From as far as I can remember I have always been discriminated,degraded, mocked,bullied and harassed by people around me, people I have some relationships with; classmates, school mates,teachers,family and people in the community,be it peers, be it elders. It was all because of the way I look, the way the creator made me to look like. I also started to view myself as what they saw in me, a MONKEY. Some would say a gorilla some a baboon but they're all related to mokeys.
From as far back as I can remember, I've been subjected to discrimination, degradation, mockery, bullying, and harassment by those around me – including classmates, schoolmates, teachers, family members, and community members. The reason for this treatment was always the same: my appearance. The way I was created, the way I look. Their words took root, and I began to see myself through their eyes – as something less than human, with cruel labels they of animals they compared me to like 'monkey,' 'gorilla,' or 'baboon.' Their hurtful comments shaped my self-image, making it hard for me to see my own worth.
I had zero confidence in myself. I cried often and struggled with self-hatred, avoiding eye contact with my own reflection in the mirror. It was hard to say anything positive to myself because the negative messages from others had taken root in my mind. From as young as 8, I was made to feel like I had no value or beauty, like I was less than human. Those hurtful words stuck with me, making it tough to see my worth.
I started school in Lesotho, living with my grandmother until 5th grade. During that time, I faced relentless bullying – being called ugly, compared to a monkey, and mocked like I was a toy without feelings. But the hurtful comments from outsiders paled in comparison to the sting of hearing similar words from my own family member. One day, I overheard my grandmother say to my mom, 'This child of yours is so ugly; I really hope she grows out of it.' That moment felt like a knife to the heart. It was devastating to realize that even the person I trusted most didn't see my beauty. That moment solidified my belief that I was indeed ugly.
After completing 5th grade, I moved to South Africa, my birth country, to live with my parents. I thought that finally, I wouldn't be criticized and discriminated against for the way I looked; however, it got worse. The hurt was more intense than before because now I was growing, and as a girl grows, it's essential to feel beautiful and have confidence in herself. Unfortunately, I believed I lacked beauty, and therefore, I had no confidence at all.
My 7th grade year was the worst. I had a teacher who once made a joke about me. The classroom fell silent, and he said, "Let me make an example." Everyone was quietly looking at him as he pointed at me and said, "Let's say a monkey is eating a banana." The class erupted in laughter, while I felt like my heart was pierced. I felt like I could vanish into thin air and never come back. What hurt the most was that the teacher, who should have been a source of comfort and support for his students, was the one bullying me, and he even laughed along with everyone else. That made me to not trust any teacher ever since then.
As I entered high school, we moved to another town, and the same pattern of hurtful comments resumed. For the first year, it was relentless, and I felt exhausted. I wondered how people expected me to feel when they said such things. The constant barrage of negativity had taken its toll, and I finally reached my breaking point. One day, in a moment of desperation, I even considered ending it all. I had poured rat poison into a glass of juice and said, "God, I've had enough. I've cried, I've cried, I've cried – it's enough now." But just as I was about to drink it, something inside me clicked. I thought, "No, I can't do this. I'm here, and things may get better in the future. I may find beauty, and everything may turn out okay." So, I poured the toxic mixture down the sink, washed the glass, and chose to move forward with my life.
From grade 9 onwards, things started to improve. The bullying gradually stopped, but the damage to my self-esteem and confidence lingered. I struggled to shake off the negative thoughts and feelings that had been planted in me. Even in matric, when I tried to date someone, my insecurities and doubts about my appearance resurfaced, and the relationship didn't last a day. It was clear that I had a long way to go in terms of healing and rebuilding my sense of self-worth. A lot of emotional baggage needed to be unpacked, and I had to break free from the mental prison that others had inadvertently created for me.
I ingrained in my head that God made each of us uniquely and differently. Each one of us was made to perfection of what God wanted us to be; and this is how I am. I have to love myself as I was made to be because I am art. I am the one who chooses what to do, I won't let anybody to tell me what I am. I choose what to take and what to not take. I look at my self now and say "you're a product of art". I now love myself and see how beautiful I am each day I take a look at my self in the mirror. It was not an easy and short jouney because the image they made me see as my reflection was deeply ingrained in me and it took years to get over it. I learned that in order to know yourself you have to love yourself because without self-love you just go with the flow.
I've come to believe that God creates each of us uniquely and differently, making us perfect just the way we are. I've learned to love and accept myself as I am, seeing myself as a work of art. I'm in control of my life, and I won't let others define my worth. I choose what to internalize and what to let go of. When I look in the mirror, I remind myself, 'You're a product of art.' Now, I see my beauty and love myself more with each passing day. It wasn't an easy journey, though – the negative images others reflected back at me were deeply ingrained, and it took years to overcome them. I've learned that self-love is essential to self-discovery; without it, you're just drifting through life.
People should be mindful of their words, as they have the power to either uplift or destroy. The impact of hurtful comments can be extreme, leaving lasting scars on vulnerable individuals. Words can become deeply ingrained, leading to self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Instead of causing harm, we should strive to spread positivity and kindness. I've chosen to forgive those who wronged me, as it's the only way I can move forward and heal. Forgiveness has been a crucial step in my journey towards self-love and recovery.
-Wonder T