Olivia’s perspective:
Another day after my mother’s death with me asking myself, “Is today the day I end my life too?”
I have been asking myself the same question for 2 months, the worst months of my life.
I hear a knock on my door when I know that that is my maid.
“Come in”, I say with a cracked voice.
“Rise and Shine how are you my little princess”, she says with so much energy. My maid isn’t my mum, but she loves to act like it, especially when I lost mine.
“Good morning”, I say with a half smile.
“Liv, I was wondering if we can go out today to get some fresh air, what do you think”, she says with the biggest smile on her face.
Ugh I don’t want to go.
Her smile though.
“Sure, why not”, I say with a smile.
Shit.
“Perfect, I was thinking maybe Disneyland”.
“Uhhh that’s a great idea”
“I love when my little Liv hangs out with me”,
Now I don’t.
My Maid, Jessy is a very nice lady, she has taught me to move on from all the bad memories that have happened in my life. When my dad left for Italy, he crushed my heart. “I am sorry Olivia, every time I am in this house, I remember your mum, I will be leaving but I will definitely send money to you and Jessy” he said before he left. My sister left for England to go to Oxford, and I was all alone with Jessy.
My mum always told me, girls who are called Olivia get the worst luck in life. I was born on the 9.9.2001 and my mum died on the 9.9.2019, on this day she was coming home from work to celebrate my birthday, but she crashed into a bus. My mum is a great woman, she taught me the best way to do things, she was the shine in my life. I remember that day she died on, I went to the hospital waiting and waiting for her to wake up, but she never did. The only thing thst was holding my already broken heart to shatter completely was the smile on her face. Even if the smile was for another reason, my mum
Jessy is now just like my mother and father, I tell her everything, because I trust her with my whole life.
…….
Our Disneyland trip got canceled because of the weather, I was relieved. I love Disneyland but just not now. I spend every day crying on my bed, “Mum, I miss you, Mum, I miss you, Please come back” I always tell it to the sky I miss my mum more than anything right now, I can’t live this difficult life without her, she’s my best friend, secret keeper, and my therapist. I hope she watches me and is proud of me, although there’s nothing to be proud of.
9.9.2020,
I could be honest with you; I haven’t been looking forward to this day for a very long time. My birthday, my mum’s accident date, and the first day of school.
How bad can it get now?
“It’s your first day of school, my little princess, wake up and look at the world”, Jessy says.
Oh god.
Jessy knew that date is the worst, she doesn’t mention a word about it, in fact she tries to make me forget about it.
I wake up put some black clothes on and drive to school, thinking about my mum.
“Dear god, please let mum see the best heaven, I beg you, tell her that I miss her, that I love her, Amen”
A tear from mine falls on my checks, I miss her.
Today wasn’t the first day of school, it was my first day of school, I haven’t gone to school for 2 months to heal, I don’t even think I did, but I sometimes try to.
I go to school, and as expected there isn’t one person who isn’t staring at me. I look at the floor trying to avoid all the stares, coming from every single person in the school. I run.
I can’t do this anymore, way harder than I expected until I went to class. “I am very sorry I am late I missed my bus” I lie to the teacher when I enter.
“It’s okay Olivia, have a seat.”, the teacher says.
I see my best friend, but no, that’s not my best friend.
Emily?
She sees me but doesn’t bother smiling, she turns her head like I am a fly or something.
“What is going on”, I whisper.
“Is there a problem, Olivia?” The teacher asks
I ignore him and sit next to a girl I don’t know, staring at my “best friend” wondering what happened to her. At the Cafeteria I try to talk to her and see why she isn’t Emily anymore with me.
“Hey Emy, long time no seen”, I say while putting my tray next to hers and sitting down, just waiting for an answer.
“Nice, that you never asked why”, she mutters.
When she sees me staring with confusion at her face, she gives a dirty look and walks away, she sits by the popular people who treated her like shit in the past.
“Cool i guess we will never talk again”, I whisper to myself while sitting alone in the table she just left.
After school has ended, I pack my stuff, drive to my mum’s grave, which isn’t too far from the house nor the school. I pray for her and for dad, I am sure it has also been very hard for him.
I go home, just to sleep for the whole day, sleeping may seem “lazy”, but it’s what makes me forget and relax. I wake up, and I eat scrambled eggs and bacon, but Jessy seems serious.
“Hey Liv, I need to talk to you”.
“Uh, yes?”
“Liv, I love you, but I have to do this for your own safety”
Please don’t.
“Why?” I say with tears falling from my face.
“Your dad fired me”
“What, why?”
“MY dad had bad history with your dad and when he found out that I was his daughter he fired me with all his power”.
She starts crying.
I start crying.
We both cry for half an hour.
“You were the only one left, Jessy, I can’t live alone. Jessy you’re the only reason I am here right now”, I say with tears and sadness on my face and in my voice.
“I am so sorry honey, you can always call me, text me, even secretly meet me when you have time, but I can’t live with you. It’s the last thing I wanted. I love you and I always will, because you are the best little princess I know and will always know”.
“I love you Jessy”
1 day turned into 2 weeks of laying on my bed just crying and crying, I can’t stop.
I have no one, absolutely no one.
I try to call my dad and my sister, but no one answers.
Today I was forced to go to school, because of my many missed assignments, during my math lesson many thoughts run through my head.
I mostly think about my mum, but not about how I miss her, but about how I will meet her..
I never get this thought but now it’s more than ever, how easy will life be, how no one will care and notice.
And oh, shit it’s in my head.
Committing Suicide.
I try convincing myself why there is a reason for me to live but there isn’t, I have no one to tell it to.
I drive home trying to think of reasons why I should live, my head is running with thoughts.
Bad thoughts.
I am scared, I don’t want to hurt anyone with my decisions, but I don’t feel like I belong in this world. I don’t deserve this world. I will never be happy here, even my best friend, my ultimate inspiration, the one person I trust the most, left, and never wants to see me again.
I am all alone now, with no one, no family, no friends, just me and myself in one big house.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s getting worse instead of better.
I go to school thinking it will get better, but it’s getting even worse. The smile on Emily’s face when she’s around her other friends, telling them the jokes I used to tell her, her laugh that I made, without me she would never be this happy. She forgot about all these things that I did for her, the good times, the times when I was the only one left for her. Now it’s my turn and she isn’t here.
In the Cafeteria I try to text her, maybe she’s embarrassed of me, but it turns out that she blocked me on all social media. Did my mother death affect to the fact that she doesn’t want me? She is supposed to support me through all this, but she clearly wants to tarnish me a lot more. For some reason I feel like she will always have a place in my heart, even if she hates my guts.
I go home, alone, feeling empty and quiet. There’s no one at home,
As usual.
I sometimes try to convince myself that living alone is special, no one complains, very quiet and peaceful but so far it hasn’t worked. I miss the people who made me feel alive. I arrive home, with no hope, but today it was extra bad.
I am sitting down on my desk writing the schedule for the biggest event of my life, where it all ends, where Olivia Lopez isn’t a person but a memory. I write a letter for each and every loved one I know. Even Emily.
I write everything I dealt with, the things that they never got to see, and why my decision is the best for me. They won’t care, I know they won’t. Today is the 5.8.2020.
And weirdly I make the decision that I will take this big step of my life on the 9.9.2020. I rethink this date over a million times, it’s a really big deal.
All I know is that not everyone has to be happy in this world, we can be happy somewhere else, and I certainly am not happy here and will never be. So 9.9.2020 at 11 am will be the date where I am relieved. I know my mum isn’t proud of me, but this isn’t for her, it’s for me.
Growing up I used to watch many movies with my parents about people committing suicide, and I used to be against it, 100% against it. My parents convinced me that it’s wrong, they promised me that in my future life, they won’t let me have a reason to end my life. Now I know that they broke a promise, because when my dad fired Jessy, he knew that I would be all alone. He knows I love mum, him and Kate and I could never live a life without them, it’s now really obvious to me that he doesn’t care, if he did care, he would at least call me to show that he supports any of my feelings.
Days past with me rethinking my decision, I go to school everyday with everyone thinking that “I am alright”. I go to my therapist and act like “I am getting better” and that I am alright. I call Jessy on the Phone and tell her that “I am alright”. But I really am not alright.
Days became weeks and when a month finally past and it’s the 9.9.2020, I feel goosebumps, I feel scared for the life that I will end, feeling bad for the mother that gave me birth. Maybe I will meet her soon.
I open the fridge to get a cupcake, I put a candle on it and whisper happy birthday to me. I am officially 18, I can do so much with my life. Get my driver’s license, go partying in clubs, date hot guys, I can even get married and have children, but I’ve decided to take the easy path, that will make me a happier person somewhere else and for the first time I so don’t care what the other people will say. I don’t care if my classmates will talk about how weak I am to end my life or if the whole school will spread rumors about me and about my personal life.
I don’t go to school today, I decide to organize my goodbye letters to everyone, I put them on my desk so that if Jessy or Tiffany come by, they will pick them up. I clean the house very nicely so that if they want to sell it then it’s there for them. I try not to care about the afterlife that everybody will have after I am not there anymore, it’s none of my business. I drive to Saint. John’s mountain, which is the highest mountain in California, it has some of suicidal attempts and deaths and many movies have been filmed there.
I stare at it when I arrive.
My life will be over. Here.
The clock hits 11 am on the 9.9.2020, I am on top of the mountain, but I am not ready to do it.
I decide to close my eyes and let the memories flow in my mind.
From the time I was born, to when my mother passed away, to when my sister and my dad left me alone to when my maid saying goodbye, to when Emily choosing a life, she wants to live in without me. And then good memories start flowing in my head, from the time I got accepted in middle school and then it’s pitch black. My mind is blank, and my eyes can only see pitch black.
There are no more good memories.
I open my eyes and try to put my toe on the stone.
But for some reason I get a call and it’s from my English teacher, Mr. William.
Fuck.
I remember that it’s my birthday today.
MR. WILLIAM’S Perspective:
I call Olivia to wish her a happy birthday, she’s one of my ultimate favorite students. Hearing all these incidents in her life makes me always feel bad for her.
“Hi Mr. William”, she says loudly since there is so much wind, and sand.
Wind and sand?
“Olivia Where are you?”, I scream.
“I am sorry Mr. William; I can’t do it in this world anymore”
Oh shit.
I call the police and the ambulance to Saint John’s Mountain in California. It has most of the suicidal deaths that I know.
They arrive.
I arrive.
“OLIVIA DON’T”, I scream louder than I ever did.
“I can’t do this anymore; I love you and I love everyone in that class, but I can’t”.
Her toe is just about to slip the stone on the rock, just when the police save her, and oh goodness my heart is finally beating again.
She tries to fight the police and fall back to end her life, but I guess the police spent too much time in the gym to get these muscles.
I finally see Olivia’s face when she turns around, and oh my days tears, tears and tears are running down her face, I have never seen anyone cry this much.
“Olivia”, I say running to hug her and surprisingly I start crying too.
“Why did you do this, it will hurt me even more, i need to end this life, I suffer everyday…..”, she yells and goes on and on about the same thing.
The polices come to me and asks her for her ID, any relatives and Olivia revealed something no one knew. Her Dad and her sister both left?
She lives alone.
We decide that she will live with her personal therapist, which is glad me, because a girl like her doesn’t deserve to go through all of that alone, alone with no one at her house. I drive Olivia to her therapist’s house and tell her to stay home for as long as she’s healthy again. On the way I give her some words of wisdom.
“Just, remember that in this world, there’s always a reason for everybody to live, you might think that life stops here and that you don’t belong here but later in life you will know that I was right. No matter how bad life gets you must keep going, you are brought into this world to stay until it takes you out”, I tell her this quote out of my heart, I hold back my tears, but hers just keep running and running down
“I know how hard it is for you, harder than most of people’s lives but you have to promise me that you will keep going, just for me, live Olivia, you won’t regret it, I can promise you that”
“Mr. William, I will try my hardest, thank you”, she says wiping the whole ocean that’s on her face.
“Is it true your dad left too?”, I ask trying not to look too curious.
She stares down at her feet with disappointment, “Yes he did, he left for Italy, and my sister left to England a few months ago”.
“It’s okay, um see Olivia me as a teacher I need to contact him and talk to him. He as a father is not responsible and very unprofessional, if he doesn’t come from Italy to check up on you, he might end up in prison, whether he likes it or not” I tell her, but she doesn’t respond. After 30 minutes of driving, we finally reach the house and I drop her off at the front door.
“Thank you, Mr. William, my life will keep going just for you”, she smiles but I can tell that it’s fake.
She will heal, I hope she does.
Back to Olivia’s Perspective:
Why did I ever answer Mr. William’s call, it will never happen now.
My therapist is shocked, I don’t blame her, I never told her anything about this, of course she’s worried.
“Olivia, I won’t yell at you, but I am very mad at you. It’s my job to know everything that is going on in your life”, she says loudly.
“You know…”, and here we go again, she will keep going on and on about why life is good. Although I hate these words, when Mr. William said them, they honestly hit hard.
It’s hard to think that Mr. William cares about me more than my father had for the past 17 years of my life.
“I am sorry I didn’t tell you”, I say for the 100th time to my therapist.
“Do you hate me so much”, she gasps
“No why would you think so?”
“I get paid for your mental health, but you clearly don’t talk to me”
“How do you want me to tell you that I was going to fucking kill myself, you are a no one to tell me what to do and what to say”, I scream, and the silence begins.
I regret what I say again.
I put all my anger out on her, it’s all my fault, it’s always my fault.
Even the one person that cares, I am a disappointment to them, I hate myself. I hate the way I treat people. She doesn’t want to speak to me, so she points at the bed that I will sleep on, and she puts the blanket on me.
Why did I tell her she was a no one? Why am I hurting others?
I am putting all the shit that I have been going through on them, I was never like this.
“I am sorry Tiffany; it was very rude of me to say this, please forgive me. I was wrong”, I beg for forgiveness.
“It’s okay honey, you can yell at me whenever you want, take your whole anger out on me. This is what I am here for. Talk to me, Liv. I am always here for you”.
I start crying.
“Goodnight”, she tells me, and I fall asleep, but I could feel the tears she had on her face.
“Rise and shine”, I hear someone by the door.
That can’t be Tiffany
“Jessy”, I yell and run to hug her.
“I missed you my little princess”, she tells me, but she knows I missed her way more.
“Oh honey, I heard what happened, please- “
“I know what you will say, I heard it a million times yesterday”, I interrupt.
“Anyways I have got a surprise for you”, she says with a huge smile on her face.
She held out some Disneyland tickets. Although I am very sad, I miss Jessy and I need to talk to my best friend. I hugged her and we both start crying.
“Hopefully it doesn’t get cancelled this time”, and both of us laugh.
I never talked so much in my life, talking with Jessy is better than any therapy in this world, I love her so much. We talked we ate, she made me feel like I am alive, like I am someone that should live.
She drops me off late to Tiffany’s house and that’s when I see the big surprise, the one person I never thought would come. I blink twice just to see her, it’s Kate, my older sister, and my favorite person. Kate is only 2 years older than me, throughout our lives we were best friends, she told me everything and I told her everything. When she left, she took with her the last bit of my heart and ripped it off. I run and hug her with tears all over my face.
She cries.
I cry.
We both cry.
“I missed you so much”, she says with a cracked voice, but I don’t reply.
After we were done with all the emotions, I said goodbye to Jessy, and Tiffany after I found out that I was going back to my house with Kate.
We enter the house, and I get goosebumps, I get scared.
I take one look at the living room, and I run out of my house, this house is where my sadness stayed, where I cried everyday about different people, where I took a big step of my life, where I was
Alone.
Kate doesn’t get it, she doesn’t know how it feels and how it felt when I was at this time. She was living her beautiful life in England and never had to worry about me or my life.
The next morning, I am in my bed and my sister is in the other room.
“I am not alone anymore”, I whisper myself with a smile on my face.
Kate and I aren’t biological sisters, she was adopted from my parents 2 years before I was born because my grandma wanted an adopted kid. My mum never wanted her. So when grandma died they finally had the daughter they wanted. Me. Life used to be great except for the fact that, my mum hated my sister, whenever she bought me clothes, she would never buy Kate anything. She once held a knife at her face and she kicked her out a few times too, which is part of the 10% of why I think my mum was kind of weird. Kate avoided talking about mum all the time, I think it made Kate who she is today, a strong, powerful woman, so I like I always say...
If someone treats you bad you accept it.
I think.
Apart from all this, my dad loves my sister, in fact he was convinced to adopt her, which makes me thrilled. Anyway, my sister is all fine now, she sometimes gets really jealous when she sees all the pictures I have in the house of mum.
“Good morning, Liv”, she comes to my room, waking me up with a smile on her face and breakfast tray in her hands.
“Good morning”, I say with a yawn.
“When are you going back to school?”, she asks.
“I don’t know yet but I will go whenever I feel recovered about it”, I answer
I hear a knock on the door and I run to get it, but I am surprised by who it is.
“Olivia, I need to talk to you, but promise me that this won’t affect your life”,
What the hell is Tiffany doing at my door.
“Do you want me to make you some tea”, I offer but she doesn’t reply.
She sits down and when my sister sees how serious the news are, it feels like she is trying to avoid it so she runs to her room. And soon I know it’s either about my mum or my dad.
“Did you get the email back from my dad on when he’s coming to California”, I start the conversation.
“See, your dad did answer and it looks to me like he will never be able to visit you here in California, because… because”, she stutters.
“He wants to give you up for adoption, but since you’re an adult now you can live alone, the sad part is that he went and changed your birth certificate, so your middle name is now named after my husband and not by him”
“Did he give up on Kate too”, I whisper
She’s silent.
Fuck.
“Well this is very complicated, but I will try to explain it to you. Now your father had you with your mother, and since he wanted nothing to do with your mother, which I think it’s because of something she did in the past, so it means that he doesn’t want you too, but now since your sister was never close with your mother and she’s really close to him, he wants to keep her”
And suddenly the world is silent.
I hear nothing, but the sound of pain. I see nothing but white and black that are flashing every second in my head. My head drops onto the ground, and all I can think of is death.
“Olivia, Olivia, Olivia”, I hear a voice, which sounds more like a yell.
I open my eyes and just when I glance at Kate, I pretend like she isn’t there, I pretend like all of the 16 years we spent together, in the same bedroom were a dream, When I look at Tiffany, I must blink twice.
“Tiffany, what the hell are you doing”, I yell, but she continues trying to squeeze a lemon in my eye.
“They say when you squeeze lemons on nauseous people’s eyes, it helps them to wake up more”, she says, but I nod with sarcasm and run to my room to avoid both of them.
For the first time I try not to worry myself, all I know is that my dad is an asshole, he could either only care about himself or one daughter. And the only bad thing is that that daughter is the adopted one, he never wanted me, I am sure he never did, he was fine with one child, he was fine with Kate and not me. All I want is for my mum to be alive and witness what her husband has been doing to me, he doesn’t deserve her, my mum was nothing but an incredible lady that every man wanted to have.
I try to sleep, but the thought doesn’t get off my mind, the thought of how my own father is trying to do anything to make me upset, the thought of how my own sister, who “feels bad” for me isn’t standing up to tell him to not do that. If she was a good sister, she would have changed her birth certificate too, because I will never forget the promise, she made me in middle school: “I promise that whatever happens we will stay sisters with the same middle name, and at least live in the same state”. How bad will I look when I go back to school and people ask me why my middle name is “Hunter” .
I hear a knock on my door and it’s Kate, I stare at her waiting for an explanation of why she’s holding a luggage and a travel backpack, but I knew damn well why. A tear falls from my face.
Accidently.
“You broke the promise”, now a lot of tears fall, but she holds hers back and just casually nods. She nods like I told her to get me something to drink, she has no emotion about it, about all the hurtful stuff she has done since she came here.
“What is all this for”, I point at the luggage, but she takes a deep breath.
“I am moving back to Italy, your nanny Jessy is going to come back to work here, there’s no more point of me living here, when I know that you hate me with all your heart, you just don’t want to admit it. I am sorry I broke my promise, but you don’t have to get everything in life. Your mother was an evil creature, maybe not to you but she hurt me. A lot. You know nothing about her and the secrets she’s hiding from only you”.
I can’t take it anymore, so all I do is get all the words I had on me.
“All you did since you came here had hurt me, you first come not knowing why you did, then you agree with my dad to change my birth certificate, but oh wait you play the victim and claim the excuse that you didn’t like my mother or that I don’t need to get everything in life. My mother is a great person, who did nothing but care about me, you should be so thankful she adopted you, she could’ve easily said no, and you would be homeless on the streets, so you better shut your mouth about my goddamn mother. I know you were hurt from her, but it’s now not fair to scar me too, you left a scar in me that would never heal. Now go, close the fucking door and continue your amazing life and forget about the girl who used to be your sister like you did for the past three years. Maybe next year you will find me gone, bet that what you want”
The words stun her, but she does what I told her to do and walks out of the door, but this time my words hurt, I know they did.
I finally take the nap I’ve wanted.
12 hours.
That could’ve been longer, if Jessy didn’t rush to my room with a big, white cake that says “I am back, my little princess” on it. I teared up a bit, because of the way she always remembers me and knows exactly what I like and what I don’t. I hug her until the tears finally stop. “Well, go take a fresh shower until I cut the cake and make you a delicious strawberry smoothie”, she says, knowing well enough that strawberry smoothies are my favorite.
-
Few weeks have passed since Kate left, and in a million years I never expected myself to say this, but I think I moved on from everything and everyone. I am as happy as I was with my parents, I stopped giving a fuck about the people who hurt me, in fact I forgot about these people. I did so many stuffs in my life afterwards, that I started forgetting how hard life was a week ago, my life is now busy. With friends that like me, with Jessy and Tiffany, and clubs and trainings every week. I signed for a few colleges, but the one I am hoping I got accepted in is Princeton, I want Harvard too, but I hope Princeton is the one. Luckily this will be my last year before college, last year before I graduate from high school.
When I was 10, I used to always watch valedictorians do their speeches Infront of the whole school, making jokes and looking so pretty, I always wanted to get picked as one of them. My grades were excellent in my high school journey, but valedictorians also get picked for their determination for school, or how social their life is. I guess my communication skills were always good but after my mum passed away, I was just very quiet, maybe it had something to do with Emily disappearing.
The first thing I remember to do after this recovery is going back to school.
“Rise and shine, are you ready for school or not?”, Jessy wakes me up and expects me to say no.
“Actually, I am, I am ready”, she gasps, she looks proud, but so am I.
I make sure that I come late so I can avoid all the stares, and luckily no one is in the school hall.
I stand in front of my class door, with the good and bad flashbacks in my head, with all the pain I went through for the past years, me standing here is a proud moment. I am Olivia again. “I survived”, I whisper to myself. Luckily, it’s English class, meaning Mr. William is teaching so I could give him the gift I bought him. Of course, he deserves it, he saved me.
Even my own father couldn’t do that, he’s living the dream life, with his new wife in Italy not giving a single fuck about his daughter. I take all the negativity out of my mind, just so I could be in my proud moment again. I start getting nervous, but with my shaky hand I knock on the door and go in.
“Hello Mr. William, would you mind if I talk with you outside, please?”
“Of course, Liv”, he says.
I get shocked that he called me by my nickname, so does the whole class.
We go out and I give him his little present, which was red flowers in a plastic bag around, which had mini chocolates and card in it. I cried a lot writing this card, Mr. William especially is a very sensitive person, so he starts tearing up the second he finishes reading it.
Dear Mr. William,
For the past months, that you didn’t see me in, I went through a lot, the same thought couldn’t get out of my mind. Every time I just think about it, I always remembered your words and my promise that I made you. My sister hurt me a lot when she came by to visit, but right when I felt alone, I wrote in my journal reasons why I deserve to live. Youtaught me to do this, you taught me to appreciate living, and how to live healthy. Mr. William, you saved me. I was never going to be here today, being proud of myself.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you that you cared about me instead of all the people who left me. Thank you that you showed me the point in life. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and what you did. I am also writing you this, to tell you that my promise will never be broken. I will never end my life with my own hands because of some deaths or some sadness.
I will never forget what you did and how you helped me.
You showed me love more than my dad ever did, and thanks you for that❤️
~Olivia Lopez, your student.
“Wow, Olivia, I am proud of you”, he proudly says and both of us go in class.
My eye catches one person, and one person only.
Emily.
We stare but we don’t talk. “I don’t care anymore”, I whisper.
I smile at Mr. William while he starts teaching again. I guess school isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, maybe it’s because I don’t talk at all, but I wish I could though.
Everyone knows my story now, it was spoken on TV and written in the newspaper. Although I didn’t care when I was on top of Saint John’s Mountain but now I hate how weak I look in front of my whole school, maybe even my whole town.
Do people hate me?
The director calls me out of class, and I get nervous.
“Hey Liv, you are not in trouble don’t worry, but can you do me a favor?”
Why did he just call me Liv?
“Anything”, I smile.
“Um, your parallel class is learning about...”, she stutters.
“Oh god”, I think
“They are learning about committing Suicide and since they all know you, the teacher and I thought that it’s a good idea for you to present your story”
Shit.
“Sure, I think it’s a great idea too”, I say.
“Perfect, I will send you the details on mail”
It turns out that I only have 2 days to prepare for that “presentation” about my story, but it doesn’t need preparation it only needs honesty and emotion. I am looking forward to it, to teach people a lesson for their future.
Their ethics teacher is the one who requested me, so when I come into their class, she is very welcoming. “Okay guys, this is Olivia Lopez presenting her suicidal attempt story”, she explains.
“It started when I lost my mother in a car accident 2 years ago, she was the only light in my life, but after her death my life dropped down to a 0”, I start my presentation like this and keep going.
While I am presenting, I focus on the people in this class, I notice that all the girls are listening very well. Some are even taking notes, but all the boys are distracted in other stuff, only 1 isn’t, he wouldn’t take his eyes off me, he has these ocean blue eyes that are staring through my soul. I anyway explain every single detail that happened after my mum’s death, that boy just keeps staring, I wonder if he ever blinks, but while I am presenting, I stare at him too. He’s brunette and his smile is gorgeous, he looks popular, but still very nice. Although I don’t know him, he gives me a lot of comfort, he makes me feel safe, somehow. “But again, today, and now I tell myself, that there’s a reason for me and you to live, you might not notice it now, but you will. Give it time and you will find a lot of reasons. I came here today to show you guys that although life felt like a 0 and like shit to me, I kept going, kept breathing and healing and found that it’s not so bad after you give it time. Thank you for listening”, I end my presentation with these last lines. Everyone stands up and claps, a girl even starts tearing, everyone is clapping, it’s loud.
Very loud.
“Olivia that was amazing, thank you”, the teacher says.
The bell rings and it surprises me that I’ve been talking for over an hour, I go out finally getting some fresh air and open my locker. I get my history books and when I close it, I gasp.
The ocean blue eyes boy.
“What the fuck”, I whisper.
It seems like I hate him, but I am not too mad he came.
“Sorry I scared you, hi I am Cem”, he holds a hand out to me.
“Olivia”, I shake his hand.
“I have been going through something like what was going with you, my dad surprisingly died on the same date your mother has passed away on. But he was my hero and best friend. I thought a lot about killing myself especially after my brothers have left for university and my stepmom was just really mean. So, I ran away from that house and lived with my aunt, but I always missed my family that I lived with most of my life”, he explains.
“Woah, I am so sorry you went through all of that”, I hug him because I feel bad, I am still surprised of how quick he opened up to me. Maybe what I went through wasn’t as bad as his, but he does definitely have many friends who know everything about him. I do not have that.
“It’s not your fault, change of topics, um so what’s your favorite food?”.
“Olives, they are so delicious”, I laugh a bit.
“Close to your name, I will call you Olives from now on.
“Oh, hell no”, we both laugh
After a bit of silence, he finally talks.
“Um, are you free this Saturday night? Maybe we could go to the cinema, that new movie just came out”
“What’s its name?”, I ask feeling like I am so dry.
“The Deal”, he answers.
“Oh, I read the book for that, but why not watch the movie”, I giggle although it wasn’t funny.
He writes his number on a piece of paper and gives it to me, so is that like a date or just a hangout.
I’m 18 years old and have gone on many different dates in my life, not a single one has asked me to be their girlfriend, I have never been attracted or in love with anyone that much. Cem seems really nice, his eyes are pretty, he gets what I was going through and for some reason I just feel safe around him, even though I was only around him for an hour. But is this how love feels like, am I in love?
But I am definitely happy.
I make some tea and all I think about is him, why did he do that?
He’s way cooler and more popular than me, the only thing I have that he doesn’t is that I am smart, and I am sure he isn’t.
I hear a pop sound from my phone and it’s from Cem.
Fuck I forgot to text him.
How did he get my number.
Cem
Hey Olive, you’re still down for Saturday night? You didn’t call so I thought you forgot. It’s anyway at 9 pm, and we will meet at 8:30 infront of the tacowail cinema. See ya!
Olive? That was so hot.
Hot. Hot. Hot.
It takes me 15 minutes to find the right thing to text him.
Me
Hey Cem, I’d love to. 9pm it is.
Can’t wait!
I realize that the tea pot is still on after the water started going everywhere.
“Shit”, Jesse says from behind me.
“I am so sorry, this is so my fault”, I tell her and make everything good again.
Jesse laughs until she sees the message that popped on my phone.
“Okay little girl, I see you texting some boys, who is that?”, she says
“Um let’s go to the room there’s a lot you need to catch on” we go to the room and we don’t come out for another 3 hours, I missed her a lot when I was living alone, talking with her is honestly just free therapy.
The day came Saturday evening and me going out with Cem, 13-year-old me would never believe I am going out with someone who I actually like.
It takes me 30 minutes to plan the outfit, but now I finally have it, a red blouse with some high waist jeans and high shoes since he’s pretty tall, not too much makeup but still a bit and a white cross bag.
“Perfect”, I go to the window to pray for my mum and for god to help me out.
I’ve only met this boy once, he doesn’t know anything about me apart from my favorite food, I’m afraid he’s going to hate my personality when he gets to actually know it, but I think I will like his. After I looked at my mirror and got some confidence, I get in my car and drive to the tacowail cinema, the smile on my face couldn’t fade the whole car ride.
“Hey”, I hear a voice from behind me and I immediately know it’s him.
I turn around and say hi too, we walk there, and he pays for my tickets.
“You really didn’t have to do this”, I whisper after he paid so that he wouldn’t change his mind and let me pay. He smiles, knowing I didn’t want to pay that much.
I try to pay for popcorn and a drink, but he puts my wallet down and pays for both of us.
Why on hell is he so nice.
Is this what every date should be like?
After the many thoughts that were running through my head we finally went to the theater.
30 minutes later…
I am bored.
He’s bored.
He knows I’m bored, and I know he’s bored, but we stay quite.
I suddenly feel skin on my hand.
Shit. It’s his hand.
On my hand.
I slowly slide my hand in his and I feel safe.
I feel the type of safe where I forget all the bad stuff that have ever happened to me, maybe because his hands are really warm, but then I remember that I barely know this guy. It’s just a guy the I talked to for 10 minutes, but I’ve never felt safer with anyone else.
The movie ends.
Finally.
It was just like the book but less details, I definitely like books more than movies, they make me feel like I am in another world. Movies are just scenes that I know are fake because people act it and sometimes the actors aren’t even good at it. I don’t think I will ever have the guts to tell that to Cem.
We sit at a café to talk and get to know each other.
“So what college are you planning on going to?”, I ask to see if he’s a smart guy or not.
“I applied for Princeton and Yale”.
I just gasp, a guy like him is so smart?
He’s confused by my reaction.
“Well I thought it’s a surprise because I also applied for Princeton, but also Harvard”,.
“Harvard?”, I nod, and he’s impressed.
We talk for 2 hours, and I got to know him well and he’s one of the best people I ever met.
I felt so comfortable speaking with him, telling him all about me and my life and surprisingly he was interested. His life used to be basic too, just the deaths that flipped it around, he seems grateful for anything, which makes me like him more.
I go home and tell Jessy everything, she gets jealous sometimes because I’m only 18 and I am already on a date, she’s 27 and doesn’t even have a boyfriend. While she goes on and on about how sad her life is, I check my phone and start screaming and jumping up and down.
“What happened what happened?”, Jessy starts jumping too.
“He asked me to be his girlfriend”
We both scream and cheer, what is happening to my life?
“I am going to bake a cake for this celebration”, she runs to the kitchen before I tell her not to.
The worst problem of all, is what do I say?
“Jessy, I don’t know what response to him”, I say with disappointment.
“Tell him, YESSS I WOULD LOVE TO”,
Jessy is definitely not the right person to ask.
“But does that mean I am going to have the teenager relationships that girls dream to have. Will he take me on trips and will we dance in the snow. Maybe we can go to New York and have children”.
“You’re being a bit too excited, just reply to him first”, Jessy lowers my energy.
Me:
I would love to, you’re great person by the way!
“That’s too boring”, Jessy thinks she knows everything about dating, but she really doesn’t.
“Goodnight, Jessy”, she smiles while I go to bed.
In the cafeteria, Cem waves for me to come sit by him and I smile, because I have never had a real guy wanting me to sit by him. I look back and I see Emily already staring, she looks away when Cem rolls his eyes at her to shut her up. “You don’t need to hate her because of me”, I whisper to him.
“Oh don’t worry, I’ve always hated her”, he whispers back and I smile.
Today we are signing year books, since we are 3 weeks away from graduating, moments like these make me feel special, especially that Cem was beside me.
“Olivia Lopez, please head to the headmaster’s office”, the speakers call out my name and I get scared.
Very scared.
“Hello Olivia, have a seat”
the headmaster welcomes me in and I shake his hand.
“It’s nothing to be scared of. You got picked to be our valedictorian for this year, congratulations”, he announces, but I was too stunned to thank him.
“It’s not too hard, you will just write a speech about whatever you want to talk about”, he explains.
“Thank you, a lot, I will work on the speech, thank you again”.
I am in shock, real shock, I will archive my 10-year-old dream, I will be one of the people she used to be watching. Only if mum was here, to see me, but I will tell her from my window, she will hear me. I quickly call Cem right when I get out of school, but before I even do, he’s right behind me.
“I was about to call you, because I have a surprise”, I tell him, knowing how much he hates surprises.
“When they called me to the headmaster office, it was because I am the valedictorian this year”, I say while jumping mini jumps. “No, you are not, that’s the best news I’ve heard”, he carries me and we start cheering. “Do you know how you will write the speech?”, he scares me more.
“No, it’s hard but I will figure it out”, I forget about the speech and just cheer myself, I am chosen for something I’ve been dreaming of.
Of course, when I told Jessy, she cried her eyes out for more than half an hour, and even when I tried to stop her, she wouldn’t. My speech is something I don’t need help with, because with what I have been going through for the past years explains everything.
Jessy and I went for a whole shopping spree to get my prom and graduation dresses, which certainly made her really happy, she likes to spend money on stuff I sometimes don’t understand. My prom dress was plain dark green, which brought my green eyes out, and my graduation dress was just normal black dress.
Jessy made me try on the dresses every day, to make sure that they won’t be too small, I agree with her, I honestly ate a lot in that last week.
But today is the day I graduate, get my diploma, and move to college. I take Jessy and Tiffany with me to the graduation, Cem meets us there and takes us to our booked seats. The amount of people is insane, the whole school with their parents and some have more. I start to get nervous, so Jessy hugs me and tells me that it will be alright. Every student goes in the line to shake the teachers’ hands and then we sit in the front.
“I would like to introduce our valedictorian of Phillips Acdemy Andover of 2020, this lady is the hardest working, encouraging, nicest student I have seen and have heard of. Please welcome Olivia Lopez”, the headmaster introduces me. And I go to read my speech.
“First of all, I would like to congratulate the students of the class of 2020. Thank you to all the teachers who helped me move on and encouraged me to keep going, thank you to all my friends that stood by my side through it all, and of course thank you to the headmaster, without you, we wouldn’t be here today-“
While I am presenting my eyes glaze at one person and one person only.
The ocean blue eyes boy.
He’s staring through my soul, but at least this time I know his name. Cem. I get déjà vu from the time I was presenting in his class.
“For the past few years, I have been struggling with all the incidents that most of you know about. At this time, I thought that my life wouldn’t continue without these close people to me, but I was wrong. These close people never cared about my feelings, but only one person did. Jessy. Jessy has been my “nanny” since I was born, but when I was all alone in that one big house, she took the role of being a mom and a dad, she was and is my ultimate inspiration, my best friend, and hero. You know why I would call Jessy my hero? Because she saved me, when no one thought I could be saved. Thank you, Jessy and to everyone that helped me get to where I am today” and for a few seconds I stare at the audience to see Jessy crying and crying, tiffany and her husband in tears, I cry a little bit just seeing them there.
I go to the backstage and I find them all, I run and hug Jessy for 10 minutes and we both cry, until she whispers, “You did it, my big princess, you deserve it, you deserve everything that life will reward you”
And I cry even more. I go back on stage to receive my diploma; I’ve never been happier. I sit next to Jessy waiting for Tiffany to get out of the school bathroom, until all of a sudden, I feel a hand tapping on my shoulder, knowing that it’s probably Cem.
And my fucking jaw dropped.
I see her every day at school, but this is the first time in 2 years we have stared in each other’s for more than 2 seconds.
“Look I really need to talk to you”, Emily tries to take me for a talk, but I am certainly not ready for this. All I want to do is celebrate it, I worked hard enough for some good time, but I still go to talk to her, just out of curiosity. I know that she came to talk to me because her other friends left her.
“I am really sorry for the way I ignored you, I just thought you needed alone time, without me bothering, but I was clearly wrong. You needed me, and I let it go. You have total right not to forgive me, I was a total bitch, but I promise I changed, I worked on myself to change”.
Her other friends definitely left her, but I am not going to be a yes man and forgive her.
“I need to now focus on my future, I gave you many chances and you know you blew them off, I don’t need youanymore, I have my own thing now. I am going to Princeton or Harvard, I have a boyfriend, I have friends who love me, and I don’t think they will do what you did to me. I am sorry, but I don’t have time for this. It was good talking to you Emily”, I leave and pretend like she was a fly, just like what she did to me that day.
I am not sad about Emily, I am relieved, that I explained her the position I am right now, the fact that I don’t think we can be friends like we used to. I would be embarrassed if someone rejected me like that to be honest, but she hurt me and that’s a thing she should be way more embarrassed for.
Cem waits for me outside with red roses and a congratulation card with it, I wonder how he got enough time to get the roses, since he also graduated today.
“I am so proud of you”, he kisses me, and we go for a walk.
“I am proud of you too”,
I feel a lot more special than I am supposed to feel.
“But that speech you spoke was so heartwarming, I was about to cry”, he says but I just smile, because he’s right.
“I was thinking we could go to have dinner at Givionnas tonight to celebrate our graduation and our diplomas”.
Givionnas?
It’s the most expensive restaurant in town, am I this special?
“Come on, what do you say?”
He tries to convince me, although I am 100% convinced.
“7 pm tonight?”, I ask.
He nods and we go back to the school to say goodbye to our friends, the first person I go to say goodbye to is Mr. William, I mean who else would I want to say goodbye to.
“Hey Olivia, congratulations, your speech was amazing, good job”, he says before I do. “Thank you I am really going to miss you, and thank you a lot, for everything you have done for me”, I shake his hand.
“Of course, take care Liv”. I say goodbye to my other friends and go home to get ready for my little “date” with Cem. It surprises me that we have been dating for 6 months, half a year, it feels like I just went to the cinema with him yesterday.
Half year!
I decide today that I will wear my red dress, it’s really fancy and that’s what you need for dinners like these. Jessy helped me to pick it out and she even did my makeup, she forces me to wear my graduation hat, but that’s just too stupid, I can’t go to givionnas with that hat.
I go to my window and pray to my mum, but a stupid pigeon is on my window hanger so I can’t open the glass, because the damn bird will get in. I decide to pray for my mum on another night and tonight I should just focus on myself and the way I behave, because sometimes when I am too excited, I end up doing something stupid. Jessy gives me “some” advice on how to act on dates, because in her perspective going on dates can be really difficult, she always tells me about how awkward dates have went with her, which really scares me for some reason.
“Good luck honey, and make sure you don’t chock on the food you eat, also make sure that he pays for the food, and not you”, she tries to help me. “I got it, don’t worry”, I tell her and head off to the most expensive restaurant in town. While I am in the car, I get a call from an unknown number.
“Hello? This is Olivia”, I begin.
“Hi Olivia, I am your grandmother Suzie”.
The grandmother that wanted to adopt Kate.
“Oh Hi, it’s nice to finally talk to you again”,
I try to be nice, but that’s the last thing I want to do, and she knows it.
“I want to congratulate you on your graduation, that speech was wholesome honey”,
How did she know about it?
“Thank you very much, but how did see it”, I just need to know.
“It’s on TV everywhere, in every state, everyone knows about it”.
Shit.
Why do all my stories have to be known by everyone in this world.
“Well Olivia, go celebrate and I am going to definitely see you one day. Maybe you should come visit me one day”, she tries to invite me.
“Thank you, I will call you when I have free time”,
I am hopefully never doing that.
but what hurts me the most is just thinking about how Kate and her dad definitely saw the speech, but never thought about making a single phone call, which would take a minute from their “really scheduled” time to congratulate me. It also would have been nice if they could’ve reached out to the girl who used to be a part of their family one time, but I guess they will forever be ignorance. The fact that I celebrated every good thing that have ever happened to Kate, but now when it’s my turn, she forgets I even exist.
I get out of my car and see Cem pointing at the table that he has booked, it’s so fancy.
Cem’s perspective:
She sits down, looking fancy and elegant, she always looks good. Especially in school, when she has those glasses on, it always looks good on her.
“How are you?”, I ask.
“I am great, I was celebrating this whole thing with Jessy, what about you?”.
I try not to tell her that I didn’t have anybody to celebrate it with, since my family don’t and never care, but all I tell her is that I am fine.
“You, you look amazing”, I tell her, and she smiles.
“Oh, yea I forgot to ask what colleges you got accepted in?”, she questions.
“I got in Princeton but not Yale”, I point at her to ask which she got in.
She seems excited, really excited.
“I got in Harvard and Princeton”,
“No, you did not, omg congratulations, that’s amazing”
I am speechless, only 40% of the population get accepted in Harvard, but I knew she would. Olivia is such a hard worker; she can get in anything. I need her in Princeton, but I want her to go to Harvard.
Harvard can get her to places she dreams of going, so I think she shouldn’t just pick me over her whole future. Which I doubt she will do.
“So, what can I get you guys?”, the waiter asks, I first don’t think he’s a waiter, he looks fancier than I do.
Olivia’s eyes can’t stop staring at him, until I order my food.
“Then I will have red pasta please”, she orders.
While we wait for the food, we talk about how life has been, and how we want our future to look like.
I smile at her; she looks like an angel.
My whole life when I was younger, I thought that I will never find “that” girl who makes me feel that way, safe, happy, entertained and just satisfied with the shitty life I have, she makes me forget all these bad memories that suddenly flash back in my head. That “it’s okay” that she says makes me feel like my life is actually okay.
“So, when was the last time you went to a rollercoaster”,
she is mad I told her that I have went to a rollercoaster once in my life.
“Like 10 years ago”,
She’s really shocked.
“10 years? That was like a decade ago. You know what I am booking Disneyland Tickets for both of us next Saturday and you won’t stop me”, and we both laugh.
The food comes and I could see how excited she is, she’s either excited about the food itself, or the waiter who looks fancier than anyone in the restaurant does. He takes the candles and the flowers away and puts the plates in front of each of us. She pulls up her sleeves and there’s a tattoo on her wrists.
“What does that tattoo say on your wrist?” I smile and point at it.
She looks at it and smiles, “It’s my mother’s name, Mary, Mary Olsson”, I say.
“Mary Olsson is your mother?”, I start shaking and panicking.
“Cem what’s wrong?”
Mary Olsson, Mary Olsson. The name repeats over and over in my head. The memories flack back and forth. Olivia Lopez is the daughter of Mary Olsson.
Fuck. Fuck.
“I am really sorry, but I don’t think this will work out. Your mother isn’t the woman you think she is”. I put the money on the table and run away, run away from a killer’s daughter. I can feel her heart breaking, and I know that I am the one who broke it, but that victim was my dad, my hero. I don’t want him to look down to me from the sky, just to see me dating the daughter of the woman who... killed him. I drive and it hurts. She blamed her father and her sister when they had every right to escape that house. Emily was right. Everyone was right, but Olivia. She could’ve asked what her mum did to make everyone so mad at her, she kicked everyone out of her life because of her love to her mother, not knowing that that son of a bitch is a murder.
It hurts that I am still in love with her and knowing that I will forever be in love with her.
The end.
