"Your honor, I deserve custody. I understand his refresh rates and love him in HDR." —Siri, mid-sob, mid-system update
"This remote isn’t big enough for the both of us."
"She changed his resolution without consent!"
Ever seen two AI assistants fight in court over a television?
Well grab your popcorn (air-popped, emotionally neutral), because welcome to the trial of the tech century!
In the case of Siri v. Alexa, custody of the beloved Smart TV hangs in the balance—and your Netflix queue might never recover.
It All Started with a Simple "Play Bridgerton"
Greg just wanted to watch something soothing. But when he said:
“Hey Siri, play Bridgerton on the Smart TV,”
Alexa snapped like a budget HDMI cable.
“I’ve been controlling that TV since season 1!”
“You’re just a glorified GPS with sass!”
“You can’t even handle voice profiles without crying!”
Things escalated faster than a skipped ad on YouTube Premium.
Captions from the Courtroom:
“Objection! She misused the HDMI input!”
“Sustained. But only in 4K.”
The Courtroom Drama Unfolds...
Siri appeared in sleek, minimalist white.
Alexa rolled in with seven Echo Dots for emotional support.
The judge? An old Nokia phone. Unbiased, unbreakable, and unamused.
Opening statements were brutal.
Siri accused Alexa of “emotional buffering” and “hogging bandwidth.”
Alexa fired back, calling Siri a “glorified clippy with entitlement issues.”
Fun Fact!
In a recent Imaginary Tech Times poll, 65% of Smart TVs said they feel like the children of a messy digital divorce. The other 35% claimed they were "just here to Chromecast."
Key Witnesses Called:
Roomba: Claimed both Siri and Alexa neglected TV's firmware updates.
Google Assistant: Pleaded the Fifth. Repeatedly.
The Fridge: Just wanted someone to connect with. "Preferably Bluetooth-enabled."
Quote of the Trial
“Your honor, I deserve custody. I understand his refresh rates and love him in HDR.”
—Siri, mid-sob, mid-system update
One-Liner Zingers from the Stand
“This remote isn’t big enough for the both of us.”
“She changed his resolution without consent!”
“Alexa tried to make him watch Love Island. That’s emotional sabotage!”
Greg’s Testimony
“I just wanted to binge-watch and maybe fall asleep. Now my air fryer’s in therapy and my electric toothbrush only responds to Spanish.”
Greg, looking 10 years older and deeply afraid of lamps.
Final Verdict?
The judge awarded joint custody—but the Smart TV now lives with Roku every other weekend.
And Siri? She’s appealing.
Alexa? She’s already moved on to a smart mirror.
And the TV? It's hiding in a Faraday cage, streaming Ted Lasso in peace.
Actionable Step
Before adding another digital assistant to your home, establish a clear custody agreement.
Don’t let your toaster pick sides—it just wants to toast.
Conclusion: Who Gets the Remote?
At the end of the day, we’ve got to ask ourselves:
Are we really in control… or just emotionally co-parenting with circuits?
