The Jefferson boys found him near the bridge. It was just after sun up. He`d floated down the river. I felt relief when I heard he`d been found. And I felt fear. Somehow I`d gotten this vision in my head of him floating along for eternity; but he`d been found, and he`d be buried, and he`d be cried over, and he`d be missed. And I still felt fear.
There should have been another way. I should have found another way. I wished I could have given him more time without our father`s influence, but I couldn`t. I was afraid of him. I was afraid. And I did something I can only cry about now. And my tears do Jack no good.
The sheriff told Jack`s mother there was no evidence to show the source of the gash over Jack`s left eye. Jack said he might have hit his head diving into the water. There wasn`t any sign of anyone having been at the river he could find. He`d searched the entire area around the bridge. He said he`d keep looking into the matter, but he`d asked all around and no one seemed to have any knowledge of what might have happened. He said he was sorry, but he didn`t know. He was saying Jack jumped off the bridge and hit his head on rocks in the water?
A coward all my life—having died many deaths—and my saying nothing, confirmed a coward still. I`m sorry Jack. I`m sorry. I was afraid. I still am afraid. And I have died once more.
Mama. It was I who had to try and console her. When the sheriff came to our door to tell her they had found my brother Jack, she nearly fell down right there on the spot. The sheriff helped her over to a chair and knelt beside her holding her hand. He said his piece, bowed his head to her and then took his leave. I went over to her and replaced him at her side. I didn`t say anything I just held her hand in both of my hands. I started to cry. Before she had only looked around stunned, seemingly not recognizing anything in her sights. When she looked at me, she started crying as well. She pulled me close to her and held me. We didn`t pass a word between us. She knew the problems that Jack and I had always had between us.
Mama pulled her hand from mine and rose. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on the fire. I followed her, but stopped at the doorway, watching her. She stood at the stove waiting for the water to boil. After it began to boil, she turned the fire off, and turned towards the door where I was standing.
She looked at me, gave me a broken-hearted smile and said, "what has your brother done now?"
She walked past me, leaving the kitchen. She went into her bedroom and shut the door behind her. I went up to the door and put my ear to it. I couldn`t hear her crying. I went back into the kitchen and sat down at the table.
The Jefferson boys were at the river fishing. In our younger years, Jack and I used to go fishing at the river with our old man. The old man was drinking even then, but still he was good company. He`d tell us stories about his family; how his grandfather had arrived in the county with nothing but the shirt on his back; worked the land for the Mac Daniel family; saved much of what he earned and later bought some land. His father`s generation worked the land and built it into a respectable farm. He said they had cows, chickens, grew crops. He said his family had always been hard workers. The work ethic didn`t rub off on my father. He thought, he hoped, he`d found an easier way.
He told some uncomplimentary stories about Mama`s family. Mama`s father in particular, didn`t talk to him. Mama`s father was the source of all his problems.
"I was just white trash as far as that man was concerned. Hell, he was just a generation or two up from white trash himself. He never gave me the chance to prove myself. It was supposed to be me who took my family above digging in the dirt, but her father never gave me my chance. They became fat on what they had stolen from others, and then they had the nerve to call themselves respectable.
"She took me to meet him and he had the nerve to turn up his nose at me. He wouldn`t even have me in his home or sit down at the table over dinner with me. I thought maybe he loved his daughter more than he hated me, but instead of coming to accept me, he came to hate his daughter. What kind of man is that?"
The Jefferson boys were younger than me by a few years. Both were high-strung to the point they`d annoy you after a short while. I can only imagine their excitement at seeing a body floating in the river. I can see them jumping around like a couple of monkeys drunk with excitement. Maybe they were what Jack and I should have been. They were "brothers."
I haven`t been to the river in such a long time. It`s years passed. I wish I could convince myself that the river was no longer there. I know rivers just don`t disappear though. They sometimes run dry, but they never just disappear.
Mama touched me on the shoulder to wake me. "You had any supper? Let me fix you something to eat."
"I already had something Mama. Yours is there."
"I don`t want anything right now. I`ll put it away and have it later.
"You boys spent half your lives down at the river seems to me. I always worried about Jack. I always had this fear that he wouldn`t live to see old age. He was always so wild and reckless. I had hopes he would grow out of it, but I feared he wouldn`t. Now I know for sure that he won`t."
She took a seat next to me at the kitchen table. She put her head down and began to cry. Not a loud, raucous type of crying, but a soft lamentation. I moved my seat closer to hers and put my arm around her. She put her head on my shoulder.
I knew she wanted to talk and as painful as it was for me to listen, I had to be the one there for her.
"You were always my baby. Jack was your daddy`s boy, at least when he was small. He grew to be big like your daddy. I don`t know what happened with your daddy. He got lost in the bottle I guess. He came from a family that worked their own land. He wouldn`t do anything with the land we have. My daddy gave us this land. He never approved of the match between your daddy and me. That`s all he would give us. He warned me against marrying your daddy. Said your daddy was from a sorry lot and that your daddy was the sorriest of the lot. Your daddy told me my daddy would come around. He said he`d show my daddy that he was wrong about him.
"I`d always dreamed of a large church wedding. We got married by a Justice of the Peace at the courthouse. The day after we married I got word my daddy wanted to see me. I met him in his office at the bank. He reached out his hand to me with a paper in it. It was the deed to this land. Your daddy told me my daddy was already coming around to seeing things our way. That was the last time I saw my daddy alive.
"You never got along well with your brother, did you? It doesn`t really matter now. We`re all united by death. You understand why your brother picked on you, don`t you? It`s just the way kids are. Bullying is the currency some kids use to buy the obeisance of other kids. You know he never meant you any harm? Jack had a good heart. Jack had a good heart. It wasn`t always easy to see where his head was. But Jack had a good heart. It was your daddy`s influence on him. He wasn`t drunk with alcohol, the way your daddy often was. He was drunk with the power he saw himself having over you. He never meant you any harm though."
Jack never meant me any harm. I never believed that was true. I don`t believe it now. It was more than just the big kid picking on the little kid between Jack and me. If Mama had known about the colored girl Jack attacked, or about Jack nearly drowning me, she would have felt differently. I`m not sure why she felt she had to defend Jack to me. Maybe she was trying to defend Jack to herself.
"What`s done is done Mama. Whatever there was between Jack and me is done now. It`s finished, I guess I mean."
She looked at me and nodded her head.
I wanted to confess my guilt to her. I wanted to confess that I was responsible for Jack`s drowning, how could I though? I thought my silence was the only thing that would keep her alive. That`s what I told myself; how I justified my silence to myself. To have one son drowned by the other was more than even her faith in God could bear.
She never asked any questions about the gash over Jack`s left eye. In fact when the sheriff mentioned it and said he`d be looking into it, she just blankly nodded her head. He gave a questioning look, but then went on his way. I`m not sure if he looked into it anymore or not.
I can think about the past, the earliest years I can remember and I can remember happy times for Jack and me. I remember Jack diving into the water at the river. He thought himself something of an expert diver. I remember the fishing, a lot of fishing. Everyday practically, our father would take us to the river. We fished every day even though none of us liked eating fish. At first we`d take what we had caught home to Mama to show her. After it became apparent to the three of us Mama was going to cook what we caught and we had to eat it, we started throwing them back.
I`m not sure of which came first, our father`s persistently sour mood or his habit with the bottle. We tried to stay away from him. He lost what interest he had in us. He would argue with Mama about everything from planting in the fall to his missing meals to his coming into her bed stinking of alcohol. She often told him if he came home drunk he`d be sleeping outside. Finally he stopped coming home.
Jack won`t be coming home either.
I don`t know, Jack. Saying I was afraid seems like saying nothing now. All I can say is nothing. You might have become the man Mama talks of. Probably a better man than I could ever dream of becoming. Still most likely you would have become our father. But maybe not. After all, I know, you had a good heart. Jack....
