I pick myself up off the ground, I must have drifted off to sleep on the hammock and woken when I fell, landing on the ground. My head felt strange, I look around confused by my surroundings, I was in some kind of park or something. But strangely it was situated on top of a building, looking for a way down I move towards some stairs and stumble down them. They lead to a library that I don't recall coming too. Damn, I must have hit my head, I reach up towards it but there is no bump or pain. 'Weird,' I mumble to myself. I can barely feel myself make my way to the bathroom as I follow the signs.
Splashing cold water on my face, I somehow manage to get it all over the floor. Shaking my head, I walk back towards the main area of the library. I turn slowly taking in the view trying to remember what I was doing here, in a book shop or was it a library.
I don't read.
Or do I? I can't remember.
Seeing a cozy looking armchair I go over to it and sit down. Everyone is moving quietly but purposely around, no one seems to notice how lost I looked they're all caught up in their own business. My eyes stop when I noticed a little girl staring straight at me. I smiled at her, but she just grabbed her mother's hand and hides behind her. Leaning back on the head rest I close my eyes and try to rest my head.
Re-opening them everything is shadowed in darkness. The place is empty. I crush my eyelids back together and hold them there for a few moments. Slowly I let them part again waiting to see the light greet me. But still I'm surrounded by darkness. I rush towards the exit sign which is the only bit of light illuminating from the entire building. Surely the door will be locked at night. I'm right it is.
Pushing on the door is useless. I slide down the glass feeling hopeless. I feel myself start to panic but it won't do me any good, so I calm myself down. Surely, I can find another solution. Looking around I see a desk and a phone. Picking up the phone I put it too my ear, but who am I calling? Who can help me? I honestly can't recall a single person's number.
My head feels strange, I head for a large bean bag and flop down on it. My hand hits a book. I pick it up and glance at the cover, but it's hard to make it out in the darkness. Going back to the desk I hunt around for a torch. Jackpot I find one. Pressing the button, I let out a breath when it turns on. I swing the beam of light around aimlessly. It hits something that reflects back at me, I gravitate towards it.
But only disappointment greets me when I realise it's just the spine of a shiny book cover. I slide my finger along the smooth surface and find myself pulling it from its position on the shelf. Returning to the bean bag I open the book.
I'm emersed, hypnotised I can't get my eyes to move from the pages they seem to be turning themselves because I don't recall turning them. Then I close the book. Its finished and I hadn't moved, I wasn't even sure I remembered to breathe as the pages crept into my mind and buried themselves there.
I look up rubbing my eyes it's no longer dark; but the library is still empty. From outside I hear people. Moving towards the sound I see a crowd gathered in front of the building. They look sad and seem to be focused on a large sign. I walk along the window to try see what's on it but that angles working against me. Realising I will be able to get someone's attention and finally get out of this damn library I start to wave my arms, but no one notices me. So, I begin to bang on the glass. I can see people looking at me, why aren't they helping me. Freezing I notice everyone seems to be in a trance or crying, what is going on?
I press my ear to the glass, trying to hear what the two people standing at the front holding the sign are saying, but I can't make it out they just seem to be sobbing and struggling with whatever it is their trying to convey to the crowd. Maybe if I flick the light switch on and off, they will notice I'm here and let me out.
I turn it on and off three times. They see it, the crowd turns together and realise I'm here, finally. I walk towards the door waving again. They seem scared, as I get to the door, I'm able to see the sign that is now face me directly. My mind is buzzing, the pressure filling my head with unimaginable weight, I feel myself start to shake and I grow weak and drift to the floor, but my eyes stay glued to the poster.
It's like I'm staring at a giant mirror.
It can't be. I can't be. No, this is just a dream. A nightmare and I'm about to wake up.
Time seems to drag on as the people stand out-side the library. Then slowly they trickle away till the last two people start to leave. They turn towards the library seemingly looking straight through me.
'Mum. Dad.' I cry out, even though I know there will be no response. They can't see me or hear me.
I don't know how long I sat there in that spot at the front doors, or if I moved and came back. I still couldn't wrap my head around how I got here, in this library or how I was no longer alive. I was struggling to remember anything. And I mean anything.
But I couldn't sit here on this floor any longer I needed to figure this out. Standing up I felt strange, but my body didn't ache from being in the same spot for hours or days, which one I wasn't sure. Had people been here, around me? I honestly couldn't say. But as I look around now, I notice people everywhere. They're all oblivious to me and rightly so.
I walk towards the stairs that originally brought me into the library, I had to start from where I remembered. As I reach the top of the staircase I stare through the glass door, the grass is so vibrant outside on the roof top park. The trees so uniformed and perfect, the hammocks swaying slightly in the breeze. This was amazing the park looked so real except it floated on the roof of the library and was all fake, a relaxing place to enjoy your book and enjoy the sunshine. I hear two siblings giggling at the fish in the small pond, as they run along and follow them. A few adults read in the sun, either on hammocks or pool chairs. I feel like I'm watching a movie it seems so surreal and I'm almost scared to step out there.
I push the door open and bravely step out.
I look left then right, what's happening to me? spinning around in confusion. Where am I now?
Quickly I step back, feeling unsafe on this tiny balcony I'm on, how did I get here? where is here? I turn around and investigate the small dark window of the apartment that's attached to the balcony. My chest aches, this is my home. Was my home. I press my face to the glass cupping my hands to see better. I remember being here. I clutch the handle and try to pull the door open.
It gives and I walk forward only to bang right into an invisible barrier, I can't seem to move past the doorway. I try again and again but it's no use. Turning around I slowly edge towards the railing and place my hands on it tight, I look out and study the buildings surrounding me, I'm up high maybe ten stories. I look down and see the park. The library.
Suddenly I feel a force propel me over the balcony, and I start falling through the air, my body spins and turns like a rag doll and then everything goes black.
I snap my eyes open as I hit the ground. Shaking my head, I get up. I hear loud talking and chaos around me, people crying and running around the beautiful scenery. I look down and jump back to get off the body I'm standing on. My body lies twisted and bloodied on the ground. No longer being able to bare the sight I head back inside the library. Once behind the safety of the glass I look out, but everything is how it was before I'd left. I sit down right in the doorway, staring through the glass and try to find the memories of falling from the balcony.
Electric tingles shoot through my body as someone moves through me. I quickly stand up and move from the doorway not liking the way it felt. I float back towards my favourite corner my new safe place and sit up on the shelf. I hear people walking and rushing about and speaking in hushed tones, I pull my legs tight up to my chest. Their words just usually blend, and I rarely pay much attention. This time however one line stood out, "There was a body in the library." The two ladies moved past me so quickly I didn't hear another word. I hadn't imagined it, I died here.
It had been five days since I'd gone out the door, I'd walked up the stair's multiple times, stared out the glass doors watching the days and nights pass, not ventured any further. But today I was going to. I placed my hand on the glass and like usual there was no temperature just the solidness of its presents and regardless of what I thought I couldn't pass through it trust me I'd tried on a few occasions. Standing there for what felt like forever, I almost gave up and was about to return to the safety of the bookshelves. But something stopped me, I knew I had to go out there, it was the only way I'd get any answers and I had so many questions.
I turned as the door opened and the breezed moved through me in an eerie howl. Ignoring all the thoughts and feeling that entered my mind I pushed past all the excuses and exited the door. Once again, I found myself on the tiny balcony, but this time I was ready. I peeked over the side of the rail down towards my new prison, the library. I try to pay attention to my position so I could look up from the glass door of the library later. I looked down and counted the stories of a building across from me. I'm nine stories up.
I let go of the rail and turn towards the window. As I close the small gap between myself and the glass, I press my forehead against the surface. Jumping back in shock, I'm stunned to see there are people inside my apartment.
I try to get a closer look; I don't recognise either of them. They seemed to be romantically involved, I look away embarrassed to be watching their intimate touches that they bestowed upon each other. Trying to find something new to focus on I look around at the apartment, getting back to my original plan.
I spot a few things that are familiar to me, which is strange. Shouldn't my stuff have been moved before new people came in and took over? My eye's drifted back to the couple who are now half undressed. That's when I hear it. A familiar voice. A males voice. I want them to turn or move so I could get a look at him. I wait so long I barely realise what the couple are doing. But I can't look away in fear I will miss seeing his face. The face that matches that familiar voice. I hold my breath as he slowly starts to turn towards the window.
Before I can lay my eyes on him, I feel the familiar tug of gravity propel me back over the side of the balcony, my time here is up. I try to reach out for the rail and stop myself from leaving but it's a losing battle. I tumbled through the air twisting and turning as I fall. I keep my eyes open this time staring at my destination, watching the children and parents on the outdoor library. I wonder if these are the real people, the same people that were here the day I died?
This time when I opened my eyes after impact, I just laid there oblivious to all the noise and people around me. I was so confused, who was this man? how did I know him? do I know him? I stayed there so long that day turned to night. The clouds gathered and the sky opened letting fat drops of rain fall all over me. It was a weird feeling; the water didn't feel wet or cold. I could just feel the weight of each tiny drop as it fell onto me. It got heavier, but I had no desire to move or find cover from the rain or this feeling that was now making my skin crawl. I didn't think having feeling or sensations would have been possible when dead, but I was wrong I had lots of thoughts, and my thinking just continued constantly now that I didn't sleep.
All I can hear now was those four words, (I love you, babe.) repeating in my ears. Always in the same voice sometime faster other times slower. It was no clearer who that voice belonged to, but I just knew I remembered it. I had to go back to the apartment, maybe next time I'd be able to go in.
I floated down from my shelf and glided towards the glass door at the top of the staircase. Without hesitation I pushed on the glass, taking a huge breath of air even though I didn't need to. Moving forward I was stunned to find myself outside in the libraries garden, how? I turn back to look at the door I'd just come from. What's happening now? Feeling frustrated I walk back inside and tried to walk through out again, but I was still at the library.
I was going to be trapped here for ever.
I'd already red more books in these last few weeks then I could count. There had to be a way out and I just knew it would be from going back to my apartment, I just didn't know how.
Aimlessly wondering in the park's garden, people and children walked, ran and passed straight through me, I didn't even flinch anymore. All I cared about was finding another way to get back there. I had to try something extreme. What did I have to lose. Not quite sure how fast I could move now, I sped up making a beeline for the side of the garden. Ready or not here I go.
Whack.
I hit an invisible wall and am thrown back by force. Damn, there is no way out. I stayed down on the ground with no will to get up. I didn't care people were walking on me it was rather fitting for the moment anyway.
Closing yet another book in the dim light of the moon I head back to the shelf I'd been visiting nightly this week. If only I could read in the day and not worry about that fact that I was dead, stuck here, not remembering why or how. But it would be a little strange if books were floating and turning pages at the top of a bookshelf. That idea almost made me smile for the first time in ages. Sliding my book back into its rightful place I run my finger along the titles that I was yet to read.
Before I realise it, the alarm starts beeping announcing the start of a new day at the library, Miss Fiona walks in to disable the alarm and Bobbi is only a few steps behind. I replay the theme music I made for the two as they walk around turning on the lights and heating, then unlocking the doors, or should I say Fiona does it all while Bobbi follows close behind like a yapping pup hot on her heels. Fiona just brushes it off and gets on with it like always. I can't help but admire Fiona.
Much like Fiona does I tend to let Bobbi's rambling fall on deaf ears, but she said something that caught me off guard. Or was it the ear-splitting squeal that came with it.
'Oh my gosh Fiona, I can't believe I'm finally going to meet your boyfriend. I was starting to think you were hiding him from me?' Bobbi had said laughing at her own joke. The only reply Fiona gave her was an over emphasized eye roll. I must admit I was excited to see her boyfriend too, it was like my own little sitcom. What else was there to do.
Everyday I'd still go upstairs a few times attempting to get back to the balcony outside my apartment, but it hadn't happened again. And I was pretty sure it wasn't going to. At the very least it was a change of scenery to break the boredom of the day, plus some of my favourite characters hung out up here. I was sitting swaying in the wind of a hammock and listen to the birds sing. Every so often a child would stop and stare at me, seeing me but it never lasted long, and they never stayed to chat. I'm not even sure they could hear me. Maybe next time a child looks at me, I'll try talk to them.
I started sleeping outside, watching the balcony from which I fell. I had the building picked out and knew what floor. But it was too hard to figure out the exact window. I would see couple standing out at night having a drink or a smoke, but it was too far up to recognise anyone. I had many possible scenario's floating around in my head. I just needed more information.
I'd lost track of the date and month. The only thing I could really track was time, but it was meaningless to me now. I roamed aimlessly, I sat aimlessly, and I read endlessly. The only thing I really looked forward to, was when the library opened, that twenty minutes that the girls would chat and exchange their juicy gossip. I could see them approaching now. Dressed similar but never the same both with their own little flare of style.
As usual Fiona was doing all the work and Bobbi was hot on her heels, her jaw going full speed. Fiona seemed different today not bubbly, laughing or commenting on anything Bobbi was saying. Not that she noticed, Bobbi just continued with whatever gossip she was rambling about. I didn't really hear the words.
The bell over the door rang as the days first visitor enter the building and Fiona almost jumped out of her skin, finally her friend notice she was acting off.
'Babe, is everything okay? You're jumpy.' Bobbi asked, finally.
'Umm, yeah, I guess so.' She answered not even remotely fooling me or her best friend. I moved closer so I didn't miss anything the pair were about to say. Bobbi got closer too placing her arm on her friend's shoulder, 'You can tell me, you will feel better if you talk about it.' Fiona didn't say a word just opened her mouth for a second then closed it again without saying anything.
So, Bobbi continued, 'If I find out that no for good boyfriend of yours is behind this?' She stopped noticing that two tears had slid down her friend's face. Using her perfectly manicure thumbs she wiped under both of Fiona's eyes. Then she passed her a tissue as she started to talk about how her boyfriend had changed, she didn't understand why, he was even scaring her, and she didn't know what to do. She wanted to break up with him, but he just wasn't letting her. After Fiona finished, she takes a large breath of air and really starts to cry.
By then two other employees had arrived, so Bobbi asked someone to take over the desk while she went back to the staff room with Fiona. I started to follow the girls, but something stole my attention. A man entered being loud, rude and calling for Fiona. He had dark hair and even darker eyes with tan skin. He was moving quickly through the library, angrily raising his voice. He seems to be on a mission.
I hurry towards where the girls were not wanting to miss anything.
'Jarrad, please just leave your upsetting her.' Bobbi pleads. Turning around I see a scared Fiona and a pissed off Bobbi.
I was overwhelmed, angry, annoyed and I needed to do something.
Without even thinking I move towards them as fast as I can. banging straight into and I mean into Jarrad.
It hits me hard, hot and heavy. It's so surreal, I'm now one with Jarrad and it's not a feeling I like or think I can handle for long. I feel his rage or is it my own? I'm not sure. He starts to walk away, done arguing, for the minute. It takes all the control I have not to fall out of his body.
We're outside, I'm outside the Library for the first time in ages. It feels good but, scary. It's like I'm walking on my own two feet, well kind of. I can feel the sun burning into his flesh, caressing his cheeks and it's the most amazing sensation. Something I'd probably be complaining about if I were still alive.
Noticing we'd come to a stop I start paying attention and see that were right in front of an elevator. That's when I realize that we're in an apartment complex. A strange pulling sensation seems to be dragging me down, I think it's the force of the elevator moving up quickly through the floors. Panicking, I don't know if I should leave Jarrod's body or hold on for dear life.
Finally, the lift stops and Jarrad strides quickly out of it leaving me behind, I hurry after him. He stops in front of a door and digs in his pocket for keys. He jams them into the door and walk's in, I'm right behind him. He flicks the lights.
It's eerie and familiar at the same time. I glide my fingers across my old furniture in a trance. It's soon broken by the sound of glass smashing. Going to the next room I find Jarrad standing over a photo of Fiona and him on the ground shattered. He bends down and picks up the picture and rips it into pieces, mumbling something that I couldn't quite make out. He then heads to the fridge and cracks open a can of beer.
The sound starts a chain reaction of a memories that I never want to re-live but need too.
'Hey Tars, I'm starving when's dinner ready?' Jarred called to me as he opened yet another beer.
Rolling my eyes to myself, I reply without being too bitchy 'It's your turn, remember?'
'Not this again.' He growls back at me. 'I've told you this Tara. When I work, I need a drink. When I drink, I don't want to hear your smart mouth talking back. I thought you understood that by now.' His look making me shake, he must have got home early and had a few more that I expected. I froze not stupid enough to respond. 'Good, I see we understand each other.' He replied grinning to himself.
One after the other memories came back to haunt me, the more I looked around the more I remembered. I wanted it to stop. But this is what I'd been trying to recall. Right?
My thoughts are interrupted by banging at the door. Jarrad gets up and walks to the door beer in hand. He grins like an idiot as he swings the door open to greet Fiona.
'Look what the cat drugged in.' He remarks with a drunken slur. 'Get in.' He orders her.
She shakes her head, without making eye contact and starts talking shakily. "'Jarrad, I can't do this anymore. You've changed and I want out.' Fiona looks up quickly for just a second, just in time to see the evil grin on Jarrad's face. He then grabs her by the hair forcing her into the apartment before slamming the door behind them. Fiona attempts to talk again, but he stops her by firmly planting his hand over her mouth.
'Now, listen. I make the rules around here not you, understood?' He asks, already knowing the answer, she is terrified it shows in her eyes. You could see she regretted coming here and was trying to think of a way back out the door. Damn Fiona, why hadn't you just messaged him. I was scared for her, and I didn't know how I could help her, but I knew that I was supposed to. It's the only thing that made sense.
Jarrad walked back to the fridge and grabbed another beer, while Fiona huddled into her knees looking terrified. I was trying to think of something. Anything, I'd read lots or books and surely seen many movies, yet nothing came to my mind.
Zilch.
He plops on the couch as close to her as possible without sitting on top of her. Jarrad demands that she hands her phone over and she does. He then throws it into the door of the room. This gives me an idea, I follow the phone and dial 000 and press connect. Hearing raised voices from the lounge room I return quickly.
Someone is banging on the front door again. Jarrad starts talking in angry hushed tones threatening Fiona not to make a sound.
'Fiona? Jarrad?' It's Bobbi. 'I know she is here Jarrad, her car is still in our carpark.' Jarrad places his finger over his mouth in a shushing gesture and uses his other hand to grab her by the arm. Yanking her out to the veranda Fiona starts to panic and she isn't the only one, this is all awfully familiar. Tears slide down Fiona's cheeks and this only seems to further enrage him.
'Do you know what I did to the last girl who tried to leave me? Well, do you?' Jarrad spat at her. She shook her head fiercely as she tried to fight him moving her towards the railing on the balcony. I was frozen, I couldn't move. I couldn't help. I was useless to her.
Jarrad dragged her toward the rail, she grabbed at his legs and pushed away from him with all her force, but it was useless he was too strong. I trying to jump back into his body, but I couldn't focus, and it wouldn't work. It was too late, Fiona let out a small scream as he shoved her over the side on the balcony. I jumped forward clinging to her with everything that I had.
We twisted and turned as we fell, Fiona had passed out twice on the way down, screams escaping her lips every time she gained consciousness.
We hit the earth with a sickening thud, Fiona facing the sky with her back flat on the roof of the library, her eyes wide open. Blood leaked from various places over her broken body. I stared down at her extending my hand for her to take. She took hold of it and stood.
We both looked down at her body, Fiona opens her mouth but nothing comes out, I know how she feels but at least she has me. She is frozen in place, I gently tugged on her hand pulling her towards the staircase. She hesitates at first but then lets me lead her inside.