Evangeline’s eyes were cast over the blue sky, the shine of the sun heating her face as she raked them over the pretty blues that she had once loved.
Her eyes fell from the cloudy sky and to her left, landing on a pretty blue bird perched on a nearby limb.
“She’d like that,” Evangeline thought, eyes moving away, cast to the pond opposite the bench where she sat.
It too, was pretty and blue, all different hues; ducks and geese flying overhead, swimming calmly in cool waters. The color shone in their feathers, all those ethereal blues, or at least, that’s what she thought.
Her eyes soon fell, deciding that the ugly grey of the pebbles below her feet suited her better. A reflection of the dullness she felt inside, of the emptiness that consumed her.
When she cast her eyes on the vibrant blues of the world, a color that had been a favorite of hers, she found herself saddened; happiness, falling like water, draining to somewhere unknown. She could remember a time in which all she felt was happiness, when blues were her favorite colors, when she could never get sick at the sight of them because they belonged to her favorite person.
Those blues still did, that hadn’t changed, but those memories had been tainted. Those memories of vibrant, glistening blue gems overflowing with joy and laughter. Those memories were cloaked in blacks and greys and drowned in sadness, in a yearning for the past.
Those blues were so far gone, a lifetime away, because their owner, the person that made blue all so pretty; she was gone.
Evangeline remembers that day like it was yesterday, it had started out as such a good day.
Angel had had the day off, a rare occasion for the persistent and hard-working business owner.
Evangeline could remember her laugh as they walked alongside one another in the park, hand in hand, headed for their favorite spot.
“Kate did not,” Angel had laughed, head thrown back, brilliant blue eyes shining in the sunlight as Evangeline’s favorite wide smile slid onto her face.
“She sure did. Slipped and fell right into the pig pin. I told her to watch her step,” Evangeline had shrugged, a wide smile of her own sliding onto her face as she raked her eyes over Angel’s.
Evangeline remembers how much she loved that smile; how much she missed it.
She could nearly see that smile, see it gleaming at her through the rays of sunshine.
The memories made her smile, a small one, just for a moment. Just for a moment there was happiness, a memory of what once was, and then she remembered; that’s all it was.
These were all just memories, figments of the past. She was in reality; a reality where Angel was gone, a reality where she would never see that smile, hear that laugh, look into those eyes, or hold those hands again.
The thought stole the smile from Evangeline’s face, replacing it with a blankness of gloom.
She’d been sitting there for a while, on a bench in the park. She hadn’t moved, hadn’t said a word. Her elbows remained on her knees, hands clasped tightly onto one another, back painfully stiff.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” Raven said as she took a seat beside the dull-faced brunette.
“Why?” Evangeline asked.
“You’ve been awol all day.”
“I’ve been here, Ray,” Evangeline sighed, deciding to lean back a bit, lend Raven some of her attention even if her mind was elsewhere.
“Eva. We’re all worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Are you kidding me! You’re one step away from losing it. We understand that losing her was hard. We felt it too but come on. We’ve mourned and we’ve moved on, it’s time you did too.”
A rage filled Evangeline’s body, her head whipping to the side as she finally met eyes with the raven-haired girl that had been her friend since freshman year.
She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this kind of anger, this kind of visceral rage. Looking into Raven’s coal black eyes framed by heavy dark shadows and deep liner only fueled her fury.
“You’ve moved on, have you? Well, congratulations. I’m glad that it was so easy. I’m glad that you didn’t have years invested in a person that was just going to die anyways. I’m glad that you get to sleep peacefully every night. I’m so glad that it’s so easy for all of you, but you know something; I can’t just move on. We are talking about someone that I’ve known for two decades, someone I’ve been in love with for just as long, someone that has always been there for me, someone who has protected me when I needed protection, someone that I was going to marry, Raven. I can’t just move on from the person who made me, me,” Evangeline’s eyes were wide and shining with unshed tears, hands gripping each other so tightly that the skin had gone ghostly white.
It’d been so long since she talked about Angel.
Dropping her eyes from Raven’s astonished ones, she dug through her pocket and fished out her wallet. Inside, pressed into the leather fabric was a dream that would never find fruition.
“Eva,” Raven began, cut short by the raise of Evangeline’s hand.
“You know, I was going to ask her. Finally. I think she would have loved it. Silver fit her best and she always loved oval shaped jewels. Remember that topaz one I got her? She was over the moon about that when she saw it. It fit her so well too. This would’ve looked so beautiful on her. I can only imagine what wedding dress she would have chosen. All the roses I would have ordered for the ceremony. How beautiful she would have looked in every single picture. How my eyes would have been locked to her every single second,” Evangeline’s eyes were dreamy as she stared at the ring in her hand, the sun forming shimmering rainbow patterns on the knee of her jeans.
“I didn’t know you were going to propose,” Raven sighs deeply, eyes focused in on Evangeline, watching her stare down at that pretty jewel that would never meet its owner.
“Not now.”
“Someone else then. In the future. Angel isn’t your end game, Eva,” Raven turns to face the brunette fully as she speaks, dark eyes drilling into the shaking head of Evangeline.
“Are you fucking crazy, Raven. I’ve been in love with Angel for forever. From the second I saw her I knew she was it for me. The connection was instant, Raven. I don’t want anyone else. Call it cliche, call it dramatic, call it whatever you want to call it, but she was my happily ever after, Raven. That’s all, that’s it. I don’t want anyone else because no one else is her.”
Raven just shook her head as she turned her eyes to the setting sun.
“You’ve been here all day.”
“And I’ll be here all night.”
“You’re joking,” Raven’s attention quickly turns back to Evangeline, eyebrows furrowed in question.
“Yes, I’m joking,” humorlessly, Evangeline laughs, standing slowly and taking one last glance over the sunset, the last of the pretty blues fading away,” Goodnight, Raven.”
The walk home was long, cold, exhausted limbs carrying her down the same path she’d taken every day since that fateful day.
The sight of her bed was welcomed, but it wasn’t comforting, not like it used to be.
Angel’s scent in her pillow had long since faded and her favorite throw was the only thing filling her spot now.
Evangeline didn’t bother with the blankets, preferring to shiver herself to sleep; jeans too loose, slipping around her thinning waist, hoodie too thin, too damaged from wear.
She didn’t care.
This was where she stayed, only leaving to torture herself with the pretty blues of nature in remembrance of her sweet Angel.
She stayed like that for weeks, for months, for such a long period of time that her mother had started coaxing her out of bed, away from the bleakness of a space that used to bring her tranquility.
“Eve, honey, please come to lunch with me,” Arda said, the woman, who’s black hair seemed to be greying by the second, was worried beyond belief.
It pained her to see her daughter in such a state. She could hardly bear the loss of a girl that she loved as a daughter being taken from her so abruptly, she couldn’t stand losing another one.
“Mom,” is all that sounded from the worn brunette, hair a mess of tangles over the pillow, clothes that reeked of desperation wrinkled against her body, and blank eyes staring into nothing.
“Please, it’s all I ask. Just a bit of time outside. That’s all.”
“Mom.”
“Please, dear, please. Humor your mother, will you?”
Evangeline sighed, a thick swallow following, the sound audible throughout the soundless room, the flesh of her throat rubbing and sticking together.
“Just an hour or two.”
“Thank you, honey. Let me get you some clothes.”
Arda made quick work of finding fresh clothes for her withering daughter, something comfortable and warm that she knew Evangeline would have on for months to come.
It took little time for the two to leave the decrepit apartment, and make their way, calmly, to the dinner on the corner.
Sitting across from her mother, Evangeline’s eyes were elsewhere, directed up at the glistening blue sky, a cloudless day, a happy day.
“Hello guys, my name is Sage, and I will be serving you guys today! Can I start you off with any appetizers or drinks?” the waitress smiled kindly, brilliant emeralds flicking between the two women.
“Yes, hun. I would like water, and she’ll have unsweet tea with lemon. I think we’re alright on the appetizers for now,” Arda said, glancing over at her daughter whose eyes were analyzing the waitress; the scent of sage, lemon, and eucalyptus having caught her attention.
“Yes ma’am! Now are we ready to order or do we still need a couple of minutes to look over the menu?” her smile was bright as the sun, pretty, pale green nails gently tapping against her sparkly yellow notepad.
“I think we need just a couple more minutes. Thank you.”
“Alright! I will be right back with those drinks.”
As Sage retreats, Evangeline’s eyes follow her, eyebrows furrowing as she takes a deep breath, a calm finding her soul.
“Everything alright, honey?” Arda quizzically stared at her daughter, eyebrows raised in question.
“Yes, I’m alright,” she whispered, slowly turning back to her mother, hands fiddling in her lap.
“Alright? Well, take a look at the menu, hun.”
Evangeline’s eyes raked over the menu, many things that had made her stomach grumble in desire before, now forcing what little remained in it to bubble up, acid climbing her throat, a nausea overwhelming her.
She pulls her eyes away slowly, directing them back towards the window.
“Alright ladies! Here are your drinks,” Sage set the cups down in front of them, a plate of lemons sitting alongside Evangeline's tea.
“Thank you,” Arda said softly as she took a sip of her water.
“Of course! Do we think we’re ready to order or do we still need a couple minutes?”
“I believe we are ready. I think I’m going to have the Chef’s Special Club, and no onions on that please. For my side, I think I’ll do the cajun fries, I’ve heard they’re pretty good.”
If Evangeline was honest, what her mother had ordered did sound good, but the idea of having it in front of her made her empty stomach churn in distaste.
“Wonderful choice! And for you, sweetie?” Sage turned to Evangeline, those calming scents finding her again. Sighing softly, she glances up at those gleaming emeralds, a color so earthy and green that mother nature herself would have no choice but to lay in her inadequacy and jealousy.
“I’m not all that sure. Why don’t you surprise me?” Evangeline smiled softly, as genuinely as she could.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes ma’am, and don’t worry, I don’t want to know what you chose. I’m sure I’ll like whatever it is.”
“Well alright then. I’ll make sure it’s extra good, just for you! I'll get these in and be back soon ladies,” Sage retreats once more, dark midnight hair, a stark contrast to the pale blondes of Angels, swaying against her back, wild curls restrained by a singular thick band.
A small lull in time passes between the mother and daughter, Evangeline’s eyes back to the window, flicking between the clear sunny sky and the dying birches.
“So, that was a good interaction,” her mother’s voice breaks the silence, drawing Evangeline’s attention to the grinning woman.
“I like her perfume, or whatever it is that makes her smell like that.”
“It did smell quite nice. I don’t know you liked sage or eucalyptus. I always thought you were pretty keen on vanilla or more fruity scents.”
“Not anymore.”
“That’s fine. Tastes change,” her mother nods softly, sympathetic eyes glancing over Evangeline's face,” it suits her.”
“Yes, it does.”
“Alrighty guys! Here we are! Chef's Special Club, no onions, and cajun fries. And for you, The Big Biscuit with scrambled eggs! I hope you like it! It’s one of my favorites!” Sage said, smile gleaming as brightly as ever, sparkling irises shining in glee as she awaited the response from the gloomy brunette.
“I am a sucker for breakfast all day.”
“Thank the heavens! You and me both, love,” Sage releases a sigh of relief, grinning like a pretty little cheshire,” and, on me, I’ve got some blackberry cobbler with your name on it!”
Evangeline laughs softly, a genuine smile sliding to her face as she shakes her head at the pretty raven.
“On you, yeah?”
“Yes ma’am! It’s not every day we get a pretty face in the door, much less two!” Sage’s laugh sounds out like bells, a pretty jingle.
“Hush now! Don’t flatter us!” Arda said, hushed laughter falling from the older woman’s lips.
“Alright ladies, I will leave you to enjoy your meals. I’m going to be taking care of some other customers but just let me know if you need anything. I’ll be around alrighty. Enjoy!” with that, Sage makes her exit, smiling softly at both woman, eyes lingering on tired hazels.
Lunch went smoothly, Arda chatting idly with a mostly quiet Evangeline, although the later listened closely in on her mother's words, catching whiffs of that calming herbal mix every now and then.
For the first time in months, Evangeline felt calm.
The next couple of months were better for the young photographer. With fall in full swing and sessions back open, she was busier than ever and finally finding her way back to society.
Her bed remained empty, choosing to sleep on the couch instead, but her fridge was well stocked, her cupboards too. She showered every day, brushed her teeth and her hair, she even used a blanket at night when she slept, just not the ones she used to.
In most ways, she was doing better.
Her cliental was up, multiple photo shoots a day leaving her up until the rise of the morning sun.
She’d scheduled weddings, birthdays, engagement parties, anniversaries; anything she could.
It was late, a star littered Friday night, and Evangeline was hard at work on edits for the Carlson’s. Their wedding was coming up in a few months and she was tasked with not only photographing the wedding, but she had also taken their engagement photos, and for an extra fee, she had agreed to prepare a photo album and collage for the wedding.
She had to admit, the couple was stunning. They photographed beautifully and didn’t need much editing at all, just some lighting corrections.
Looking at them made her smile, but it also made her mind wonder to places far in the past.
It’d been nearly a year, so why did the wound still feel fresh. She’d gone out with her friends, drank a little, behaved like normal.
As far as everyone else was concerned, she was back to the old Evangeline again.
Mr. and Mrs. Carlson were a beautiful couple. They were young but they were undoubtably in love. They had a little boy together, his name was Winston, he was in some of the photos too.
When the edits were done and Evangeline had nearly had more than she could bear of happy couples, she stood from her couch and made her way outside for a walk, relishing the cool autumn air.
She walked for some time, hands in her hoodie, eyes taking in the clam of the early morning.
As she walked, she came up to the diner, the lights bright and eye-catching, reminding her that it was Saturday now, a day she had come to love.
It was the only day she took off. She’d come here every Saturday since that first Saturday with her mom. Sage was always her waitress, she’d requested it, no matter how sad that thought was. She couldn’t get over her scent, how calming it was.
Their conversation was always light and gentle. She never ordered herself, she always left it up to Sage’s mood, and Sage had admitted that she liked it. She liked being able to surprise Evangeline.
Evangeline knew she couldn’t go in now, Sage wasn’t there, wouldn’t be until eleven.
So, Evangeline looked on, walking idly and enjoying the early mornings air. Then, she came upon a place all too familiar, a place she’d been avoiding like the plague, terrified by the nightmares that would cascade over her as they were now.
Flashes of blood stole her vision, sounds of ricocheting gunshots ringing in her ears. She could feel the warmth on her hands, the weight in her arms. She could hear the bated breaths, the screeching of tires, the blaring of sirens.
It was like she was there again. Like Angel was in her arms, her blood drenching her favorite navy dress, soaking into the fabric of Evangeline’s black and white flannel. She was bleeing so profusely, her breath was so ragged, her lips stained red, her skin paling by the second. The sight of those rosy cheeks fading away into a ghostly white. The light in those crystal blue eyes becoming glassy and empty.
Evangeline had tried. She remembered how much she had tried. She’d ripped her flannel off and apart, trying desperately to stop the blood from flowing. If Angel could hold on just a little bit longer.
“It’s okay,” Angel had whispered.
“No, no, no it’s not! It’s not fucking okay! You’re going to be okay; you’re going to be fine. They’re almost here! I promise they’re almost here and they’re going to help you and you’ll be okay. You just have to hold on a little bit longer. Please Angel, please,” Evangeline had begged, on her knees drenched in her beloved's blood, hot salty tears streaking down her face.
“Evangeline,” Angel hushed,” I love you.”
Her final breath had left her then, her heart giving its final beat, her grip on Evangeline’s hand loosening until it fell.
“No, no, no, no, no! Angel! No! Look at me! Angel! Fucking breath!”
It all replayed like a movie in her mind, like she was there again.
Suddenly, things weren’t better anymore.
That pain was still there, biting as ever. It’d only ever been covered up by the work and the booze. It was never really gone. It was never really better.
A numbness flooded her body, a numbness she was all too familiar with that she had hoped had ebbed away.
She supposed it was just a mask she was wearing. A faux happiness.
Did anything really make her happy?
Everyone wanted her to be better. Wanted her to be happy. But all this ‘growth’, all this ‘work’, and a year later, everything was just the same.
Evangeline walked on, heavy limbs, an empty mind, and a cool night.
She stopped at the bridge, on the sidewalk, arms resting against the edge.
She looked over it for a while, blank faced, and tear streaked.
She wondered if all of this was worth it. If all of this pain was worth it. If this struggle; loading herself with work, drinking herself to sleep, trying so hard to get past the past, was worth it.
She didn’t know. She didn’t feel that it was.
It should have been her that day.
Angel had only stepped in front of her to fix some fly aways, giggling as she wrapped her fingers around the short hairs and pushed them under the others.
That’s why.
It was her fault that Angel was gone. She should have turned to her, should have been her shield, should have saved her.
She blinked slowly as she looked into the empty night, blank eyes resembling the night sky.
Slowly, she untucked her hands, pressing them against the edge, hoisting herself up.
She stood there for a moment, eyes closed, arms spread wide, breeze brushing softly against her skin, nudging her forward.
Then, sage, lemon, and eucalyptus.
