If you're reading this, you've likely been through a breakup yourself, or maybe you're just curious about what it feels like. Either way, I invite you to join me on the rollercoaster ride of my first breakup. It's a story of heartbreak, naivety, and the painful lessons I learned through the eyes of a teenage girl who truly believed in love.
The first red flag was committing to someone who lived in another country - someone I met on a dating app. It sounds absurd now, but back then, I didn't see it that way. Like many first relationships, it started with a rush of excitement. It was magical, well not quite. Even in the beginning, there were so many signs I should've paid attention to.
He told me he loved me after only two months of talking. I hadn't even heard his voice yet. That should've been my first clue that something wasn't right. But instead of seeing the warning, I let my heart run wild. The day after we became "official," we finally had our first phone call. It lasted less than 20 seconds. And then he blocked me. Yes, blocked me. His excuse? "The call was too awkward." Can you believe that? At the time, I was confused, maybe even hurt, but I brushed it off as an obstacle we had conquered. I told myself that overcoming it would make us stronger, that this was just part of being in a long-distance relationship. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. It was just the beginning of a series of decisions I would come to regret.
Fast forward to a warm, sunny June day - the day we finally met in person. I can still remember the excitement inside me as I was searching for him at the airport. When we hugged, it felt surreal, like stepping into a dream. For a brief moment, all my doubts and insecurities melted away. I thought, this is it - this is love.
But that bliss didn't last long. Just a few days into my visit, we had our first real-life argument. It was about the girls on his phone, girls he insisted were "just friends." Another red flag, right? But I trusted him or maybe I was too scared the truth would ruin the dream and make it a nightmare. He assured me there was nothing to worry about, and I wanted so badly to believe him. Trust your gut, they say. And they're right. Even when your heart is blind, your brain notices the cracks. It leaves breadcrumbs for you to follow, whispers of doubt you try to ignore.
Two months later, he came to visit me. This time, things fell apart before he even got here. Just hours before his flight, he called to tell me he wasn't sure if he even wanted to come. I was stunned. Are you joking? I thought. His mom convinced him to come, and eventually, he did. But the drama didn't stop there. Once again, the girls on his phone became an issue.
By now, we had been together for over a year. I was exhausted from the constant tug-of-war between what I felt and what I knew. One day, I decided to stop ignoring the signs. I found the names of every girl on his Snapchat best friends list and messaged them. My heart raced as I typed out the same question to each of them: Do you know he has a girlfriend? I had never felt more anxious. I kinda even liked the adrenaline rush. I wanted to be right. I wanted to find out the truth just so I could confront him with evidence that I'm not just crazy. That he was the one driving me to become insane.
The responses gutted me. Not one of them knew he had a girlfriend. They told me about their conversations, the pictures, the explicit nature of it all. He wasn't just talking to them - he was showing himself to them, sharing parts of himself that were supposed to be special just for the two of us.
The betrayal felt like a knife to the chest, twisting and stabbing without stopping. I was disgusted by what he had done. And yet, in the midst of my pain, I found myself begging him not to leave me. I'll never forget that moment, crying in my bed nearly throwing up and unable to breath all at the same time. Will always remember the humiliation of begging someone who had so thoroughly broken my trust and wasted my time.
Why did I beg? Because I was weak. Because I was scared to be alone. Because I thought I couldn't live without him. I told him everything I had discovered, but instead of walking away, I stayed. And the part that hurt the most wasn't the cheating itself - it was the betrayal of everything we had promised each other. When we first committed, I told him, "If you ever feel like you're losing interest, just tell me. We can figure it out together, or we can part ways peacefully. Lying to me will only hurt more." But he lied anyway. And his excuse? "I didn't want to hurt you." I still can't fully comprehend those words. He didn't want to hurt me? Did he think the lies, the cheating, the humiliation wouldn't hurt? Or did he just not care?
This breakup turned out to become a 9 month long on and off toxic relationship. I needed to take him back too many times and give uncountable chances until one summer day I didn't miss him anymore. I didn't care if he was replying. I didn't care what he was up to. I didn't need to lose contact with him because I was finally free and I just do not care anymore. It's as simple as that now.
The break up was the end of who I was before him - the girl who believed so deeply in love, in people, in the promises they make. He took that from me, leaving behind a version of myself I didn't recognize. There's many things the relationship and the break up taught me. Most importantly though, trust your gut, even when it hurts. And never, ever beg someone to stay in your life. If they truly care, they won't need convincing. It will always get better and you will find happiness again. It's been half a year and I haven't cried for months. I grew as a person and that's what break ups are all about, they make you smarter and stronger.