized I had more nose rings that I stashed in my car. So…I put a new nose ring back in. He was leaving for work, came around to say goodbye and then saw it. Then, Mr. Hyde came to play. Started grabbing my things, going through my purse and throwing everything on the ground and when the purse was empty and broken? He moved on to my car. Started throwing everything in the car away and when I tried to stop him? He shoved me into the fridge in the garage and put his hand on my throat. I still feel the cold metal on my back through my shirt. He held it for a second, anger and hate in his eyes, and then let go. His shenanigans continued as he walked back into the house, he pushed me, grabbed my arm and pulled me. And when he decided he was done? He took my wallet and keys with him to work. What did I do? I was shocked, stunned…couldn't believe what just happened and over a fucking nose ring? That's it…that's when it happened. That's when I lost my connection with my husband.
January 10, 2024
Why did he lose connection with me? Was it because he couldn't dictate what I could and couldn't do anymore? Was it because I called the cops on him when he attacked me over a nose ring? I don't know…does it matter how? I just need that connection back. That connection, that intimacy…that's what I need to get my husband back. Sex…that's how. Isn't that how a husband feels more connected to his wife? It's gotta be…let's do this.
Sex…where to begin. The little bit of sex we had was lifeless, void of all meaning, void of all connection and definitely void of all intimacy. It's no wonder it felt like a chore. So, how do I fix this? How do I bring life back into the act of creating life? Tell him my secret fantasies? NO! I can't do that! Can I? What will he think of me? Could this be the answer? Do I have any other options? He already said couples therapy is off the table. What do I have to lose? Oh man…I was not expecting the response I got.
So, I got the courage to tell him what I really wanted…and what was it that I really craved in the bedroom? Rape. How fucked up is that? A woman who had actually been raped in the past, now desires it in her love life? Talk about some fucked up shit. Well, I told him and his response was something I never would have thought of him saying. He says, “Well, I’m not really the aggressive type.” (No…this is not the shocking part, although previous instances would suggest he is, in fact, the aggressive type). He then continues on to say what his desires were (this was the shocking part!). He says, “While we are talking about things we want to do, I want you to piss on me.” WHAT!? Where the fuck did this come from? Who the fuck was this guy? So…what did I do? I pissed on him while we were fucking. I never thought in a million years I would do something like that but here we are…
I have never, in our entire 12 year relationship, ever seen this man be so fucking happy. I mean…never! It was like he was at a fucking water park. Like, throwing it up in the air, splashing it all over me and the bed. Then, when it was all said and done…he just leaves…like what the fuck, dude. I'm trying to save our marriage and he has to, “go to the gym.”
January 11, 2024
“I'm going to the gym.” Man, I don’t know how many times I've heard him say this over the last year and a half. The funny part? His body hasn't changed one bit. How do you go to the gym for over a year and your body never change? After just a couple months of me going to the gym I saw significant improvements with my body. Muscle gains and fat loss, this is what should happen to your body when you “go to the gym.” So, why hadn't his body changed? Was he cheating? Is this why he is so adamant that we can't work things out? How can I compete with the attraction of a new relationship?
I had a panic attack last night after everything that happened. He just up and left after our sexcapades. I called him….over and over again until he answered. I know you have your phone on you asshole, just fucking answer. So, I went to the gym, where he was supposed to be. His vehicle wasn't there. Where are you asshole?
After about 17 calls he finally answered. “What's wrong?” I'm having a panic attack, I say. So, he comes home and I'm still sitting in the car with our son, crying, frantic breathing. “What's wrong, what are you doing?” What's wrong? My own husband tells me he hates me and that I'm a terrible mother that's what's wrong. “So…who cares.” Who cares? I care! You're my husband and I love you! “Well, I don't love you.” You vowed to be with me. Do those vows mean nothing to you? “Not anymore.”
Not anymore!? This was not the man I married. This was not the man I met 12 years ago. Your vows don't mean anything to you anymore? You hate me? You want a divorce? You got it. So, I told him…Fine, I'll take the kids and move back in with my mom in Florida. “I've got a lawyer. I've sent them so much evidence that you're a terrible mother. I'm going to get full custody of the kids and this house is mine. You don't deserve anything.”
There are no words to describe my feelings in that moment…but, oh boy, he had no clue what he just unleashed in that moment. “Mama Bear" doesn't even come close to describe who I became. I'm not just going to attack to scare you away…I am going to hunt you down, torture you, put you in a place where no one will find you and you will never be able to crawl your way out. I will be the feature presentation in all your nightmares.
January 16, 2024
OMG…he keeps saying he has a lawyer and is going to file for divorce. But I found out today that it was all lies. I texted him asking when he was going to file. He says, “I’m at the courthouse right now filling out the paperwork.” What do you mean that you're filling out paperwork? Why didn't your lawyer submit the paperwork? “I don't have a lawyer. I was just hoping you'd sign the papers and leave.” What!? If you are putting down full custody of our son I will not sign. I'm not going anywhere without my son. “But you'll go without your daughter?”
This dumbass really thinks that I'm just going to let him have everything that I worked so hard for these last 12 years. “His house!?” I paid for EVERYTHING in that house…from the entire down payment to the screws that are holding things together. HIS KIDS!? First of all, my daughter is not even biologically yours asshole. Second of all, who takes care of everything for them. I take them to the dentist, to the doctor, I pay for and take them to all their extracurricular activities, I pay for the roof over their head. Oh, but, my bad, you bought them an IPad for Christmas. I forgot that kids need an IPad over heat in the dead of winter. What was I thinking, getting the furnace repaired instead of buying them Christmas gifts. Gosh, you’re right, I'm a terrible mother for wanting to keep the house warm for them.
Little does this asshole know, I DO have a lawyer, and this dumbass is getting served tomorrow. It's going to be fucking hilarious. He has no idea what the fuck he has gotten himself into. I wish I could see his reaction when he gets served.
January 17, 2024
Wait…what the fuck!? He fucking did WHAT!? I received a call from a medical professional today. They said they needed to talk to me about what my husband had been doing to my daughter. My heart fucking sank. Not only was this asshole fucking with me but he was abusing my daughter then claiming that I was the terrible parent? What!? What was he doing to my daughter. “Your husband has been telling your daughter all kinds of nasty things about you.” He's doing WHAT!? What kind of sicko gets a teenager involved in the nastiness of divorce? What kind of fucking sick game does this guy think he's playing?
“He's telling your daughter that you are a liar and a cheater, that you don't love them and do nothing for your family.” THAT's FUCKING IT! This fucking asshole! I had to make a major decision in that moment. My daughter needs to get the fuck out of this house and away from this monster, this psychopath, this narcissist. I have to save my daughter. In order to this, though, I have to let her go. I have to, not only get her away from him, but get her away from me. I am the brunt of his anger, his hatred, his revenge. She has to leave and I have to send her away. 1800 miles away with her bio dad, whom she has never met, never seen and never talked to. I won't be able to see her. She's who I live for but I can't protect her here. So, I called my mom and her bio dad, told them everything. “I need help" “She needs you.” In three days’ time she will be gone, moved away, but I have to keep fighting, for her, for me, for my son.
January 20, 2024
I did it…I put my daughter on a plane, sent her away. For an undetermined amount of time, I will not see her. This was the toughest decision I've ever made in my entire life. How long will this last? Is this the best thing for her? Is keeping her away from me what's going to save her? I don't know…but what I do know, is my husband is toxic and right now the only people I have in my life are him and his family.
I couldn't see it at the time. I didn’t see how his actions slowly isolated me from everyone and anyone around who wasn't him or his family. How? My God! How did I let this happen? I think back to all the times I tried to go out with friends or do something on my own and I remember. I remember getting yelled at. “Stop lying! You're a liar and a whore!” It was easier to just stay home, never go out, never put myself in a situation where I could be called a liar or a whore. Fuck! Why did I let this happen!? How did I let it get this far!? Now, here I am, alone. And the one person in the entire world who is supposed to be my best friend and biggest supporter is now my worst enemy.
January 27, 2024
Wait a second…think about this. This is the first time in 12 years that you are a free woman. Completely and utterly free. I can do whatever (and more importantly, whomever!) I want. I'm in my 30s and I have no clue who I am, what I want or what I like. Now is the time to explore who I am…and, this girl?, well, this girl has some needs. How do I explore? How do I meet new people? How do I learn what I want? Well…there are ways to explore yourself and I'm ready to really explore myself (If you know what I mean, LOL!).
It's 2024. How do people meet people these days? Ahhh, that's right…the internet. Oh man, things are going to get weird. I've never been on dating apps. So, today, I gave it a try. Today, I met a total stranger. Get this…told him my fantasy! Remember? That fucked up rape fantasy? Yeah…let's just say dudes are full of shit! I had an encounter with this young man. Texting this dude was so exciting. Telling him my fantasy. Telling him that I want him to grab me, push me face first into the wall, keep me pushed against the wall while he rips my pants down and forces himself inside me as I resist and telling me to take it like a good little whore. Yes! This is what I wanted. I wanted to be completely dominated, completely taken advantage of in the bedroom.
He was totally into it. Said, “Oh yeah, I totally love to dominate. I'm gonna make you take my cock.” I was so psyched! After years of being sexually repressed and afraid of asking for what I really wanted, I was going to get it. I was going to get it, whether I wanted or not (and, oh man, did I want it). So, I met up with him at his place. My heart racing, palms sweating, nervous, anxious but excited for what was about to happen. Then, it began. Oh boy, it began and it was nothing like what I wanted. It was nothing like what he described he was going to do to me. Maybe I built it up so much in my head and that's why the disappointment was so intense?
No…that's not it. Well, maybe, that was part of it. I had a very particular fantasy scenario played out in my head that I had described to him. He told me he could satisfy me. In the end? It was one of the worst sexual encounters I had ever been in. No…wait…It was THE WORST sexual encounter I had ever been in. Not only could this guy not do what he said he was going to do, but he kept apologizing for shit. Really!? Apologizing? This is not what a dominant person would do (Well, at least I don’t think this what a dominant person would do). I mean this whole BDSM thing was all so new to me.
“I'm so sorry, that wasn't good. I’m sorry.” Ummm…yeah…I gotta go dude. Then, the texts started. “I'm so sorry" “It's been a while.” I was like, “Dude, there's nothing worse than a man who lacks confidence himself.” “What are you talking about? I am confident! Just come back and I’ll show you!” HA! WHAT! No thanks man and you can lose my number while you're at it!
February 4, 2024
So…I learned today that my narcissistic, future ex husband, bought my daughter a secret second cell phone and told her to sneak it on the plane and make sure no one finds out about it. Ok, first of all, what kind of grown ass, adult man tells a teenage girl to keep secrets from her mother? I know what kind…a sicko, a chomo, a man who wants to manipulate the feelings of a child in order to gain their trust to take advantage of them. And, boy, was this man a sicko…
It was at this point, I remembered something from a couple years ago. This fucker had a secret camera hidden in our guest bathroom! Not only did everyone who lived in the home use that bathroom, but everyone who visited our home used that bathroom, to include: my sister, my mother, my grandmother, my aunt, and worst of all…my sister's four underage children. And I had proof he did it.
So, I called the cops. Told them everything and in the end, you know what they told me? “Your husband had reason to suspect that you were doing drugs in the bathroom and he put the camera in there for the safety of the kids in the home and we are not going to pursue this.” WHAT!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! This fucker puts a fucking SECRET camera in the bathroom that underage children use and the cops are okay with this! Not only is this invasion of privacy but the odds that this sicko has child porn on his secret bathroom camera is quite high and you're telling me that he was within his rights to do it? “Do you have proof that he has child porn on it?” No, I don't. “Then there's nothing we can do.” Holy fucking shit! What the fuck just happened?
February 10, 2024
Sooo…I met up with another guy from this online dating thing. He's a young buck, mid-twenties. Seems like a pretty cool fella. We've met up a couple of times. Took our dogs to the dog park, went on a hike, oh, and we’ve had quite the experience with each other. Now, while this guy has not been into feeding my rape fantasy quite yet, he has been quite satisfying. Tongue, fingers, dick…it's all been very satisfying. At first, it was super weird being with someone who wasn't my husband. Even during the times we got together where there were no sexual encounters, he is a fun dude to be around. But he is recently single…why? Why was this chill, down to earth dude suddenly single? In the back of my mind, I knew there was a reason. He's so nice!? Why is he so nice? What is his motive here? It was today, in this moment, when I realized how emotionally fucked up I am. I don't even know this dude. I'm not even giving this dude the benefit of the doubt before I go and condemn him. This guy hasn't done anything to me and I am already his judge, jury and executioner. Will I ever get over this? Will I ever get over the hurt, the pain, the emotional trauma that I've been through with my husband?
Well, they say (here's this “they" again) that the first step to getting help with a problem is admitting to having one. So, I have a problem…I have severe trust issues. I can't provide any kind of intimacy with a partner. I can't look them in the eye. I don't even want them kissing me when we’re fucking. He has tried. I push his head away from my lips and guide them towards my neck. I tell him I want it from behind because I don’t want to see his face, let alone, look into his eyes during the act. I used to like kissing, I used to want to see whom I was with, my husband, my lover, my life. His betrayal has ruined me, ruined the part of me that could form an emotional bond with another person. Well…shit
February 29, 2024
Today, I learned about some fucked up shit. Apparently, in this state, they allow stepparents to file for custody of their stepchildren. So, here I am…learning that the pervert, who has been manipulating my daughter, telling her lies about me, telling her to keep secrets from me is allowed to file for custody of her. How can I fix this? How can I fight this? It's the law…how can I fight what is legally allowed? Then, one of the darkest thoughts I have ever had surfaced. He can't have her if he's dead, right?
Murder…can I do it? How far am I willing to go to save my children? I'll end up in jail for the rest of my life. I might end up on death row. Is this going to protect my children? Is this what I need to do to ensure that they are well cared for? What if I do a murder suicide? If I can't have them…you can't either fucker. And if I end up in jail? I'll be smiling every fucking day dickhead. I will be there, knowing that you can no longer harm my children and it would be glorious. When should I do it? Should I do it now? Never give the courts a chance to give my children to this depraved sicko? Or should I wait…wait and see what the court of law says. Can I take a chance with the courts? When it comes to my children should I put my faith in the justice system? They've already let me down not once, but twice. My husband chokes me and gets away with it, then puts a secret camera in the bathroom and gets away with it. I can't trust the justice system. He's very charming. What happens if he charms his way into getting everything…the house, the kids, everything. I need to think about this.
I need to leave something behind. I need to tell my side of the story. How? I can record videos. Leave a video behind for each person I need to talk to in order to make sure that my children are safe when I'm gone. Who? Who all do I need to leave videos for? His parents, I know that sounds weird, but my son will probably end up with them. I'm ok with that, they will take good care of him. They will want some kind of closure and I can give that to them. My mom and my sister…they need to know why I did what I did. My daughter's bio dad, she will end up with him and his wife and that'll be good for her. I know they will take good care of her. This is it…this is what I have to do.
March 4, 2024
I found someone…someone who is truly dominant. Now I can really explore my sexual desires. The first encounter was intense but, in a weird way, it was comforting. He was very in tune with my needs. It was slow but every bit of what I was wanting. The relationship between a dominant and submissive is unique. There's a level of care that goes into this relationship that a lot of people don't understand.
As a submissive who likes to be degraded, called names, slapped, I still have emotional needs that my dominant needs to fulfill. After a session, I feel exhausted but seen and heard. My dominant knows this. He allows time after a session for my needs, my recovery. This time of recovery is just as important to the relationship as the session itself. This feeling, what is this feeling? I can't describe it. It's not love…I don't do love anymore. This is an overwhelming sense of calm. A level of peace that I have not felt in years. How did I not know about this side of me?
Growing up as a woman, we are told to hide our sexuality. We don't talk about sex cause people may get the wrong idea about us. Told we have to cover our bodies at all times in order to prevent men from looking at us like a sex toy. Why? Why do we have to suppress ourselves while the men get to do and talk about whatever they want without judgement? It's bullshit…that's what it is…complete, utter and total bullshit. it's because of this bullshit that it took me 20 years and a failed marriage to learn what gets me off. This is why sex was always so boring for me. I hated it…it was a chore. A duty I had to do for the guy I was dating. Not anymore. Now? I know better now. My sexuality will no longer be repressed. Of course, if I go through with this murder thing then I might have to learn to experiment with women…Could be interesting.
March 12, 2024
My doubts are slowly becoming less and less. What happened today was proof that I know what I need to do to protect my children. I can't let him have them. I won't let him have them. And the house? Well, he's not going to get that either. I'll make sure no one gets that house.
I was driving around and stopped at the store. There it was. His vehicle was sitting in the parking lot. I thought to myself…This is it. I'm going to do this. I've got to do this. He hasn't seen my new car. He’ll never see it coming. The house…what about the house. Could I make it to the house in time to burn it down to the ground before I get arrested?
I parked just far enough away from his vehicle so that he couldn't see me. I picked up my gun and sat in my lap. I waited…I was surprisingly calm for what I was about to do. There I was in the parking lot of a store waiting for my husband to come out to his car so that I could kill him and my heart was beating soft and steady. It was as if even my body knew that this was supposed to happen, that it needed to happen.
I checked my gun…good, it's loaded. Now, the next question…do I go too? Do I have the balls to shoot myself when I'm done with him? What about suicide by cop? Suicide by cop might be easier. I won't have to pull the trigger myself. I need to make one last video. I need for my daughter's last name to be changed. I don't want her name associated with a murderer. She will already be going through too much and the last thing she needs if for people to know that she's related to me, the murder/suicide bitch.
And then I see him. He's walking towards his car. This is it. My last chance to get this fucker. It's a beautiful day for a murder, don't you think?
