How We Go On
Azhar Razaq
It's been three years since she left my side, three long years: who
Could have imagined that we wouldn't live our lives together till
The end. I keep questioning this word 'till the end.' What is the
End? Or what is the beginning? If there cannot be an end, as we
All say and believe through faith, than what is the explanation
Of a 'start'? Every beginning has an end, and every end has a
Beginning, so it's better that I rephrase my question, which is
That it wasn't even in our wildest dreams that we wouldn't grow
Old together, seeing each other age, side by side, counting each
Other's wrinkles, making fun of each other, watching our children
Grow before us.
She didn't leave me, she simply died. Yes, leaving someone isn't
Simple but dying is, it's so abrupt and silly; so easy. Divorces,
Fights, separations, are all so complicated and miserable. You
Either wish to live together in peace, or wish you never took
The decision to pick a fight with your better half, but why did
It happen to me? We had nothing of that sort going; we were
Living happy and contented lives; we were the best of friends. The
Term husband and wife seemed childish to us as we cherished a
Unique relationship, yet she died and left me. She left me when
We were at the zenith of our existence. Why now? Why me?
Why us? She wasn't infected with any deadly disease; she was
Mercilessly a victim to a bomb blast and, obviously in such cases,
Nothing really happens to bring the guilty to justice: just a lot of
guilt and remorse left for the affected. No reason, no nothing,
just question after question.
This happened to me, or as I prefer to put it, 'This happened
to us.' Physically we may be apart, but not a single day has
Passed that I don't miss her and I don't remember her in one
way or another. Nonetheless, this destiny that I had to collide
with happened just after nine years or our marriage, the nine
years that I call the greatest years of my life, my happiest days.
No doubt that I had a wonderful childhood and a brilliant
teenage life where we did all sorts of crazy things, but those
years that I spent with her were defining for me. They were
fun and energetic; it was soft and subtle; there was peace and
contentment; it was everything wrapped up in one relationship.
But what am I to do now as she was no longer by my side? No
one to express my inner self to; no shoulder to rest upon, and
no shoulder to give her support; no one to relieve my tired soul;
no one to crack a joke to; no company to make my inner season
pleasant.
Daily I pass by those restaurants and parks where we went to
eat and stroll. They too must be gazing at me and wondering
where my partner is, maybe laughing at me, or maybe just feeling
sorry for me. But I guess these structures have seen far too much
of everything besides me, things that I may not even be able to
imagine. They must have loads of secrets hidden within them;
to them I'm probably just another episode of the larger story.
But these thoughts fade as my attention goes back to her. Why
was I a target of fate, or destiny, or whatever you may call it?
Had I been so bad? Was I being punished for my sins? Or was
I just a victim of the system we call the world, the system we
call life? Are we all subject to this fear and the inevitable fact
that always looms over us? It's like a dagger whose shadow is
always cast upon our necks yet we pretend as if nothing is wrong,
I remember the times we spent together, so full of hope and
zeal: we will do this we, will do that. Her soul was so lively, so
energetic, always bucking me up when I was feeling gloomy. She
made every facet of me shine.
How will I travel this long road without her? How will I pursue
all that we both dreamed of? It is like a mountain in front of
me, staring at me. The world has forgotten her, although she was
always dear and near to everyone, not a soul could deny this fact.
But this world stops for no one and gradually one is forgotten.
How can they do this to her when she had only been kind to
them? Everyone is carrying on with their lives again, except me.
It made me angry, and I wanted to punish everyone, but then
something inside of me always stopped me and said that maybe
they do pray for her and remember her in their own silent way,
as nobody can cry their whole life.
It was work and home and that was all that was left of me. Work
in some way took my mind off the things that bothered me, but
still from time to time she was always present in one way or
another. Even eating a pizza at lunch would bring back memories
of her, as she simply adored it and would always drag me to go
and have pizza on weekends.
Was this God's will or was it just a freak accident? If it was
God's will, why was it done by a mortal? All sorts of questions
arose in my ever-questioning mind. Life sometimes puts a person
in a very serious, tricky situation. Not knowing what to believe
and what to deny, one is in the midst of a celestial, universal law
which we all have fallen into and given no choice to object to
anything.
Time kept passing at its usual pace; the seasons came and went
one after another. Her grave still looked new as it was the day
she was buried. I usually went there in the evenings to visit her
and sit beside her just as I used to sit beside her at home, silently
talking with her and praying for her to be happy in whichever
dimension she's in.
One day after a long days work, I decided to walk back home
instead of taking the bus, it was about a 45-minute walk, but
something inside me, telling me that I should walk, and indeed it
was a nice idea to walk home as I hadn't ventured out much since
she had gone. On walking home, I had to pass through lots of
busy markets and shopping areas. Going through these areas and
seeing the activity and life there felt as if everyone was making
fun of me and laughing at my pain. Those same markets, those
same shops that we used to shop at, places where we had brought
each other presents, where we used to eat, where we used to . . .
live. Life was still so normal, so happy, as if nothing had changed
in the world. It was just as I had left it three years back. Had
time stopped or to them did my pain mean so little? I felt like
crying. What else could I do? I missed her so much, on reaching
home I dried my tears and washed my face with cold water.
That particular night was somewhat quieter than the nights
I had been spending. Lying on my bed in my dimly-lit room
I struck a match to light a cigarette. Puffing and inhaling the
soothing, smoky aroma I closed my eyes and kept on smoking
with my eyes shut. It was as if I couldn't open my eyes knowing
that I could, but lacking some uncontrollable, forced intention.
'Is that really you?' I said. 'Is that really you?' She put her soft
hand on my mouth, a sensation I had not felt for three years,
but it felt as if it had been just yesterday. We kept staring at
each other in silence and awe as tears trickled down my cheeks.
She was a glowing illumination, her smile, soft and subtle just
as always.
'Why do you cry? You have no idea what death is, than why do
you grieve? Didn't we talk about death when we were together in
the world? Now it's happened to us and it had to be me. Don't
think that I'm in any unfamiliar place, you cannot see from where
you are now, so don't judge. When your time comes, and you
are with me, only then will you understand what I mean. But,
my dear, you have to live. Don't grieve. We love each other, and
people who love don't grieve, they only rejoice. Rejoice for the
times spent together, rejoice as we once again will be together.
Our separation is only temporary.'
'Remember when I used to go to my mother's home and you
used to become sad; just consider this my visit, as my mother
and my whole family are with me and I'm very happy. But you
will come in your own time. We had our adventures together in
this world and what magnificent adventures those were. And
certainly we will have them again, I promise you my love. But
you have to live for me, and for us. Go live your next adventure,
then you can also share that with me. But do not grieve any
longer, because then I cannot enjoy the bounties that await me
here. Lets enjoy our gifts and our blessings on our own sides so
we have exciting stories to tell each other.'
'I may not be with you, but I'm always there inside you. I'm as
you. We have never been apart since the day we met. We can
never be apart, never. Don't kill that lively person inside you.
Remember we used to discuss death and how it's better to die
in an instant than to suffer and die in misery? Well that's what
happened. I departed instantly. Isn't that good?'
'We all have to come here sooner or later. You taught me to smile
in difficult times so now I'm giving that back to you. Smile and
be happy my love. The place that you are in, and I was in, is like
running water, so make the most of it. Take risks, leave no dream
unlived. It's not a rehearsal, it's a one time live act, so be happy
as I am and make me proud. Do the things we dreamed of doing
together, and don't waste your life. Cherish every moment as we
did, and remember that's why I'm happy: because I didn't waste
a single moment with you. I lived, and now I have no regrets.'
'Look into my eyes my dear.' Her eyes were gleaming like radiant
stars on a clear night, soft yet assertive, just as her nature had
been as she always guided me through difficult moments, and
she was once again present for me, to rescue me.
We were holding each other and smiling; smiling with passion
and contentment. Her glowing face was saying a million things
in the silence; she was always with me and always within me,
just as I was always with her and within her.
I have learnt the valuable lesson, which is that "time does not pass. It never
passes. Time is constant - it simply changes".