Hope

I stood there still. My brain could not process what had just happened. In Front of my eyes was a crowd, a mob of people circling a body. A dead body. A girl. I stood still on the paved walk with a scarf in my hand and a coffee cup in the other. My pupils dilated. My heartbeat was fast. My heart thundered in my chest. I felt a trembling pain as if someone had just hurt me in my stomach with a heavy iron bar again and again, repetitively. My hands were shaking, they trembled with fear and desperation. Terror running through my veins. My body was paralyzed. I felt stuck, as if I had been glued to the ground. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed. An accident. I just lost my best friend in front of my eyes. I dropped everything and went running towards her. She was dark red, a trail of blood gushed out from her cerebellum. She left me…forever. I lost her.

It felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach with the sharpest knife ever to exist again and again…multiple times. It was me who had died. It wasn’t only her. Me too. I was internally dead. The world seemed blurry to me. It was translucent through my glass like tear drops which met the ground one after another. The only thing that was partially visible to me was her. Her. Her soft, white delicate face which reminded me of snow. Her plump red lips and her cheeks…her red cheeks which reminded me of her long, shiny, dark black hair from where the bloody red trail could be seen. It was like a bloody river. It was a bloody river. My hands laid bare on her waist, her white floral dress….it was red now. Bloody red.

It has been a few days now since the incident. I still can’t forget the day. Why did it all have to happen so suddenly? Why couldn’t I be the one who died? Why didn’t I stop her from crossing the road? What if I had stopped her that day? What if I had not forced her to bring me flowers? What if I was the one who went instead of her? None of this would have happened then. I would have been able to save her. I would have been in her place right now. She would have been the one attending my funeral. But at least she would be alive. I thought to myself as I looked at the casket which stood in front of me in the cemetery.

My body was there but my mind wasn’t. I was physically present, not mentally. I was dressed in black, all black, starting from my dress to my heels. My mind…it was not there, it was filled with thoughts and memories of her. The cafe, our school, the bookstore, our childhood memories, those silly little fights, us defending each other after putting each other into trouble, laughing for no reason at those inside jokes…everything. Everything hit me like a wave right in the church. Standing there, tear droplets slid down my damp cheek and onto the marble floor. I had zoned out. I was not myself. I felt uneasy, I needed her right now. She was the one who could calm me down during these situations. She could console me right now but now what? How was I supposed to live without her? How could she do this to me? How could she just leave me here like this? She promised to stay with me forever. She broke her promise! She broke my heart! Life wouldn’t be the same anymore now. She taught me to feel emotion. She taught me to be a better person. She taught me to be the best version of myself. What do I do now? I don’t know how to live a life without her. What about me? Are you seriously going to leave me forever Maya? What about you and me? What about us? What about Aspyn? Please, please, please come back Maya. Come back! Please! I never had the chance to tell you how grateful I am…I was to have you. I miss you. I sobbed..sobbed on the grave, staring at the casket. The flowers were going to wither soon. I had been here the entire night. My tears made their way out of my eye. I could only term this situation in one word. Epiphora. Excessive tears. But to me, these tears felt like nothing. I couldn’t change the past. Couldn’t go back in time and relive my moments with her. The only thing I could do right now was sob. Pour my little heart out. That little heart which was thundering in my chest for hours now. It was pacing with each tear leaving my eye. The only thing I wanted to do was meet her again and keep her with me forever. The bereavement was truly inexplicable. I couldn’t explain it in words. My mind was filled with her and only her. Will I ever be able to move on in life after this?

—

I was positive that I would never be able to recover from the trauma and I was right. It had been five years since her death and I still remember her everyday. I still have our first picture framed in my bedroom. I wake up every morning to the same picture, and reminisce about all the amazing and sweet memories I’ve created with her throughout our several years of friendship. I still talk to her family once or twice a month, they are like my second family. We still talk about her every time we meet. We keep on talking about her preferences and the memories we had created with her. Flowers were one of the most cherished things. Every week, she would get at least one bouquet for herself. She loved being by herself and her thoughts.

I decided to visit the shop she used to get her flowers from after so many years. It was also the same place where she…passed away. I had to gather up a lot of courage to go there, it wasn’t easy for me to go to the same palace where I had lost my best friend years ago. I was the one who had seen her die right in front of my eyes. I had seen the pool of blood flowing from her skull. I had seen her lying on the cold, hard ground lifeless. Not breathing. How could it be easy for anyone?

I was standing there, in front of the same flower shop, years later. The florist still recognizes me. I used to go there a lot with Maya and the florist and Maya had a very good relationship. She used to be able to talk and interact with people very easily. Everybody liked her and why wouldn’t they? She was genuinely the sweetest and the most heartwarming I had ever met in my entire life. There was nobody as kind and sweet as her. Nobody.

I kept on staring at the shop, standing in front of it. The air was filled with the sweet aroma of the flowers. It was mesmerizing. The florist waved at me which brought my attention to her. She gave a quiet smile and signaled me to enter the shop. I stepped into the florist shop, keeping my right foot first. “Keeping your right foot first brings you good luck”, smiled Maya beside me. She was only in my head. She wasn’t beside me, she was only imaginary. She had once told me that the superstition was real. She wasn’t the type of person to believe in wrong rituals and superstitions but she would follow superstitions like these. She looked very cute when she told me about all those superstitions. I can still hear her in my head, speaking about the superstitions and how they actually proved to be right to her.

“It’s been quite long since I’ve seen you darling,” said the florist with a soft smile. I nodded awkwardly. I started picking out some flowers which were visible to me right then. I pointed at them one by one, demanding her to make a bouquet out of it. I looked around while she started arranging the flowers into a bouquet. It still looked the same as ever. There were people walking in and out of it, looking at flowers, clicking pictures of themselves in the shop. I noticed a girl, going around the shop, looking at the different flowers and smelling them. Maya used to do the same all the time. She had an obsession with flowers. The girl was wearing a white hoodie and grey sweatpants with white crocs. The same which Maya used to wear on her lazy days. That girl was a brunette with long hair. The same Maya had. I kept staring at her until she finally turned around to look at the florist I was with. It was Maya. I started sweating profusely, I started feeling dizzy, my heart rate started increasing. I was having a panic attack. “You look very nervous, is everything alright?”, she asked out of concern. I nodded again which was barely noticeable. In reality, I wasn’t. Not at all. The sweet fragrance of the shop was slowly turning into a nauseating odour. The old memories started flashing back, I could feel the world revolving, everything was moving, nothing was stable. Neither was I. Gradually, I felt myself falling on the ground.

When I woke up, I was on the floor, droplets of water were on my face. It had mixed with the sweat already. A few people were gathering around me. I felt suffocated. I was on the lap of the florist, her eyes locking into mine when I looked up. “You had fainted”, she blurted out. “A-air”, I stuttered. I was in dire need of fresh air. The mob around me was suffocating. The florist waved her hand, telling the mob to go away. After a few minutes, I was finally conscious. I could finally comprehend what was going on around me. “What happened, dear?”, asked the florist in her soft voice. “S-she’s back-”, I stuttered in nervousness. “Who’s back my dear?”, she asked, removing hair which was falling on my face. “Maya”, I said, looking at her. “What are you talking about”, she asked in confusion. “I saw her here. She’s back. S-she did not die”, I said firmly. “No, my dear. She is not here. She is not with us anymore. She left us years back.”, she said with tears in her eyes. “I-I need to go”, I snapped, standing up. I saw her again. She was behind the florist. She walked past us. My best friend is back again. I needed to meet her. Without hearing anything else or waiting any further, I took my bag and left the shop. I stood outside trying to locate where she was but she was nowhere in sight. I paced forward, trying to see if she was somewhere near. Just one glance of her. I needed to make sure it was her, but unfortunately I could not find her anywhere. Was it all a dream? Was it a nightmare? Was I hallucinating? Was it because I returned to the same place where she had died years back? I don’t know. I have no idea. I started doubting myself after I could not see her anywhere near me. I pressed my temples with my thumb fingers, I had started having a migraine. I quickly found a seat near me and sat there to calm myself down. There was no point in trying anymore? How fast was she that she disappeared from my sight in a minute? It could be my hallucinations or.. Was she trying to hide from me? Why would she hide from me though? Shouldn’t I be the first one she would want to meet after coming back? Or maybe she never came back at all. It could be all my hallucinations.

I bent my head down, towards the ground when I was on the bench. It helped me reduce my headache somehow. After a few moments, I finally looked up when the headache had comparatively reduced. I thought I was ready to go back home but… when I looked up, I saw the same figure again. The same hoodie, the same trousers, the same hair. This time I needed to see her face to recheck that it wasn’t my hallucinations and all this was actually happening. I needed her to look at me just once, just once. This time, I waited patiently for five whole minutes. And finally after that, I saw her face. It was her. The same eyes, the same nose, the same lips, the same rosy cheeks. Everything was the same.

Before I could say anything or follow her, she was out of my sight again. This time instead of wasting time by trying to follow her, I decided to inform this to her parents. I immediately drove to their house and knocked on the door, waiting for a response.

Her mom opened the door, and said, "Oh my god, Aspyn, what happened? Why are you panting so much?", she asked. "I-I saw Maya today, near the bookstore.", I said, breathing heavily. "W-what?", asked her mom in amusement. "Can I come in, please?", I asked. She motioned me to enter. She gave me a glass of water while I took a seat on the couch. "Where? What are you talking about? What's wrong?", she asked me, curiously. "I saw Aspyn today. Near the flower shop she used to go to daily. She was in there, wearing a hoodie, trousers and her hair was very messy. I saw her outside as well, which confirms it that I wasn't hallucinating and that it was all true. I swear Hesa, I swear. Please trust me.", I said, gathering myself. She held my hand in hers and said calmly, "She's dead. She can't be alive. We were all present at her funeral darling." "B-but I swear I saw her. Please. At first, even I thought I was hallucinating and it was because of the trauma but I swear when I saw her again, it was confirmed. She is alive. I swear.", I said, tears now rolling down my cheeks. Hesa looked at Harry, Aspyn's dad and said, "She's back." "YES. YES. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. SHE HASN'T DIED. SHE'S BACK.", I cried out in joy. "No, darling. Not Mellisa.", Hesa said, still holding my hand. "What?", I asked in confusion. Joy fading away from my voice. "I think it is time to tell you everything now.", she said.

Hesa and Harry were now sitting beside me, facing me. "Aspyn...", they started. I listened keenly with anticipation. "Mellisa isn't our only daughter. We have two. They were twins, Mellisa and Kheya. Before you ask why we didn't tell you anything or why Mellisa, your bestfriend, did not tell you anything. She was fifteen when Kheya ran away from home. Why? Young love. Her 'fiance' broke up with her when he got to know she ran away from home because he wasn't ready to settle with her. We tried contacting her, we reported to the police but nothing worked. She never came back. We had given up and we had uniformly decided that we would start anew and never tell anyone about her as she probably left the country itself after running away. She did not want to keep in touch with us anymore so we let her be as well. Our best guess is that the person you saw was Kheya and not Mellisa.", they completed.

I listened to whatever they said that day. I saw all their pictures. I realised that the same face had just given me a fake hope of my best friend being alive again. For once, I thought that it was possible that she was back but I was wrong. I was far from the truth. Ever since that day, I never saw her on the streets ever again. It felt as if I saw her that day only to find out the truth. A hope which brought me to life once again which helped me start my life all over again.