It was the beige colored baseball cap which first pulled my eyes to him. It distinguished him from the rest of the student body- all of whom were dressed the same, white shirts, grey pants for the boys, knee length grey skirts for the girls, and a constricting rectangular name tag which was supposed to be hanging from our necks like a noose at all times. I absolutely detested the uniformity especially the lack of color which made me feel as if I were an inmate in jail. With so many rules thrust upon us, I supposed, this is how the administration wanted us first years to feel. We soon came to know there was no union at our school, no special group where we could run to and express our grievances. The teachers save a select few were pretty much useless as well, not to mention having to live on campus and the added restrictions about going outside. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, amidst the many papers I had signed with my parents on the first day, I had signed away my soul as well. And the worst part was I couldn`t complain to anyone because this was something I chose to do all by myself. For the sake of art, I had entered a Hell.
It was a breath of fresh air when I spotted "Cap Guy" as I so ceremoniously knighted him. It wasn`t just the cap that made him stick out. He was a nonconformist all throughout. He stood taller than the majority of the students and his skin was pale, almost a sickly shade of white. And unlike the rest of the guys who wore short sleeves to get relief from the torturous heat, he wore long sleeved shirts. He never smiled either. He always carried a blank expression on his face even when with his tight nit group of friends. It wasn`t long before scribbles of him filled my little notebook. The writer in me had been intrigued.
Early in our first semester, without any formal introduction, we were paired with our seniors to help with the stage decorations for a program the school was conducting. It was tremendously awkward because we didn`t know any of them. Fearing ragging and the aftermath it would bring, the administration had put all possible stops to the interactions between seniors and juniors. We would later come to know that the seniors had been forbidden to approach us. It was during this little interlude from classes that I came to know that Cap Guy was in fact a senior.
The seniors were indifferent to us in the beginning, only acknowledging us when ordering us to do something. Yet the senior I had been paired up with wasn`t like the others. He was a chubby guy named Sunny who told corny jokes and laughed loudly. His and my laughter combined caused many a head to turn our way. I was grateful for my luck because the rest of my friends had been totally ignored by the seniors.
On the last night before the function, some of the seniors called us one by one to their small group, in an effort to get to know us. I observed them from a distance with my friends. We were a bit anxious. Although the threat of ragging had diminished, the possibility of saying something embarrassing made our palms become sweaty. My eyes were again pulled to the Cap Guy. He was cutting some intricate design on a piece of paper, barely acknowledging what was happening in front of him.
"Your turn." my friend whispered to me as she reached back to the safety of our huddle.
I swallowed.
"Don`t worry, it wasn`t so bad." she consoled.
I slowly made my way to the small group, plastering on my ever cheesy smile. The senior I befriended, Sunny, rolled his eyes before grinning back at me. The others were stiff and did not budge from their antagonistic expressions. They threw questions at me from left and right as if they were cops and I a newly caught convict. I answered their queries as dignified as I could. At one point when there was a lull, Cap Guy started to open his mouth, but was immediately drowned out by Sunny. He threw an arm over Cap Guy`s shoulder and made fun of him. I smiled, waiting patiently for them to finish.
Not able to bear the curiosity any longer, I finally addressed Cap Guy. "I`m sorry, what were you going to say?"
His head was down.
The rest of them, laughing, quickly dismissed me. I left them, seething silently. He had wanted to ask me something.
He accompanied the choir for the welcome mass before the function. It was the first time I saw him without his trusted cap. He had short, trim hair. My mouth opened in awe as he played piece after piece. The old boring hymns were suddenly more interesting to me now. Not just because of the pianist, but because life was breathed into the pieces. It wasn`t only me who was left impressed. A lot of people went up to him after the ceremony to congratulate him, he only nodded stiffly. There were many who would`ve died for the attention he was receiving, but it was like he didn`t want it, as if he wasn`t even bothered by it.
When I saw him next, my friends and I were in an incriminating position. We were in the process of sneaking out of the highly guarded campus. The seniors looked at us knowingly and we grinned sheepishly. One of my friends explained where we were off to and they gave us their blessings and even offered advice on how to sneak back in. I glanced over at Cap Guy who remained silent and impassive as his friends continued to talk to us. After a couple of seconds, as if feeling my gaze, he looked straight at me. I was caught. I couldn`t look away. The girl in me was challenged. I wondered if I could...
Before completing my thought process, I grinned up at him.
He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
I continued to smile widely and he continued to stare at me suspiciously with those strikingly brown eyes.
When my smile almost neared the point of painful and awkward, he slowly lifted his lips in a grimace.
I shook my head and widened my grin further, trying, if possible, to display all my teeth.
He chuckled softly.
We were jerked out of our silent conversation by our friends. As I was being hauled to the bus stop, I gave him one last look. His eyes were vibrant, playful almost. Finally, he grinned at me with teeth showing and all.
It was then I realized this was more than writer`s intrigue. This was dangerous.
My friend and I ran into Sunny and a few other seniors after one of our classes the following week.
"There`s someone who has been looking for you." Sunny informed me.
"Yea?"
"Nate."
"Nate?" I asked confused, looking at my friend. She didn`t seem to know that was either.
"Nathanial."
"Who is that?"
"You know the tall, fair one..." My mind went into overdrive as he continued talking. Cap Guy had a name and he had been asking about me. I tried to hide the smile that was threatening to take over my face.
"Oh..." I said nonchalantly, "Tell him I said hi then."
"You tell him by yourself. He`s in the reading room." Another senior ordered with a smirk.
I swallowed. I had not pictured the conversation going this way.
"Wait, never mind, there he is..." I turned around and indeed, there he was, coming out of the reading room with cap and all.
"Oy, Nate! Come here!"
He looked caught off guard when he saw me and my friend with his group. He gestured to go, but then, they kept calling him over. He looked irritated. I immediately turned back around as he made his way to us, my heart beating faster than I ever felt it before. He slid in between his two friends, looking down at his feet.
"You were looking for her, right Nate?"
I swore I heard a growl coming from him.
"Well, she`s here in front of you."
He slowly raised his head and looked at my friend who raised an eyebrow.
"Why the hell are you looking at her for? Look at her." Sunny ordered, nudging Cap Guy`s chin in my direction.
He looked at me.
"Hi." I raised my hand and waved meekly.
He nodded and looked down.
My hand fell limply to my side.
Silence.
Awkwardness.
Laughter.
Embarrassment.
"Um... We have to go. Bye!" I said suddenly, cheeks burning, yanking my unwilling friend down the hallway with me.
I think it took at least three days for my heart to calm down, but it could have been more with both my friend and my traitorous brain reminding me about the incident. Needless to say, I didn`t see Cap Guy, er Nate, for the next few weeks. Between the two of us, we managed to avoid each other well.
We were by ourselves the next time we saw each other. He was coming down the stairs and I was climbing up. When we saw each other, at first we both looked away awkwardly, shyly. I shook my head. What was I doing? I was no coward. When I looked back up at him, he was also looking down at me. We both laughed. He gave me a grin as he passed. Gosh. His grin was something else. I put my hand on my stomach. It felt like butterflies were frigging mating in there.
Our silent yet expressive meetings continued throughout the year. I felt like I was transported into the previous era, the era which my parents grew up in, the era where guys and girls never spoke to each other in a public setting, but where their eyes communicated all they wished to say. There was something magical and innocent about that era.
The magic was almost over though. I had forgotten it was their final year. He was leaving. I was at a loss as what to do. Cap Guy had been my oasis in this desert. With my muse gone, would I still be able to bring forth my creativity? I wasn`t sure. And then, there was the other thing, the thing I kept pushing down when it kept cropping up. What would I do about that? I sighed as I stared at the scribbles I had made throughout the year.
It was the last day of exams. He was with a group of his friends in the court yard. He smiled as he saw me and that was all the confidence I needed.
He slid away from his friends as I walked toward him.
Gathering up all my courage, I pushed my little notebook into his hands.
"For you... I-I like you." I blurted out finally, quickly looking down as soon as I had confessed.
Silence.
My cheeks heated as I waited. I slowly pulled my head up to look at him. His mouth was open, almost as if he was at a loss as what to say. I looked towards his friends who were openly eavesdropping and they looked away guilty. My throat became dry as I turned to him. He looked pained and then, then I understood.
"I`m- I- Sorry." I choked out, before turning around and running.
I heard his friends calling my name, but I never stopped running. I was too embarrassed and heartbroken. I had put myself on the line and had been burned. I furiously held in the tears which were threatening to fall. Never, never again.
He and the other seniors left that day. I never saw him again and I never tried to. He didn`t even bother with me except for a letter which he had left my friends, an apology they said, but I tore it up angrily and begged them never to broach that subject with me again. They never did and I purposely overloaded myself to forget him. It worked for the most part because I had no time to think about him.
Many years later, I was reminded of him when I came across a cousin of mine playing a hauntingly beautiful composition, something unlike his usual style.
"That was beautiful." I whispered, tears filling my eyes as he finished.
"I know, right? All the girls love it."
I chuckled. "Of course, that`s why you choose to learn it."
"It`s not just that... I don`t know! It`s by this new musician. He`s really different. I mean, he can`t speak, but his pieces totally speak to the heart, you know?"
"He can`t speak?"
"Yea... He was in some sort of accident in his first year of college and he was like the only one who survived." My cousin explained. "Ever since then, he hasn`t been able to speak. Some kind of trauma or something."
"The composition I played right now was inspired by a girl who taught him how to smile again." he continued.
"That`s so romantic." I gushed.
"Like I said, girls fall in love with it."
He handed me his music book. "The lyrics are even more beautiful."
I skimmed through the lyrics and gasped when I saw familiar words, my words.
"I know." My cousin grinned. "You should`ve seen me when I first read it. I nearly bawled. Embarrassing."
I flipped the book to the first page and saw the composer`s name.
My heartbeat increased as if he were next to me.
The dedication page.
To you, my beautiful muse, I owe so much. At a time, when I thought my life was meaningless, you gave me a spark. Through your words, I learned it is not just about playing the notes; it is about feeling them as if they are your own emotions. The pain, the sorrow, the anger, the heartache, and the love- I finally allowed myself to feel it. I play in the hope that my music will reach you some day and that you will be able to understand why...
I let loose the tears which I refused that day and I cried.
