I pull my knees closer to my chest and bow my head to stop the rain from pounding down on my face. It couldn't hide my tears no matter how angry the sky was, each fat drop that fell on me causing me to wince in pain from the fresh bruises that covered my tiny frame. My boyfriend Josh had been drinking again, and luckily, he had passed out before me this time. I don't think I could have taken being raped again so soon. He was getting worse. Not only was the beating escalating, they were becoming more frequent. I got up and mindlessly walked home and crawled into bed, right beside my hero turned abuser. I didn't get it. I closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to take over.
The last three days passed without incident, now it was the weekend. Usually, this meant Josh would be drinking, a lot. I just couldn't t relax when he was going to get drunk, that's when the bad stuff always happens. I busied myself with cleaning, there is no way I could focus feeling like this. One o'clock, two o'clock, there o'clock. His car pulls into the driveway, the door shuts. Breathe Sarah, breathe. Josh walked through the door, no alcohol in hand, I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding. Smiling I went to Josh and hugged him.Hey kid, go get cleaned up the boys will be coming over soon." He winked and then smacked me on the backside. The heat rose in my cheeks and my heart started racing. No please not tonight.
After my shower I made myself presentable, it wasn't easy covering my bruised cheek or swollen eye. Walking, into the kitchen I noticed that Sam and Nick had already arrived. Waving hello, I greet them. Sam was the only one of Josh's friends I liked, the only one who was a decent human being. Who knew why he hung out with them.
I was ready to call it a night it was getting quite late, there were cans littered through the kitchen and living room, Nick was passed out on the sofa as usual and everyone else had left. As I walked around picking up the cans and bottles, I spotted a full can that had been tipped over on the rug. Letting out an annoyed breath I went to grab a towel to soak it up. That'ss when Josh caught up to me, grabbed my arm and pulled me in the direction of our room.
"Daddy time" Josh laughed. The smell of the alcohol on his breath and his words making me feel sick to my stomach.
"Wait! the beer is soaking into?"
SLAP
Tasting the metallic tang of blood in my mouth I stopped talking and followed quietly behind him. Josh, throws me on the bed and slams the door and roughly rips the clothes off my body. "Look at your face little girl. How am I suppose to get off looking at that shit." he presses a pillow down on my face. I bit down on it hoping this time he'd push hard enough to suffocate me. No such luck. He roughly turned me over and grabbed my hair, till I let out a squeal of pain.
"That's better" he mocks before slamming his hard muscle violently into my body repeatedly. The more I tried to pull away from him the harder he'd push into me. Hot pain exploded through my insides. Clenching my jaw, I tried to ignore the pain, the smell and his presence invading me but mostly I was trying to avoid the urge to move away from him.
Like he's in my head listening to my thoughts he suddenly grabs me by the throat, turning me around and pumps his hot seed all over me. Before pushing me away and going straight to sleep. Pressing my lips together and eyes shut tight I walked to the shower to tried to wash away my shame and cursed myself for wanting to cry, where would that get me! Once the hot water hit my skin, my first tear escapes despite my best efforts to stop it.
I woke with a start, 3.41 was the time starting back at me in the darkroom. I'd had a nightmare about Josh pushing me around as usual, then forcing himself onto me but then he turned into my dad. That's when I woke up. No way was I going to re-live that again. The chances of getting back to sleep were slim, getting out of bed I decide to have a cup of milo. Out in the kitchen, I hear movement and jump as Nick grabs me from behind, placing his hands around my waist and pulling me against his body, his cock digging into the small of my back. I immediately push away causing him to hit his back on the kitchen bench behind him. I quickly move towards my room, but it's no use. He catches up to me and grabs my hair and drags me back towards the kitchen.
I yelled for Josh. Sinking to the floor with relief when he appears a few seconds later.
"What the fuck ya screaming about? I'm trying to sleep." Josh and Nick exchanged a look, then Josh heads back to the room, but before he disappears, he turns and said, "If she gives you any hassle, just put her in her place, little whack does the job for me." He winks at Nick and is gone.
This can't be happening. I have to be dreaming. The sharp pain that rips through my scalp as my hair is violently pulled changes my mind.
This can't happen, not with someone else. No, I won't let it. I followed him to the lounge room.
"Now play nice sweet stuff and you might enjoy yourself." Nick laughs.
Shoving away my impulse to tell him to go fuck himself, I settled for a fake smile and nod. He released his grip on my hair moving his hands to my face, down my shoulders and back up again. Making his way to my breast he violently pinches at the pink buds, till they stand and tighten from the pain. Taking this as an invitation for more he rips down the straps of my nightie, revealing my nakedness. Enjoying the view, he kneels in front of me.
Quickly I shove him back as hard as possible, sending him flying backwards. Turning I run to the laundry and slamming the door behind me. I sit behind it, my legs pushing on the washing machine to stop him from entering. The house is dead quiet.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
I hold my breath but my hearts beating out of my chest. The knocking eventually stops, and his footsteps retreat. I let out the air that had Started to burn my lungs and relaxed a little. After what feels like hours, I leave the laundry as quietly as possible, getting back in to the bed with my so-called partner, my head was racing with thoughts. But still, I can't stop myself wrapping my arms around him to feel safer. There had to be a better way to live.
On Wednesday there was a lot to do. Luckily masks were mandatory and it would hide most of my bruises, not to mention the unhappiness. For the last six months, our four-wall unit had been my prison. No where to go and no one who cared, I wasn't subjecting others to my misery. My shame kept me lonely and feeling helpless. The only visitors we had were Josh's friends and occasionally his family. A family that's a joke, what did that mean. Mine were banished out of my life for good and not a moment too soon, how someone can do such things to their flesh and blood I will never understand. How can someone hurt their child or let someone else get away with it.
While pushing the shopping cart up the aisle, I'm preoccupied with dinner plans when taken by surprise, Sam touches my shoulder, making me jump.
"Sorry to scare you, Sar, why are you so jumpy? Is everything okay?" he asks. Continuing to walk and avoiding eye contact I replied "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, can't talk I'm in a hurry, bye." Quickly I lined up to pay for my food, tears threatening the corners of my eyes. Please not here. No crying in the store, not in front of Sam.
Later that night Josh comes home angry, his boss wasn't happy about the late starts he's been having. And if Josh isn't happy that means a detour to the bottle shop on the way home. I remind myself not to make eye contact or say anything, anything would provoke him in his current mood. Luckily, I was making his favourite dinner tonight. Hopefully, that would cheer him up.
"Sarah. Sarah" he calls, louder then necessary.
"Yes, Josh what is it?" I reply, trying to stop my voice from trembling.
He doesn't answer, just stares at me with those cold blue eyes and that smirk I'd come to hate.
He pushes me up against the wall by the throat, causing me to hit the back of my head on the wall. Pain pulsed threw out my head, his hands pushed hard on my windpipe making it hard to take a breath.
"Josh stop, I can't breathe." I gasp. He doesn't let up. Panic takes over. I grabbed at his hands with both of mine to try to relieve the pressure. A strange gurgling noise escapes my throat, he lets me fall to the ground.
"What's that smell?" Josh asks.
"I, I don't…Dinner." I pick myself up and go back to the kitchen as tears stream my face. Everything was burnt, dinner was ruined. Shit.
"You useless bitch, you fuck everything don't you! Your dad, my mates, my life??din-"
"That's not fair Josh, those things weren't in my control or my choice. And I never slept with - "
(Whack)
His fist connects with the side of my head. "Nick tried to rape me, and you didn't even try-"
Thump again his fist flew at my face, this time forcing it into the cupboard, forcing me to the floor. He quickly took advantage of his position to kick me till I pass out.
Tonight is Josh's birthday all the boys are coming over. I had to be their barmaid and hostess for the night. All day I'd been cleaning up and making food tonight. Josh had even brought me a barmaid costume for the event. It wasn't your average costume either, there was nothing left to the imagination. I was not looking forward to tonight. It was already time to shower, put make up on and do my hair.
After getting ready I head to the kitchen island, that will be our bar for the night. I swallow a few quick shots to prepare me for the night ahead. Thirty minutes later Sam was the first to arrive. I have to admit I was a little more than tipsy. I have must of stared at Sam a little too long because when he looked over our eyes met and heat rushed to my cheeks and places that I thought weren't possible.
That's when Nick and Josh walked in. Heading straight for the bar they grabbed some drinks and got me to start serving the food, but not before having another two shots slyly. The night was actually going okay so far, but maybe that was because I was drinking a lot more then I usually do. I felt good and was even enjoying myself. I was also getting a few looks of approval from some of the boys.
Some of the boys started chanting my name and clapping when a song came on. I made my way onto the coffee table and started to dance unsteadily. Swaying a little too much from drinking I decide to get down, instead shaking my ass as I move through the crowd. Stopping in front of Sam, I spin around and move closer to him. I feel his warm breath on my neck as he quickly exhales.
"What the hell do you think you doing Sarah?" Josh grabbed me by the wrist and turns as Sam chimed in.
"Come on Josh she was just dancing man, we're all having a good time bro, just chill will ya?" Josh wasn't happy about being challenged or that his mate was taking my side.
"Sam no one bloody asked you, did they. Looks like you two were having a little too much fun. Go to the room Sarah your done for the night."
"Josh man." Sam tried again.
"Shut up man, it's not your business if you don't like it piss off."
The music was drowned out by the shower rushing down over my face. What had come over me and who the hell did Josh think he was. He doesn't own me, but the truth was he kind of did. He had saved me from the sexual abuse of my father. Something my mum was too selfish or weak to do, she pretended like it wasn't even happening and just went on about her happy life. It was in year ten that I had meet Josh, tall, strong, handsome, athletic and confident. As I was walking home from school one day, I passed through the football oval in front of my house. Josh had jogged over to me to say hi. I was so happy and smitten by him when we first met. He was my knight in shining armor, before long we started dating.
The sound of the bathroom door opening ripped me away from my memories and Nick walked in. Instinctively I grabbing the shower curtain to hide my body. I backed into the corner and called for help. No one seemed to hear me. He locked the door behind himself. Removed his pants and ripped the curtains from my hands. "Please Nick don't do this. What if Leonora finds out she won-" I try to plead.
"I'm only ganna say this once. You ain't telling nobody bout this including your boyfriend because he won't help you." He pauses to lick his lips. "Mmmm you looked so yummy tonight you know you wanted me to follow you in here, your no miss innocent." Nick coed at me.
I tried to get past him but he pulled a pocket knife from his jacket and flipped it open exposing a shiny blade. "And don't try and run this time it won't end well, for you." Swallowing the vomit that was starting to rise in my throat, I started to choke on the water. He smiles at me and strokes my hair, "Just relax" he says placed the knife on the sink and stepped into the bathtub joining me. Freezing in fear I can't move or make a sound.
"Turn around" he whispered in to the side of my neck, following with his tongue. I can't move and I don't want to. "Now Sarah". Still, my body won't co-operate. Nicks grabs me and forcefully holds my body against the cold tiles. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to block everything out. He has one hand holding me against the wall while the other attempts to separate my legs.
"Open your legs before I cut my way in." I try but my legs won't co-operate. He kicks my legs out from under me fist one then the other. Roughly he grabs me around the waist stopping me from falling, but at the same time pulling my ass against his hips. He ripping his way deep inside my body, the pain instantly shotting through me. Nick is too big for me to handle. The pain is more than I can take. But still, he viciously pounds repeatedly into my body. Using all of my strength to push off the wall we both go flying backwards over the side of the bath, then everything goes black.
When I wake up the next morning my head is throbbing, my tummy feels queasy and core is burning. What happened last night? How did I get to bed and why was I naked and bleeding? Heading to the bathroom for a shower, the memories return. The party, the drinking, the dancing, Josh getting mad and Nick. Oh no I'm going to be sick. Heading to the bathroom I empty my stomach and get in the shower. No amount of soap will wash away the shame and disgust I feel right now. My head starts to throb in protest to the hot water touching it, I lifted my hand to where most of the pain is to discover a large gash above my eyebrow, ouch. How could I get that sorted without causing suspicion. Who will help me? When I needed help in the past it was Josh who'd come to my rescue, now that idea seemed laughable, he wasn't saving me anymore he wanted his own punching bag and sex toy.
And now he was willing to share. Who could help me, who would even want to. That's when it hit me no one, this was my mess, my problem and I had to get out of it or die trying.
Checking the house to make sure Josh wasn't there, I quickly run around grabbing my belongings and packing them up, and putting everything in the boot. I get in my car, start the engine, through it into reverse and put my foot down. Glancing in the rearview mirror I see a vehicle approaching from behind, fast. Quickly I slam on my brakes before I hit Josh. I put my car into drive and try cutting across the front yard. He jumps out of his car and runs towards me, banging on my window. "Babe, what the fuck? What are you doing?" he calls.
I force myself to keep going, there is no backing out now. All my belongings are in the car. I put my foot down again. Josh leaps in front of my car, looking straight at me as I'm forced to jump on my brake again. "You won't do it Sarah. Now get out of the fucking car!" I hear the anger in his voice and I hit the gas pedal causing him to fly over the hood of the car with a thump.
SHIT!!
Quickly getting out of the car I race to see if he is okay. What had I done. Someone grabs me from behind and starts shaking me like a rag doll. I turned my head and my eyes meet with Nick's, he must have been in Josh's car.
"What did you do?" he spat, I tried to get away but he threw me into the side of the car, my head bouncing off the door reopening my wound. Suddenly I feel dizzy.
Waking from a sharp pain exploding on the side of my face, I realise we're all inside now. All my clothes, make-up, shoes and paper work are destroyed and spread across the floor of our lounge room.
"And where did you think you were gonna go? Ain't nobody want you. You don't have friends or family."
I grab my face to protect it as he slaps me and continues. "Stupid bitch. I think she broke my leg, Nick." Pulling up his pants to real a bone sticking out though the skin in his shin. "Fuck man." All the colour drained from Josh's face.
Nick got up and walked over to have a look. "Damn bro I think you better go to the hospital, like now"
Angered by this I couldn't help but speak up, "what about my head. I need stitches too?"
"Shut your mouth you stupid bitch, you do this to him with your stupid car, your ganna pay for this." Nick started towards me angrily.
"Chill bro, I'm going to get this leg dealt with then we will sort her out. Keep an eye on her for me will ya?" Nick just nodded in response, but I could see the smirk on his face.
Frozen in fear again I didn't know what to do, this couldn't get any worse. That's when I notice Josh's phone on the armchair, it must have fallen out of his pocket. Standing up I walk towards the toilet.
"Oi, where you going?" Nick was quick to ask.
"The loo." I reply. "I need to pee."
"Nah Sarah, not happening." Turning back towards him I walk over and sit in the armchair, feeling for the phone I slide it under my thigh, and wait. It feels like hours before he walks over to the fridge to grab a beer. Quickly picking up the phone I unlock it, turn off the sound and search his contacts until I find Sam's number and pray that he answers.
The call connects and I shove the phone behind a cushion.
"Can I please get a drink too?" My mouth is dry and I haven't had one all day.
"No, you fuckin can't. You should've thought bout that before you tried to kill Josh with your fucking car." This time I seen the slap coming before it made contact but I didn't even flinch, what was the point. My ears started to ring, and the blood from above my eye splashed onto him.
"Gross, you got blood on me you dirty bitch."
'Knock, knock, knock, knock'
Nick put him finger up to his mouth to silence me. I nod back and he walks over to the door looking through the peephole, noticeable relaxing he opens the door. "Hey Sam, what's up? Josh isn't here at the moment. There was an accident and he had to go to the hospital. I'll let him know you stopped by." He then went to shut the door. But before it was fully closed it quickly
swung open at full force knocking Nick to the ground. I wasted no time running out the door.
"Sarah, oh my God are you okay? What happened?" Sam asked concerned.
"Can we please just get out of here Sam?" I beg grabbing his arm. "Now."
"Okay, I'll take you to the hospital, your head looks bad." We get straight into his car.
"No, no Josh is there. Just drive please before he gets back." We pull out of the drive way and turn into the next street relief floods my body and the tears start to fall.
"Damn Sarah, I didn't know things were this bad."
"It's okay, I'm going to be okay. Can you take me to the police station
Please."