"hey, daddy!
"whoa! Don't jump on daddy's lap like that. You may destroy future generations. "
"know what i've been doing? "
"getting ready for christmas? "
"yep! "
"so you made out your list for what you want santa to bring you and burned it so he could read the smoke? Under mommy's supervision, of course. "
"uh-hunh. "
"and you hung your stocking to the chimney with care? "
"yes. "
"i guess you're all set then. "
"nope! "
"what else is there? "
"putting out milk and cookies for santa. "
"didn't you do that last year? "
"i always put out milk and cookies. He likes milk and cookies, so i put out milk and cookies. "
"okay, okay, don't get defensive. You don't want to wind up on the naughty list this late in the game, do you? "
"he likes 'em too 'cause the next morning all that's left are crumbs and the glass is empty almost. "
"i'm sure he appreciates the thought. But the same thing year after year after year! It gets monotonous for him, don't you think? How would you like it if he gave you the same presents year after year after year? You wouldn't. Besides, milk and cookies isn't exactly a balanced diet and santa has a bit of a weight problem. His a1c is probably sky-high. And what do you feed him? Sugar. Cookies are pure sugar. "
"milk too! "
"even milk has sugar in it. Know what they call it? Milk sugar. The poor guy goes from house to house, all he gets is sugar and milk sugar. He's going to get diabetes if he keeps that up. You want santa claus to get diabetes? "
"no. "
"then here's what we should do. We should put our heads together and see what we can do to keep that from happening. I know! This year instead of milk and cookies we'll give him something more substantial! Mommy still in the kitchen? "
"she's cleaning up. "
"well, i'm sure she'll want to help. Tell mommy our plan and ask her to fry up that big piece of leftover steak from dinner. That will be a nice change-of-pace for santa. A sizzling steak drizzled with gravy made from pan drippings! Nothing's too good for santa, after all, and if she wants santa to be as generous to her this year as he was to her last year, i'm sure she'll get on board. Oh. And those little potatoes sauteed in butter and garlic. "
"those are all gone. "
"ask her to make more. It's for santa, after all. This is the guy who gives and gives and gives . . . And asks nothing in return. He wants garlic potatoes, he gets garlic potatoes. "
"what about a vegetable? "
"santa doesn't like vegetables. "
"i'll go tell mom. "
"wait a minute. What about a beverage? Santa doesn't get a beverage? Sure he does. I think he'd like a glass of scotch. "
"scotch? "
"don't judge, pumpkin. It's cold out there. Santa's going to need to warm up some and a shot of scotch will warm him up plenty. Tell mommy to go into our private stock. Use a rocks glass. They're the glasses with the heavy base. Know why they call it a rocks glass? "
"because the drinks are on the rocks, the rocks being ice cubes. "
"very good! Absolutely correct. Hey, maybe you'll be a bartender someday. "
"i'm going to be a doctor. "
"well, they help people too. Now, you pour in the scotch, give him three fingers, ok? "
"like this? "
"yes, from the bottom of the glass and you pour to your top finger. Only let's not use your little girl fingers. Let's use my big man fingers. So you pour to your three fingers then double it. "
"that's a big drink. "
"don't judge me. I mean don't judge santa. He's had a rough year. Everything's gone up except his pay and he knows everyone's depending on him to provide the best Christmas ever. It's very stressful for him. I'm sorry i yelled. "
"that's ok. "
"so you'll get me my big drink? "
"be right back! "
"just remember, pumpkin. We all need some kind of a crutch to get through the holidays. Even santa does. You'll find that out when you get older. "
"you stay here and i'll be right back, daddy. Mommy, i know what to get daddy for christmas! A crutch! "
