My sister annexed our dad's will and took everything. I was a teacher. I left my job and home and moved into my dad's house because of domestic violence-related stalking. I take responsibility for it. My daughter hates me. I don't blame her. But I would not change the past if I could. I will not let others dictate my decisions.
I needed to experience abuse. It would have happened sooner or later.
Now I take on the traits of my abuser. Because he was right. I was just not aware of it at the time because I was too convinced of being the victim.
When I met Mike, I wanted to help him. I took pity on him. He did not want to be pitied. He wanted to be respected as my equal. But most of us are not willing to see it that way. We are convinced that we know what's best. We attribute enlightenment to socio-economic advantage and poverty to pathology. We make ourselves ministers of others' path to betterment. We make asses of ourselves for trying.
Mike remains the most enlightened person I know. I just never gave him credit for it. It was too easy to be a victim of his psychopathy and abuse. He taught me well.
He taught me to protect myself from others like me. He taught me how to play others sense of betterment to get what I need. Because most people will never understand no matter how much you fight for recognition. Most people will remain ignorant of their ignorance, their safe space of prejudice and pomp.
Mike used to spit on me and call me nigger in public. The more I cried, the worse he became. He tried to get me to see and understand my hypocrisy. Victimhood perpetuated my blindness.
Now, after hitting rock bottom and finding a foundation in myself, I must now face my sister. She can accuse me and file restraining orders all she wants. She has to own up to her actions just as I have. Until then, I am forced to accept life in the shadows of human solipsism. I am not as smart or as saavy as Mike. I am not willing to play the game. I hover between anger and stasis. I cannot out a smile on my face to be used as human toilet paper. I will not allow others to attribute my loss to "a lack of self-esteem."
I strive to find a state of peace within myself despite the world. I appreciate humanity but only at a distance. I strive to remain even-headed and even-handed, neither giving not taking more than my lot.
Timothy McVeigh has more commonsense than most humans. He's a boy, however, so he had the advantage to access explosives. As a woman, I fight just to obtain my own sustenance without being fed and exploited by "helping" hands.
When an executive breach of fiducuary power is allowed to continue unchecked, the world becomes your conservator. Everyone gets a piece. Repeat offenders learn how to use the system to their advantage. I am too Capricorn for that. I follow Timothy's lead. Not for kicks, but by nature of what's at stake. Freedom. Law. Power. Humans have made a mess of it. At least say so. Do anything but call it justice.