PART 1
I looked up at the clock in our living room. It showed that it was 3:25 a.m.
Kieran was supposed to be home around 3 hours ago. I couldn't wait to see him and run into his arms to hug him.
I was away from him for two whole months as I had to go to Brooklyn to meet the editor at the publisher house, and work with them on the draft for the book that I had written. And that's not the only crazy exciting thing to happen to me while I was in Brooklyn.
Anyway, I had reached home from the airport at 10:30 p.m. Kieran was busy and couldn't pick me up. So, Gale and Ajax came by to pick me up at the airport (I had no clue they'd be coming). They surprised me. Kieran told me that our driver Jonah was coming to pick me up, but when I was looking around trying to look for him, or our car, I saw Gale and Ajax holding placards that read "Mrs. Kieran Reed"
When they spotted me, they started to behave like savages. They danced, and shouted my name, so that everyone looked at me, and I turned into a red tomato out of awkwardness. I went over to them and bribed them with a promise of buying them beers so that they would stop behaving the odd way they were. Then I gave each of them high fives, and even a group hug. They treat me like family. They are family, after all.
They dropped me home, and offered to buy me a beer. On a normal day, I'd agree to a beer immediately. But this time, I had to refuse. They were stunned. We hung out for some time, and they left.
After they left, I tried to busy myself around the house, cleaning up our room. The room floor was scattered across with paper, possible lyrics to his songs, I thought. Then I dug through our cassette collection, and watched the first half of The Notebook.
I was afraid to eat anything for the fear of feeling nauseous. I tried not to think about food, but failed. I was craving muffins, so I helped myself to a muffin from the pantry (the secret spot where I hide my muffins so that Kieran wouldn't make them disappear).
As I was sitting on the island in the kitchen, eating the muffin, I thought of Kieran finding my secret spot, and my muffins vanishing. As I took the last bite of the muffin, I giggled when I thought about how Kieran would react if he found out that I hide muffins from him. He'd be heartbroken.
While I was busy secretly loathing myself for being such a horrible person, I heard Kieran's car pull up into the driveway. I peeped through one of the windows, and was blinded by the car's headlights, which caused me to flinch away from the window.
I heard his keys jingle as he tried to open the door. I sprung off of the island, and walked down the hallway towards the door. The door opened, and Kieran entered. "Zoey! I'm home...". He was looking down as he set his duffle bag on the floor, and took his boots off.
When he looked up and saw me, he gave me the most lovable smile in the world.
"Hey Ki, I missed you!! What took you so long? We were supposed to have dinner together and also a Fast and Furious movie marathon", I complained. He sighed in response.
"I'm sorry, Zoey, I was caught up in my work, I had a meeting with Teddy and a few other producers for a brainstorming session in the studio. We can do it some other day", he said to me in a monotonous way.
I was hurt because he seemed the least bit excited to see me (not even half as excited as I was, to see him). But I want him to come home to a positive happy atmosphere. So, I decided to hide the fact that I was upset at that time. I walked over to him and lovingly pressed a kiss on his cheek.
"Some other time, then", I said cheerfully. I gave him a tight hug and whispered into his ear, "I love you, Kieran, I've missed you like crazy, and the news I have for you will blow your mind." There was no response from him.
We were seeing each other after two whole months, and this is how excited he was. I felt disappointed, my heart ached. I waited for him to reply, but he didn't respond at all. Instead, he pushed me away, and shouted, "Leave me alone for Christ's sake. I'm in a really shitty mood already, I haven't slept well for days, and I cannot deal with you right now, Zoey. Go away. MOVE!"
I moved away from him, and stood there watching him, wondering what I did wrong. He turned without looking at me, without uttering a single word. He stumbled over to the minibar to pour himself some whiskey. He behaved like I didn't exist. I felt a little sting in my eyes, and tears came rolling down my face. I was completely numb.
I began walking towards the room - the one we have for when guests come over. I made my way to the bed and sank on it. I cried for a long time. Because he never spoke to me like that before. Because he looked at me like he didn't want me there. Like he'd had enough of me. Because of how my heart ached when he pushed me away from him. That feeling was relatively new to me. And also because of the fact that he ignored what I told him about having good news for him. I found it difficult to understand.
That was the first time Kieran made me feel so unwelcome. It hurt like crazy.
I almost fell asleep there, when I heard him stumble into the room, with a bottle in his hand. It was 4 in the morning. Just about a half hour since he got home. I wiped my tears quickly, and sat up on the bed. He looked at me with an expressionless face. I looked down. I found it hard to look him in the eyes now, and I turned away.
He shocked me when all of a sudden he jerked my shoulder, and shouted, "Get out. I'm sleeping here tonight. Get out of here. MOVE. It was better here without you around.". He scowled at me.
I couldn't believe what he had just said to me. I got up in disbelief, and as I was leaving the room, Kieran stood in my way. Tears had welled up in my eyes, and I was looking down. "Please, Kieran. Move. You asked me to leave because you don't want me in here. So, I'm leaving. Let me out."
I gasped and forced my eyes shut when I saw his left arm swing in the air. I felt a sharp sting on my right cheek, and a tear rolled down from each eye. I cupped my face with my palms, and sank to the floor, in front of him, crying, and sobbing deeply.
PART 2
I lay there for a minute, and when I begin to open my eyes slowly, I see Kieran crouched in front of me, with his mouth and eyes wide open, and the blood flushed from his face. He touched my face where I was hurt, and I jerked away from him quickly because I thought he'd hit me again. I was afraid. I was completely numb, and I just couldn't get myself to look up at him.
He gasped, and caressed my face gently, and wiped away my tears. His eyes filled up with tears, and he cried. "I'm so sorry, Zoe! I'm so, so sorry! What have I done?!" Even he found it hard to believe, what he had just done.
I cried more, because the hand that was caressing me so gently now, was the same hand that slapped me so mercilessly a few moments ago.
Kieran embraced me, but I pushed him away, and whimpered, "Please leave me alone. Just let me be. Please, I beg of you...". I could see regret in his eyes. But I tend to withdraw and clam up into a shell when I'm sad, so I wanted to be left alone for some time.
Kieran held me and helped me to get up on my feet. He began walking, while supporting me, but I protested, and moved away from him, almost falling to the floor. He saved me from falling, he caught me, and carried me bridal style. I protested, but eventually stopped, because my mood was so shitty, I didn't feel like doing anything, not even walking.
So, I let him carry me, and while he carried me, I looked up at him, and wiped his tears away. He carried me to our room, and gently kissed my forehead as he sat me down carefully on the bed. I had never seen Kieran like this before. All his drunkenness disappeared. He had sobered up real fast after what just happened in the hallway.
He took my hand in his, and rubbed the back of my palm. He held it up near his lips and kissed it, for a long time. He apologized a million times. After some time, I began to shift uncomfortably on the bed. So, he helped me sit up.
He held both of my hands with his left hand. He used his right hand to gently lift my chin up, and gave me a gentle kiss on my lips. The soft kisses he gave me were very comforting. I slightly parted my lips, and he kissed me.
My head was pounding - jetlag, crying, Kieran hitting me, and also my pregnancy (that Kieran had no clue about). He slowly pulled away from the kiss a few moments later, when he felt a slightly salty taste. He looked at me, sighed, and kissed my tears away.
I felt loved, after a long time. I missed him every second of every day of the two months that we were away from each other. I had never been away from him for so long.
I hugged him tight. He hugged me back, tightening his grip around my body. He pulled me in for a tight hug, but I was a little hesitant (because it was my first pregnancy, and I didn't want anything to happen to the baby).
He pulled away slightly, and gave me a questioning look. I answered, "I have had body pain for a few days now, because of long work hours".
"Body pain? Are you okay?" I coughed a little, so, while he was asking me the question, he poured water into a glass on the nightstand, and handed it to me. I took it from him, and drank out of it slowly.
"Zo?"
I gave the empty glass back to him and said, "No Kieran, I'm not okay. After what you did out there, no. I'm not okay at all. I don't want to talk to you, or look you in the eyes. I can't...", I sobbed, while I struggled to explain myself.
He wasn't too surprised to hear me say all that. But I felt that the last part really got to him, because his face dropped when I said those things.
"I want to be alone right now..."
"Do you want me to leave the room? I came in here, and brought you along, because I'm trying to make up for my horrible mistake. But if you want me to leave the room, I will. I understand that you want to be by yourself for some time."
"No, Kieran. You can stay in here. You're going to sleep in here anyways."
"It's okay, I honestly don't mind sleeping on the couch. I will leave you alone for some time, if that's what you want."
"You can stay. I'm not asking you to leave the room. Just don't talk to me for some time, do what you normally would, do whatever you did these past two months. Pretend I'm not in the room. Simple. And I won't bother you either. Both of us can do whatever we want to, without being interrupted by each other."
"Okay, Zoe. Thank you.", he said with a small smile on his face.
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PART 3
I smiled back at him and turned around to face the other side, and tried to fall asleep.
When I was about to doze off, I felt him tucking me into bed. I opened my eyes, and he practically jumped away from me. He probably thought I was fast asleep.
I tried to hold back a laugh, but failed miserably. I giggled at how stupid he was behaving, and at how scared he was, of me, at that particular moment.
I heard him breathe a sigh of relief as I laughed. I became quiet, and scolded him, "I told you to leave me alone for some time. This is not how you pretend that I'm not in the room. But you know what? I kind of liked it when you were tucking me in. So now, whether you like it or nah, you're going to have to finish what you started."
He gave me the most adorable smile, and laughed a little. I rolled my eyes at him, and he stopped laughing at once. "Uhm. I... I’m sorry for that. I didn't mean to uhm..."
"It's okay. Don't ever repeat what you did today. Never again. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you, Zo, I'm sorry for being a jerk to you. For doing what I did. I swear I'm never doing anything like that, anything even close to that. I swear, baby. I hope you forgive me. And even if you choose not to forgive me, I'm fine with it. I'm fine with whatever you decide. But I beg you to consider giving me another chance, if you think I deserve one."
I sighed, and replied, "I need time to think about it, Kieran. It's a tricky decision."
"I know it's not an easy decision. Take as long as you want and need. I'll wait for your answer. But one thing you need to know, is that I'm going to be here for you whenever you need me, and for whatever you need me. You can beat me, punch me, kick or even slap me, say whatever hurtful thing you want to say to me. I'll bear it all.
I'll bear anything for you, anything you throw my way; as long as you forgive me, Zoey. I deeply regret what I did today and will accept any punishment that you give me. You are extremely important to me, and I just cannot risk losing you. I love you, baby, and that's never going to change. I love you, and I care about you a lot. And after doing such things that hurt you like this; I won't be able to live with myself. It will kill me on the inside. I love you. Please forgive me."
"Kierannnnn" Wow. This was far better than the apology I was expecting. I couldn't help it. I sprang at him, and threw my arms around his neck. I buried my face into the crook of his neck. We sat there hugging, for what felt like an eternity.
All the things that happened so far, were flashing back into my mind. I eventually let out a sob, and broke down.
There was complete silence. The only sound heard, was the sound of my sobs echoing across the room.
Kieran didn't say a word. Instead, he comforted me and hugged me tight - even though I told him my entire body ached due to long work hours - which wasn't entirely true.
While we hugged, he rocked the both of us back and forth. I climbed onto his lap slowly, resting my head on his shoulder. I could hear and feel his heartbeat, and it made me feel extremely close to him.
Right there, in the comfort of his lap, was where I decided that I would forgive him. I knew I had already forgiven him. Not because he kissed me, or held me tight and hugged me, or because he caressed me. But because he proved to me that he deserves another chance, a chance to make things right, and that he was the one for me.
I felt important, and loved when I was with him. (Even if it meant that I wasn't next to him physically all the time).
He made me believe that I was beautiful, that I was not worthless, that I deserved to be loved, that I mattered. And that I don't need to change who I am, for him to love me truly. But what's most important is that, he didn't just make me believe all of this. He made me feel all of it, too.
"Kieran??"
"Yeah?"
I looked up at him and lifted my face to kiss him. My neck was straining and I think that he noticed it - because he moved his hands from my waist, and shifted a little for me to get comfortable. He held my face and also turned my body slightly, so that my neck wasn't straining anymore.
He cupped my face in his hands, and he held my body dearly to himself. I felt like a pampered little princess.
I pecked him on his lips, and then he did the same. I parted my lips. We started with soft, gentle kisses. The kiss didn't feel like a lustful kiss, more like it was a kiss of love. We kissed for what felt like forever. We kissed, and we kissed, and we kissed. We kissed till we were breathless, till our lips were swollen.
I pulled away from the kiss (even though I really didn't want to), and I looked up at him.
I played with his hair as he looked down lovingly at me, and tilted his head down towards me, so I could play with his hair for as long as I wanted to. I twirled my fingers in his soft hair, and he took deep breaths every time my fingers touched his super sensitive scalp.
Then, I moved my hands to his chest. I drew idle patterns on his shirt while he played with my hair, and tucked it behind my ears. He kissed my forehead and caressed my face. I closed my eyes out of sheer, innocent pleasure.
I opened my eyes again, and saw him looking at my right cheek with a worried expression. My cheek was bruised, and slowly turning purple. Tears welled in his eyes, when he touched the bruise and I winced in pain. He had underestimated his own strength when he hit me.
He then left a gentle kiss on my cheek. It hurt when his lips touched my bruise, but it also felt good to a certain extent.
I gripped the front of his shirt with my hand, and his focus shifted from the bruise to my eyes. He gazed at my eyes, and apologized for what he did to me.
Before apologizing verbally, he did it through his eyes. This time when he made eye contact, I didn't look down, or look away. I looked him directly in the eyes.
"Kieran?"
"Mm?"
"I forgive you."
"What, seriously? Are you sure? Like, I'm seriously asking you."
"I'm one hundred percent sure. But on one condition."
"Anything for you. Tell me"
"Promise me that you'll never hit me again. Or cuss at me. Or talk to me in such a rude way. Or behave like a complete dick, like you did, today. If you do anything like that ever again, I will not give you another chance. I'd never forgive you. I will walk out of your life. Because no matter how much I love you, if you don't have respect for me and my feelings, there's no point in us being together. I will have to learn to live without you, and I know I can do it if I have to. You know that too, Kieran. Now tell me. Do you promise?"
"I promise, Zo. To abide by all the conditions, you just mentioned. To not be a jerk to you. I promise never to hurt you deliberately. Or even by mistake. I promise I will try to be on my best behaviour around you, at all times. I promise I will treat you how you deserve to be treated, like a queen. I promise to respect you, and your feelings, always. I promise to be the best husband to you. I swear. I swear on my muffins."
I giggled after he finished. I thought when he swore, he'd probably swear on someone important to him. ANYONE, ANYTHING but a muffin. When I giggled, he looked at me, with a confused expression.
I laughed again, because he made me a serious promise, and then swore on a muffin to assure to me that he would keep up the promise. I thought he was joking around. But then I realized he meant it in all seriousness. And he didn't even realize how stupid he sounded at that point.
I laughed at his innocence. My heart melted completely. This is why Kieran occupied a really special place in my heart.
I laughed till my stomach hurt. While I laughed, he gazed at me with dreamy eyes. He leant forward to kiss me, but I turned my face away. I told him to close his eyes, and he complied. Before I did anything, I took a minute to admire how gorgeous he was. I was drinking in the view.
Then I slowly leant in, and I kissed him. I kissed him till our lips were swollen. I kissed him till I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. I kissed him till I drifted away into a deep and peaceful sleep.
I fell asleep in his lap, with my head on his chest, my heartbeat synchronized with his. My legs folded up and close together. I fit snugly into his lap. It's like we're two parts of a jigsaw puzzle, that fit together perfectly. It was the most comfortable place to be.
I almost woke up to give him the good news I had for him, but I was already too far gone.