I am not perfect, and neither are you in fact neither is anyone out there living in this world today, how I wonder if the world has gone completely to gray.
I have so many questions I want to know how, or why I am how I am without reason, or why. How are
You the way that you guys really
are, it seems as if we are so far, and apart in this world that seems to have kept us quite far apart, and a way it seems as if all of the colors have all gone to gray.
So many questions that run deep in my mind, questions such as why am I always this way, why do I feel as if I'm fading away. How sad life has been to live without you deep in my mind I fell beyond utter confusion of why I cannot act in a much better, and more proper way.
Why can I not feel the love, and compassion you have so freely tried to give unto me as it I cannot allow myself to be loved by not only you, but those also the world that brings such good upon me, why can I not be normal, or say kind words, or appreciate those things you have done for my sister, and I. Why do I feel so lonely to which makes me cry out in pain of why I cannot be more kind, and loving as you guys have tried to show me the the good way, how come it is I cannot follow you in a more proper way.
No family is perfect to say so would be quite very untrue, why is it that I quickly forget about all the good times, and amazing things you have done for Gina, and I. Why is it that I set aside the good attributes that you have taught me whenever you could. How is it that I am willing to throw the good things away you have taught up to this day when I get so frustrated, and mad don't you see the life I have been living is quite sad.
My anger, my temper, my inner self hate controls me as if I have nothing to lose when I snap which is hardly a true given fact. Why have I never been able to trust you as the loving people you are, how I have convinced my mind since I was but a small child living as if I was wild.
How is it that I remember the times you guys hurt me not knowing no parent is perfect nor is there a book that teaches a mother, and father how to raise their own family in the best of all ways.
I've never understood how to be a great parent as you guys have tried to be all along. Why did I never appreciate the little things that you two have given to me, and have done in what way you saw to be proper the best that you could have done at the time, how is it that I never fully enjoyed what you had to offer for me. How could I have been so stubborn and scared all this time to make a connection with you as a child should do, why is it that I could never trust in you as my parents of love. Wanting what's best just for me, on each day just so I could live life in a more beautiful way.
It all comes back to my inner child, the voices I've listened to deep in my mind telling me that one day all will be left behind as I was as a small infant, a child lost in the wild.
I was predestined to fail in so many ways that I had done, and continue to do. As I sit here thinking of both of you guys I feel so awful for the wrongful things I have done, the hurtful words that I have said about you it eats at my at my mind when I constantly seem as if I continue to fail in life in the aspect of love, kindness, forgiveness, and all thee above. How can I live life as if I'm above those around me I act as if I don't give a damn, or don't care about those many great things you two have done, and and given to me how can I throw all that priceless good times m, and all those things you have given to me when I become so angry.
I speak out of anger, I speak out of line, I talk of things I really know nothing about for I am not a parent like you, or will ever be all so great, that's not because I am angry, but rather I have so much pempt up inner self hate.
I think to myself what I have been taught not only by you, but also the world we live in each day. I come to the conclusion of my inner thinking, and why I fall short. For I use anger as a natural way to deflect you guys from my mind for it is said I have never been able to love anytime.
Anger is a secondary emotion masking the primary emotion of sadness deep within my heart, and my mind. It's no wonder I'm able to snap on a dime. I am able to point my finger at you when I'm mad with myself, when I'm frustrated by things you may say, and occasionally do though I know your intentions were never to hurt me, or leave me all on my own to deal with life's problems as if I have no one to turn to and be honest with what's really going on in my head mostly because I hate talking about wanting to be dead, and away soghat I can no longer hurt loved ones as you.
When it comes down to it, it's not ever been about trusting you guys, but rather convincing myself of my own lies. Telling myself all throughout my life as a child until now as a sort of grown up I am that you guys don't love me, that I have no real friend within the both of you, for the subconscious of a mind abnormal young mind has always convinced myself I have never mattered to you, or this world I'm in, what a sad way to live life in that sort of dark blend.
As I come to the conclusion of what I was trying to say, is that the world has much color within it. It's something I hope, and believe it is true. To which I want to say once again I am sorry for the cruel things I have said, and I've done without thinking about which has affected the both of you in a sad, and dark way. I really want to not be sick in my mind for I am unhealthy with thinking errors, and many fallacies just know that none of the dark things that I think of, or say. Has ever come from the way that you as my parents had raised me, and taught me to be. My mind has always been so sad, and depressed it has nothing to do with being represented or even oppressed.
My worst enemy is myself for my mind tells me things about me that has always given me a natural self hate, and that is what's sad to me in this life is how I was never able to come to you as my parents with trust for I had quit the self doubts that seemed to come out from out of thin blue how I regret many things I have said, and have done to which have affected you guys in a negative way in the aspect of creating a son to parent inner bond, and a trust I hope that you as my parents know these things are hard for me to express, and just say.
I want to build a relationship with you two that I've always wanted more than anything than anyone could go buy or be given to me I just wished I had lived life feeling without this inner hate, and mistrust just know it had very little to do with what you as my parents may had done or had to tell, me and say that I am at the time only recognized as I hurt rather than have a healing bond of a parent to son that I trust.
Yet here I am saying sorry again, yet I want to live in the present. Which means not forgetting the past wrongs I have done but picking myself back upon my feet so I can go day by day, and be as good as you two have been to myself to my mind that has gone wild like a sadden gray child.
Tomorrow is a new day upon earth to which I will try once again to be more appreciative about life, and all that both of you have given me, and have done. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for my anger I let take control of me, and my mind for I am done making excuses for why I am not where, or who I want to be it has taken a toll upon my body, and mind living in such a darkness to which I self blame not only me but everyone that has done so much for me.
One day all soon recognize the many good things that you guys have done and continue to do. I just wish learning these things was a lot easier than I have allowed myself to be learned at such a rate in my heart, and in the depth of my mind. I'm truly grateful for your love, and compassion, and all of your time.
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