I fell in love at the age of 14. It was my first love and it was a love that consumed me. It was a love I was ready for and a love I was craving for...Or I thought I was.
Growing up in New York ain't as easy as it seems. Especially growing up in the hood, where you got drug dealers and gang bangers on every corner. You don't know if they are carrying weed in their pockets or carrying a gun. As a female, our parents teach us when walking past a group of those drug dealers on the corner you walk in silence and make no eye contact. Kind of impossible to do when they call you beautiful and try their best to get your attention. Now as a New Yorker life only gives you 2 paths. Either you follow the right path which is going to school, going to college and finding a good job on Wall Street as a businessman or woman, or getting consumed by the street life, a life standing on a corner with weed or a gun in your pocket or worst of all 6 feet underground and everybody wearing T-shirts with Your picture on it and big bold letters saying S.I.P.
At 14 take a lucky guess what kind of guy I fell for. At 14 I was naive yet mature. I knew right from wrong and I knew the kind of life I wanted for myself. He came into my life at a time where I wasn't looking for love, at a time where I was too busy being a teen. Going to the movies, hanging out at the schoolyard with my friends, going out to eat. It was the fall of 2010 when Joseph came into my life. I had already started high school and I knew exactly who Joseph was as we did go to the same middle school. I wasn't the popular girl in high school I was quiet and shy and only had one friend Elizabeth was her name.
I was standing on a corner with a group of my friends waiting for one of them to come down from their house when Joseph approached me and tried to get my attention. He was making jokes and I found him hilarious, he asked me what school I went to and when I told him I went to his school he was surprised. The next day I go to school and he was waiting for me at my locker. I wasn't interested in him due to him being a drug dealer and being the complete opposite of me. But you know as they say, opposites attract, he was always the loud one sitting in the back of the class rapping and banging beats on the desk, if not he was high off of weed. I didn't think I would fall for his sweet street talk as he swindled his sneaky ass into my life.
Weeks after meeting he gave my best friend Elizabeth a note, a note that made my heart skip a beat as it said he had feelings for me and wanted to get to know me more and asked me out on a date. My heart told me to tell him, yes but my mind told me to say no. So I told him no, that did not stop him from asking again, and again, and again. Although it was cute to have somebody pursuing me, it was also pretty annoying as he kept asking me out. Months passed and he kept asking until one day I said yes to get him off my back. The day I said yes was the happiest day of his life, he leaped in joy and danced out of happiness to him he knew I was the one for him. I, on the other hand, I wasn't sure about him I had mixed feelings and I told him self if I don't grow feelings for him then I would leave him.
At first, things were going great just like the beginning of every typical relationship. But then he started to get comfortable with me and his true personality started breaking through. He was controlling, manipulative, a liar, and towards the end abusive. But at 14 anything you would tell me would go through one ear and out another, I thought he was the one for me as I grew in love with him every day it was like being on a rollercoaster, some days were high and others were low. His jealousy overpowered him, any guy that dared to look my way or even waste their breath on me had to go through his wrath of rage. Joseph was a drug dealer and a gang banger he had "titles" after his name and felt like he had to always prove he wasn't weak. He wasn't weak to others, people feared him and they feared what he was able to do, I became well known in high school thanks to him. It is true what they say about relationships it's like a marriage you become ONE. He's eager to be strong and "powerful" became my eagerness to be strong, and we became ONE.
15.... 15 is the age I became a "woman" to be specific I lost my virginity. Yes, 15 is beyond young, but like being 14 anything I was told would go through one ear and out the other. I was in love and with being in love I wanted to give him my all. The sex was amazing, but all it did was make him more powerful, made him control me more. Anything I would wear to anybody I hung out with was a problem, I had to do what I was told or I would have to deal with the wrath of his rage just like others. At 15 I was being verbally abused and belittled, crazy part of it all was that I knew I was being verbally abused. He would apologize for his actions and tell me he loved me and tell me it wouldn't happen again and I believed him. His "I love you" and love letters made everything go away, as it filled my heart with warmth and joy that he apologized and promised he would do better in treating me right. Social media played a big part in our relationship, anything we would go through he felt the need to share it on social media, letting the world know we were fighting. It was embarrassing going to school most days because not only was I well know because of him but a lot of the girls didn't like me and all wanted to fight me because of him and since he used to post everything we went through on social media the whole school knew of our problems. Because of him, I was considered to be a joke and as I walked the halls of the school I was being pointed at and laughed at. Students would throw ketchup or gum in my hair, plastic bottles at my feet as I would go up the stairs so that I would trip or call me out of my name, I could say I was being bullied. And the worst part of it all is Joseph knew of the situation, depending on the mood he was in he would do something of it other times he would laugh with them as I was being embarrassed in front of the whole school.
At the age of 16, he was already 18 years old. Now he thought he was a man and I was a kid I must respect him, and by this time I was fed up with him and his actions. He had gotten kicked out of school due to not being able to graduate and he had to go to a school to help him, graduate. I on the other hand I always had the brains in school, I always did good in school and was on track to graduate. Him getting kicked out of the school had to be the best thing for me, we needed space between us we were fighting every other day and our love was toxic. I missed him though, I missed him picking me up after each class and walking with me to the other class, or even walking to school in the morning and walking home after school. After he left the school it was easier to breathe and think for me, I felt FREE. Free is the word I wanted to use I knew damn well I wasn't free as he crept around and watched everything I would do whether I was alone or with my friends. This moment is where our trust was being tested, as I remained faithful he was in love with me but cheating. Our relationship became The Titanic, it was already sinking but when he cheated that when the ship breaks in half. This is when the physical abuse started, he wouldn't beat me but he would push me around or pushed me into walls. There were times we would fight and argue in the streets and he would shove me down to the ground and as I would try to stand up he would shove me back down to the ground.
As I tried to end the relationship multiple times he wouldn't allow me to. He remained stuck to me like a leach on my skin sucking me dry, I was exhausted. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically drained of this relationship and I wanted out. I cried for help but nobody would hear me out, yes he was out of school but I wanted him out of my life. I did not want him to love me anymore because his love was painful, every time he said " I love you" I felt daggers getting jabbed into my chest. I sunk into a depression when I was around people I would crack a joke or two and always had a smile on my face. It was when I was alone where I would suffer, at first it was the love consuming me now it was my thoughts consuming me. As my mind drifted away I would think of my life without Joseph tter yet my life before Joseph. Before him I was bubbly and caring and full of life, with him I was dull, careless, emotionless, I can say he sucked the life out of me. At one point he physically attacked me in the street and that day I feared for my life, we were getting ready to cross the street and he pushed me into oncoming traffic, my reaction was to slap him across his face. But his response was worst as he grabbed me really hard and pushed me into a fence then punched me on my back. As I would try to get away from him he would charge at me like a bull shoving me to the ground, my school uniform was full of mud and tire grease from the sidewalk. I cried and begged him to stop but he wouldn't he just grew angrier, he had this wild look in his eyes as if he was possessed. I was out of breath from trying to fight him off and get away from him so I just gave up and stopped fighting, as he continued to shove me into parked cars and building walls. A bystander saw the commotion and came to my rescue, grabbed him, and started fighting him giving me the chance to run. The minute I saw that man grab him I was out like a lightning bolt, out of breath and exhausted from fighting with him I ran like I've never run before. As I'm reaching home I start slowing down, my 6 senses told me to turn around. And when I turn around I see Joseph running behind me close to catching up with me, struggling to breath,e and with the headache from hell I take off running again. As I reach my house nervous and scared I struggled to open the gate to the building, looking down the street I see him getting closer and closer.
I manage to get the key in the lock and open the gate and I hurried got in and closed the gate, I thought I was finally safe. As I walk towards the double doors to the building I hear him yelling my name and I hear him pulling onto the gate. When I hear a loud "POP" sound when I turn to see he had managed to pop the gate open, I take off running once again and struggle again to open the double doors, once I heard the first door closed I felt a sense of relief because I knew he couldn't get to me anymore. When I finally got home my mother just looked at me and said "what the f**k happened to you"? I lied and told her I got into a big fight at the school and a group of girls chased me home. She believed me and told me to go clean up, I did as I was told. I gathered my stuff and took a nice bath, I brought my portable speaker to the bathroom and played my music loud just so nobody would hear me cry. While the hot water ran down my back I sat in that bathtub and cried as I've never cried before, not only was I hurt physically I was hurt mentally the only question I kept asking my self was "how can he do this to me"? and "why would you allow a man to do this to you"?
My heart was destroyed, I was broken, he broke me in ways I never thought was possible. He called my phone about 100 times that afternoon sent me about 100 messages and apologized to me on social media. He once again made me his promise of never doing it again and trying harder the treat me better, a promise that went in through one ear and out the other. Like The Titanic our relationship was fully submerged underwater, there was no saving it and no going back. I had no love for him I just feared him as everybody else did, I was scared to walk alone in the street, I was scared to be around him alone.
As try to move on from him, he keeps finding a way back into my life. As he remains in love with me as I had fallen out of love. My high school senior prom was approaching and he believed he was going to be my prom date, I had bought a beautiful long white gown with a clear mesh full of silver rhinestone going down on my waist. When my best friend asked me to prom I didn't hesitate to say yes, I knew he had a crush on me and that set Joseph off. While I enjoyed a night of fun with my friends dancing the night away in my long beautiful gown, taking pictures and making unforgettable moments together, Joseph was blowing up my phone demanding me to answer him. I think that's when he realized he no longer had control over me, he no longer could tell me what to do, what to wear, or who to hang out with. I even started going to parties my friends would throw whenever their parents weren't home. On purpose, I would take pictures whenever I was at these parties and post them on social media so he could see I will do whatever I want whenever I want, and he did not like that. In retaliation, he would cheat on me, but at that point, I did not care because I was no longer in love with him he can no longer hurt me.
After graduation, I spent that summer hanging out with my friends making last memories as we all went our separate ways. I decided to go away for college, and it was the best decision I ever made in my life, I got away from Joseph and got the chance to meet new people and boys. As Joseph remained in New York gang banging he also made sure to keeps tabs on me even though I was 4 hours away from New York, somehow he managed to find out who I was dating at the time and threaten him to leave me alone. I ended up blocking him on every social media account I had and blocking his number, making it impossible to reach me. It was hard to move on from him, he was my first love, my high school sweetheart. 4 years of my life wasted on a relationship that went nowhere but underwater.
Now as an adult still single my first love wasn't a waste of time, it was a lesson. It made me into the person I am today, it showed me how women should not be treated. It showed me how to love myself and value myself. Yes, the trauma I went through as a teen still affects me up to this day, as it makes it impossible to find true love. It affects me by not letting me open myself up to no men in fear that they will find me weak and abuse me the way I was once abused. Joseph now is a single father of a little boy, has a baby mother who has zero interest in loving him or their child together, and struggles on a daily basis to maintain a job and a roof over his head. As I ended up graduating college and have a good job in the healthcare field working in a hospital in New York, with big plans for the future. Crazy how the tables turn when you decide not to sink with the ship that was dragging you down to drown.
