Who knew the adventure I'd set off on would be a thirteen year endeavor when I agreed to go to that Halloween party with our heroin, my late wife?
She was someone I'd randomly messaged on OkCupid.com because her collection of tattoos caught my eye.
I never thought I had a chance of dating someone like that - never mind moving in someone's studio apartment, assimilate their life and ultimately be allowed to take over everything like I did.
The truth is Kara Lyn had been sick for a while and needed help.
I'm guessing she must have been pretty desperate being hobbled by undiagnosed Multiple Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia like she was??? And, for YEARS by this point.
She was sinking fast on her final round of unemployment benefits and look who was looking to launch after his soul crushing divorce.
Now the doctors treated her like she was stupid and the employment force just couldn't accommodate someone with such a 'poor' work ethic. It would be all she could do to string twenty hours together without getting physically ill. Forty would kill her.
I managed to move in and get my M. V. P. Airport Parking position JUST before her Jenga tower would have collapsed by the skin of my teeth.
She spent an unfortunate amount of her time ashamed of her lack of achievement.
She'd detest my bringing this up, but since I'm treating this last baker's dozen years as a writing assignment? Full disclosure; she was mortified.
Our friends are (in her mind) so much more successful?
Me?
No; I grew up poor and survived giving my ex the bank card. I've laundered jeans in a truck stop shower before; poverty doesn't shame me, it amuses.
That and I've already had ONE success under my belt - I can STILL die a highway legend for all I care.
But, she was slowly deconstructing before our eyes and taking "failures" personally.
I had the absolute honor of accompanying this beautiful woman for the final thirteen years of her life. I had the pleasure of sharing my dreams with her and the most intimate of moments.
No one could drive me absolutely bonkers like this woman, but damn straight I'd of murdered for her.
I'd always force myself to smile over clenched teeth - even if my eyebrows looked like a Vulcan's. "Drink it in, bastard? You know this angel is taking off before YOU do and the day's coming when she'll never irritate you again."
There wasn't a day in that thirteen years my ray of sunshine felt alright either.
And, every day it was worse.
We built our foundation on a love of music (though sometimes not the same generation) and our Doolittle-esc 'understanding' of animals.
Our friendship ran SOUL deep.
Our fiercest fights would run about six minutes? She'd tell me to go ef myself and leave me arguing with my shadow. Then we'd reset.
You understand that our relationship revolved around karaoke, right??? I mean we even took delivery of our fur child Earl at a karaoke session after an Air Supply concert Valentine's Day?
Every weekend for YEARS.
She was so shy, but she had a few numbers that she could pop? "Shakin'" was my favorite of hers.
It'll take me awhile to be able to hear her voice again.
Can you believe I worked at that airport parking lot for a whole DECADE?
When my dad passed away Halloween morning... 2016??? We moved in with my mother because I was having a helluva time keeping both Kara and I afloat all by myself - especially above child support payments?
She spent the last seven years of her life here at home.
She found biological half sisters she knew nothing about before sending off her D. N. A. in some test kit.
We got to be part of a bigger family for a year or two until our heroin passed less than twenty steps from where my dad left.
More than all of us who lost her, I feel those sisters were robbed.
The last month of her life will forever change me. I saw the best friend I've ever had in this life morph into Zelda off Pet Sematary.
She was gonna die at home and I knew it was going to be rough... But, I really had NO idea what was involved in that particular exercise; especially since I hadn't fully excepted what was going down. I was stuck in the bargaining phase.
My first vlog post was made October 30th 2023 at 10:50 in the morning.
The concept that a scant twenty days later, I'd be announcing time of death on Facebook and watching a crematory van pull out of the driveway with my life partner was beyond full comprehension.
Even though I knew she was dying, I'm not that sure if I bought it fully.
What I didn't want to happen was to abandon her in some convalescent home to expire ignored like she was treated back in January. She hadn't been bathed for a month and had to cause a scene to rectify the situation. She had to call 9-1-1.
We brought her back home soon after that.
She doubted ever making it to today though; that I can take comfort in. She seemed to accept her fate.
We both knew that Christmas was a bridge too far.
The concept that it's Thanksgiving completely eludes me but my survivors guilt's been nurtured right out of me. Thanks to all my loved ones for running interference and distracting me with love. I've been assured that souls don't hold grudges and that I did the best I can do.
You folks are what I am thankful for today and that the love of my life is no longer in pain. I'm thankful she had a smile on her face at the end and that we surrounded her with love during the worst day of my life.