My college life journey seems being an eye opener. As we come from conservative society many issues which where shown as normal were actually a problem. I admit I was influenced by societal admiration, I was influenced by Bollywood and also influenced by Low level educated Elders. Indian society is a marsh of thoughts, where some got a changed in meaning for security purposes and others were changed because of low education. I always ran though my emotions, I always neglected everyone who tried to come close to me.
"You never have anything of you own, someone grown the seed of there thoughts, there ideas which you present as yours" a quote which I was said by my big brother once. This quote is actually have a dark truth. I was raised at my mothers village, where I have seen domestic violence, Family dispute, Sibling rivals, etc. every worst you can ever imagine. As I came at my fathers village it was a complete mirror image. I never able to feel comfortable outside people where to open talking about societal taboos and I was never able to adapt that drastic change. Because of this huge difference in the society I became an introverted personality. I remember clearly how I was always on the terrace watching mobile or in our TV room binging the shows. As an eldest son there was an huge impact on the youngers brothers forced by parents to be like me a robot. A robot programed to run at a loop always.
All thanks to covid I was forced to come out from that shell. During covid I was totally alone, thanks to beast boy shub videos I was introduced to anime world, where I heard "If there was an anime of Mahabharata it will be greatest anime of all time", and I got introduced to lord Krishna. I don't care if you believe him or not he was the first one who given me a chance to stand up. Because of him I was motivated to explore, I dared to face the change and accept myself. From that conserved foolish to becoming a person a well knowledge one was a though journey. It was always a believe that he is with me was a miracle for me even though he is not in material form his energy is always with me. I treat him like a person one who changed a life and became a God. A God is a one who have a strength to change the world. "Words creates the World" golden words spoken by Ratan Tata proven to me. The words of Bhagwat Gita changed my thinking, changed my world, and encouraged me to take a step further to explore more. I had a dream that time that Lord Vishnu had a pity on me that's why he recommended me to follow Beast Boy Shub and I thank him to be there for me.
I never had friends, because I never liked people to be around me. I was kind not enough to help 1000's. I was a fool who thought I am most knowledge one. I was egoistic who always seen others to be lower. Everything was changed once I understood what does the Hinduism means, who is the creator, preserver, and the destroyer. How universe is made and how the universe ends. Every story signifies the concept, every god is a symbol not aliens, an untold meaning which was miss interpreted by uneducated persons.
As the covid passed I had a fights with my sisters, everybody around me was unhappy because I was so far from them to cover up the distance between the Mothers bonds till Fathers freedom. I started by improving relations but for that you needed charisma. So, I worked on it. Next year I had a college and as I got into it was introduced to several personalities. At first glanced I tried to make as many friends as possible and ended up making some 10-12 folks but I cant able to gain trust. Slowly-slowly gradually I ended up meeting a girl to fight with my mindset, my past I tried to build a strong relation. And as also she was from same society seeing so much care which was not special to her, she ended up fixing a date. I always wanted a friend in opposite gender but this was going good. But, I messed up as I seen that it was her friend who was trying to convince me. As I ad pretty bad connections with her friend I felt like being played. Still she tried to make relations of us better till the end and everything ended pretty bad way. Still today I can't able to get where is she was wrong and where was I.
Time passed we had another year and because of my actions I was totally alone losing every friend of mine. But I was proven wrong, slowly I gained the trust and gain new friends. Still, I clearly remember how alone I was feeling during the freshers party, Everyone was just acting. I ran out from there and ended up at zero once again. I still tried and tried to build trust once again. I used to greet every single person personally on the morning, trying to be as useful as possible during that time. I was also trying to help me too by improving my self by a bit. Later on the day came when I got struck by cupid arrow at the AV room. There was a small function regarding "Research and development" and I never seen someone as beautiful. The attitude in her eyes was killing me deep inside, the shine on her face was like a moon at the sky, the twinkling teeth and a smile I can never forget that never in my life. And think what I messed up again, as I tried to introduce my self I just creeped her out. Then I tried to reach her and took a risk by reaching out her friends and tried every possible way. A great friend of mine use to guide me but failed marvelously. To make my self comfortable around women I tried to have conversation with as much girls as possible, I even flirted with a girl, at the end I was able to impress a classmate of her but everything was turning out to be failed because still I was very far from her very much. One day a friend of her and sort of mine to but not so connected was used to tease her at corridor. My ground was shaken and in fear I took her phone number and messaged her but as I was out of ideas I just proposed her another bullshit done by me.
Later that night she blocked me and there was a call of someone during the night time and I was sleepy
"Hello whose this" told by me in sleepy manner
"May I know whom did you messaged" said by him
"I messaged thousands of girl whom are you speaking of" told by me
"One who gives you smile but never given you attention" said by him
"Let us see this matter at college" told by me
"I am not from your college" said by him
"Still let us see it at college" told by me
"Is he is a fool" said by him
"Hang up"
Later that night was painful. I got a news he was her boyfriend. And I swear I was only cried at my life twice once my father ruthless beaten me for marks and other instance when my mother beaten me for marks. Both where physical assault and how does a robot will feel a pain. But that was a harsh reality and there where many instance who proved this words wrong and I was at constant search of truth. At the end I finally got it by the mouth of my closest friend that she ain't have a boyfriend you approach her like a fool and she didn't even know you how you expect that she will react. If those words where felt into my ears I made a friend of mine betrayer one who was guiding me but loosed the will that I can ever approach her. Many of you had a thought why I am telling you this story because during the case of truth I found things which were really shocking for me. This incident was recorded by half of college, not only by those also by our teachers, everyone where I was doing an internship, also where I was having a course of Cyber Security everyone had a eye on me and my actions and every second they had an information about what I like and what I dislike. I was released Maybe I am not that alone as think so, May be people around me loved me even though I took foolish actions, but still I am far away from them. "There was never a single simpler way to reach somewhere as I am not from that heard of sheep". Every story was way simple and had a same pattern but Mine is special. I know that it is impossible to attain her still I loved the case. I know that my teachers made my world better place to live. But everything was in vain if we see it through the lens of mob mentality. I know I have the trust of everyone and everyone love me, I know She knew that I liked her, I know that she is trying to come a step close to me but everything is in vain as we are following the mob mentality of societal.
Our society is designed to save ourselves from outer danger but the cannibal is within ourselves. Every society teaches women that the are weak but from my scenario from my lens they are literally goddess. I loved her not because of her looks, because I seen a promise of being always with me. I seen Lord Krishna himself emerging from her and now I loosed him. My first friend left me in misery after showing me a light of hope and I hope and pray that may be it a beautiful dream which was broken by daylight. I loosed everything once again and I am at zero and tried from the play, from the act. This journey thought me the "Life is beautiful but also strange from you". I will try to leave the mess now because I make it more messy, this time let the time do its work. As I became the poorest men of all time but still I will risk my wealth and my ass.