After I found out who my father was, it hurt badly because I always thought Mason was my father. A few weeks later, I got a text from Lenn, ie, and he said that he had found out that I knew he was my biological father. I wanted to have a relationship with him because I was never really close to Mason growing up. We had nice conversations, and he stepped up by getting me shoes and giving me an allowance. I never wanted money from him, I just wanted him to love me and show that I was his daughter. One weekend, I got into a fight with my abuela, and Lennie found out about it. He texted me and started yelling, started telling me what, and told me to do.
I don't like being told what to do in general, but when he started, it was different. I got so pissed off because I didn't understand how a man that wasn't in my life as my father for 14 years was telling me how to act and was trying to discipline me. We never really talked after that, except when I would say he or good morning. He rarely talked to me, and when I would reach out, he wouldn't keep the conversation going. I tried so damn hard to have a relationship with him because I wanted a father and he didn't want me. Time after time, he and his side of the family told me I was a mistake and wasn't supposed to happen. I knew that, but it hurts coming from the people you wanted to talk to and have in your life.
He stopped talking to me for a while and would send money on holidays or my birthday. I don't think he understood, I didn't care about the money; I just wanted one parent because I had lost one forever. I even tried reaching out to my stepdad, but like everyone else, he eventually stopped talking to me, and that hurt too. I started talking to my dad's side of the family more, and I loved them; they were nice, except for a few. His mother wanted me to be kept a secret so she wouldn't acknowledge me in public, and when we were alone, she was just like my abuela; she was rude and didn't think before speaking. Meanwhile, his father was the best grandfather I could ask for, his name was Frank, and he has always been there for me. He always wanted me to know about him because he wanted to be my grandfather.
I have started talking to him, and he's the sweetest person I know. From all of this, I had been under a lot of stress and was having problems. One nig, ht I had a very bad nightmar., I was a young kid, and I was lying on a bed with a man hunched over me. I couldn't see his face; I just knew it was a man. I woke up crying and turned my light on because I didn't know what had just happened. I had gone a talked to my sister Olivia and my therapist about it, and I wondered if I was ever sexually abused because it felt so real, but everyone I talked to said no, except my therapist, who said it could be a possibility. She told me, "When you're young and something bad happens, your mind pushes it to the back of your head so you can't see it or think about it. It does this because they want you to be happy, but the dream could have been a memory, yike a flashback, for instance.
" I was so upset and I didn't know what to think because I didn't know who could've done it. A few days later, I had another dream, and I saw the man who did it to me, it was MASON, he was hunched over me, and I could remember everything. I saw the color house we were in and which room I was in. I described the house to my sister Olivia, and she said it was our very first house when we moved to Florida. When I realized this was real and what had happened I was scared and freaking out and then I did the math of how old I was when it happened. I was 4 YEARS OLD when he raped me and I couldn't understand how someone could do that to a little kid. When I was watching in my dream, I was scared and just watched the fan on the ceiling spin because I couldn't do anything else. I told my Aunt Sue and my grandparents, and they just told me to cut contact. He did that a long time ago. I'm just hoping this never happens again. I also know this was one of the things holding me back from my future, and another reason why I'm depressed.
The one thing I question is if anyone knew about it because these things happened in my family a lot. I wanted to talk to him again, just one more time, because I needed to ask him why, and I think that would help me move on, but he never talked to me again. A couple of weeks passed, and I left it alone..e I tried not to think about it because it's just better that way. I thought about what had happened because it kept replaying in my head, even at school, and I was getting emotional. I hate crying in front of people, but I ended up breaking down in front of my peers and a few of my teachers. That night, I decided to write a letter that I would most likely never send, but would help me get through things. In the letter, I had written "Dear Mason, I had a horrible nightmare and I couldn't bear it. I thought it was my imagination because I couldn't figure out what had happened or why I was having these dreams. I had a dream of a man touching me, hunched over my bed, he was all black, I couldn't tell who it was, the first night I had the dream. The next night, I saw the man, and I knew it was you, Mason. I know what happened and I know where and how old I was, but I'm wondering what you were thinking. What was the reason for doing this to a child? My mother and family trusted you, and so did I, but little did I know that's why I don't talk to or trust men in my life. I thought of you as my daughter, and I thought you thought of me as your daughter, but not. I might send this letter to you one day, but until then, I'm looking for closure, and on thatnthat e wheny w, when I send this, I will get clarity if you ever respond.
Sincerely, Liz."
New years was coming up and I was stressed and pissed and was just having a really hard time dealing with things. So on New Year's at midnight, I posted a post on Facebook that said Lennie was my father, his mother was my grandmother, his sister was my aunt, and so forth. I had gotten millions of calls and texts from him and his side of the family that weren't nice. Lennie texted me and said That's nice, putting my family's business out in the world.d I'm telling you no more communication"
After that, he blocked me, and so did his other kids. After that, his mom texted my aunt and said, "I hate her, I never say that without meaning it, and I rarely use that word. She had no right to do that and if she ever thought about having a relationship with me she screwed it up because I'm done talking to her. I don't even want to be around her or hear about her because she disgraced me so badly."I haven't talked to them since then but I just talked to my therapist and she asked me why I did it. I told her "honestly I didn't think it through it was an act on impulse and I didn't realize why. A couple of weeks later I was still thinking about that question because it kept playing in my head and I realized I did it because I was hoping if it got out I would be able to have a public relationship with them but I ended up screwing everything up. Now that I've had my space from them, I've realized I'm fine without them, and they were toxic. I'm happy to get things oandI don't have to be scared of them. Until tragedy struck again...
To Be Continued...
I don't like being told what to do in general, but when he started, it was different. I got so pissed off because I didn't understand how a man that wasn't in my life as my father for 14 years was telling me how to act and was trying to discipline me. We never really talked after that, except when I would say he or good morning. He rarely talked to me, and when I would reach out, he wouldn't keep the conversation going. I tried so damn hard to have a relationship with him because I wanted a father and he didn't want me. Time after time, he and his side of the family told me I was a mistake and wasn't supposed to happen. I knew that, but it hurts coming from the people you wanted to talk to and have in your life.
He stopped talking to me for a while and would send money on holidays or my birthday. I don't think he understood, I didn't care about the money; I just wanted one parent because I had lost one forever. I even tried reaching out to my stepdad, but like everyone else, he eventually stopped talking to me, and that hurt too. I started talking to my dad's side of the family more, and I loved them; they were nice, except for a few. His mother wanted me to be kept a secret so she wouldn't acknowledge me in public, and when we were alone, she was just like my abuela; she was rude and didn't think before speaking. Meanwhile, his father was the best grandfather I could ask for, his name was Frank, and he has always been there for me. He always wanted me to know about him because he wanted to be my grandfather.
I have started talking to him, and he's the sweetest person I know. From all of this, I had been under a lot of stress and was having problems. One nig, ht I had a very bad nightmar., I was a young kid, and I was lying on a bed with a man hunched over me. I couldn't see his face; I just knew it was a man. I woke up crying and turned my light on because I didn't know what had just happened. I had gone a talked to my sister Olivia and my therapist about it, and I wondered if I was ever sexually abused because it felt so real, but everyone I talked to said no, except my therapist, who said it could be a possibility. She told me, "When you're young and something bad happens, your mind pushes it to the back of your head so you can't see it or think about it. It does this because they want you to be happy, but the dream could have been a memory, yike a flashback, for instance.
" I was so upset and I didn't know what to think because I didn't know who could've done it. A few days later, I had another dream, and I saw the man who did it to me, it was MASON, he was hunched over me, and I could remember everything. I saw the color house we were in and which room I was in. I described the house to my sister Olivia, and she said it was our very first house when we moved to Florida. When I realized this was real and what had happened I was scared and freaking out and then I did the math of how old I was when it happened. I was 4 YEARS OLD when he raped me and I couldn't understand how someone could do that to a little kid. When I was watching in my dream, I was scared and just watched the fan on the ceiling spin because I couldn't do anything else. I told my Aunt Sue and my grandparents, and they just told me to cut contact. He did that a long time ago. I'm just hoping this never happens again. I also know this was one of the things holding me back from my future, and another reason why I'm depressed.
The one thing I question is if anyone knew about it because these things happened in my family a lot. I wanted to talk to him again, just one more time, because I needed to ask him why, and I think that would help me move on, but he never talked to me again. A couple of weeks passed, and I left it alone..e I tried not to think about it because it's just better that way. I thought about what had happened because it kept replaying in my head, even at school, and I was getting emotional. I hate crying in front of people, but I ended up breaking down in front of my peers and a few of my teachers. That night, I decided to write a letter that I would most likely never send, but would help me get through things. In the letter, I had written "Dear Mason, I had a horrible nightmare and I couldn't bear it. I thought it was my imagination because I couldn't figure out what had happened or why I was having these dreams. I had a dream of a man touching me, hunched over my bed, he was all black, I couldn't tell who it was, the first night I had the dream. The next night, I saw the man, and I knew it was you, Mason. I know what happened and I know where and how old I was, but I'm wondering what you were thinking. What was the reason for doing this to a child? My mother and family trusted you, and so did I, but little did I know that's why I don't talk to or trust men in my life. I thought of you as my daughter, and I thought you thought of me as your daughter, but not. I might send this letter to you one day, but until then, I'm looking for closure, and on thatnthat e wheny w, when I send this, I will get clarity if you ever respond.
Sincerely, Liz."
New years was coming up and I was stressed and pissed and was just having a really hard time dealing with things. So on New Year's at midnight, I posted a post on Facebook that said Lennie was my father, his mother was my grandmother, his sister was my aunt, and so forth. I had gotten millions of calls and texts from him and his side of the family that weren't nice. Lennie texted me and said That's nice, putting my family's business out in the world.d I'm telling you no more communication"
After that, he blocked me, and so did his other kids. After that, his mom texted my aunt and said, "I hate her, I never say that without meaning it, and I rarely use that word. She had no right to do that and if she ever thought about having a relationship with me she screwed it up because I'm done talking to her. I don't even want to be around her or hear about her because she disgraced me so badly."I haven't talked to them since then but I just talked to my therapist and she asked me why I did it. I told her "honestly I didn't think it through it was an act on impulse and I didn't realize why. A couple of weeks later I was still thinking about that question because it kept playing in my head and I realized I did it because I was hoping if it got out I would be able to have a public relationship with them but I ended up screwing everything up. Now that I've had my space from them, I've realized I'm fine without them, and they were toxic. I'm happy to get things oandI don't have to be scared of them. Until tragedy struck again...
To Be Continued...
Support alyssa 
