Weekend Break

The vicar's wife, who was small of stature and somewhat physically rotund, turned the old brass door knob with both of her chubby hands and with a determined grunt, she forcefully shoulder barged the rickety wooden door with her left shoulder. The door, which had swollen slightly during the winter months, instantly gave way under her considerable weight and while still hanging on tightly to the door knob, she swung into the bungalow in an ungraceful stumbling arc. Luckily, she managed to stay on her feet which greatly impressed Norman, as her small portly frame did not suggest that she would possess such nimble footwork. The incident instantly brought to his mind, the image of a Disney cartoon elephant performing an elegant ballet move. "There then, that's got it, nothing that a spot of oil and a hefty shoulder barge won't fix," the eager vicar's wife declared as she brushed down her Harris Tweed skirt with her small podgy hands and stepped further into the wooden built bungalow. The bungalow was topped with a corrugated tin roof and looked to be in dire need of repair and a lick of paint. She then declared pleasantly, "Well here we are then gentlemen, this is the place. Do step inside and make yourselves at home." Norman, who was dressed in a colourful Hawaiian short sleeved shirt and white baggy shorts which he believed made him look younger than he actually was, sighed heavily, looked despondently down at his right leg which was encased up to his knee in a plaster cast and said to himself, "Well, here we go then old son, there's no backing out now, in for a penny, in for a pound." Carefully he placed the two awkward wooden crutches before him, which the local cottage hospital had furnished him with and slowly he shuffled forward into the bungalows dismal interior. He was closely followed by his younger brother Eric who was wearing a lightweight jacket that was badly creased; long khaki scoutmaster shorts that helped hide his bony knees, short black socks and brown open toe leather sandals. Balancing precariously upon his crutches, Norman gazed upon the sight before him with utter disbelief. It was worse than he'd anticipated. The sight of the exterior of the wooden bungalow that he'd seen as he'd struggled to extract himself out of Eric's car had been a shock, as the building, although situated in the green and pleasant English countryside, reminded him of a makeshift bungalow that had been erected in the Australian outback during its gold rush days, but now he found that the interior was unbelievably worse. He'd not seen such a shabby living room since he'd been a grubby backstreet child back in the nineteen forties. And that particular room had been in the run down area of the blitzed city where his grandparents had lived and that he now recalled, had been at least thirty odd years ago, when a simple jar of jam had been looked upon as a luxury." What's that new film that's doing the rounds?" He thought to himself with a touch of irony, "Back to the Future. Well this dump has gone one better, if anything it's a leap back into the dark ages, King Arthur and his bloody round table are probably buried around the back." As he looked around, he saw that the rectangular room contained an old sagging settee which was set against the far wall and had three odd cushions piled upon it, a couple of unmatched armchairs and an old wooden table that dominated the centre of the room. An old wooden sideboard stood between two bedroom doors and had for some inexplicable reason, a large plaster model of an ugly fish perched upon it. Unbelievably, on his right hand side, right next to the entrance doorway that they had just entered by, a very rough wooden bunk bed had been erected against the wall, which was evidently meant for two persons. Knocking his right hand crutch against one of its stout wooden legs, he thought cynically, "Well it certainly fits in well with my image of the Australian gold rush days that's for sure; in fact I've seen much better furniture thrown onto a November bonfire." The shabby room, which hadn't been decorated for many a year, possessed two windows, one at the front of the premises next to the entrance doorway on his left and a larger one in the rear wall. There were two doors on each side of the room, three of which had been amateurishly numbered in black paint, one, two and three, which he presumed were bedrooms and the fourth was crudely marked with the word "kitchen." "When this is all over, I'll kill that stupid brother of mine." Norman thought wistfully as he slowly looked around the room once more while hoping against hope that his first impression had somehow been a cruel illusion. "I should have done away with him years ago. Having him around and his inspired help is worse than being lumbered with Laurel and bloody Hardy." "It's all very basic of course, but you anglers don't mind that sort of thing do you?" The vicar's wife pointed out, while smiling pleasantly and rubbing her chubby hands together, "Man against the elements as it were." And then glancing at the way Norman and Eric were dressed, she added, "Though I must say gentlemen, you don't exactly look like the usual anglers that hire our Shangri-La." "Shangri'-La?" Norman spluttered, somewhat surprised, "Is that what this er? this place is called?" "Oh, that's just our little joke Mr. King," The vicar's wife explained with a shrill titter, "Henry and I, that's my husband you know, we always refer to the place as Shangri-La. It's our little joke. It always makes Henry laugh, about the only thing that does these days. Between you and me, he seems to be on a different planet at times, but you don't want to know about that do you? But I can assure you Mr. King, you will be well away from the hurly burly of city life in this little haven." "Boy! You can say that again." Norman muttered under his breath as the sunlight coming in from the front window reflected off the large gold medallion that he always wore around his neck to show the world that he was a very successful and go getting business man. "Pardon?" The vicar's wife asked expectantly, "What was that Mr. King?" "I was just saying," Norman replied, while still shuffling around the room on his crutches, "It is rather secluded isn't it, it took us about half an hour to find the right village once we'd left the main road, never mind this cosy nook. A sign post or two would have helped." "I'm afraid we have so few visitors to the village these days, no ones ever got around to putting the sign posts back up once they'd fallen down Mr. King," The vicar's wife explained with a shrug, "And as most of us were born around here, we all know exactly where we are, so, we don't really need them you see."

"Er? if you don't mind me asking," Norman asked, while resting on his crutches and looking a little puzzled, "Why are there bunk beds in the living room? I take it, this is the living room that we are standing in?"

"Yes I was wondering about that myself," Eric said as he pulled out a roughly folded letter from the pocket his lightweight sports jacket, a jacket that had seen better days and was such a poor fit that it looked as if it belonged to someone else and that he'd put it on by mistake. He began to peruse the letter and said, "Only the accommodation is described here, in your letter of acceptance, as er? "A pleasant country cottage with all mod cons, ideal for anglers who wish to experience sea fishing, far from the madding crowd." "Well there you are then," The vicar's wife beamed joyfully, "A wonderful description, even if I say it myself Mr. King. You couldn't find a quieter spot in the whole of England." And with that said, she walked over to the door that had the word Kitchen crudely painted upon it and began struggling with the door knob. "But it says here, "A pleasant country cottage." Eric pointed out. But the vicar's wife was far too occupied with the kitchen door to listen to what he was saying. Once more she put her determined shoulder to the door and once more she swung into a gapping space, when it suddenly swung open, but this time her nibble footwork let her down rather badly and she crashed into an assortment of kitchen wear that tumbled onto the linoleum covered floor and clattered noisily. As she staggered back into the living room, she swept a loose lock of hair off her round face and said, "Damn doors seem to be sticking, you're the first to rent this year you see and the place is still a little damp, but never mind, it will soon warm up and dry out." Norman gave Eric a withering look and reminded himself that when all this was over he would definitely have to do something about his gormless brother. After all, enough was enough, no one could be expected to put up with such incompetence, not even from a younger brother. As for Eric, he just ran his fingers through his mop of unruly hair, shrugged his shoulders submissively and smiled wanly. "There you are then gentlemen," The vicar's wife declared brightly, "There are your mod cons, a fully equipped kitchen, with a very good Calor gas stove. Been in the family for years that stove has, never let us down once, well not since the Queens coronation in 1953 anyway."

"So that's the fully equipped kitchen is it?" Norman said without a trace of enthusiasm, "A bit cramped in there isn't it?" "It is a little on the small side," The vicar's wife agreed, "Only room for two really, but it's ideal for anglers, the whole place is. You mark my words, after bobbing about on the open sea all day while catching fish; this place will feel like a luxury hotel." "Yes, you're probably right about that," Norman agreed, who was far from convinced and realized that his loud mouthed gobby wife Sonia, who was yet to see the place in all its glory, would be even less convinced, "I'll take your word for it." "I say, I have got this right haven't I?" The vicars wife asked a little worriedly, "You do intend to fish while your here don't you? Only as I said before, you don't exactly look like the usual anglers that we have staying here." "Oh yes, we're seasoned anglers all right," Eric piped up a little panicky, "That's the only reason we booked this place, no other reason I assure you." Then swinging his right hand around expressively he added, "No, it's just what we wanted, the beds and a kitchen and lights and a stove, just the job. Exactly what we wanted isn't it Norman?" Norman in a flat unenthusiastic tone replied, "Perfect, couldn't be better" and looked at Eric with utter contempt. "Oh good," The vicars wife replied happily, "I'm so glad that you like it and I hope you'll be very successful with your fishing expeditions."

"Can't wait to get at it," Eric declared a little over excitedly, while rubbing his hands together in anticipation, "I'll probably go out and land a couple of perch for supper later on." "Perch?" The vicar's wife asked, a look of puzzlement on her chubby face, "Surely you mean mackerel Mr. King?" "Oh yes, mackerel." Eric replied in panic, "Of course that's what I meant to say, slip of the tongue. A bit of what you might call Jet lag and all that." "Well, as I was saying." The vicar's wife continued as she walked around the shabby room, "You'll find that the accommodation is a little bit basic, but it's clean and practical." "Just like a prison," Norman thought and then, while forcing a smile he asked, "It's a bit of an unusual layout isn't it? I mean having a bunk bed in the living room?" "Do you know Mr. King, I've never thought of it being unusual." The vicar's wife replied pleasantly as she looked around the shabby room, "But to answer your question, the place was originally built to accommodate prisoners of war you see. They worked on the land around here you see."

"When was that then?" Eric asked, with a deeper puzzled look upon his usual puzzled face. "Oh, during the war, and for a few years after of course." The vicar's wife explained, "Yes that's the reason for the cottage being here in the first place and after they'd all dispersed in the late forties, the place was abandoned for many years and then Henry and I, that's my husband you know, decided to purchase the place and turn it into a secluded holiday cottage." "And no expense spared." Norman muttered to himself with disgust. "Pardon? What was that Mr. King?" The smiling vicar's wife asked.

"Oh nothing important, just thinking aloud." Norman answered as he gazed around the well-worn room, "Prisoners of war eh. Well now it all begins to make sense, this home made bunk bed and all."

"Did any of the prisoners escape?" Eric asked excitedly, whose vivid imagination always had a tendency to run away with him. "Oh, goodness me no, they were quite free to come and go as they pleased. I mean to say, why would they want to escape?" The vicar's wife chuckled merrily. Norman, having shuffled over to the window that was next to the entrance door, thought that he could supply several reasons for absconding from this crummy dump, but decided to keep them to himself for the time being, as he had to keep his mind on his master plan. "I was just admiring the view through this window," He then said flatly and without a trace of humour, "I expect when it's cleaned, one can see for miles." "Oh yes, I must say, the countryside around here is delightful," The vicars wife exclaimed with joy, "You must take the time to explore it while you're here." "I'm sure we will." Norman replied politely as he shuffled away from the window. "I see that you have hurt your leg Mr. King," The vicar's wife observed as she watched him shuffling awkwardly about on his crutches, "Do you think it is wise to go out to sea with such a large plaster cast on your leg? I mean if anything untoward should happen, heaven forbid, you would be in dire trouble." "I assure you, I shall endeavour to wear a life jacket at all times." Norman replied pleasantly and then giving Eric an accusing look he added, "One never knows when one is liable to have an accident, does one?" Eric then stepped over to the window while looking a little sheepish and pretended to take in the view while whistling tunelessly. "Oh yes, your quite right of course Mr. King," The vicars wife agreed, and then pointing to his plastered leg added, "But you must admit, it is rather unusual for a man to go fishing out at sea with a plaster cast of that magnitude." "Well actually," Norman replied as he made his way across the room and after putting his crutches to one side, awkwardly sat down on the sagging settee, "When we booked this er? whatever it's called, I didn't know I was going to have an accident and fracture my lower leg, in fact I didn't know until four hours ago. I assure you when it happened; I was just as surprised as anyone." "It happened on the way down here you see," Eric explained quickly, "Norman was driving the wrong car." "He was driving the wrong car?" The puzzled vicar's wife asked while shaking her head from side to side, "I don't understand, does he often do that?" "Oh no, nothing like that," Eric explained rapidly, "It's quite simple really. You see we stopped at a service station cafe for breakfast and when we came out, Norman got into Paul's car and Paul got into Normans car and, well I couldn't warn Norman then could I? There just wasn't time." With a sense of urgency, Norman jumped up off the settee and as he grabbed his crutches with both hands he intervened quickly and said, "Yes well, I think you've said quite enough for now Eric, it was all very illuminating, but I'm quite sure the vicars wife doesn't want to know all the boring details of our little mishap." "It's Bertha actually." The vicar's wife pointed out, a pleasant smile lighting up her plump rosy cheeked face.

"What is?" Norman replied, a look of confusion on his face.

"My name." The vicar's wife stated, "You called me the vicar's wife."

"Well you are aren't you?" Norman questioned. "Yes, but my name is Bertha." The vicar's wife pointed out, "And you're quite wrong you know."

"I am?" Norman asked a little puzzled. "Yes, I'd love to know all the boring details pertaining to your accident." With an air of resigned defeat, Norman realized that he would have to supply the nosey bitch with some sort of explanation before dopey Eric went and dropped them right in the mire. "Yes, well there's nothing much to it really." He said, "What Eric was trying to say was that the car that I was driving at time of the accident wasn't my car, it was my business partners car, Mr. Paul Smeaton and it had somehow developed faulty brakes while we were at breakfast and after pulling off the motorway and making our way through the pleasant country lanes, the car failed to stop at a tee junction and we went sailing on to demolish a farm gate and a pig sty and I unfortunately ended up with a fractured leg." With that said, he once more gave Eric a withering look and added, "And now Paul's new Ford Capri is a wreck and is parked up at a garage a few miles from here." "Ah, now I see, the accident happened on your way down here." Bertha exclaimed with delight, then asked with delayed concern, "Was anyone else hurt in the accident?" "No, no one else." Norman replied, while shaking his head from side to side and forcing a smile that hid his true feelings, "Only lucky old me."

"And the pigs Norm," Eric pointed out who had been listening with intense concentration, "Don't forget the pigs Norm, they went in all directions." "Oh, silly me." Norman replied sarcastically, "What with being dragged out of the wrecked car and trundled off to the cottage hospital in agony, I'd quite forgotten about the poor pigs. How selfish of me, how are they Eric? A little shaken are they?" "Well I bet Sonia hasn't forgotten about the pigs." Eric pointed out defensively, "She ended up covered in pig swill." "Yes, now you come to mention it," Norman replied sarcastically, "I do recall hearing her dulcet tones complaining about her summer dress being ruined as I writhed about in excruciating agony." "Sonia did you say?" Bertha asked inquisitively. "Sonia is my wife," Norman explained with a false smile, "The light of my life. She's with the others down at the village store purchasing a few supplies for our quiet weekend in this er? what was it? "A pleasant country cottage with all mod cons." They should be here soon. That's if they can find the entrance to the lane that's leads one here." "Oh yes Mr. King, your quite right. One can so easily miss the lanes entrance." Bertha agreed with a nod of the head, "A blessing in disguise as Henry would say, that's my husband you know. Well I'd better Billy Whizz back down the lane toot sweet and direct your better half in the right direction hadn't I? We don't want them getting lost do we?" "I'm never that lucky," Norman automatically thought of saying, but instead said, "Would you care for a lift? Eric can soon run you back down to the village. It's quite safe, it's his own car you see, guaranteed untampered with." He then gave Eric a severe questioning look that was full of menacing meaning. Bertha, while striding over to the open doorway stated cheerfully, "No thank you Mr. King, it's no bother at all, it's less than half a mile to the village." "Is it?" Norman replied a little surprised, "I'd have sworn the lane was longer than that, it must be bouncing over all those bumps and pot holes that makes it seem longer." "Yes, it is a bit rough isn't it?" Bertha agreed, "Still, I'm used to striding out you know, I've always had good strong legs. Henry, that's my husband, has always, complimented me on my legs, better than a Shire horse's old gel, he says." Norman and Eric looked at each other and simultaneously thought, "Whatever turns you on Henry." But all Norman allowed himself to say was "Does he indeed. Well who are we to argue with the learned gentleman." "Well must be orf." Bertha said, "And if there is anything that you require, just pop down to the vicarage, we're at your service, night and day and if I don't see you before, I'll see you all on Sunday morning. Toodle-loo." And with that said, off she went, her chubby arms swinging backwards and forwards in military fashion and her strong sturdy legs striding out with purpose. "Bye, see you soon." Eric called after her as he watched her tubby figure marching down the rough lane that made its way between a tunnel of overgrown trees and wild hedgerow bushes which grew on either side and gave it an air of eerie foreboding.

As Eric turned back into the room, Norman while balancing on his crutches challenged him aggressively and demanded to know what Bertha meant by saying, "See you all Sunday morning." "Well," Eric explained apologetically, "When I booked this place, I er? just happened to mention that we were practising churchgoers. I thought with her being a vicars wife it would sound better that's all. I just thought that it would help with our cover story, you know, so no one would suspect that we were here to commit a murder." "You bloody fool!" Norman shrieked in a panic, his eyes bulging prominently out of his shocked face "I told you never to mention that word! You idiot, you never know who might be listening!" Then frantically waving his left hand crutch about he cried, "Quick, check out those bedrooms, make sure we're alone." Eric quickly checked the two small bedrooms that were situated on one side of the room while muttering "Why is it me all the time?" and Norman shuffled over to the kitchen that was on the other side of the room and entered its cramped space. He gazed around the claustrophobic kitchen space to make sure that no one was present and sighed with exasperation. "Good grief! It's like a bleeding mediaeval museum in here," he thought depressingly. He turned awkwardly on his crutches and with an effort, he made to make his way out of the so called kitchen just as Eric rushed in and crashed heavily into him. Norman, with a surprised yelp, fell backwards and landed heavily among an assortment of kitchen paraphernalia that included a galvanized mop bucket, a stack of different sized saucepans, a mop and an old well-worn broom. "Oh, sorry Norm," Eric exclaimed apologetically, "Are you alright?" "You stupid great oaf!" Norman bellowed as he struggled to right himself, "Why don't you look where you're going? Now get me up you incompetent bloody fool, can't you do anything right?"

"I've checked the bedrooms," Eric replied as he bent over and helped Norman up off the floor and retrieved his crutches for him, "And it's all clear, no one in any of them, mind you, they are a little on the small side, just a single bed, a bedside cupboard and bucket in each." With Eric's help, Norman shuffled back into the main room and Eric attempted to brush the dust off the back of Norman's bright garish summer shirt, but with little success. "Now you blithering idiot." Norman stated angrily, "Don't ever mention that word again. Not even in jest, is that clear?" "What word?" Eric asked, a lost thoughtful look upon his face, "Do you mean murder?" "Yes you bloody fool, murder!" Norman snapped angrily, "Oh good God! You've got me saying it now!" "But I thought that was the whole point in booking this place?" Eric questioned earnestly, "You said?" "I know what I said, you stupid great prune," Norman pointed out through gritted teeth, "I was there wasn't I?" "Well I'm completely confused," Eric confessed as he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, "If we're not here to murder Paul, what are we here for? Not for the blooming fishing surely? Only I'm very prone to seasickness." "Of course not, you dumbbell!" Norman snapped, while desperately trying to control his rising temper, "Come here Einstein and listen very carefully and I will try to explain it once more in simple English. We, that is you and me, are here, in this God forsaken hole in the middle of nowhere, for one reason and one reason only, to execute an accident. Not a murder, an accident. Think of it that way and you'll find it much easier to understand and it will sit much easier on your stupid conscience. Now, have you got it?" "Yes Norm." Eric replied while nodding his head in agreement. "Good." Norman said pleasantly and added, "It will be an unfortunate accident that will rid me of my insufferable smart arsed business partner and with the aid of the benevolent insurance company, will give yours truly the necessary capital to save the company from humiliating liquidation. There's little enough in the bank and the creditors are screaming for blood. We must get that insurance money Eric, or we, that's both of us, are up the Swanee with out a paddle." "But why will the insurance company give you the money and not his wife?" Eric asked, who was still having trouble understanding Norman's immoral plan. "Because dear brother, Paul and I are both insured to protect the company," Exasperated Norman explained, "She will probably have her own insurance policy, and if she hasn't?. well hard bloody luck."

"So you and Paul are both insured to protect the company." Eric said gleefully. "That's right little brother." Norman agreed, "You've got it at last." "So it wouldn't really matter to the business which one of you had an accident would it." Eric said thoughtfully. "The insurance company would pay up whoever had an accident wouldn't it?"

"Don't you even think about it, you incompetent moron." Norman growled menacingly as his glaring eyes bored into Eric like laser beams, "If I thought for one minute that you had tampered with the brakes on Paul's car, knowing that I was going to test drive it, I'd shove these crutches so far up your jacksey, you'd be walking on tiptoe for the rest of your life." "I didn't know." Eric protested excitedly, "Honest I didn't. It just seemed too good an opportunity to miss. You were all finishing breakfast and I came out of the toilet and I suddenly thought, why not fix the brakes on Paul's car and get the dirty deed over and done with before we actually got down here." "And just look how well that turned out." Norman snapped angrily as he lifted his plastered leg off the floor and glanced at it. "Look, if you don't need my help." Eric replied as he turned aside, "I'll be only too happy to step aside." "Oh no you don't, you don't get out of it that easily." Norman replied as he shook his head warningly, "May I remind you that the auditors move in soon and if I and the company go down the tube, you go down with me, your job, your wonderful semi-detached house and your little nest egg investment." "Of course I realize that," Eric answered apologetically, "But are you really sure that Paul doesn't suspect anything, after all he is your partner, surely he must have an inkling that the bloody business is on its last legs." "Paul may be a partner, but above all else, he's a salesman, which means he knows nothing about business." Norman sneered, "He's just like all salesmen, he's shallow and superficial, he loves the birds in the sky and is full of his own bloody self importance." "I just hope you're right about all this, that's all." Eric said worriedly.

"Of course I'm right, it couldn't be simpler." Norman stated confidently as he shuffled over to the front window and took in the view of the irregular rough grass field that fronted the run down bungalow. "We just go out to sea tomorrow for a little fishing and when the boat accidentally capsizes; only you and I will have a life jacket on and poor Paul, who is not a strong swimmer, will vanish beneath the waves and disappear from our lives forever. And all you have to do is come back here and say, with convincing distress, "We did everything possible to save him, but unfortunately he was swept away." "Ah! But what if there's another life jacket on the boat and he decides to put it on." Eric pointed out, thinking that he'd discovered a flaw in Norman's plan. As Norman continued to gaze out of the dirty front window he slowly replied, "There won't be a third life jacket dear brother, because I will ditch it before we go out to sea and while we're on the subject, where is the boat? Only I can't see the sea from this grubby window." Once more, Eric took out the crumpled acceptance letter from his jacket pocket and after glancing at it, he pointed across the field in a westerly direction and said brightly, "According to this, it's about a mile in that direction." Norman spun around on his crutches and with a face ablaze with disbelief, he screamed, "What! What did you say? A mile, did you say a mile?" "Yes." Eric replied as he checked the letter in his hand, "It's in this letter, "A gentle sloping path leads you to a private beach and jetty where you will find a fully equipped boat ready for your fishing trip."

"Yes, yes." Norman snapped irritably, "You read all that out back in the office, but what about this mile business. Where did that little gem of information come from?" Eric pointed at the letter and said, "It's here in brackets, one mile." "So, back in the office, you didn't bother to read out what was in the brackets?" Norman asked sarcastically.

"Well no." Eric agreed as he shrugged his shoulders, "There didn't seem much point at the time." "Well there is now my little ray of sunshine." Norman replied cynically, "There is now." "What do you mean?" Eric asked while frowning, "Why is it so important?" "Well as you may or my not have noticed." Norman pointed out as he looked down at his plastered leg in disgust, "Due to some idiot doing things on his own initiative, I can't possibly walk a mile down to the beach, take a life jacket off the boat and hide it and then walk all the way back here without being missed can I?" "No," Eric agreed with a dejected shrug, "I suppose not." "So Eric, it's up to you, old bean." Norman said while smirking at him, "Get on your bike and make sure that there are no more than two life jackets on that boat when we row out to sea in the morning. If I could do it I would gladly do it, but as you can see, I'm slightly incapacitated, so it's up to you. You are now the man of the moment." "Why is it always me?" Eric protested irritably, "It was just the same when we were kids, it was Eric do this, Eric do that and it was always me that had to go over the fence when we were scrumping old man Jackson's apples while you kept lookout from a safe distance." "That's because we're a tried and tested first class team Eric." Norman informed him sweetly, "You do what you're very good at and I do what I'm best at. You're the man of action, the stealthy commando and I'm the boring back room thinker." "Yeah, I suppose your right." Eric replied as he was slightly pacified with this unexpected analysis. It wasn't often that he received a compliment of any kind, especially from his older brother and he was more than pleased to be called a man of action, "Anyway, I could do with stretching my legs after that long drive down here." And with that said, he stepped out of the doorway and onto the bungalows rickety wooden veranda and taking his bearings with the look of an intrepid Victorian explorer about to challenge an African jungle, he put his best leather sandaled foot forward and set off briskly down the dusty pebble strewn path that led down to the nearest beach.

On the whole, Eric was an uncomplicated chap who was generally quite happy with his lot in life; he had no great ambitions or burning desires to complicate his existence and looked upon his occasional misfortunes as par for the course, an inevitable part of his mundane life. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the box as the saying goes, but as he mixed easily in company, male and female alike and was always willing to help others when necessary, he got on well with most people. He found that people automatically liked him because he was so uncomplicated and was never seen as a threat. He was well aware that he was a constant irritant to his older brother Norman and that he often aroused Norman's anger without even trying, but he took all Norman's insults in his stride, because as far as he was concerned, blood was thicker than water and so, brothers should always stick together no matter what.

As soon as Eric had disappeared down the rough path that led to the beach, Norman set about exploring the run down bungalow in more detail. His progress was somewhat hampered by the fact that he had not yet fully mastered the use of the two heavy crutches that the cottage hospital had supplied him with after the accident, but gradually, he took it all in. The reason that the kitchen was so cramped he discovered was because for some inexplicable reason, it contained a very old cast iron washing mangle and an old galvanized bath tub which took up much of the restricted space and on seeing this he declared, "Well Bouncing Bertha was right about the kitchen being small, I've seen bigger telephone kiosks." Then turning back into the so called living room, he gazed at the three bedroom doors and letting his lustful imagination run riot for a moment, he wondered which bedroom Paul's wife Carolyn would be sleeping in tonight. "When this is all over," he mused lustfully, "and my much missed business partner has kicked the bucket, his grieving widow will need a shoulder to cry on and I shall feel it my bounden duty to gratify her every need. I may be nearing my forty fifth birthday, but there's life in the old dog yet" and smiled at the gratifying thought of ravishing Carolyn who he thought was far more attractive than his own wife Sonia, who had not only put on weight in the last few years, but who insisted, with her usual blinkered vision, that the dressmakers were using less material.

Norman had come to realize that he had reached a crossroads in his life and he had become an extremely troubled man. He'd always been ambitious and for many years he'd been moderately successful in his business dealings, but recently, things had gone horribly wrong and his modest business empire, of which he was extremely proud, was now in dire straights and it needed a quick solution to put things right. Norman had never shied away from using underhand methods in the past to get what he wanted and he wasn't about to change the habit of a lifetime and so his plan to save his business was to his way of thinking quite logical and extremely simple, he would, with the help of his dunderhead brother, simply murder his business partner. He and his younger brother Eric had inherited their fathers run down electrical shop in nineteen fifty nine when the old man had inconveniently died of a heart attack while Norman had been enjoying a bawdy holiday at the Butlins holiday camp in bracing Skegness with buxom Brenda Butterworth. He'd never been close to the old man and dropping down dead and spoiling his holiday had not gone down to well at the time, but realizing that he could now take over the old shop helped to lessen the disappointment. On taking over the business, he had, with vigour and shrewd business acumen, managed to revitalize it and turn it into a going concern. Before Norman's dynamic intervention, the little old shop which was situated in a run down area of the city, had soldiered on through the nineteen thirties, forties and into the fifties, selling such things as fuse wire, gas mantles, light bulbs, electric fires and radios, some of which required accumulators as many of its customers still had no electricity in their homes. The run down shop had actually stocked as many candles and gas mantles as it did light bulbs. The old man, having lived through the cashed strapped thirties, had become very cautious in his business dealings and had been reluctant to invest to heavily in such things as vacuum cleaners and television sets when they had come onto the domestic scene and when Norman took over, he quite rightly, believed that the business had never fulfilled its full it's potential. On taking over the old shop, Norman had quickly put that right and very soon the business was not only operating from much larger premises, but had a gleaming modern showroom to show off the latest electrical goods and entice new customers in off the drab back street pavements. After much soul searching he'd reluctantly allowed Eric to become known as the shops sales manager and as usual, had treated him as a general dog's body. As the business grew, he took on several office staff and qualified electricians and in a very short space of time, his electricians were to be seen throughout the area fitting domestic appliances into people's homes and erecting television aerials on their chimney stacks. After several years with Norman's dynamic energy behind it, the business became so successful that he was able to expand and move it into even larger premises. This in turn allowed him to take out a sizeable mortgage on a fully detached house and ride around the city in a brand new car and take on the aura of the successful business man that he had always dreamed of becoming. In retrospect, perhaps he should have been satisfied with what he'd achieved, but having a bombastic nature, the constant tales of successful deals that he heard being banded about in the golf club bar had spurred him on to spread his wings and when smiling smart arse Paul Smeaton had come along with his smooth talking proposal of branching out into double glazing, he'd jumped into the venture with both feet. After all, what could possibly go wrong? The electrical business was booming and double glazing was selling across the country like hot cakes and very soon his company's order books were full to capacity. What had gone wrong was simply the thing that cripples many small businesses, cash flow. Customers who were slow to pay and those that couldn't pay for one reason or another had gradually increased in number and his stupid addiction of backing heavily on the wrong horse and choosing the wrong number on the roulette wheel had gradually stripped the company of its cash and no matter how hard he'd tried, he'd been unable to recoup his loses. He then found that the bank was in no mood to extend his outstanding loans. Reluctantly, he came to realize that a full order book in any business is of no use, if your suppliers will not supply you with the goods to do the job and recently his suppliers had begun to stop his credit and were now demanding payment for outstanding debts and that was the reason why he was now standing in this glorified shack that was in the middle of a field of rough grass, a bloody mile from the briny sea which he believed would be his saviour.

He didn't really want to kill Paul, even though he found him to be an irritating prick, but what choice did he have. As far as he could see, there was just no other way of raising the necessary capital, he'd already fleeced Eric out of all he had, his house was still heavily mortgaged and his car wasn't yet paid for and besides, he couldn't give them up could he, how could he possibly face his golf club cronies if he rolled up in an old rusty second hand mini and had to admit that he'd moved to a back street terraced house and was living among the downtrodden no hope plebs. No, as far as Norman King was concerned, tomorrows fishing trip must go ahead and toffee nosed Paul Smeaton must pay the price and save his bacon with the ultimate sacrifice and with that thought firmly in mind, a grim smile lit up his round podgy face.

The unmistakable sound of a car bouncing up the rough pot holed lane instantly brought him out of his pleasant day dream and back to the reality of the present situation as he realized that the other members of his party were now arriving. Taking a deep breath and pulling himself upright on his wooden crutches, he prepared himself for the inevitable sarcastic barbed remarks that were bound to be thrown his way as soon as soon as they entered the run down dump. Sonia, Norman's brassy wife, dressed in a tight fitting pink dress that did little to hide her ever increasing middle aged spread, stumbled into the bungalow on her bright red high heeled shoes and declared with a genuine grievance, "My God, what a bleeding ride that is." Then, while rubbing the pit of her back with one hand and holding her bright red handbag up with the other, she added with a grimace, "I'm sure my arse is where my throat used to be."

Caroline, neat and stylishly dressed as ever, following close behind, took one look at the interior of the bungalow and exclaimed in her cut glass voice, "Oh my sainted aunt! Is this it? A hundred and fifty mile journey, a car crash and a ride over an army assault course to reach this. Who was the last occupant Norman? Doctor bloody Livingstone?" Sonia stopped rubbing her aching back and taking in what Caroline had just said, gave the shabby room the once over and expressed her own expert opinion, "Bloody hell Norman! What is this place, the local doss house?" "Now dear, don't get excited." Norman replied calmly. "Get excited?" Sonia exclaimed in amazement, "In a place like this? You must be joking." She took another look around the room and then added, "Come back Billy Butlin, all is forgiven." Then with a puzzled look upon her heavily made up face she said, "I don't understand Norman, are you sure we're in the right place? Only I had it mind that we were going to spend the weekend in a pleasant country cottage. You know, a place that had a little white picket fence and roses around the doorway."

"Yes my dear." Norman assured her with a sigh, "So did I, so did I." Meanwhile, Caroline placed her expensive holiday bag onto the battered nineteen thirties sideboard and proceeded to wonder around the room examining the dilapidated furniture while shaking her head in disbelief. "So why are we here in this wooden shanty in the middle of nowhere?" Sonia demanded to know, a distinct look of puzzlement on her face.

"It wasn't one of those, "You have won a fabulous prize" letters was it Norman?" Carolyn asked as she picked up a leaflet from the table that advertised last year's jumble sale at the local church hall. "No, no, it's nothing like that." Norman replied despondently, "The explanation is quite simple, we are here because I let Eric make all the booking arrangements and in his usual competent manner, he forgot to read the small print. It is often said that everyone has a cross to bear, well I seem to have ten and they are all named Eric." "You can't get out of it that easily." Sonia snapped accusingly, "You must have known what he was booking; he must have discussed it with you."

"Yes he did my dear." Norman agreed while giving her a sardonic smile, "But as usual, I didn't get the full picture." "Well it seems to me that whenever anything goes wrong, you always blame poor Eric." Sonia pointed out, "It's not right; after all he is your brother." "Believe me my dear; I am fully aware of that fact." Norman replied while grimacing and shaking his head from side to side, "I've been cleaning up after that idiot since the day he was born." "Poppycock!" Sonia snapped and began to walk around the room with an air of disgust. "It's nothing new you know." Norman continued who was now showing distinct signs of irritation, "I suppose I should be used to it. I just wish that he could get something right once in a while, you know, nothing much, just the right phone number occasionally, the correct address or even the name of the customer would help. What, with him and Junior in my life, it's a wonder I'm not in a mental home making bloody wicker baskets." "Now don't you start on Junior, Norman know it all." Sonia warned as she wagged a finger at him, "It's bad enough you running Eric down, without you saying nasty things about Junior. You should make allowances, Junior is still learning. We can't all be born with a full knowledge of how to run a business." "Make allowances!" Norman spluttered, "How much time does he need for God's sake? He's been in the company for two years and he's still as gormless as the day he started. The inadequacies of those two in the business are tantamount to sabotage." "Look, Junior is disadvantaged." Sonia explained in a motherly tone, "He's delicate, he has inner feelings, he's not insensitive, crude and bombastic like what you are." "Being born a black homosexual communist hopping about on one leg in the U.S.A. is a disadvantage." Norman pointed out sharply, "Not being a mummy coddled lazy wimp." "You've got no patience that's your trouble Norman King." Sonia replied angrily, "You've always been the same, I remember when we were courting it was always, "Quick, get em off, I've got a bus to catch."

Outside the bungalow, on the rough and dusty area that acted as its car park, Jane and Paul stepped out of the car and standing stock still they took in the scene. They stared in disbelief at the holiday bungalow in stunned silence. After examining the exterior of the forlorn premises in open mouthed astonishment for a few minutes, they each shook their heads in unison, then with a disappointed sigh, they extracted the two cardboard boxes that contained the groceries that they had just purchased from the village store. After glancing once more at the shabby weathered shack that stood before them, they shook their heads again and reluctantly they entered the bungalow.

With the exception of her husband Eric, the others in the party considered Jane, to be a strange woman at the best of times. She was artistic by nature and had been at the forefront of the flower power movement during the nineteen sixties and had never quite left it behind. She still wore sixties style dresses, wispy scarves around her head and Native American beads and dull Celtic designed jewellery, but thankfully, she no longer experimented with hallucinogenic drugs. Actually, she no longer needed them as luckily for her, for much of the time, her thoughts were far away with the fairies. She'd been a folk singer for some time, but she now worked as a librarian, an occupation that seemed to suit her dreamy disinterested temperament. Paul, looking as dapper as a Saville Row model, entered the bungalow behind her while carrying his box of groceries. He was dressed in a double breasted navy blue blazer adorned with a double row of brass buttons and cream coloured slacks. He looked for all the world as though he'd just stepped off a millionaire's yacht, but on looking around the interior of the bungalow, the look on his face indicated that the yacht had just sunk.

Norman, glad of a chance to deflect Sonia's stupid criticism, exclaimed brightly, "Ah, the bountiful supplies have arrived. Welcome to Shangri-la." Paul, taking full advantage of the situation, stopped dead in his tracks and looked around the room in wide eyed amazement and milking it for Norman's displeasure, he eventually declared dramatically, "I don't believe it, it can't be true. Norman you distinctly said, "How do you fancy a relaxing weekend in a country cottage." Is this some sort of joke? Have I missed the point or something?" "No Paul." Norman replied while suppressing an urge to say something extremely crass and insulting, "You haven't been had; believe me, I'm just as disappointed as you are." "Well what the hell went wrong?" Paul asked, while enjoying Norman's obvious discomfort, "Why are we here in this god forsaken hole?"

"Well it seems that I made a slight error of judgment." Norman explained while expressing a false smile, "I let Eric make all the booking arrangements." "Oh well that explains it all." Paul declared sarcastically, "I suppose we can count ourselves lucky that we're not in the middle of a jungle swamp and sleeping under canvas." "Excuse me!" Paul's wife Carolyn asked Paul sharply, "But are we actually paying to stay here?" "We're not my dear." Paul answered with a touch of sarcastic pleasure in his voice, "Norman is. The last of the big spenders as it were." Then turning to Norman he added, "I suppose this is what's known as living in the fast lane is it Norman?" "Oh my God!" Sonia suddenly screeched while pointing an outstretched finger all around the room. Startled by this unexpected outburst, Norman yelled worriedly as he tried to focus on what she was pointing at, "In heavens name woman! What's wrong?" "There's no bloody telly, that's what!" Sonia exclaimed loudly in exasperation. "Good God woman, is that all." Norman replied with relief, "I thought for a minute that you'd seen the ghost of Jack the Ripper or something."

"Look here big gob." Sonia sneered at him, "If you think I'm spending a whole weekend in a wooden hut at the end of a cart track without a telly, you've got another think coming." Realizing he needed to calm things down before his master plan went completely off the rails; Norman attempted to lighten the mood and said condescendingly, "Okay, okay, I take your point, but let's look on the bright side shall we, you know, a bit of Zipadee-do-da and all that jazz. It's not too bad is it, the weathers bright and warm, it's a lovely part of the country, the accommodation is? well a little bit basic, but it's practical and clean." "I suppose if it had a lick of bright paint here and there it would?." Jane ventured to say as she cautiously made her way into the room and surveyed the dismal room with the eye of a modern artist. "Still look like Harold Steptoe's scrap yard shed." Paul interrupted flatly. "Eccentricities are all very well, but I do think this is taking things a bit too far, my beautiful new Ford Capri wrecked on the way down and now this." Shaking his head he added, "It's just not on Norman." Norman, who was still desperate to calm things down and create an upbeat mood, replied with false gusto, "Well, we're here now old boy, so we might as well make the best of it. Look on it as a sort of adventure, just like you did when you were a strapping young fellow dib, dab, dibbing in the boy scouts. After all, it's only a couple of days and it doesn't affect our wonderful fishing trip does it? We can still enjoy that can't we?" "You men can you mean." Sonia pointed out in obvious annoyance, "What about us girls? What are we supposed to do in this outpost of the Empire while you lot play with your barnacles? Chop wood and till the fields with an oxen or something?" "Don't be so negative Sonia." Norman replied sharply and then added brightly, "There are plenty of things you can do while we're out at sea, you can go for a walk and stretch your legs and explore the countryside, get some fresh air into your lungs, sunbathe in the raw if you feel like it, after all, there's no bugger about. Not even the Mormons would find this place."

"Sunbathe?" Sonia sneered, "Out there in a field full of cow pats, each with its own colony of flies, I don't think so Norman King and as for your suggestion of exploring the tropical rain forest there's just one slight hitch."

"And what would that be my little sugar plum?" Norman asked pleasantly, while thinking, "I'd just love to ring her bloody neck." "I've only got fashionable footwear." Sonia declared triumphantly as she raised her right leg and wiggled her red high heeled shoe at him.

"That's my Sonia." Norman exclaimed as he raised his hands in exasperation, "Brings two ton of luggage for a two day break in the countryside and not a sensible shoe amongst it." "Look here big gob." Sonia replied with serious menace, "I've spent my whole life making myself glamorous, the last thing I ever want to be thought of is bloody sensible." "I've brought two pairs of walking shoes Sonia." Jane declared pleasantly. "You can borrow a pair of mine if you like."

"Oh thank you Jane." Sonia replied without showing any enthusiasm at all, "I might have known you would have a spare pair of sensible shoes, what are they exactly, brown brogues or commando boots?" "Just normal stout walking shoes actually." Jane explained completely unaware that Sonia was being sarcastic, "But they are fully broken in, I used them on a Lake District holiday." "You actually go on holiday with the intention of walking all day?" Sonia asked while shaking her head in disbelief.

"Oh yes, it can be very invigorating." Jane declared happily. "You know, fresh air and over the hills and far away from it all." "Sorry love, but I'm just not into comparing blisters around the old camp fire." Sonia replied while still shaking her head and wondering just what made people like Jane tramp over wind swept hills while getting soaked to the skin in the process. "Well, there's another problem solved by our Jane." Paul pointed out with undisguised glee, "Always the one to show common sense in a crisis." Then looking at Jane he added, "You seem to be two steps ahead of the rest of us, why we wouldn't even have found this place if you hadn't noticed that the sign post had fallen into the ditch back at that crossroad." "Well I for one am beginning to wish she hadn't noticed it." Sonia retorted. "Oh cheer up Sonia." Norman said cheerfully, "You'll feel much better when you've had a nice cup of tea." "And can I have ten guesses as to who is going to make this nice cup of tea Norman dear." Sonia replied sarcastically, "Room service perhaps?" Carolyn, who had wandered into the cramped kitchen during her exploration of the property suddenly screamed, turned on her heels and ran out of the kitchen and into the open arms of Norman, who, although restricted by his crutches, made sure that he held her tightly. "There, there." Norman said comfortingly as he gently patted her back with one hand and pulled her forward with the other so that her breasts pressed into his chest, "What is it? What's happened?" "A spider!" Carolyn cried as she turned her head and glanced back into the kitchen. "A what?" Paul laughingly asked who was still holding the box of groceries in his arms. Pulling slightly away from Norman's tight hold, Carolyn then glared at Paul and through gritted teeth snarled, "A bloody spider. In the cupboard, under the sink." Sneering back, Paul just said, "My God, is that all?" Norman, who was still holding on to Carolyn said comfortingly, "There, there, I bet it was very large spider." "Norman old chap?" Paul enquired, his head tilted to one side, "Pardon me for asking, but why are you cuddling my wife?" "I was about to ask the same question." Sonia added while looking at Norman curiously. "I am not cuddling your wife." Norman retorted defensively as he glanced at Paul, "I am comforting her in her obvious distress." "Dear me Norman." Paul pointed out cynically, "It's only a cockroach." "It may only be a cockroach Paul." Norman replied while still holding onto Carolyn, "But a thing like that can be very distressing to a member of the weaker sex." "Ah! That's a laugh that is." Paul replied while smiling smugly, "May I remind you that that particular member of the weaker sex that you are cuddling, has a black belt in judo and has a tongue that can reduce a hairy arsed lorry driver to tears." On hearing this accurate, but derogatory description of herself, Carolyn broke away from Normans grip and dashed at Paul with her hands held out in front of her with the sole intention of tearing him limb from limb. Startled, but, quick to react, Paul with the box of supplies in his arms, darted around to the other side of the central wooden table, while intent on keeping a suitable distance between him and his angry wife as he knew from past experience that physically, he was no match for her. "Why you unsympathetic slimy pox faced wart hog!" Carolyn screamed at him as she chased him around the table. "There, you see what I mean." Paul called out as he kept moving nimbly out of her reach, "Never lost for a soothing phrase is our Carolyn." Realizing that this angry altercation could ruin his despicable plan, Norman bravely intervened by stepping between the two combatants. He held up his crutches and said quite forcibly, "Now, now, calm down, back to your corners please. Look, we're on holiday; we're here to have a good time. So let's agree that all physical altercations are postponed for the duration."

"Spoil sport." Sonia exclaimed as she sat down on one of the old armchairs in disgust, "I was just beginning to enjoy that." Jane, who was still holding her box of groceries, judiciously walked towards the kitchen and said, "I believe a strong cup of tea is called for, I'll put the kettle on." "I'll come with you." Paul then said as he stepped over towards the kitchen, "And I'll see if I can tackle this fearsome monster that's lurking in there."

"Oh very funny." Carolyn answered mockingly, "Especially from a man that fainted while watching a film that showed the birth of a baby." Paul stopped in his tracks and red in the face he spluttered, "That's contemptible, how many times do I have to tell you, I was ill, I was very sick at the time." "Well one thing's for sure Mister Paul Superman Smeaton, you sure as hell make me feel sick and that's all of the time!" Carolyn stated with spiteful venom. Exasperated and lost for words, Paul just replied lamely, "Oh? get lost," and disappeared into the kitchen where he hoped to cultivate a closer relationship with dreamy Jane.

Paul had fancied Jane from the very first time that he'd met her and ever since, engineering a lustful dalliance with her had never been far from his mind, but the right circumstances had as yet never fallen into place. But, he thought, with a bit of luck, this weekend could be quite different. After all he reasoned with his usual cocky self assurance, she was bound to be impressed and bowled over with his handsome countenance and his smooth talking romantic attention after living with that idiot husband of hers for such a long time. It stood to reason he thought, that Eric and his dopey ways, wouldn't be of much use in the bedroom department and he was quite confident that given the chance, he could sweep her off her feet and show her a thing or two while he also had a good time. No one quite understood why she had married Eric in the first place least of all him. After all, she was good looking, had a trim figure and occasionally showed unexpected common sense, he had to admit that she was a bit flaky at times, but, then he reminded himself that he wasn't looking for marriage or an intellectual discussion, just a bit of slap and tickle in the hay when dopey Eric wasn't around.

Norman sat down heavily on the settee, put his crutches to one side and said to Carolyn while thinking of the forthcoming consequences of his fishing trip, "You shouldn't let him upset you like that my dear, remember every cloud has a silver lining and sometimes things can happen that change everything in the blink of an eye." Sonia, who was absent-mindedly filing her bright red finger nails while Carolyn was walking about in an agitated mood, stopped what she were doing and gave him a puzzled look and Carolyn eventually said, "I'm sorry Norman, but I don't quite follow "Well you never know what's around the corner do you?" Norman explained with a warm smile. "Norman? Did you bump your head in that car crash by any chance?" Sonia asked while looking at him with the scrutiny of a police detective. "No, of course not." Norman answered with irritation, "I'm just trying to point out that things happen that you don't know are going to happen and sometimes they turn out for the best." "Oh well, I'm glad we got that sorted out." Sonia replied sardonically, "Would you like to go and lie down for a while?" "Look, let's have that cup of tea and we'll all feel much better." Norman said brightly while clapping his hands.

"It will take more than a cup of tea to change this place." Sonia replied as she stood up and wondered around the room. "Anyway, while we're at it, what are the sleeping arrangements in this dump, have you sorted that out yet?" "Give us a chance love." Norman answered while tapping his plaster cast with the knuckles of his a right hand, "As you can see, I'm not as agile as I once was." "You can say that again stud." Sonia affirmed sarcastically as she glanced into the nearest bedroom, "Well it looks like we ladies have a single room each and you wild mountain men can sleep out here in the communal barracks." "That sounds about right; I really hadn't given it much thought." Norman lied as he was very keen to know which bedroom Carolyn would be in later that night. "Looking at the state of this place, I don't think you gave any of it much thought." Sonia sneered at him. "Now that's not fair." Norman objected, "I gave Eric specific instructions on what we required, it's not my fault he made a balls up of it, is it?"

"Well it's not too late to put things right." Sonia pointed out, "We could all just pack up and go somewhere else." "No, no!" Norman cried out as he grabbed his crutches and jumped to his feet in panic. "That won't do at all, it would ruin everything." "Ruin what for heaven's sake?" Sonia asked as she was completely baffled by Norman's odd reactions. She'd lived with him long enough to know that he was very unpredictable, but she thought that these latest ramblings were extremely weird even for him. "Well, It'll er? ruin our quiet weekend in the countryside that we've all been looking forward to." Norman declared while desperately trying to think of a good reason of why they should stay in this ramshackle shed, "Besides." He added quickly, "I've already given the vicar's wife a deposit and she'd be most upset if we did a bunk and another thing, my leg's playing me up and I don't think?"

"Oh, have it your own way." Sonia replied wearily, "I'm just too tired to bloody argue." "Well as far as I'm concerned." Carolyn pointed out while giving the place another quick inspection, "This place gives me the creeps and I certainly wouldn't object to moving on to somewhere a little less primitive." "No!" Norman exclaimed as his mind raced to find the right words that would deflect this negative conversation, "Everything will be fine and dandy in the morning after we've been fishing, you see, we'll all have a wonderful time."

"He's off again, rabbiting on in riddles." Was Sonia's response to his pathetic effort to paint a rosy picture of their present situation. Then turning to Carolyn she said, "He's just the same with a French menu, we always end up with something we didn't want, it was fish instead of steak one night and sprouts instead of horseradish source on another occasion. Anyway, I'm going to explore my little dungeon and see if it's fit for anyone other than bloody Benn Gunn." She then walked over to the bedroom that was marked with the roughly painted number two, but before entering she turned and said to Norman, "I'll give you a shout if I find any creepy crawlies in here and you can come and cuddle me in my distress." And as she disappeared into the room, she called over her shoulder, "That's if you remember how... stud."

Norman watched her disappear into the bedroom and muttered angrily, "Some women are never satisfied; after all I've done for her and her gormless son." "Her son?" Carolyn questioned with surprise, "Isn't he your son then?" "Oh, yes, biologically speaking," Norman explained with a shrug, "But we've got about as much in common with each other as Genghis Khan and St. Francis." "And which of you is St. Francis?" Carolyn asked teasingly. "Oh, very droll." Norman replied smiling. "I like a woman with a good sense of humour." At that moment Sonia stepped back out of her chosen bedroom and said to Carolyn, "He likes them with big tits as well." And then to Norman, "And while we're at it, you leave off criticizing Junior. After all, he is running the business while we're away for the weekend." "One day, that's all, just one day!" Norman exclaimed angrily as he held up a finger and wagged it in her face to make sure that she got the message, "And all he's got to do is sit by the telephone and take messages. You call that running the business? He shook his head and added, "And I even had to bung him extra to do that." Completely frustrated with the situation and having to continually ward off these silly conversations, he decided that a little fresh air was called for and grumpily he growled, "I've had enough of this aggravation, I'm going for a walk." He hobbled over to the open front doorway on his crutches and as he stepped out onto the wooden veranda he turned slightly and over his shoulder as a parting shot, he said, "This is as bad as being back at home."

After Norman had gone, Sonia and Carolyn stood looking at the open doorway where the dying sunshine was spilling into the room and Sonia said quietly, "Poor old Norman, he's never been able to decide whether Junior is his son or not." Then after a sigh and a pause she added, "The trouble is, I'm not too sure either." "Sonia!" Carolyn exclaimed in a shocked tone. "Well we weren't married then were we and he was always off somewhere at the weekends." Sonia explained as she shrugged her shoulders, "In the winter he was off with the rugby club and in the summer it was the local cricket team and one weekend he even went on a coach trip with the church choir. He claimed it would be good for his image in the community, but I reckon it had more to do with Maggie Stubbs loose knicker elastic." "I'm sorry." Carolyn replied a little puzzled, "But what's that got to do with it?" "Well I wasn't going to stop at home and knit woolly sock's on a Saturday night was I while he was off flying his kite" Sonia stated, "So as I see it, it's his own fault." "I suppose so." Carolyn replied, but without much conviction. Sonia, noting Carolyn's veiled disapproval said bluntly, "Now don't you tell me that you went to your wedding ceremony hygienically packed."

"Well no, of course not." Carolyn replied feeling somewhat uncomfortable with this turn in the conversation. She was fully aware that Sonia was an open book and crude with it, but she was a little reluctant to share her past love life secrets with anyone, especially a foul mouthed brassy tart like Sonia, so she just said, "But one doesn't want to advertise the fact. It's private." And then, having brought back to mind one or two former sexual incidents she added, "Besides, as I recall, much of it was bloody embarrassing." "Embarrassing?" Sonia asked. "We'll all that uncomfortable groping and all the grunting and groaning on the back seat of steamed up cars; it certainly wasn't my idea of romance." Carolyn explained distastefully. "Nor mine." Sonia agreed, but then added with a smile, "But I must have had a few different blokes to you, because I remember it as being a lot of naughty but nice fun, in fact some of it was positively hilarious, I remember one time when ?." Jane, carrying a tray of assorted mugs of hot tea entered the room and placed it onto the table while dapper Paul, who was smiling inanely, followed behind. "Oh there you are lover boy." Carolyn declared sarcastically as she looked Paul up and down. "I was beginning to wonder what was keeping you." Then turning to Jane she said pleasantly, "You're looking a bit flushed Jane, he hasn't been filling your head with sweet murmurings as he? Only he's very good at that sort of thing you know, well he should be, he's had plenty of practice."

"Well actually ?" Jane stuttered. "Oh Carolyn, behave will you." Paul said, annoyed that his wife had once more guessed what he'd been up to, "Your embarrassing Jane. The reason we've been such a long time is because that gas stove is positively useless, it takes forever to boil a kettle." He then picked up one of the mugs of tea and sat down on the settee hoping that Carolyn would be put off the scent with his explanation. He realized that she was watching him like a hawk and that he would have to be very careful in his pursuit of the lovely Jane, but that didn't put him off. Paul saw himself as a big game hunter tracking a skittish quarry, in fact, he found that being devious added a little spice to the game. "Yes, I'm afraid it won't be much use for cooking a proper meal." Jane verified, much to Paul's delight, "Here's your tea." She said as she handed Carolyn and Sonia a mug each, "Sorry about the odd mugs, but that's all there is and I'm afraid there's no milk, we seem to have forgotten to purchase any at the village shop." She then took a mug for herself and began to sip from it and while looking around she asked enquiringly, "Where's Norman?" Sonia, looking distastefully into her mug of milk-less tea replied, "He's gone for some fresh air and to let off a bit of steam, we had a few words as usual." And looking once more at her milk-less tea she said, "Oh well, as long as it's wet and warm as the Bishop said." She then drank some of her tea, grimaced and placed the half full mug back onto the tray and said to Jane as she pointed to the bedroom that she had inspected, "Oh, by the way love, I've claimed boudoir number two." "Are the bedrooms clean?" Jane asked worriedly. "No bed bugs I hope."

"As far as I can see, they are very basic, but they do seem to be clean dear." Sonia confirmed, "Mine reeks of carbolic soap and is fit for a Trappist monk, it's got a bedside cupboard and a small sink and as far as I can see there's no sign of any unwanted wildlife. Oh and there's a bucket under the sink, god knows what that's for, but I'm certainly not scrubbing the bloody floor even if it is house rules." She then decided to explore her bedroom once more just to make sure that what she'd told Jane was actually true and wandered back into it. Jane walked over to the door next to the kitchen that was marked with the number three and said to Carolyn, "Is this my room Carolyn, or did you want it?" "It's all yours dear." Carolyn answered satirically as she walked over to the bedroom that was marked number one, "I'll take this one, the bridle suite I believe." And just before she disappeared inside she added, "Oh' and by the way Paul, make sure your hands are warm when you creep in tonight." "You should be so lucky." Paul sneered at her and then smiling to himself he thought, "I've got plans of my own my dear," He then made his way over to Jane's room and called. "Is everything all right in there Jane? Do you need any help?" "Yes please Paul." Sonia called out as she re-entered the living room and heard Paul's offer of help, "My draws are stuck." Surprised by this startling information, Paul swivelled on his axis and with a puzzled frown upon his face asked, "What?" Irritated at being asked to repeat herself, Sonia stated firmly, "I said, my draws are stuck." Then seeing the look of incomprehension on Paul's face she said quite slowly, "The draws in that bloody bedside cupboard, they won't open." "Oh, I see." Paul answered, on seeing the light at last. He was always amazed by Sonia's habit of making statements that were completely out of context. She seemed to be under the impression that whatever she was thinking of, everyone else was thinking the same. "Oh, and by the way," Sonia said enquiringly, "Are my bags still in the car?" "I er? would imagine so." Paul replied. "Be a darling Paul and bring them in for me." Sonia said in her best persuasive voice, "Then I can get myself organized."

"Yes of course." Paul said pleasantly and made for the doorway, but he suddenly stopped when a thought occurred to him, "Actually Sonia, I would have thought that Eric would have already done that by now, where is he?"

"Come to think of it, I have no idea." Sonia replied realizing that she hadn't seen him since she'd arrived at the bungalow, "But Jane should know." She toddled over to Jane's bedroom doorway on her high heels and called out sweetly, "Jane dear, have you any idea where Eric might be?"

"Not a clue." Jane replied lightly while showing not the slightest concern. "Well!" Sonia exclaimed, slightly shocked at the abrupt answer. Then turning to Paul she said, "She doesn't seem to be at all bothered, does she?" And with a slip of the tongue she added, "It's no wonder he seeks comfort elsewhere." "Pardon? What was that?" Paul asked eagerly as he wondered if he had heard her correctly. "Oh, nothing Paul, just thinking aloud." Sonia said pleasantly and then hoping to cover her slip she added, "Such a topsy-turvy day, I really don't know where I am or what I'm saying half the time."

Realizing that he was unlikely to get any juicy information out of Sonia there and then, Paul wisely declined to press the point, but he made a mental note to bring up the subject again when she'd downed a few drinks and became a little more loose tongued, and in a friendly subservient manner he just said, "Right then, I'll go and fetch your bags in." But as he went to step outside, he bumped heavily into Eric, who was at that very moment rushing into the bungalow and was gasping heavily and obviously out of breath. "Oh, there you are old boy," Paul exclaimed as he stepped back into the room to allow the panting Eric leeway, "Been out exploring have we?" "Who? Me?" Eric exclaimed in a flustered manner, "I haven't been anywhere? honest. And I haven't been anywhere near the boat."

"What boat?" Paul asked a little puzzled, but, as he had found from past experience that most of his conversations with Eric ended up being rather disjointed and very puzzling, he was not unduly surprised by Eric's odd reply and just said as he shook his head, "What on earth are you talking about?" "Oh nothing Paul." Eric replied a little relieved, as he now realized that Paul didn't know that he'd been down to visit the boat, "For a moment I thought you meant? but you didn't? and I didn't? so there you are then." "Yes, I'm sure your right Eric." Paul agreed condescendingly, "Now be a good fellow and bring in the luggage from the cars will you. I'd do it myself, but I'm afraid that I have to visit the little boys room." "I knew there was something on my mind." Sonia said just as Carolyn and Jane stepped back into the room, "So must I."

"Me to, I need to go." Carolyn agreed. Paul, Sonia, Carolyn and Jane looked anxiously around the room and then they all stared questioningly at Eric. Paul shrugged his shoulders and asked, "Well, where is it Eric?" "Where's what?" Eric answered whilst frowning, as he had no idea what they were talking about or why they were all staring at him, "What are you all looking for?" "The loo Eric!" They all cried in frustrated unison. "Where is the bloody loo!" "Oh that's easy." Eric beamed happily and pointed outside, "It's that little hut out there, over by the far hedge."

"What!" They all cried in shocked unison. "Oh yes, that's it alright." Eric declared brightly, as he was pleased to be in a position to pass on important information that the others were not aware of. The truth was, this sort of thing didn't happen very often as he was very rarely the only one with important information and he beamed with pleasure and added. "I had a look in earlier, it's a chemical loo." Standing with clenched fists wresting on her hips and looking as defiant as Boudica before a bloody battle with the Roman's, Sonia looked Eric straight in the eye and growled, "Eric King, if you think for one minute, that I have come all this way to sit on a bucket in a shed in the middle of a field full moody unpredictable cows, you've got another think coming." Eric's triumphant mood disappeared in an instant and he realized that once more that he was in trouble, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why or how it had come about. "I'm sure the loo will be chemically treated and fully hygienic." Jane ventured with an unconvincing smile, as she tried to put a positive spin on the situation, "I mean, the vicar's wife would have seen to that, wouldn't she?" "Jane dear." Sonia declared sarcastically as she turned and glowered frostily at her, "I really don't care if it's been scrubbed with a wire brush and doused in French Perfume, I strongly object to using it."

Siding with Jane's point of view to gain favour, Paul put his two pennies worth in and said lightly, "Of course I'm not happy with the situation, but I'm sure that Jane is right, it must be hygienic, even if it's a little crude."

Carolyn, who was not fooled for a moment by Paul's sympathetic view, just said, "Yes, you would agree wouldn't you, you smooth talking toad." "Much as I'd love to stop and argue about it my dear, I'm afraid I've got to go." Paul announced in a panic and he bolted outside, crying as he went, "I'm bursting you see." "Oh I do hope he doesn't make it." Carolyn snarled and then turning to Sonia and Jane she added philosophically, "Well girl's, it looks as though its a case of closing one's eyes and thinking of England once more." And as she made her way outside, she raised an arm in a clenched fist salute and called out, "Once more unto the lav dear friends! For Harry, England and St George!"

Sonia, watched Carolyn go and after a few minutes of pacing up and down the room, she came to a critical decision and suddenly cried out, "Oh, this is too much, why on earth did they have to go and mention the loo, I was alright till then, oh dear? it's no good? I've got to go." And as she ran out, she cried, "I can't hold on any longer!" "Well I'm blowed." Eric declared in astonishment, "I can't understand what all the fuss is about. When I wanted to go, while I was on my way down to the beach, I just nipped into the bushes at the side of the path." "You've already been down to the beach?" Jane asked a little surprised, "What on earth made you go down there so soon?"

"Oh, I just went for a quick look. You know? at the err? the sea. See if it was still there doing its usual sloshing about." Eric answered nervously, "I er? didn't do anything and I never went near the boat."

With an exasperated sigh, Jane said, "What on earth are rambling on about? Now can you please bring the suitcases in from the car so that we can unpack. That's if we're still staying? There hasn't been a change of plan I take it?" "Oh no." Eric confirmed, "We must stay, it's essential. By the way is Norman about?" "I don't know, why? What do you want him for?" Jane asked curiously. "Well, I've just had a very exciting idea." Eric exclaimed enthusiastically, "And I thought he might be interested in it."

"You haven't been reading one of those girly magazines again have you?" Jane asked worriedly, as she'd had trouble with him in this area of odd behaviour in the past, "Only that episode with the fluffy handcuffs was extremely embarrassing." "No dear, it's nothing like that." Eric replied, surprised that his part in Norman's murder plot should be confused with a bit of kinky sex, "Whatever made you think that." "Because Eric, you've got that same silly grin on your face again." Jane explained as she looked at him with searing suspicion. "No, no dear," Eric explained a little to excitedly, "This brilliant idea of mine has nothing to do with er? any of that you know what. No, this idea of mine concerns work, the future of the company." "Well you might find him hobbling about outside somewhere." She replied, "I don't suppose he's gone very far, he hasn't had time to get used to those crutches yet, has he? You say this idea of yours is to do with the business?" "Yes dear, that's it, the future of the business," Eric agreed while nodding and rubbing his hands together, "Nothing else, just the welfare of the business." "The sooner you're out of that company of his, the better." Jane warned while shaking her head worriedly, "You'll do no good there, working under your brother's influence, he has too many crazy ideas for his own good, and, you mark my words, you'll end up carrying the can if you're not careful."

"Yes dear." Eric replied complacently as he'd heard this same sentiment many times before and the last thing he wanted now was an argument about Norman and how badly the business was being run and so he just said, "I'll just go and fetch the luggage in, shall I?" And with that, he hurried outside to the two parked cars and began to unload the various items of luggage.

Jane, with arms folded, watched Eric through the open doorway and told herself once more that he would be much better off out of Norman's electrical business. She was quite aware that Eric wasn't the brain of Britain and needed constant guidance in many areas, but she also knew that his older brother manipulated him for his own ends and more importantly, she knew that he always would. With a resigned sigh, she retreated to her bedroom, sat down upon the single bed and picked up an old magazine that had been left behind by a previous occupant and began to flip absent-mindedly through its pages.

Eric, with a suitcase in each hand and a hold all bag under each arm struggled back into the bungalow closely followed by Norman, who had just returned from his short constitutional walk. Eric continued the conversation that he'd started outside the bungalow with Norman and said excitedly, "So you see Norm," But as he swung round to face Norman, he accidentally knocked one of Norman's crutches flying out of his hand with one of the suitcases, which in turn had the unfortunate effect of disrupting Norman's delicate balance and poor Norman went tumbling over and landed heavily in an undignified heap. "Oh, sorry Norm," Eric exclaimed apologetically as he looked down at Norman, "Are you alright?" Norman, who was writhing about on the floor and trying to regain his balance and bruised dignity, growled angrily, "You bloody great fool, can't you do anything right?" "Well, as I was saying," Eric continued, "This idea of mine will eliminate any messing about on the? " "Never mind your marvellous harebrained ideas," Norman snapped angrily, as he struggled to his feet and shuffled over to the settee where he collapsed backwards onto it, "Just answer me one question. Did you do what you were supposed to do?" "Yes of course I did," Eric answered, "But you don't understand, you see the boat is?." "Now let me get this straight." Norman asked, while completely ignoring Eric's rambling, "You took a life jacket off the boat and hid it?"

"Yes I did that, but?" Eric said. "And now there are only two life-jackets on the boat?" Norman asked with a smile, "One for you and one for me."

"Yes, I did all that, but my idea will eliminate all that." Eric tried to explain, but Norman was simply not interested in Eric's harebrained ideas and said forcefully, "No Eric, that's all there is to it, we stick to the original plan, no deviations. In the morning the three of us will go out to sea for a spot of fishing and," Dropping his voice to a whisper, he added, "Only two of us will come back." Before Eric could say another word, Jane, who was becoming a little irritated, called from her bedroom, "Eric! Have you got my suitcase yet?" Eric, now realizing that he was getting nowhere with Norman, called out, "Coming dear." And he shuffled over to Jane's bedroom doorway where he struggled to enter the room with what he was carrying and eventually dropped Jane's suitcase into the room. "Oh do be careful Eric." Jane cried in exasperation, as Eric backed out of the doorway while struggling with the rest of the luggage. "Ha! There you are Norman." Paul called brightly as he entered the bungalow after visiting the outside loo, "Well, I'll say this for you Norman, life is never dull when you're around, it's just one wonderful surprise after another." "And just what do you mean by that cryptic remark?" Norman asked, while sensing a satirical attack from this smooth talking ponce. "If you have anything relevant, or enlightening to say Paul, I would appreciate it if you could say it in good old plain English." "Well, for your information, I have just visited the lavatory." Paul explained, a silly smile lighting up his smug face, "Or to be technically precise, I've been to the bog." "The bog?" Norman asked, while thinking, what on earth is this self-centred prat talking about, "What bloody bog?"

"The one your darling wife is trying to sit on at this very moment." Paul replied while continuing to smile. Carolyn then entered the bungalow and exclaimed, "Well, I can't see me tramping out there in the middle of the night with my kilt flying in the breeze." "Good lord!" Paul exclaimed with genuine surprise, "I never thought of that, it will be pitch bloody black out there at night, one could stumble into anything." "No, you wouldn't think of it would you?" Carolyn stated accusingly, "But, for you blokes, it's not quite the same problem is it? You lot can go and widdle-diddle anywhere you like can't you? But very little drink will pass my lips this evening, that's for sure." "But Carolyn." Norman protested, who had no idea what they were talking about, "We're all going down to the village pub later to let our hair down." "Oh, I'll be there alright." Carolyn stated, "I certainly wouldn't stay here in this barn on my own, but I won't be drinking much. The thought of groping about out there in the middle of the night is quite terrifying."

Eric, who was still standing with a suitcase in his right hand and two hold all bags under both his arms had been listening to these conversations with bemused concentration, but he suddenly realized that the bags were becoming extremely heavy and he needed to deposit them as soon as possible and as he made to move across the room, one of the bags slipped from under his arm and fell heavily onto Norman's outstretched plastered leg. Letting out an ear piercing scream, Norman immediately jumped up off the settee and as he danced around the room on one leg in extreme pain, he let Eric know exactly what he thought of him, "Ooooh, you stupid great lummox! Can't you do anything right? You're the most idiotic moron this side of the black stump!" Just then, Sonia entered the room and seeing Norman dancing around on one leg she asked accusingly, "Why is he, jigging about like that? Has he been drinking?" "I'm afraid Eric dropped a heavy bag onto Norman's injured leg." Paul explained as he and the others stood and watched Norman doing a fair imitation of an energetic Red Indian war dance. "Oh GOOD." Sonia stated with undisguised pleasure, "I'm so glad to hear that." "What do you mean woman?" Norman retorted, as he began to slow down and put the foot of his injured leg tentatively back onto Terra fir-ma, "You're so glad to hear that?" "I mean, Oh GOOD!" Sonia firmly declared, "Because Norman King, it bloody well serves you right. After what you've just put me through, I wouldn't mind if another ten heavy bags fell onto your injured leg."

Norman, while holding onto the back of an arm chair for balance and still grimacing in pain, cried out, "What on earth are you blabbering on about woman?" "That bloody thing out there." Sonia shouted at him while she pointed in the direction of the outside loo, "That bloody so called loo. It's nothing but a bloody death trap." "It's not my fault woman." Norman protested in his defence, "I had no idea that there would be an outside lavatory when we booked this place, it's not the kind of thing one normally enquires about is it?" Sonia, while still pointing, stated slowly, "Norman dear, that is not an outside lavatory, it's a rusty bucket and an old plank of wood, surrounded by what can only be described as a corrugated colander. While trying to balance on that well-worn plank, one is treated to a very good view of the surrounding landscape through all the holes in the walls, north, east, south and bloody west." "There's quite a good view of the sky as well." Carolyn added cynically. With her fists set firmly on her hips, Sonia looked menacingly at Norman and demanded, "Well, organizer extraordinaire, what have you got to say about that?" Norman looked at all the unhappy faces staring at him and realizing that the situation required a positive lift he declared cheerily, "Right then let's all go down to the village pub and have a slap up meal and a jolly good party and all expenses are on me."

Later that evening while making their precarious way back to the decrepit holiday bungalow along the dark rough tree lined lane after spending a somewhat boisterous evening in the village pub, Sonia asked nervously, "Can you see anything Carolyn?" "Not a bloody thing." Carolyn answered exhaustedly, as she hopefully waved a searching hand out aimlessly in front of her.

Now and again a soft warm breeze swept through the overhanging branches of the old trees that boarded the dark lane and gently rustled the leaves which added a feeling of menace to the general air of anxiety that they both felt. Sonia was finding the almost half mile journey particularly difficult as her high heeled shoes were not designed for cross country walking and after making sure that Norman had supplied her with an adequate amount of alcohol throughout the evening, she wasn't particularly steady on her feet either. "What's that in front?" She asked optimistically as she stared into the darkness and saw an area ahead that seemed to be a shade lighter than the oppressive surroundings, "Is it the end of the lane?" "It must be." Carolyn replied hopefully as she squinted into the darkness, "Unless we've taken a wrong turn somewhere along here and we're on our way to bonny bloody Scotland." After a few more unavoidable stagers and several strong Anglo Saxon expletives, the pair finally left the dark tree lined tunnelled lane and saw before them the dark silhouette of the ramshackle bungalow that had once been the home of long gone prisoners of war. "There it is." Sonia declared with relief and added with surprise, "I can't believe that I'm actually glad to see it." They staggered over to the bungalows wooden veranda; put their hands on the veranda rail and while gasping for breath, they rested for a while until they felt revived enough to move on into their weekend holiday home. As they stood and rested, they could hear the unmistakable sound of the other members of their group making their unsteady stumbling way along the dark lane. Having got their breath back, the two intrepid pathfinders stepped onto the creaking wooden veranda, pushed open the bungalow door and stepped into the interior darkness. "Where's the blasted light switch?" Carolyn protested with irritation as she patted the wall. "Why didn't they leave the bloody light on when we went out?" Sonia demanded to know angrily, "And why the bloody hell, aren't they here when you need them. I'll bet they are larking about like a bunch of little school kids down in that blasted lane." "It must be here somewhere." Carolyn declared, as she realized that she would have to find the light switch herself as Sonia was far to inebriated to help her do a serious search. She systematically patted the walls near the front door entrance, while repeating, "It must be here somewhere."

"I never gave it a thought when we went out." Sonia pondered as she stood in the dark room waiting for Carolyn to solve the lighting problem. Carolyn eventually found the old Bakelite light switch and with an exclamation of "Eureka!" she switched on the rooms central light which immediately illuminated the shabby room in all its faded glory. "Home sweet home!" Sonia stated sarcastically and Carolyn added, "Be it ever so humble." Carolyn walked slowly over to the old settee and slumped exhaustedly onto it and gasped, "How anyone can describe that route out there as a pleasant country lane is beyond me. It must be against the trade descriptions act." Sonia wobbled across the room and as she flopped down beside her, she declared, "It's nothing more than a bloody tank track. With all those ridges and holes everywhere, it's a wonder I haven't broken my bloody neck." After a while Sonia took a deep breath and then added, "Never again. I thought it was too good to be true. When Norman was describing this wonderful weekend that we were going to have in an idyllic country cottage, he forgot to mention that there would be bloody night manoeuvrers. He'll never con me into such a dump again that's for sure." "The lane didn't seem so bad going down to the village in daylight," Carolyn mused thoughtfully, "But coming back in the dark? it's positively horrendous." "So why the hell didn't we use the cars to go down to the pub?" Sonia asked, "Was it flaky Jane's idea? She's the one who seems to enjoy tramping about in the countryside in big boots."

"Actually," Carolyn answered thoughtfully, "It was Eric's idea; for some reason, he said the cars wouldn't start, damp plugs or something, so then Norman said it would do us good to walk, fresh air would give us a healthy appetite and all that nonsense." After thinking it over she then added, "I wonder if there really is anything wrong with the cars, or whether the men just said that so that we would have to walk, you know what a weird sense of humour they have, but then again, Norman wouldn't have gone along with that would he, not with his leg plastered up to the hilt?" "It's no good asking me love," Sonia answered with a disinterested shrug of her shoulders, "I've never understood half of what Norman says or gets up to." "Anyway?" Carolyn asked curiously, "What exactly happened to Norman back there in the lane?"

"I've no idea love," Sonia replied thoughtfully, "I couldn't make it out, I just heard him shout out as he fell over and then the clatter of his crutches, but I couldn't see a bleeding thing, so I just carried on stumbling along." Then after a thoughtful pause she added philosophically, "It's so dark in that bloody lane, I could have been raped back there and not even have noticed."

Dreamy Jane then entered the bungalow looking a little shaken and dishevelled and exclaimed to no one in particular, "Made it! Thank goodness for that." "Have you any idea what all that commotion was back down the lane Jane?" Carolyn asked as she looked at Jane and wondered once more if Jane was really as flaky as she seemed to be.

"No," Jane replied quite unconcerned as she flopped into an armchair, "I don't know what happened, I just heard Norman howl in pain and he seemed to fall over, but I couldn't see a thing. So I just carried on following your voices." Sonia, who had lost interest in what had happened to Norman, held out her right leg and staring at her dust covered shoe she said with a look of disgust on her face, "I'm sure I've trodden in something. But you can never tell in the country can you? I mean, the whole place stinks of some animal or other doesn't it?" "Did you happen to see where Eric got to?" Jane enquired, "Only I was under the impression that he was in front, leading the way, but now I see he isn't here." "Oh yes, he was dear," Sonia explained brightly, "He was with me when we started off, but when we were half-way up that blasted lane, he popped into the bushes to water the horses."

"Water the horses?" Jane asked who was often puzzled by Sonia's off the cuff common as muck quips, "What horses?" "A call of nature dear." Sonia answered flatly. "Oh I see." Jane acknowledged, being a little more enlightened. "I think he must have gone back to help poor Norman." Carolyn added thoughtfully, "I'm sure I heard his voice when Norman started yelling and swearing after he'd fallen over. But now I'm beginning to wonder how he managed to pass by me without me seeing him?" "Carolyn my dear, you could pass a double decker-bus in that bloody dark lane and not know it." Sonia pointed out emphatically.

"Yes, I suppose you're right." Carolyn agreed and then said thoughtfully, "I wonder how Norman is? I do hope he's not badly hurt after what he's already gone through today, the poor love." "Don't you worry about Norman dear," Sonia said dismissively, "He's just had too much to drink, a pound to a penny, he's just fallen over his crutches and gone arse over tip. Yes, that'll be what he's done." Then laughing she added, "It's quite normal for boozers to fall about you know, I should know, I've done it enough times. You mark my words, as soon as he's blamed someone for whatever happened, he'll be as right as rain." "Oh Sonia, how can you say that?" Carolyn protested, "He may be seriously hurt."

"I can say that love because I've lived with that bombastic windbag for eighteen years and in all that time, I've never known him to take the blame for anything." Sonia stated emphatically. "Did you say eighteen years?" Jane asked who seemed to be a little puzzled, "Only I thought Junior was eighteen years old?"

"He is love." Sonia replied smiling, "I was lucky, I caught straight away." "Oh I see." Jane said apologetically, "I just wondered that's all." "You're not exactly a woman of the world are you love?" Sonia questioned.

On hearing the unmistakable heavy tread and angry grumbling of their men folk approaching the bungalow, the three wife's stopped chatting and stared at the open doorway. Their three men stepped clumsily onto the bungalows creaking veranda together and then attempted to enter the bungalow as one, but inevitably, they became tightly wedged in the doorway. The three wife's, who were looking on, shook their heads in disbelief, but then became aware that Paul and Eric were actually supporting Norman between them. They also noticed that Norman, who was moaning and staggering slightly, now sported a noticeable badly swollen eye which they realized had not been there before when they had left the village pub. As Paul and Eric persisted in going through the doorway at the same time, they inadvertently squashed poor Norman between them which made Norman yelp with pain and he inevitably declared them to be "Stupid bastards" and with a few more tugs and pushes, all three eventually managed to explode ungainly into the bungalow. Sonia, who had watched this undignified performance with amused delight, stood up and asked, "So what the bloody hell happened to him then?" Paul, while guiding Norman over to the settee as Carolyn and Jane stood up and moved to one side said, "Actually, I'm not quite sure what happened to him. It was all very confusing back there." He then got Norman to flop back onto the settee and left him there to moan and groan to his hearts delight. "He's drunk isn't he?" Sonia declared judgmentally as she stood looking down at Norman in disgust, "He never knows when he's had enough." Eric, who was holding Norman's crutches, declared in his defence, "I don't think he's very drunk. Well no more than usual anyway." "You must have some idea how much he's drunk tonight Eric." Sonia stated and then asked, "Was it more than you?"

With eyebrows raised in surprise, Eric replied, "It's always more than me." "So I was right." Sonia confirmed gleefully, "He is bloody pissed." "For God's sake woman!" Norman bellowed from his lowly position on the settee, "Will you stop talking about me as though I were a three year old child." "Well stop acting like one then." Sonia snapped back at him, "I'm just trying to find out what happened to you out there, what all that bloody fuss was about." "For your information." Norman stated angrily as he pointed to his swollen right eye, "I was hit slap bang in the eye and it bloody well hurts."

"I may be a little dense Norman dear." Sonia replied sarcastically, "But who hit you? We're the only ones here." "It wasn't a who, my dear. It was an inanimate object." Norman stated through gritted teeth. "An object?"

"What bloody object?" Sonia asked inquiringly, who was completely puzzled by this unexpected information. "A stone, a rock, a bloody great boulder for all I know." Norman snarled, "But whatever it was, it hit me in the eye and it bloody well hurts."

"Don't be so daft Norman." Sonia declared while grinning and shaking her head in disbelief, "Who would want to throw a stone at you in the middle of a dark forest you bloody fool." "I don't know who threw it dearest," Norman replied sarcastically, "I just know that it hit me slap bang in the eye." "Actually," Paul then said while smiling happily, "As it turned out, I was rather lucky." "Oh good!" Norman exclaimed with false jollity while he forced a grim smile, "I'm so glad to hear that Paul, that news has cheered me up no end."

"Yes well." Paul continued, who was not at all upset by Norman's sarcasm, "You see, I stumbled just as that missile went past. I believe that if I hadn't stumbled at that precise moment, it would probably have hit me on the head." On hearing this illuminating information, Norman, now realized what had happened back there in the dark lane and with eyes wide, he glared menacingly at Eric, who was standing to one side of the room with his hands in his pockets and gazing around while whistling almost silently.

"So there was a missile then?" Carolyn asked incredulously.

"Oh yes," Paul confirmed categorically, "It went whizzing past my head like a medieval cannon ball."

"Oh my god! Shouldn't we call the police or something?" Sonia cried out, who'd suddenly become very worried by this unexplained and very disturbing piece of news, "There could be a homicidal maniac out there." Then, letting her vivid imagination run away with her, she added, "He could be out there right now lurking about in those bushes, just waiting to attack us." "Sonia's quite right you know." Paul suddenly agreed rather worriedly, "If someone is hiding out there, we could all be in very grave danger." Realising that things could get serious out of hand, Norman decided to try and calm things down and said soothingly, "Now, now, let's not lose our heads over this." "Bloody hell Norman!" Sonia cried, as she automatically put her hands up to her throat as some sort of defence, "You could have phrased that a little better." Norman, while trying to think of a way to put a lid on this ridicules train of thought said pleasantly, "Now let's all calm down and look at this situation logically. First of all, there isn't a telephone here in the bungalow, so we can't call the police and? " "There's bound to be one at the vicarage." Interrupted Paul excitedly and then pointing a finger at Eric he added, "Eric could soon pop down to the vicarage and telephone the police from there."

"Who me!" Wide eyed Eric cried out in protest, as he was quite startled by this unexpected proposal and immediately protested in a panic, "Pop down to the vicarage? ? Why me? ?Why should I risk my life out there?"

Norman looked at Eric in surprised amazement and thought, "Is he for real? Doesn't he realize that he is the cause of this stupid panic?" Paul, showing his silky salesman skills, then said persuasively, "Because Eric, you're the ideal man for the job in hand. You're young, virile, strong and exceptionally fearless." "Paul's a born salesman alright." Norman thought as he saw gullible Eric swallow every compliment hook line and sinker, "Even if he is a bloody pain in the arse." "Yes ? well, that maybe so." Eric replied, while automatically flexing his biceps and enjoying the unexpected compliment, "But I still don't see why it should be me." "You could take some sort of weapon if you're afraid." Paul suggested cunningly, "A large saucepan out of the kitchen perhaps."

"Oh, now that's very clever." Norman thought grudgingly.

"Who said I'm afraid?" Eric challenged indignantly, "It's not that at all, I'm just being extra careful, weighing up the situation as it were." "Excuse me for asking a stupid question Paul." Carolyn butted in sarcastically, "But why don't you go instead? Your always saying how fit you are." "Oh well played Carolyn, check mate I believe old boy." Norman thought with satisfaction. "Me!" Paul cried out in surprise and realizing that he'd been wrong footed, he quickly said, "Oh no, that wouldn't do at all. I er? I think it would be much more sensible if I stayed here to protect you women folk because as you can see, Norman is quite incapacitated." "Well that makes me feel much safer." Carolyn replied while giving him a sarcastic smile. "Time to intervene I think," Norman thought and tranquilly said, "Now, now, let's all calm down, we don't want to go waking the vicar up at this time of the night do we? That wouldn't be very nice or neighbourly now would it?" "You didn't show much concern when we walked past the vicarage earlier." Sonia pointed out, "Singing Jerusalem at the top of your voice and running your crutches along his iron railings." "That was just a bit of light hearted holiday fun dear." Norman replied while smiling brightly, "Besides, my eye is feeling much better now and we all seem to be jumping to wild conclusions, after all, it may have been just a bird that dropped that stone." "A what!" Paul cried out in wide eyed astonishment, "A bird? Norman, a bird would have to be as big as a blooming ostrich to carry a stone as large as that." "Well, a poacher then." Norman suggested casually and warming to the idea, he then went on to say, "Yes, that's it, perhaps it was a poacher. You know, one of those colourful straw chomping characters that they have out here in the countryside." "A poacher? Doing what for heaven's sake?" Paul asked as he shook his head in wide eyed disbelief. "Poaching of course." Norman replied confidently, "He must have been throwing a stone at a rabbit or a fox, or whatever they poach in this part of the country." "A poacher throwing stones at rabbits in the middle of a pitch black forest." Sonia stated in disbelief while shaking her head, "Norman? Just how much did you have to drink in that pub tonight?"

Realizing that he was in danger of losing control of the situation, Norman jumped to his feet and said forcefully, "For heaven's sake woman, I am not drunk." "Well it certainly sounds as though you are." Sonia replied and added sarcastically, "A poacher, throwing stones at a rabbit. Norman, it's so dark in that lane, you wouldn't even see a bleeding elephant never mind a rabbit." Norman, now trying desperately to pour oil on troubled waters tried a different track and said, "Look, I'm just trying to see things from a different angle dear, from a more logical point of view." "Well it doesn't sound very logical to me." Sonia declared as she shook her head. "Nor me." Eric added worriedly, "That homicidal maniac is probably out there right now, holding a big heavy cudgel and just waiting for me to step outside." Norman did a double take and thought to himself, "When this is all over, I'll have that stupid cretin certified and put away for life, or better still, I'll just throw him off the top of Beachy Head."

Sonia, with a hand on her chest gasped, "Oh God, I hope he's not out there with a big cudgel. The very thought of it makes me feel quite faint." "Now let's all be sensible about this," Norman interjected quickly, "It stands to reason that if it was a man that threw the stone, well, whoever it was, will be miles away by now, so let's forget all about it for tonight." "How can you be sure that he's miles away Norman?" Jane asked who'd been silent until then, "Remember the cars wouldn't start when we set off for the village earlier." "So? What's that got to do with it?" Norman questioned irritably, as he did not welcome this secondary attack on his explanation.

"Well, what if someone had tampered with the cars to stop us driving down to the village earlier?" Jane pointed out calmly, "So that they could then attack us in the dark when we were on our way back." Eric looked up at the damp stained ceiling and softly whistled, which did not go unnoticed by Norman who was now beginning to feel like a circus juggler who had accidentally thrown too many balls into the air.

"Jane could be right." Paul exclaimed, while nodding his head in agreement, "What if someone has followed us down here and is planning to murder us all one by one, just as they do in those Agatha Christie stories." Eric, who was now feeling a little uncomfortable at the way this conversation was progressing, looked away and whistled softly once more. "Paul, my dear," Carolyn then said condescendingly, "Please try and control your vivid imagination, why on earth would anyone want to kill us?" "I do not know why anyone would want to kill us, my little turtle dove," Paul answered while giving her a sickly smile, "But I do know this, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the brakes on my new car when we left home this morning and if Norman hadn't wanted to test drive my car on the way down here, you and I could be lying on a mortuary slab, right now." Shocked at hearing this disturbing information, Carolyn automatically put a hand up to her mouth and blurted out, "Oh my God! I never thought of that, it could have been us in that accident."

Eric, now wishing that he was somewhere else, continued with his soft unconcerned tuneless whistling. "Well as it happens," Sonia piped up as she relived the distressing incident, "It was me that was in that bloody car crash and it ruined my new summer dress." "Eric!" Jane suddenly cried out with annoyance, "Do stop that stupid whistling. What's your opinion of what's going on?"

Startled and embarrassed at being picked on, Eric cried, "Who? Me? I don't know what's going on." And seeing that everyone was now looking at him he exclaimed worriedly, "Why are you all looking at me? I don't know who did it, I wasn't there." "Wasn't where?" Paul asked a little puzzled. "Wherever what happened ? happened." Eric answered a little nervously. Paul shaking his head in disbelief exclaimed, "I just knew I shouldn't have asked." Realizing that their imaginations were now running away with them yet again, Norman needed to calm things down quickly and so once more he attempted to rationalize the incidents, "Look, now let's all calm down shall we? I think we are in danger of letting our imaginations run away with us. I'm sure the cars will start in the morning after Eric has given them the once over. It's probably something very simple, like a little damp on the spark plugs or something like that." He then glanced at Eric warningly and continued, "The knock on my eye will probably have some simple explanation that we haven't even considered yet. I mean, in a dark country lane with the wind blowing and rustling the tree tops, the moonlight can play all sorts of tricks and as for the brakes failing on Paul's new car, well, that sort of thing can happen at any time can't it?" "Oh that's very comforting," Sonia stated sarcastically, "The next time I'm driving down a busy road, I'll bear that in mind, "The brakes can fail at any time." "It's just a figure of speech my dear," Norman replied pleasantly as he thought. "If only they would fail while you were driving down a busy road that would solve yet another problem." "I'm just trying to put things into perspective." "Yes, well I have to agree on one thing," Sonia announced as she stifled a yawn, "Let's forget it for tonight. As you say it may look different in the morning and quite honestly, I'm buggered and the last thing that I want tonight is some dopy village bobby on an old bike complete with bicycle clips and notebook asking stupid questions about mysterious flying objects zooming through a dark forest. So, I don't know about you lot, but I'm off to my pit."

"Yes, I think your right." Carolyn nodded in agreement, "I don't think I could face a face to face grilling by a local P. C. Plod right now." "Oh, and another thing Norman," Sonia then said while waving a warning finger at him, "Don't you ever book me into a place that doesn't have a telephone again. I mean, how on earth do you expect me to ring home without a blinking phone?" "Why on earth would you want to phone home at this time of night?" Norman asked questioningly while frowning at her. "To see if Junior is alright of course," Sonia replied as if she were talking to an idiot, "To see if he's nicely tucked up in bed. He must be shattered, the poor love, don't forget Norman, he's been at work on his own all day." "He's shattered!" Norman cried out in exasperation, "What about me? Car crash, broken leg, hiking to the village and back on crutches and a smack in the eye with a bloody great boulder to round it off."

"Oh, well," Sonia then said while completely ignored Norman's complaint, "He's probably fast asleep by now, the little love." She then smiled pleasantly at the thought and disappeared into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her with a bang. As Norman watched her go, all he could think to say was, "Give me strength." "Yes, I think it's time we all called it a day," Carolyn declared wearily, "Before anything else exciting happens."

"A good idea," Norman agreed pleasantly and added, "I just hope that I can get a reasonable night's sleep, what with this leg aching the way it does, I may have to hobble around in the middle of the night to exercise it." He winked at Carolyn hoping for a subtle invitation, but disappointedly he got no welcoming response at all, "but nothing ventured, nothing gained" he thought as she disappeared into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. "See you all in the morning." Jane said as she also disappeared into her bedroom and as she went, Paul called out, "Sweet dreams."

Norman and Eric moved over to the rough home-made bunk bed and proceeded to undress while dapper Paul set about making a bed for himself on the old settee. With the wife's now behind closed doors, Norman felt free at last to speak his mind and said with irritation, "Did you hear that? I wonder if Junior is alright. If I know him, he's halfway through my bloody whisky and the barmaid from the Red Lion by now." "If you have such a low opinion of your son Junior," Paul asked as he slowly took off his clothes and proceeded to fold them neatly, "Why did you insist on bringing him into the business?" "Well, to get him away from the bloody television for one thing." Norman replied sharply as he looked down at his shorts and decided to leave them on for the night, "He was watching so much bloody television; he was in danger of losing the use of his legs." Eric, who was also in the process of undressing and had also decided to keep his shorts on, stated somewhat controversially, "Well I think Junior has hidden depths, he's more of a deep thinker than you think he is."

"Coming from you, my little brain of Britain, a recommendation like that means absolutely nothing." Norman countered with obvious contempt, "I very much doubt that he could think his way out of a paper bag without my help." "You'd be surprised at just how keen he is to know how the business works," Eric replied with a knowing smile, "Only the other day he was asking me all sorts of questions about, invoicing, how the credit worked and the companies banking process." "Well I've certainly never noticed him show any initiative." Norman declared dismissively, "Are you sure that he wasn't just pulling your leg?"

"If he's that bad," Paul asked, while playing devil's advocate, "Couldn't you have found him a position in a rival company?" "I see what you mean, put a saboteur in the midst of the enemy, eh?" Norman replied as he pondered the idea thoughtfully, "It's a nice idea, but it would never have worked, he'd have got his marching orders before a week was out and I'd still be stuck with him." Having now donned his pyjamas, Paul arranged the three cushions and lay down onto the settee and wrapped the rough ex-army blanket around him. Then, feeling comfortable, he then said amusingly, "Look on the bright side Norman, if you'd have had twins, you could have been lumbered with twice the trouble." "Are you by any chance trying to implant a nightmare into my mind?" Norman answered with a growl, as he saw nothing remotely funny in Paul's comment, "Look, things are bad enough as they are without fantasizing about what might have been." He then leaned his crutches next to the bunk bed and slowly lay down on the lower bunk with his plastered right leg resting on the floor by his side and said, "Anyway, enough of this silly chit chat, I'm for sleep, I've got a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a very special day, a day I shall always remember."

"Yes," Paul agreed, "I'm ready for the land of nod. I feel quite pooped." Eric who was still organizing his clothes and his bed said confidently, "Well I think Junior will surprise you one day, he's got more about him than you give him credit for Norman." "Can we please drop this distasteful subject," Norman barked back angrily, "The last thing I want to do tonight is dream about bloody Junior and how clever he is, I have other fish to fry, so gentlemen, I bid you both a very good night!"

Now realizing that the other two had now settled comfortably into their beds, Eric declared sarcastically, "I suppose it's my turn to switch the light off is it?" He then stepped over to the front door where the light switch was located, looked around the room and nodding his head, he said, "You two just lie there comfortable, I'll see to it." He then switched the light off which instantly plunged the room into total darkness and with his arms outstretched, he shuffled over to the bunk bed and proceeded to climb up onto the top bunk, but as he did so, he accidentally stepped onto Normans plastered leg which brought forth a searing scream and a torrent of abuse from the aggrieved victim. Eric, who had ungraciously achieved his goal and was now safely on the top bunk just whispered apologetically, "Sorry Norm, I thought it was a step. Things look different in the dark." As the pain in his leg slowly dissipated, Norman lay on his bed and once more promised himself that in the near future he would solve the ongoing problem of Eric and his constant incompetence and a strange ugly smile registered across his ungracious face. One by one, five of the exhausted holiday makers in the run down shambolic holiday bungalow that was laughably known as Shangri-La and was situated at the end of a rough track in an unexceptional grass field, slowly drifted off into a state of welcome sleep. Each one had their own baggage of past disappointments and regrets along with their melodramatic dreams and fanciful hopes for the future. But the sixth one, the slick, smooth talking lady killer Paul, lay wide awake and thought cunningly of clandestine love making.

A Little Later Paul lay on his back listening to Norman and Eric snoring peacefully and patiently he waited until he had judged that they had both fallen into a deep comatose sleep and would not notice if he went on a little walkabout and secretly visited Jane in her bedroom. He fully realized that Jane might reject his nocturnal advances, but he gambled that she would not make much of a fuss and that she would come to realize just how serious he was to start an ongoing passionate affair. He'd been thinking about this momentous moment for some time and the more he thought about it, the more excited and sexually aroused he became the bolder his intentions became. "Who dares wins and all that," he thought smugly. Stealthily, Paul slipped out of his made up bed and after lining up the three cushions that were on the settee, he covered them over with his blanket so that anyone glancing at the settee would believe that he was still lying there. This done, he then tip toed over to Jane's bedroom and carefully he opened the door, but although he was extremely careful, there was nothing he could do to stop the old door creaking slightly. He instantly froze and with the door half open he listened attentively to see if the slight noise had disturbed anyone. He waited until he was sure that no one had woken and with his heart beating a little faster, he slipped inside Jane's bedroom and slowly and carefully closed the door behind him. He stood perfectly still, leaning against the door while waiting for his wildly beating heart to steady itself and from the dim light that flooded the small bedroom from the open window he could see the outline of the slim figure of Jane lying in her bed. She was curled up comfortably in the single bed and fast asleep and gradually his wild imagination and ardour began to rise once more.

Paul it seems, had reached a time in his life where he'd become, not only a disappointment to his wife Carolyn, but also to himself. He had long believed that by now, at the ripe old age of thirty five, he would have become a complete success, a man of substance and position. Independent and the master of a thriving business. After all, he'd been trained for the part; his well to do old fashioned stuffy parents had raised him to believe that he was a cut above the rest and someone who was somewhat special. Although disappointedly, they had eventually come to realized that he wasn't the brightest of boys, they had made sure that he had received a good education at a private school, a school that had equipped him with two of the most important tools to a successful career, good clear diction and an enamelled confidence that could repel the slings and arrows of outrageous insults no matter where they came from. And yet, for all that, here he was, rapidly nearing middle age and scraping along as a partner in an insignificant medium sized business with a partner who was nothing more than a jumped-up, loud-mouthed ignorant market trader and married to a woman who was about as subservient as a Bengal tiger. It was this ever present feeling of failure that was behind his constant unease and his addiction to philandering, it wasn't anything to do with a craving for undying poetic love or even steamy sex, no what he enjoyed most was the wonderful feeling of winning, of being the best, a champion, a number one. Even now, standing there in this small compact bedroom and looking down at Jane sleeping peacefully in her bed, he felt no overwhelming desire to own her or to love her more than he loved his wife, for as far as he was concerned, she was just another challenge, a prize to be won, another notch on his gun, proof that he was indeed, someone special.

Lying on his back staring at the dark void above him, Eric had no notion of what had woken him, but couldn't help wondering if something had happened and that danger was afoot. He could hear Norman snoring on the bunk below and outside a gentle breeze was whispering among the old trees, but he felt that there had been something else, a sound, an odd creak, a strange noise of some sort. As he lay there half asleep and half-awake his imagination began to wonder as it always did in these circumstances and he eventually began to think of his odd, ongoing affair with Sonia. Why had he allowed it to happen he asked himself? Why did he allow himself to drift into these complicated situations? He certainly hadn't planned it, hadn't given it a conscious thought, it just seemed to have happened. One day he and Sonia, who had been easy going friends who bumped into each other from time to time and shared a good natured chat and the next they were in the storeroom at the back of the companies showroom and he found himself kissing and cuddling her, or was it the other way round? Was she the one who had kissed and cuddled him? Did he instigate it, or did she? He was no longer quite sure how the dalliance had come about. Just like many of his other lustful intrigues, the episode, though pleasant, had become a confusing blur in his memory. Anyway, no matter how it had started, the fact was, Sonia now seemed to be around at all times, at work and sometimes at home when Jane was at her pottery class. She'd even rubbed up against him in the office when Norman was distracted and even more so when Norman was at the golf club playing the nineteenth hole. He had known from the very beginning that he should have put a stop to it, but the problem, as always, was how? Perhaps he'd do it next week or then again, perhaps not? He was well aware that he was extremely weak willed and besides, he had to admit, he enjoyed it, he always had. Even as a child, girls had delighted in manipulating him and he'd never ever had the heart to resist. He'd always enjoyed the game of "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" and he found that he was no different now that he had grown into a mature male. He'd always loved women's company and always felt at ease with them and for some unexplained reason, many of them just wanted to mother and protect him.

Lying there on the bunk bed and now fully awake, his thoughts returned to the odd noise that he thought he'd heard and he began to wonder if the noise was connected to the homicidal maniac that had been stalking them earlier when they had been returning from the pub while completely forgetting that he had been the one who'd thrown the stone that had accidentally hit Norman in the eye. Now, convincing himself that they may all be in danger of attack, he suddenly realized that he hadn't locked the front door when he'd switched off the light earlier and without another thought entering his confused mind, he jumped off the top bunk and made a dash for the door, but in his haste he knocked Norman's, big awkward wooden crutches flying and they clattered loudly on the wooden floor. Not wanting to be blamed for causing the clattering racket and waking everyone up, he panicked and instantly made an effort to clamber back onto the top bunk. Unfortunately, in his haste he accidentally stepped onto Norman's plastered leg which was still protruding from the lower bunk. Those that hadn't been wakened by the clattering of the crutches were unquestionably woken by Norman's inhuman screams as he instantly shot up into a sitting position and unfortunately hit his head on the base of the bunk bed above him. He grabbed at his plastered leg that had suddenly given him an excruciating painful shock with both hands and rocked back and forth in his bunk in the manner of a demented rocking horse while screaming blue murder. Within seconds, Sonia and Carolyn shot out of their respective bedrooms crying loudly, "What's happening? Are we being attacked? What's going on?" Norman, his head and plastered leg now full of throbbing pain, quickly extracted himself from his bunk bed and proceeded to dance around the room on one leg while trying desperately to find a way to deaden the excruciating pain and having not succeeded, screamed "Oh! My leg! Oh my bloody head! Ooooow." "The light! The light! Someone put the bloody light on, are we being attacked?" Sonia cried in panic, "Is it the maniac? Is he attacking us?"

Carolyn stumbled across the room having remembered where the light switch was she quickly switched the light on and turning her head to look around the room she said with relief, "There! Now what the hell is going on? Is it the prowler?" Sonia, with her hands up to her throat cried, "Oh God! I hope not." Then realizing that Norman was bouncing around the room on one leg and screaming, she said sharply, "Norman! For heaven's sake, stop dancing around the room like a bloody deranged witch doctor and see if we are being attacked." Carolyn looked around the room once more and seeing no sign of a stranger or any danger, said, slightly puzzled, "There doesn't seem to be anyone else here, so what the hell's going on?" "Norman!" Sonia snapped with irritation, "Is there a prowler in the house or not?" But all Norman could say in a sorrowful whimper was, "Oh, my bloody leg, Oooooow." "Norman! Will you stop hopping around the room and answer me." Sonia demanded and then realizing that there might be a reason for his strange hopping behaviour, asked inquiringly, "Why are you bouncing about like a bloody beach ball anyway?" "I am hopping about woman." Norman snarled as he gasped for breath, "Because I am in bloody agony." Then pointing at Eric who was still sitting on the top bunk and looking somewhat bemused at what had happened, he added with venom, "Some dopey bugger jumped on my leg, my broken bloody leg, Oooow." Eric, surveying everything from his high perch just said apologetically, "Sorry, Norm. I thought I heard a noise, so I jumped down to see if it was the mysterious poacher or a murderer." On hearing this odd explanation, Norman stopped hopping about for a moment and giving Eric a piecing look asked enquiringly, "Just a cotton picking minute. You say you jumped down to investigate a strange noise?" "Yes Norm." Eric agreed apologetically, "Sorry about landing on your leg, but I couldn't see it in the dark."

But Norman was far from satisfied with this half-baked excuse and with a sickly grin on his podgy face he inquired, "If you jumped down when you heard this strange noise, how come you were sitting up there when the light went on? Just what have you been up to Eric?" Trying desperately to think of a good excuse and failing miserably, Eric just muttered, "Well, I er? thought? and then?" "He must have jumped back up again." Sonia snapped logically, "Honestly Norman, all this fuss over where Eric was, why don't you find out what the noise was about?" Carolyn, who had been looking at Paul's sleeping figure lying on the settee, suddenly pointed at it and asked worriedly, "Why hasn't Paul woken up?"

"What?" Norman asked as he saw Carolyn pointing at the sleeping figure.

As they all looked at the still figure lying on the settee, Carolyn said worriedly, "With all this noise going on, you'd have thought that he would have woken by now. But he hasn't moved at all." With her hands on each side of her shocked face Sonia gasped, "Oh my God!" and then asked what they were all thinking, "You don't think the maniac's murdered him do you?" Norman immediately swung around and glared at Eric, but Eric shook his head vigorously and mimed the words, "No, not me Norm. Not me."

Carolyn slowly walked over to the settee, grabbed the end of the blanket that was covering the still figure and swept it aside with a swift flourish and revealed for all to see, the three cushions that Paul had arranged in a row. There was a combined shocked gasp from the four onlookers followed by a questioning looks, as each one sort an explanation in each other's eyes. Norman shrugged his shoulders, but Carolyn and Sonia without a word spoken, automatically stared at dreamy Jane's bedroom door. "Why, the randy two timing dog!" Carolyn snarled angrily as she proceeded to clench and unclench her fists in frustration, "I'll kill him!" Consumed with anger she stomped over to Jane's bedroom door and banged on it heavily with her right hand and cried out loudly, "Come on! Open up! I know you're in there, Casanova." Eric looked on in stunned silence as he desperately tried to understand what was going on and try as he might, he couldn't understand why Carolyn was calling his wife Casanova, it just didn't make any sense, "Perhaps she drank a lot more than I thought she had," he pondered. Jane's bedroom door eventually slowly opened and out stepped a sleepy eyed Jane, who to everyone's surprise, was wearing a very sexy negligee.

"Wow!" Eric gasped as he looked upon the scene from his high perch. He sat staring with his mouth wide open and thought, "Am I dreaming or is that really my wife?" as he'd never seen her dressed in anything so skimpy and provocative before. "What's going on? What time is it?" Jane asked sleepily as she rubbed her eyes with her knuckles, "Did you want something?" "You might well ask what's going on." Carolyn stated accusingly, "Where's Paul?" "I'm sorry, but I don't understand?" Jane replied, who was completely baffled by this question, "Is he missing?" Eric, who was now on a completely different wave length to the others, asked while still sitting on his high bunk bed and pointing at Jane, "When did you buy that er? "Sorry?" Jane replied a little puzzled, "Buy what?" "That er? sexy, whatever it is." Eric stuttered as he stared at Jane's skimpy negligee. Ignoring Eric, Jane asked, "I just don't understand. Why are you all up, at this time of the night and why are you banging on my door?" "Well, little Miss innocent." Carolyn stated sarcastically, "We seem to have a prowler in our midst and he seems to be hiding in your bedroom."

"I still don't understand." Jane replied while shaking her head in puzzlement, "Why would a prowler be in my bedroom? I haven't anything of value." "Even for a librarian, that's a very na?ve answer." Carolyn retorted, as she was convinced that Jane was play-acting and playing for time and added spitefully, "Perhaps he wants his book stamped. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to search your room." But just as she was about to move forward and, if necessary, push Jane forcibly out of the way, the front door suddenly opened and in walked Paul dressed in his sky blue silk pyjamas. "Good evening everyone." Paul beamed brightly, "May I ask why your all up and about at this time of night? Has something significant happened?" Norman looked at Paul and then at Jane's bedroom and said questioningly, "We thought that you might be? that you were in? well er?" "Yes Norman?" Paul asked with a mischievous glint in his eye, "What was it you thought?" "Just where the hell have you been? You lecher!" Carolyn demanded to know as she was still convinced that Paul and Jane had been up to something. "Why hello my dear." Paul replied while pretending that he hadn't noticed her standing there, "How nice to see you up and about." "Never mind the clap trap, where have you been?" Carolyn demanded to know. "Actually my dear." Paul replied while taking up a poetic stance, "I've been outside sampling the beautiful night air. There's not a cloud in the sky and one can see a vast array of twinkling stars stretching out to infinity. It's all quite tranquil." "Night air?" Carolyn exclaimed sarcastically, "You expect me to believe that you've been out sampling night air dressed in pyjamas and without anything on your feet? "Yes dear, I just went for a walk." Paul said while smiling sweetly and then turning to Norman he asked charmingly, "There's no law against it is there old boy, not up before the head prefect in the morning am I?"

"No, I suppose not." Norman replied, who was still puzzled by the situation, but couldn't put his finger on what it was that didn't quite add up, "It's just that we all? well?" "Well I don't believe a word of it." Carolyn stated angrily, "You stroll in here looking like cheap version of Noel Coward parading about on a cruise liner and expect us to believe that you've been out walking around a field full of cow pats looking at stars. And there's another thing that needs explaining Romeo. Why was your bed made up to look as though you were still in it?"

"Was it my dear?" Paul answered sweetly, "I really didn't notice."

"Well I did." Carolyn said sharply as her half closed eyes scrutinized him, "And I don't believe for one minute that you'd go out there in that field just to see the stars, why back home you won't even mow the lawn unless the sun's shinning." "Ah, but out here, my precious." Paul said while taking up his poetic stance once more. "I feel as one with Mother Nature." "Cobblers!" Was Carolyn's sharp response to his highly inventive load of drivel. "And tell me my little nymphet." Paul asked amusingly, "Why are you up at this hour running around in your skimpie's?" Carolyn had been so engrossed in thinking that they were under attack from an intruder that she had shot out of her bedroom wearing nothing more than a flimsy top and panties and then getting diverted into thinking Paul was in Jane's bedroom, she had completely forgotten that she was barely dressed. The sudden realization caused her great embarrassment, much to Paul's delight, and she quickly retired to her bedroom. "Actually Paul." Norman said soothingly as he had decided to give Paul an explanation, as he didn't want these silly arguments to get in the way of his master plan, "We are all up and about, because we heard an unfamiliar noise and we thought that we might have a prowler in our midst."

Jane who was still standing in her bedroom doorway simply said, "I didn't. I didn't hear a noise and I didn't think that there was a prowler in my bedroom." And with that said, she stepped back into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. "Well!" Sonia exclaimed a little shocked, "What do you make of that?" Norman turned to Eric and said, "That's a very strange woman you've got there Eric. You should keep an eye on her." Eric, who was still bewildered by what Jane was wearing, just muttered absent-mindedly, "I've never seen her dressed like that before. She usually wears those winceyette things." Paul, feigning a yawn, stretched his arms out wide then said, "I think Jane's right, there is no prowler, so let's all go to bed shall we and get a good night's sleep." "Yes, well I'm for bed as well." Sonia agreed and although she was also wearing almost nothing, it didn't bother her one bit and she added, "I'm so bloody confused, I don't know who's who or what's what any more, but I desperately need some sleep. I suppose the next thing will be a blooming countryside dawn chorus waking us up." And as she disappeared into her bedroom she called out, "Good night? or should that be, good morning?"

"I don't know about you two, but I feel quite worn out." Paul announced breezily, "I'll just pay a visit to that splendid bucket out there in the Everglades and then I'll call it a day." "I thought that's why you went out earlier?" Norman asked suspiciously.

"Oh no Norman." Paul replied as he walked towards the front door and smiled, "I explained quite clearly, I went out for some fresh air." He then went outside and Norman and Eric could hear him stumbling about and cursing as he made his way across the rough field towards the outside lavatory. Out in the chill night, Paul gingerly made his way away from the bungalow and towards the ramshackle hut that was laughingly described as an outside loo. He had no intention of entering the sinister rusty hut and when he judged that no one could see him from the bungalow, urinated freely. As he stood there on the cold grass, making figure of eight patterns in front of him, he admonished himself for forgetting to put shoes on his feet, but congratulated himself on swiftly climbing out of Jane's bedroom window without waking her and for surprising those morons back in the bungalow with his clever off the cuff explanation. "One up to me I think," he thought happily.

Back in the bungalow, Norman looked thoughtfully at Jane's bedroom door and back again to the front door and thoughtfully he muttered, "You don't think that he? really? did? do you?" "I don't think what?" Eric asked puzzled, as he was still trying to work out why his wife had suddenly decided to wear skimpy nightwear. He remembered that she had quite willingly worn nothing at all on their honeymoon, but after that memorable week, comfort had always come before any sort of titillating night attire. "Oh, nothing." Norman replied, as he realized that he had been talking to himself and certainly didn't want Eric's confused views on the subject. Then looking Eric straight in the eye he said menacingly, "Now then master of calamities, just what the hell have you been playing at?"

"Who me?" Eric cried out in alarm, "Nothing, I never went near your wife." "Not my wife, you bloody fool." Norman barked angrily, "My black eye. I know it was you that threw that bloody stone, so it's no good denying it."

"Well, I er? I just thought." Eric tried to explain, "You know, if Paul was bumped on the head in the dark? well? how was I to know he'd stumble just as I threw it. I mean, he's always seemed so athletic in the past."

"And just how were you going to explain it to the police." Norman asked, with an air of disbelief, "A dead body with a smashed scull is not a normal occurrence you know, especially out here in the middle of nowhere." "Muggers!" Eric declared brightly, "We could have said that Paul was attacked by a gang of muggers." "A gang of muggers halfway up a dark country lane in the middle of nowhere." Norman replied while shaking his head from side to side in disbelief. "Well, Norm, some of them have motor bikes." Eric said in his defence, "They can get about you know, they can be very mobile." "Oh yes, very plausible." Norman replied, "And what about the cars? I take it, it was you that doctored the cars so that we would all have to walk up the lane in the dark." "Yeah, that was the plan." Eric admitted with a satisfied smile, "Clever hey?" Exasperated, Norman grabbed Eric's left ear and twisted it, causing Eric to yelp with pain and jump off the bunk bed. "What was that for?" Eric gasped as he rubbed his painful throbbing ear. "Thanks to you, you stupid great pillock." Norman explained with a snarl, "I now have a fractured leg, a badly bruised eye a lump on my head and am absolutely knackered after staggering up and down that bloody pot holed lane on crutches." "Sorry Norm, but? "Eric spluttered. "Never mind the sorry's and the buts." Norman demanded aggressively, "From now on don't even think of using your limited initiative for the rest of the weekend, I just don't think I could survive it. We stick to the original plan. We go out to sea in the morning, capsize the rowing boat and that's it. Nothing else. Got it?" "But Norm? "Eric protested earnestly. But before Eric could say another word, the front door opened and in shuffled Paul who was slightly shivering from exposure to the night air and said, "Brrr, it's rather fresh out there, someone must have left the gate open." "I thought that you said that you liked fresh air?" Norman reminded Paul with a cynical smile lighting up his chubby face. "Oh I do." Paul replied as he rubbed his upper arms to warm himself and made his way to his settee bed, "But as the actress said to the Bishop, mustn't be to greedy" "Yes, well, be that as it may." Norman replied with slight irritation as he hobbled over to the front door and picked up his crutches, "I think I'll pay a visit myself before I turn in." and once outside, he muttered, "We'll see just how many wise-cracks you can come up with tomorrow when you're floundering around in the cold sea Mister Paul Smeaton." And with that pleasant thought swirling throughout his mind, he boldly headed for the dilapidated outside loo that was darkly silhouetted on the edge of the field.

Back in the bungalow Paul got into his sleeping position on the old settee and said to Eric with a satisfied smile, "And now for a good night's sleep and tomorrow, with a bit of luck, I'll catch the biggest fish you've ever seen." "Are you an experienced angler Paul?" Eric asked as he stood by the front door while awaiting Norman's return. "No, actually I'm not." Paul admitted thoughtfully, "But there can't be much to it can there? I mean just look at the obtuse types who go out and indulge in the strange activity every weekend."

"Actually." Eric replied with a confident smile, "I'm a bit of an angler myself." "Well there you are then." Paul declared brightly, "I rest my case." "I say Paul?" Eric enquired, while frowning in deep concentration, "Do you ever find yourself attracted to other women, I mean other than your own wife?" Paul sat bolt upright and instantly thought, "Does he know that I'm trying to seduce his wife?" But one look at Eric's innocent face dispelled any fear of any retribution on that score and he replied, "Well yes, I suppose I do on occasions, why do you ask?" "It's just that I do you see." Eric admitted, "And I just wondered if it was same for you." Intrigued by this startling revelation, Paul asked inquisitively, "You say you find yourself attracted to other women, but does it go any further? Do you ever actually get involved with them?"

"All the time." Eric admitted in a matter of fact way as he shook his head from side to side, "That's what I don't understand you see, I love my wife, but I just seem to become involved with other women, I don't plan it, or go out of my way, it just seems to happen." Slightly confused, but delighted to hear this fascinating confession, as he realized that it might come in useful at a later date, Paul declared with a reassuringly smile, "I shouldn't worry about it Eric, it sounds perfectly normal to me old boy. What the eye doesn't see and all that."

"It's a bit of a puzzle though isn't it?" Eric replied as he gazed worriedly into space as he was quite incapable of taking his thoughts any further. "Well it's no good fighting it Eric." Paul declared truthfully as he had never even thought of curbing his own lecherous ways, "It's been the same throughout all history, it's brought kings off thrones and started an untold number of wars, so what chance have we mere mortals got?"

"Yes, I suppose your right." Eric agreed with a shrug. Suddenly they heard the unmistakable sound of Norman bellowing from across the dark field, "Eric! Eric! Help!" "Hello, what's up now?" Eric sighed wearily, "I'll bet he's fallen over his crutches again, he's never been any good with mechanical things, even as a kid he was hopeless. It was always me who had to mend the puncture on his bike." Eric opened the front door wide and stepped outside into the dark night to investigate what all fuss was about and slowly he made his way across the dark field towards Norman's continuing bellowing voice.

On hearing the abnormal bellowing, Sonia, who hadn't yet dropped off to sleep, jumped out of her bed and in an agitated state of annoyance opened her bedroom door and yelled, "Now what's happened, what the hell's going on, how the hell am I supposed to get any sleep with all that bawling going on?" Carolyn and Jane also appeared and Carolyn asked irritably, "What is it now?" "I can't be sure." Paul said with an air of amusement, as he sat arranging his rough ex-army blanket over his legs, "But I suspect that Norman has fallen over again." "Oh, is that all." Sonia stated angrily, "Does he have to make such a bloody fuss about it all the time?" Just then, Eric came bounding into the bungalow through the front door entrance and while gasping for breath, he spluttered with surprise, "Oh.., hello girls, did the shouting wake you up?" Exasperated, Jane pointed out the obvious, "Eric dear, we haven't had time to go to sleep yet. Just what is going on?"

"Oh, it's Norman you see." Eric exclaimed and then turning to Paul he said pleadingly, "Paul, sorry to be a nuisance, but do you think you could give me a hand?" "Why of course old boy." Paul replied helpfully, as he whipped the blanket back off his legs with a matador flourish. He stood up and brushed his hands down his silk pyjamas and added, "What seems to be the trouble?" "I'm afraid Norman's had a little mishap." Eric explained apologetically as he shrugged his shoulders, "That old wooden plank in the loo has snapped in half and he's stuck in the chemical bucket."

After visiting the beach and exploring the beautiful surrounding cove, Sonia and Carolyn had slowly trudged back to the bungalow and were now at a loss of what to do next. They had satisfied their earlier passion for exploring the surrounding countryside and felt it was still a little to early to take in what excitement the local village had to offer on this bright Saturday morning. Sonia, who was dressed in a white low necked top and bright orange shorts stood by the open doorway of the bungalow and gazed wistfully at the sun-drenched landscape that lay before her. There was a number of cows grazing in the wide green grass field which was bordered by wild hedgerows and she said philosophically, "Do you know Carolyn, when I think of all the beautiful places that we could have gone to this weekend, I find it quite extraordinary that I should have ended up here in the back of beyond, living in a dilapidated shed, drinking tea without any milk and gazing at a cows arse."

"It's odd that we forgot to purchase any milk isn't it." Carolyn answered as she sat flicking listlessly through an out of date magazine that she'd found in the old sideboard, "I suppose it's being so used to having the damn stuff delivered to ones doorstep, one never thinks to purchase it separately. Mind you, to give Jane her due, she did volunteer to go out there with a bucket and milk one of those smelly beasts." "Yes, it was good of her to offer." Sonia agreed as she turned away from the open doorway and strolled slowly around the room on her orange high heeled sandals, "But all that talk of sterilization quite put me off. I'm one of those people that can eat anything as long as I don't know where its come from." "So I don't suppose you've ever thought of becoming a vegetarian then?" Carolyn asked, having, out of a sense of boredom, decided to play around with Sonia's obvious ignorance. "What's that then?" Sonia asked a little puzzled, "Do you mean those religious fanatics who believe eating meat is a sin?" "Well it's not actually a religion, although most of them do seem to treat it as one." Carolyn conceded thoughtfully.

"So? Are you one?" Sonia asked inquisitively. "Oh no." Carolyn replied defiantly, "I love a good steak and I'd still like to own a good expensive fur coat, but of course, that's looked upon as bad form nowadays isn't it? Save the animals and the environment and all that jazz." "I've always fancied being ravished on a big fur coat." Sonia admitted wistfully as she let her mind wonder down memory lane, "You know, one of them big white ones they used to have in them old black and white Hollywood films." "You do seem to have a very wild and vivid imagination." Carolyn pointed out while laughing at the image that Sonia had conjured up in her mind. "Believe me love, being married to Norman bloody know all, I bloody well need one." Sonia stated without the slightest hint of humour. "Don't you think that you're being a little bit hard on him," Carolyn said in his defence, "Why compared to deceitful Paul, he's a real gent."

"Oh, the grass is greener is it?" Sonia replied while smiling and then added thoughtfully, "I wonder if all women think that?"

"Think what?" "You know, that somebody else's bloke is better than the one they're lumbered with." Sonia speculated, "I know this much, I wouldn't mind swapping mine for a newer and more robust model." "I don't know about most women," Carolyn stated with pre-conceived conviction, "But men certainly think that way. For some reason, they all think that they're god's gift to women and should be allowed to bed as many as they like without any redress." Jane, dressed in a wispy summer dress and who'd been busy cleaning the untidy and dilapidated kitchen, suddenly appeared carrying an old metal pub tray with three unmatching mugs on it and declared pleasantly, "Orange squash anyone?" She then placed the tray onto the wooden table and preceded to hand the mugs out. "Oh thank you Jane, you're a life saver." Carolyn said with genuine surprise, "That's just what I need, I'm quite parched."

"So am I." Sonia agreed, but added forlornly, "I just wish we had something stronger to put in it, I can understand forgetting the bloody milk, but not packing a bottle of vodka or gin was one hell of a mistake." As they drank their orange squash, Carolyn suddenly thought of the missing men and asked Jane, "Jane, what time did the men say that they would be back from their stupid fishing trip?"

"They didn't actually say." Jane explained thoughtfully, "They just scampered off like little boys going on a school trip." Then turning to Sonia she added, "Actually, I've never seen Norman so excited, is he always like that?" "Not since our courting days love," Sonia replied cheerlessly, "Especially when he thought he was onto a good thing. Anyway, I hope they come back soon; I could do with a real stiff drink down at that village pub. It would be just my bloody luck if they've gone and got themselves drowned."

"I've never been that lucky." Carolyn added with a hateful sneer. Giggling, Jane spluttered, "Oh dear, I don't know how you can say such a thing, not even in jest." "Who's joking?" Carolyn stated firmly. "Do you honestly mean to say, that if Paul was drowned out there, you wouldn't miss him?" Jane asked while shaking her head in disbelief.

"To use a well known hackneyed Hollywood phrase my dear, I'd miss him, "Like a hole in the head." Carolyn answered emphatically.

"Oh, I don't know how you can say such a thing." Jane said a little shocked and then after a moment's thought she added, "Well not out loud anyway." "Now come on, do you honestly mean to say that you'd miss Eric?" Carolyn asked questioningly as she'd concluded long ago that Eric was no more than a blithering idiot and was no match for Jane's obvious intelligence. Jane might be a bit flaky, she thought, but there was no denying that that cotton wool head of hers held an awful amount of knowledge, knowledge that was way above Eric's simple mind.

"Well of course I'd miss him." Jane stated defiantly, and then, giving it some serious thought, she amended it to, "Well, for a week or two at least, but I suppose I'd become accustomed to it. The truth is, at times I quite like being on my own, especially at night." "Now I'm just the opposite love," Sonia declared thoughtfully, "But don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less what happens to Norman as long as he leaves me and Junior comfortably off, but as for being on one's own night after night, I wouldn't like that at all, I'd have to do something about that."

"I'm afraid that men have always been a bit of a mystery to me." Jane confessed with a deep sigh, "I suppose that's why I ended up marrying Eric, he was the least complicated man that I'd ever met, not that I'd met many. I was just surprised to find that he would do anything that I asked, it was quite a novelty at the time. There was no great romance involved, I suppose it was just convenient." "Uncomplicated, well that's one way of putting it." Carolyn offered cynically as she had always believed that Eric was no more than a natural dimwit. "Now don't you two get ganging up on poor Eric," Sonia said who felt a maternal need to defend her secret lover, "I know he's got his faults, but he's very warm and helpful and there's not an aggressive bone in his body." Seeing that these admirable traits had had no effect on either Jane or Carolyn, she then added, "And what's more, he's got a good sense of humour, he likes a good laugh does Eric and I like that in a man." "Well that's true enough I suppose." Jane conceded reluctantly, "But it's what he laughs at that sometimes bothers me, when I first met him I thought that he was a bit of a comedian, but now I realise that he's just a blooming fool." "Personally, I think they're all fools." Carolyn stated with a snarl, "I ask you, is there a sight more foolish than a randy man trying to be romantic while stripping down to his navy blue socks."

"Oh, I always switch the light off now." Sonia declared while screwing up her face in disgust, "I can't be doing with all that macho beer belly parading." "When it comes to that sort of thing, I usually find myself thinking about next week's shopping." Jane admitted with a faraway look.

"And as for all that Kama-Sutra nonsense," Carolyn snapped angrily, "Only a man could think up that stupid catalogue of granny knots."

"I quite agree with you there." Sonia agreed while remembering some her energetic youthful flings, "I put up with some of that in my younger days, but I found that he'd been and gone and finished before I'd even warmed up." Jane, while shaking her head from side to side then said with a note of distaste, "I don't think I could do anything like that, I've read about it in books of course, but I've never had the inclination to participate in anything that exotic. I suppose it comes from my mother's stern influence, she was rather straight laced and very Victorian in attitude actually." "Now just a minute, little Miss Innocent," Carolyn said questioningly, "What about that skimpy nightwear you were parading about in last night, don't you consider that to be a little exotic?" "Oh, you noticed that did you?" Jane exclaimed with surprise. "It would have been hard not to notice it my dear," Sonia remarked somewhat cynically, "It was a little revealing wasn't it. From a mail order catalogue was it?" "Actually, I'm not too sure." Jane answered hesitantly, "It was a present you see and not really my kind of thing at all." "And who gave you this exotic present?" Carolyn asked a little bewildered. "I'm not entirely sure." Jane answered with a thoughtful shrug, "I naturally thought it was from Eric, but he seemed most surprised when he saw me wearing it last night." Completely puzzled, Carolyn said, "I don't understand, why would you believe it was a present, if you don't know who sent it?" "Well it was in my suitcase when I opened it up." Jane explained, "It was right on the top wrapped in tissue paper. But as I said, Eric didn't seem to recognise it and he didn't say a word when he crept into my room last night." "Last night!" Sonia spluttered, "Eric came into your bedroom last night?"

"Yes that's right." Jane confirmed, "It was just before all that commotion about the prowler who never was, but I was half asleep at the time so I didn't take much notice and when all that shouting woke me up properly, he wasn't there. So I think he must have gone out via the window, but I could be wrong as I wasn't fully awake you see." "You think he went out through the open window?" Carolyn cried out in wide eyed astonishment. "Well I think so? it's all very vague, but I'm sure I didn't dream it." Jane confirmed, "I meant to ask Eric why he did that, but with all that fuss and the silly questions last night, I never got around to it." Then, walking over to her bedroom she said, "Oh well, as the men are not back yet, I'll just go and read my book for a while." And she disappeared into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Sonia looked at Carolyn and said questioningly, "But when we came out of the bedrooms last night and you turned the light on, Eric was sitting on the top bunk, so he couldn't have been? could he?" "No he couldn't." Carolyn snapped viciously, "So we both know who went through that bedroom window last night, the question is, is Jane really as na?ve as she makes out?" "What are you going to do about it?" Sonia asked excitedly as she looked forward to witnessing a terrible row, "Are you going to confront him with it when he comes back?" "Actually." Carolyn replied calmly, then smiling wickedly she added, "I'm going to bide my time, after all, two can play at that game as you well know." "And just what do you mean by that remark?" Sonia replied huffily. "I mean young lady that I've seen you and Eric winking at each other and it wasn't because you had something in your eye either." Carolyn said cynically and smiled knowingly. "What was that?" Sonia exclaimed as she turned to face the bungalow's open doorway, "I thought I heard something?" "Now don't you try and change the subject." Carolyn said while smiling wickedly, "I'm just beginning to warm to this investigation."

"No, honestly, I can definitely hear someone approaching." Sonia replied as she walked towards the doorway and glad of an excuse to steer clear of answering any of Carolyn's searching questions. Looking out of the doorway and down the rough lane she then saw who the visitor was and exclaimed, "Oh my gord! She's marching up this way like a blooming guard from Buckingham palace." "Who is?" Carolyn asked, somewhat mystified.

"The bloody vicar's wife!" Sonia declared disgustedly as she turned and re-entered the room and tried to decide where best to stand so that she could take on this formidable woman on her own terms. Sonia wasn't very fond of religion in general and was even less fond of its do-gooder advocates. She tended to see them as spoilsports and they always reminded her of one or two teachers that she had crossed swords with during her school days with their cold uncompromising edicts of don't do this and don't do that.

Carolyn stood up and faced the open doorway and said questioningly, "I wonder what she wants' at this time of the day?" And then a nagging embarrassing thought occurred to her, "Perhaps she's come to complain about the noisy antics outside the vicarage last night, after all, I don't suppose much happens around here in the evenings and last night's drunken shenanigans must have seemed like a riot to her." "Look out, here she is." Sonia whispered far too loudly. Actually, Sonia found it difficult to do or say anything quietly and so very rarely bothered to even try. Bertha, the small rotund vicars wife, bounded into the bungalow and announced her presence with a jolly, "Hello gel's!" and after giving the room a once over to see who was in attendance, she announced brightly, "Splendid morning isn't it? Just the day for loosening ones girdle and shouting yippee! hey what?" But getting no response from either Sonia or Carolyn she just carried on and added, "Thought I'd pop up and put you in the picture as it were, must see that our visitors from the big city are made welcome, hey what? Henry, that's my husband you know, insists that we keep our guests fully informed of our little traditions as it were." Attempting to cut the conversation short, Carolyn answered politely, "Yes, well, were very glad you called, but really you shouldn't have bothered, we're perfectly all right, we'll give you a call if we?" Completely ignoring Carolyn's placatory speech, Bertha muttered meditatively, "Now what was it I came for?" And then remembering she said, "Ah yes, first and foremost I completely forgot to mention where the back door key was hidden when I showed the men around the cottage yesterday." She walked over to the kitchen doorway and added, "It's hidden behind? " "The washing mangle." Carolyn stated enthusiastically. Stopped in her tracks, Bertha swung around and replied in a surprised tone, "Oh, you already know. I was sure that I'd forgotten to mention it to Mr. King when I showed him around the kitchen yesterday." "Actually, Jane found it." Carolyn informed her, "She's full of surprises; I believe she was once in the boy scouts or something very similar."

"She must be quite unique." Bertha said approvingly, "I wouldn't have thought that anyone would have thought to look behind the old mangle. That was our special hiding place." "I believe she's very interested in antiques." Carolyn explained with a condescending smile. "I don't know about antique, it looks medieval to me." Sonia stated with disgust and then added, "Does it actually work?"

"Oh yes dear, it's in full working order." Bertha assured her with enthusiasm, "You should give it a try, a bit of mangling's a wonderful exercise you know, beats the bells out of aerobics." With a distasteful look upon her over made up face, Sonia whispered to Carolyn, "I just knew that there was something missing from my life." Bertha seemed not to notice Sonia's sarcasm and just said, "Anyway, I'm glad you found the key, Henry, that's my husband you know, was a little worried about it." Carolyn, who by now had had quite enough of this mundane clap trap, stepped forward, put out a comforting arm and attempted to guide Bertha out of the bungalow while saying pleasantly, "Well you can tell Henry not to worry any more, we are fine and if we do happen need? "

Ignoring Carolyn completely and refusing to move an inch, Bertha in a deep state of concentration eventually said, "Now there was something else, I know there was." Carolyn and Sonia glanced at each other and sighed with combined bored resignation. "I'm afraid my memory is dreadful nowadays." Bertha explained as she struggled to discover why she had bothered to walk all the way from the vicarage, "Henry says I'd be better orf with a cabbage for a head. Henry, I said, coming from a man who keeps forgetting where he's parked his bicycle, that particular comment is rather ironic. Left it outside Lilly Archers cottage last week, tragic case you know, three children," Then tapping the side of her nose as a sign of secrecy, she whispered, "All with different fathers don't you know." Sonia glanced at Carolyn and said, "And you thought that nothing happens around here in the evening." Bertha, who was now becoming very annoyed with herself, said irritably, "Now what on earth was it I was supposed to remember? Sometimes I tie a knot in a handkerchief to help me remember things you know, but then I go and lose the blessed thing." She then walked around the room in deep concentration while Sonia and Carolyn looked on with mounting exasperation. Then suddenly, she cried out, "Floor boards, that's it!" "I might have known that it would be something riveting." Carolyn whispered with a deep sigh. Bertha marched determinedly over to the open doorway and pointed to the veranda floorboards and declared, "Yes, there's a lose floorboard out here on the veranda." "Actually, my husband has already found it." Sonia stated, "It was just before we went down to the pub last night." "Well do tell him to be careful." Bertha warned, "One can so easily lose ones balance and come a cropper if one accidentally steps on it."

"As a matter of fact," Sonia explained while smiling at the memory, "He said something very similar as he was picking himself up." Changing the subject, Bertha then said cheerily, "I presume your hairy sea dogs are out at sea catching your salty supper." "Oh I do hope not," Sonia replied with genuine distaste, "I'm certainly not gutting a fish even if it does cost me my outward-bound craft badge." "I wouldn't worry," Carolyn added humorously, "I doubt they've even got the hang of the rowing boat, never mind getting round to actually catching a fish." "Oh it's not a rowing boat my dear," Bertha pointed out, "Oh no, it's a fully equipped thirty foot diesel coastal boat. One needs more than a rowing boat for good sea fishing." "Yes, I suppose one does," Carolyn agreed thoughtfully, "But I could have sworn that I heard Norman and Eric discussing who was going to row the boat when we were sitting down to breakfast yesterday. Oh well, perhaps they were discussing another boat." "I'm sure Mr. King will soon get the hang of it, what with all his Royal Naval experience." Bertha assured them, which automatically raised the eyebrows of Sonia and Carolyn. Sonia, who was now determined to get rid of Bertha, then said to her sweetly, "Well I'm sure you're a very busy woman, with lots of flower arranging and jam making to do, so we won't keep you? " "Oh, I'm in no hurry." Bertha replied, much to Sonia's disappointment, "The one thing you can say about living out here in the country is that it slows you down. I was just saying as much to the vicar the other day, "If you slow down much more Henry" that's his name by the way, "you'll be going backwards I said."

Jane, who had been quietly relaxing in her room whilst reading a Virginia Wolfe novel, which she didn't fully understand, suddenly appeared at her bedroom doorway. She had decided to go for a stroll into the countryside and take in the fresh air, hoping that it might clear her mind and help her to concentrate on the book. "Oh, hello." Bertha said, whilst beaming at her, "You must be the boy scout that they were telling me about." "Who me?" Jane replied somewhat startled. "The trouble shooter, the competent one." Bertha declared whilst smiling broadly, "As a matter of fact, I'm rather a good organizer myself, garden fetes, jam and cake making competitions, amateur dramatics, all that sort of thing. We are very short of men, don't you know."

"You and me both." Sonia declared cynically. "Yes it's a continual problem in our am-dram society; I usually end up playing the part of a bloke, the burglar, the butler, the police inspector," Bertha explained, "I've played them all at one time or another, my Pickwick has to be seen to be believed." "I can well imagine." Sonia declared with raised eyebrows. "How often does your amateur dramatic society perform?" Jane asked keenly as she'd always been interested in her local am-dram society and had often toyed with the idea of joining the group, but as yet, she had never plucked up enough courage to do anything about it. "About three times a year." Bertha replied. "About the same as Norman." Sonia stated while examining her bright red polished fingernails. "Well it was very nice meeting you." Jane said politely, "I'm just off for a walk along the cliff path." Then turning to Sonia and Carolyn she added, "I shan't bother with lunch, I'm not really hungry enough to cook on that er? stove in there. So I'll just toddle off and find a quiet spot and read my book for a while." And with the book in hand, she walked out of the bungalow and into the bright sunshine and made her way towards the cliff path while humming the tune "Nymph's and Shepherd's Come Away" as she went.

Although Jane had been born and bred in a bustling city, she'd always felt more at home when strolling through the countryside and had developed a keen interest in spotting birds and wild flowers. Unbeknown to Eric, she constantly dreamed of settling down in a country cottage one day and in her fanciful dreams, she saw herself sketching and painting woodland scenes, a future Beatrix Potter. Unbeknown to poor Eric, he rarely made a significant appearance in this beautiful dream of hers or any other come to that.

Back in the bungalow, Bertha suddenly declared worriedly, "Oh dear, I should have warned her to be careful on that cliff path, the edges are liable to crumble you know." "Anyway," Sonia then stated, who was far from bothered about Jane walking along a perilous cliff path, "That mention of lunch has reminded me that I'm dying of thirst, so I think I'll just stroll down to that village pub." "Oh, yes dear, they'll knock you up a hearty ploughman's lunch at the village pub." Bertha stated confidently. Turning to Carolyn, Sonia said sarcastically, "How delightful, I can't think of anything I'd rather have at this moment, than a farm labourer's doorstep sarni and a pint of cloudy scrumpy." Bertha, who seemed to have gone into a trance for a few seconds suddenly said, "Now what was it I originally came up here for?" "The key!" Carolyn pointed out sharply. "What key?" Bertha asked somewhat bewildered and then when the penny had dropped, "Oh no not the kitchen back door key dear, the jumble sale. That was it, the jumble sale." "Do you mean that you've walked all the way from the village to see if we have anything for a jumble sale?" Carolyn asked in astonishment. "Oh no, I'm not collecting dear," Bertha explained brightly, "I came to tell you that we are holding our annual village jumble sale this afternoon and you're more than welcome to attend. We hold it every year, actually, sometimes three times a year." "Well thank you very much for letting us know." Carolyn replied without the slightest sign of enthusiasm. "It's quite exciting really and we always have a multitude of splendid bargains, items you wouldn't necessarily come across in the big city, I dare say." Bertha mused with beaming enthusiasm. "What, like shepherds crooks and muck spreaders." Carolyn asked facetiously. Sonia, who wasn't in the slightest bit interested in this conversation, then said, "Well, I'll be off now then, before I die of thirst. If any of the jolly Jack Tars show up, tell them I'd appreciate a lift back later." "I'll accompany you down to the village if I may," Bertha declared brightly, "And then I can show you where the church hall is, so that you can pop along to the jumble sale later." Sonia looked at Carolyn and whispered cynically, "This weekend's turning out to be one super surprise after another isn't it?" As Sonia and Bertha stepped outside, Bertha turned and called back to Carolyn, "See you later then dear." And off down the lane went the unusual pair, rotund Bertha striding out with purpose and Sonia skipping along on her high heeled sandals and as she occasionally wobbled from side to side, Sonia gave the distinct impression of being inebriated even before she'd even had the sniff of a drink.

From the bungalows veranda, Carolyn watched the comical pair make their perilous way down the rough potholed lane and said to herself contemptuously, "See you later? You'll be lucky my lady, the last thing I require is a pair of woolly bloomers and a milking stool from a blooming village jumble sale." As she walked slowly along the veranda while making sure that she didn't step onto the loose floorboard that Norman had discovered to his surprise, she took in the panoramic view of the countryside before her and in the distance beyond the hedgerow at the end of the rough field, she just made out the slender figure of Jane. And as she watched Jane make her way towards the cliff path she began to contemplate the conundrum of Jane's personality. Was she really the Miss Goody two shoes that they all believed she was? "I'm sure there is more to that woman than meets the eye." She declared maliciously, "It's strange that our husbands work for the same company and we live in the same area and yet I know almost nothing about her, but then again, we move in different circles and we don't seem to have very much in common." She then made her way slowly back into the bungalow, sat down on the old settee while continuing to think about Jane and her strange ways. She then lit a cigarette and to pass the time away, she decided to de-clutter her handbag. She always found it mystifying that no matter how many times she de-cluttered her handbag, the bag always seemed to need further de-cluttering and what was even more puzzling was that many of the objects that she was convinced that she had discarded long ago had found their way back into the handbag. The only child of a middle class couple, Carolyn had enjoyed a comfortable upbringing and being naturally intelligent, she had done exceptionally well at school and had gone on to attend university. But unfortunately she had never found a true vocation and had drifted listlessly from one uninteresting post to another. Meeting handsome smooth talking Paul had seemed to have solved many of her problems for a while, but as the marriage had progressed, they seemed to have found more pleasure in instigating provocation in one another, rather than becoming a comfortable easy going couple. Deep down she knew that she would never be happy until she found a real purpose in life, a goal to strive for, something that would demand her full attention and energy. But until that happened she would continue to spend far too much money and time on fashionable clothes and useless trivia and participate in silly unrewarding affairs and drive Paul to distraction with quick witty barbs and nasty cynical criticisms.

Her meandering thoughts were suddenly distracted by the unmistakable sound of distant grumpy mumbling and the shuffling of big feet on the gravel path. "Sounds like the jolly Jack Tars are back from their salty sea adventure." She said to herself facetiously, "But they don't sound too happy about it, I wonder what on earth has gone wrong this time?" She suddenly saw the silhouette of the three staggering figure appear in the brightly lit doorway. Between Eric and Paul she was amazed to see that Norman was being supported between them. Norman was very wet and bedraggled and once more neither Eric nor Paul could decide on who should enter the bungalow first and once more, Norman was squashed and buffeted between them. Eventually Eric managed to pop through the narrow gap first which allowed the other two to stagger in. Seeing the unexpected sight before her, Carolyn jumped to her feet and exclaimed with genuine surprise, "Good Lord! What on earths happened?" Eric, who was wearing a yellow cycling cape and a matching Sou'wester hat managed to stutter, "Er? it's Norman, he err? well he accidentally fell in. Into the sea that is." "Oh, my God." Norman croaked as he staggered forward, "I must sit down and rest. I must have swallowed gallons of that bloody salt water." Pulling away from Paul, he then allowed Eric to help him over to the settee where he gave up the fight and with unmistakable relief, he collapsed onto it. Gasping for breath, he managed to say, "It must be? ten? bloody? mile? from that? beach." And holding his plastered leg with both hands, he added, "And my? bloody leg? hurts like buggery." "What's happened to his crutches?" Carolyn asked who was completely bewildered by the bedraggled state that Norman was in, "Where are they?" "On their way to the Americas would be my guess." Paul stated matter of factly as he flicked a little dry sand off his navy blue blazer and white slacks. Then, while inspecting his white topped captain's cap he added, "The crutches went into the drink with him you see and I'm afraid that's the last we saw of them." "So you see Carolyn, Paul and I have had to act as his crutches." Eric explained with a satisfied smile, "All the way from the beach." "That's a laugh that is!" Norman barked angrily, "I've been dropped, dragged and trod on all the way back from that bloody beach and now I feel like a Quasimodo bell ringer who's gone and fallen of the church roof." "There you are Eric." Paul exclaimed while confirming an earlier observation, as he replaced his captain's cap back on his head, "I told you we'd get no thanks for our heroic efforts. We should have left him to the mermaids." Eric nodded in agreement and then turning to Norman he said kindly, "Come on then Norman, let's get you into Sonia's room and get you changed into some dry clothes. You'll feel much better once you've changed." With Eric's help, Norman struggled to his feet and once up he growled grumpily, "Well I certainly couldn't feel any worse than I feel now that's for sure, fractured leg, bruised eye, stuck fast in a bloody bucket, half drowned, trampled on and I've walked more miles in the last twenty four hours than I've walked in the last twenty years." "That's the spirit Norm, best foot forward." Eric beamed brightly as he took Normans arm and weight across his shoulders and began to shuffle towards Sonia's bedroom. "Best foot forward?" Norman snapped as he hopped on one foot, "Are you trying to be funny?" Once Eric had half carried Norman into the bedroom, he got him to sit on Sonia's bed and then he nipped back to retrieve Norman's suitcase from beside the bunk bed and called cheerily to Carolyn as he dashed back into the bedroom, "Won't be long, see you soon" and closed the door behind him.

With Norman and Eric now out of the way, Carolyn felt free to cross examine Paul in a little more detail and asked him cynically, "So, Captain Marvel, what exactly did happen out there on the beautiful briny sea?" Paul, with his hands clasped behind his back began to pace up and down the room in the manner of a court room lawyer and with a puzzled frown upon his stern face he began to explain the day's odd events; "Actually, it was all very strange." He declared. "I know Norman's been under a good deal of pressure at work lately, but one would have to say that this morning's episode was more than a trifle bizarre." "Bizarre?" Carolyn snapped with irritation, "You only went to catch a couple of fish, what on earth can be bizarre about that?" "Oh it started off normal enough my dear, but somehow it all disintegrated into what can only be described as an absolute farce." Paul explained while still frowning and pacing the room, "We rose bright and early this morning and as we strolled down to the quay, Norman was in fine form, laughing and joking and urging us on and walking quite quickly considering he was on those wooden crutches, in fact his crutches were clicking backwards and forwards like a blooming metronome in a conservatoire. I could hardly keep up with him." "I may not be very bright dear, but I fail to see anything strange about that," Carolyn pointed out, "He's been excited about this fishing trip for the past week." "Oh I haven't got to the odd part yet my dear." Paul pointed out condescendingly, "Please be patient. Well, when we reached the quay, Norman with a surprised look upon his podgy face, took one look at the boat, a thirty footer by the way, and mumbled something about, "Never capsize" or something similar. He seemed to go into a complete state of shock, you could even describe it as a trance. I've never seen anyone change so quickly, it was just as though he'd suddenly been hypnotized. Well Eric got him on board the boat and sat him down and after the old fisherman, who the vicar had sent along to explain the boats controls had gone on his way, Norman was still sitting there looking as lively as a white marble statue. Anyway Eric slowly took the boat out into the bay and we settled down and started to fish in earnest."

Then, while spreading his hands out wide he said with undisguised pride, "I caught a beauty, you should have seen it, it was enormous." "Never mind your exaggerated fantasies." Carolyn snapped with frustration, "How did Norman come to fall into the sea?" "Patience my love, I was just re-living my moment of glory. Well now we come to the episode that was strangest of all. Now although Eric had set Norman up with a rod and line, he just sat there staring into space for the whole time and not saying a word, he never even tried to catch a fish as far as I could make out, well when Eric and I had decided we'd had enough, we turned the boat and headed back towards the quay and that's when Norman suddenly came out of his coma or whatever it was. He suddenly jumped up, picked up his crutches and started to pace up and down the boat shouting "It won't work, it's too big" then Eric says "That's what I was trying to tell you, but you wouldn't listen." "What do you think it meant? Is it something to do with the business? Something important that they'd forgotten to tell Junior before they left perhaps?" Carolyn asked with a puzzled frown. "I very much doubt it," Paul replied thoughtfully, "they tend to tell Junior as little as possible. Those two like to keep their cards close to their chests. Even I have trouble getting information at times, but Eric is so easily confused, he tells me things without even knowing he has, but I don't mind admitting that this odd episode has got me completely puzzled." "So what happened next?" Carolyn asked with genuine concern. "Well this strange ritual of cryptic statements went on between them for a while and then suddenly, Norman went absolutely berserk, there's no other word for it. He stood at the bow of the boat, that's the front end by the way, and he began frantically waving his crutches about like a demented windmill and screaming at the top of his voice, "All my plans in ruins" and statements like that. Then suddenly, he slipped to one side and shot off the boat, crutches and all. And so, there he was, in the middle of the sea, bobbing about like a blooming champagne cork in a bath." "Good heavens!" Carolyn exclaimed as she put hand to her neck while visualizing the catastrophic scene. "Well, for the next ten minutes, it was sheer pandemonium," Paul explained as he demonstrated all the pulling and tugging that was involved, "There was Eric trying to haul him back on board and me behind him constantly calling out useful instructions. It was all Eric could do to lift him, what with that damn plastered leg of his. And I must say, Eric is not the easiest fellow to give instructions to, he doesn't seem to listen, time and again I told him to hook the plastered leg with the boat hook and pull that on board first. It's obvious that if you do that, the rest is bound to follow eventually isn't it." "I see, so with you in charge of the situation, poor Norman was rescued from a watery grave, is that it?" Carolyn concluded cynically while nodding her head in agreement. "That's about it. I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, but it was lucky for Norman that I was on board, for in an emergency, Eric is about as much use as a boil on the bottom, he tends to become quite hysterical and uncoordinated." "Now, if you are such a hero my love," Carolyn asked with a slight sneer, "why is it that Norman and Eric are wet through and obviously, you are not? You're as dry as a bone." "Norman is my business partner, my dear, not a blood brother." Paul answered pompously, "I don't object to poking about with a fish hook and rendering good constructive advice, but I draw the line at soiling my expensive yachting outfit for him." "So you had to calculate the risk involved before putting yourself into a perilous position," Carolyn pointed out while smiling pleasantly and then added with venom, "Just as you did last night when you went creeping about and escaping through a bedroom window." Taken aback by this unexpected attack, Paul automatically took a step backwards and frantically sought a convincing answer, but on not finding one immediately, he just stuttered, "I err? haven't the faintest idea? of err? what you're referring to my pet." Threateningly, Carolyn growled, "Don't you "My pet" me, you cunning, deceitful, slimy second rate gigolo." "Gigolo! Me?" Paul cried, as he was genuinely shocked to the core by this hurtful accusation and in his defence he declared defiantly, "I'll have you know dear lady, I have never ever been paid by a woman for my services." "Not good enough, ay?" Carolyn sneered maliciously, "Never given full satisfaction is that it?" "That's just typical that is." Paul replied desperately, while trying to turn the tables, "I risk my life rescuing your podgy fancy man from drowning and all the thanks I receive, is sarcastic abuse." "My fancy man! How dare you!" Carolyn replied angrily as she clenched her fists, "Since when has Norman King been my fancy man? Gigolo?" "Do you think that I haven't noticed you billing and cooing at Norman's pathetic innuendoes?" Carolyn quickly looked around for something to throw at him and seeing the empty mugs that were still standing on the metal tray, she grabbed one and while taking aim at him she snarled, "Why you hypocritical, two-timing, perfumed, supercilious, poser?" And she let fly. Carolyn was not only academically accomplished, but also athletically competent and her throw was straight and true and the flying mug hit Paul on the back of his head as he desperately sought a place of safety and attempted to bolt through the open doorway. With a howl of pain, he stumbled through the doorway, across the creaking veranda and fell full length onto the gravel strewn dusty path. Giddily, he scrambled to his feet and while holding the back of his head with one hand he staggered along the path that led to the cliff tops with the sound of Carolyn's voice screaming the insulting and demeaning word "Gigolo" ringing in his ears. Watching Paul stagger away while holding the back of his head, Carolyn experienced a liberating glow of satisfaction and as a parting shot she raised her voice and called after him, "Don't fall over the cliff edge, I wouldn't want you to do anything that would make me happy," and as he disappeared beyond the far off hedgerow, she picked up the thrown mug and stepped back inside the bungalow. Then, on examining the mug, she saw that it sported the bright red logo "Happy Holiday," and smiling at the irony, she decided to save the shoddy mug as a souvenir. Completely satisfied with her recent accurate baseball pitch, she made her way into her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

Sonia's bedroom door opened and Norman, now dressed in a fresh clean Hawaiian shirt and light blue baggy summer shorts appeared alongside Eric who said as he helped Norman over to the old settee, "There you are then Norm, that's better isn't it? I bet you feel like a new man."

"Oh yes, that's much better Eric," Norman stated sarcastically, as he sat down heavily and held his plastered leg firmly with both hands, "As you can see, all in all, I'm having a wonderful time." As usual, not recognizing Norman's sarcastic remark, Eric just smiled and said cheerily, "Oh good, that's the spirit." Norman shook his head with dismay and declared earnestly, "May I remind you, you stupid great prune, that we are running out of time. Monday approaches and we are still no nearer solving our problem." Mystified as usual, Eric asked, "Our problem?" Then realizing that Norman was referring to Paul's planned demise, he said brightly, "Oh, don't you worry about that now Norm, something will turn up. Just bear in mind the well known fact that accidents can happen anywhere and at any time." "That may be so little brother, but the sooner one happens to bloody Paul Smeaton and not to yours truly, so much the better."

Carolyn, having secreted her souvenir mug in her suitcase, entered the room and seeing that Norman was now freshly dressed and sitting on the settee enquired pleasantly, "Now then Norman, how are we feeling? Any better are we?" Putting on a brave face, Norman answered brightly, "Much better thank you Carolyn, it takes more than a few knocks to put a man like me off course." "That's the spirit," Carolyn answered, "don't you let a few mishaps get you down." "My philosophy to a tee." Norman replied while smiling at her with what he perceived to be his most attractive countenance. Intrigued to know exactly what the strange messages were that had passed between Norman and Eric while they were on the boat while fishing, Carolyn asked warmly, "Now Norman, tell me, what exactly happened out there while you were out there bobbing about on the briny, how did you manage to fall off the boat?" "Oh, it really was nothing at all," Norman replied nonchalantly, as he tried hard to ignore his many bruises and the throbbing pain that was pulsing throughout his fractured leg, "It was just an accidental slip on a wet pitching deck, it could have happened to anyone." Then, while casually looking around the room he added, "By the way, where's Paul, is he around?" "Oh, he went off for a walk along the cliff path;" Carolyn replied and added tartly, "looking for Jane I wouldn't wonder. She took a book with her, going to read for a while, or so she said." "Sorry, I don't quite understand," Eric frowned and enquired a little puzzled, "what else would she be doing out there?" "She could have gone to study a bit of Mother Nature," Carolyn smirked wickedly, "you know, snakes in the grass and all that sort of thing." Oblivious of her sarcasm, Eric replied brightly, "Oh yes, she's always had a soft spot for nature studies, especially birds, butterflies and creepy crawlies." "So I'm beginning to realize." Carolyn replied with a menacing frown. Norman, suddenly seeing in his minds eye, a golden opportunity to do away with Paul, painfully staggered awkwardly to his feet and said with somewhat forced enthusiasm, "Come along Eric, I think what we need is a breath of fresh air and a nice leisurely stroll along the cliff path will do us the power of good. Why, with a bit of luck, we might accidentally bump into Paul on the way." Eric, who as usual, had no notion as to what Norman was alluding to and had not cottoned on to Norman's devious plan, asked in a puzzled tone, "A stroll? Along the cliff path?" Norman, while trying once more to get his cryptic message across explained pleasantly, "Eric, I believe you need to stretch your legs and you never know, with a bit of luck we might bump into Paul. Okay! Now, go and get me that old broom out of the kitchen and I'll use that as a makeshift crutch." Carolyn, who was now thinking of the weird things that Norman had reputedly said on the boat, began to wonder if he was having a nervous breakdown and enquired with genuine concern, "Are you sure that you should go out again so soon Norman, shouldn't you perhaps have a lie down and rest for a while?" "Carolyn, I'm fine now that I've got my breath back." Norman declared brightly as his new plan of Paul's demise formed in his devious mind. "In fact, I feel on top of the world." Then, taking the old broom that Eric had brought in from the kitchen, he turned it upside down and wedged the well worn brush end under his right arm and exclaimed with an excited laugh, "Look at that then. See? Steady as a rock." Eric, while smiling pleasantly, looked at Norman and blurted out the first thing that came into his mind, "Well, well, well, you look a bit like Long John Silver!" But Norman was in no mood to accommodate any of Eric's silly utterances and replied condescendingly, "How dull life would be without your razor sharp wit Eric." Then turning to the job in hand he whispered, "Now, best foot forward and remember the old motto Eric, "All for one and one for all, let's go for a walk and let the best man fall." The two brothers stumbled awkwardly out of the bungalow, Norman because he was trying to control his makeshift crutch and Eric because he was naturally clumsy, Eric then asked Norman worriedly, "Do you really think this is wise Norm?" With a steely glare, Norman replied determinedly, "We must strike while the iron is hot Eric, this is a God given chance that we must not miss."

Carolyn stood in the doorway of the bungalow and watched in bewilderment as the two comical characters hobbled off along the path and murmured to herself while shaking her head from side to side, "Why they should all feel compelled to walk along the cliff path is beyond me, there must be something in the air." Then turning on her heels she went back inside the shabby bungalow where she retrieved her handbag from her bedroom and declared with a sudden air of inevitability, "I suppose I'd better join goby Sonia down at the village inn and we can have an intellectual discussion on the wisdom of Confucius, or failing that, we can compare our past lovers while getting absolutely sloshed." She then stepped determinedly out of the bungalow and made her precarious way down the rough claustrophobic tree lined lane towards the village and as she walked, she congratulated herself upon her accurate throwing skills and the wonderful thought of Paul now having an egg sized lump on the back of his head, cheered her up considerably.

Some time later, Jane could be seen walking slowly along the well worn path which ran through the sparsely wooded countryside and towards the shabby holiday bungalow, while Paul, who was by now extremely agitated, skipped anxiously beside her. He had been desperately trying to woo her with his usual smooth artful charm, but, as yet, he'd had very little success.

A couple of hours ago, he had found her reading her book while sitting on a small grass bank that lay back from the cliff path. From her chosen spot, she'd had a splendid view of the wide horseshoe bay stretching out from below the craggy cliff face and in the distance she could see the shimmering summer sunlight reflecting on the peaceful blue sea. She had relaxed and listened contentedly to the constant splashing of the waves upon the rocks below and the noisy gulls that swooped none stop around the cliff tops. And then, Paul had come along and annoyingly interrupted her tranquil reading session and spoilt her pleasant mood.

She had politely refrained from showing any actual annoyance with Paul and had eventually agreed to walk with him along the inland path that led them past cultivated farm fields and a windswept wild wooded copse. And now, weary and bemused by Paul's unwanted attention, she craved nothing more than to gain access to her small bedroom in the run down bungalow where she could close the door behind her and relax in a cell of quiet solitude. She was well aware that the small bedroom in the bungalow was not to be compared to five star accommodation, but at that precise moment it seemed to offer her the heavenly safe sanctuary that she craved.

Jane entered the dilapidated bungalow with a sense of elation, but on looking around, she soon realized that the whole place was deserted. Disappointingly Sonia and Carolyn had gone off somewhere and she had no idea when they would be back. She also realized that she could not now enter her small bedroom as this would send out the wrong signal to Paul and she wasn't at all confident that she could hold him off in such a confined space. "It looks as though everyone's gone out; the place seems to be quite deserted." She stated a little nervously. Paul, who had entered the bungalow right behind her, walked quickly around the place and checked that all the bedrooms were unoccupied and seeing that they were and that he and Jane were indeed all alone, he thought with anticipated pleasure, "Ha, ha, alone at last." "I wonder where they are?" Jane ventured, in an attempt to keep a small talk conversation going while playing for time, "Do you think that they could have taken the other path by any chance and have gone down to the beach?" "Who cares where they are?" Paul replied joyously, as he rubbed his hands together in lustful anticipation, "I'm happy just be alone with you my dear." Then taking up what he considered to be a poetic stance he said romantically, "I ask no more of life than, a jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou." "That reminds me," Jane replied thoughtfully, "If they've gone down to the village, I do hope that they've remembered to buy a bottle of milk." "Milk? What milk?" Paul asked a little puzzled as he stood with his right hand held out and ready to deliver his next romantic line from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khyayyam. "Milk for the tea, silly." Jane informed him while attempting to buy more time with more small talk, "I'm dying for a cup of tea with milk. I really don't know how we came to forget to purchase some yesterday at the village shop, but with one thing and another it seems that we did, just one of those silly things one does now and again I suppose, not that I mind putting up with tea without milk in an emergency, but I think most of us prefer milk in our tea and? Completely exasperated with this mundane chatter, Paul interrupted her flowing speech and asked, "Jane, have you any idea what I've been saying to you all afternoon? Have you heard a single word that I've said?" "Of course I have silly," Jane replied brightly as she stood nervously before him while holding her book with both hands close to her bosom. "Err? it was something about going on a holiday wasn't it? In some far off exotic location?" "Jane dear, I was asking you to run away with me? forever." Paul declared with obvious exasperation, "Just you and I, alone in a far off Garden of Eden." "Well there you are then," Jane replied while smiling nervously, "I knew it was something to do with going off to foreign parts." "Jane, please be serious," Paul pleaded as he craftily looked at her with a pained expression, "You're in danger of breaking my heart." "But I am being serious Paul." "No you're not Jane, your toying with me." Paul pointed out with annoyance, then taking up his poetic stance once more he declared with a false passion, "Your my heart's desire, the catalyst of my all consuming passion, without you I am but a wreck upon the sand, a boat without a rudder, without you I am a lost soul." "Oh, that's very sweet Paul." Jane answered pleasantly, but wasn't the least bit taken in by his simple patter, after all, she'd read Byron, Keats and a banned copy of The Tropic of Cancer. She then enquired flatly, "Now, as there isn't any milk for the tea, would you care for a mug of orange squash instead?" "I want you, not a blasted cold drink." Paul exclaimed angrily, "I want to be with you, night and day, forever and ever." "Well that's very kind of you Paul and I promise to give your proposal a good deal of thought." Jane replied pleasantly while slowly inching away from him. "It's my aching heart we're discussing here Jane," Paul pointed out with irritation, "Not the sale of a second hand bike." Jane, who was now beginning to worry about the way this conversation was developing suddenly stamped her foot and proclaimed sternly, "Now Paul, I think we should be adult about this and end this affair right now." "Now that would be rather difficult Jane as, as far as I can see, this affair hasn't even started yet." Paul pointed out and then, not one to give up so easily, he asked, "Surely you feel something for me? Or are you just trying to hide your true feelings to protect Eric? After all, you did accept my erotic gift that I hid in your suitcase and may I say, you looked absolutely stunning in it." "Oh, so that's where that exotic underwear came from." Jane exclaimed with genuine surprise.

Paul, having had more than enough of these silly verbal games, realized that he was running out of time and he decided to make his move, but as he slowly moved towards her, Jane, realized what he was up to and she slowly moved backwards and, defensively, she carefully kept her book and the old wooden table between them. Guessing rightly what Paul's intentions were, Jane then said as she slowly navigated the space around the old wooden table, "Now Paul, you know you mustn't." "Jane, I must have you," Paul replied vigorously, his lustful passion now showing in his animated face and his forceful voice as he continued to slowly stalk her around the old table, "I desperately want to hold you and kiss you all over." "Now don't be so ridiculous Paul," Jane stated worriedly as she desperately tried to think of a way out her tricky situation, "It's broad daylight and besides, it's very unhygienic." Frustrated by these stalling tactics, Paul decided to make a sudden lunge and grab Jane's nearest hand, but Jane, expecting such a ploy, moved just a little quicker than Paul and as he lunged, he lost his balance and went sprawling head first across the floor. Lying flat out on the wooden floor, bruised, embarrassed and somewhat deflated, he then heard Jane ask the implausible question, "It can't be, can it?" Resting his head on one hand, Paul twisted himself around and asked with obvious annoyance, "It can't be what? Not bloody milk again I hope." "Football hooligans!" Jane stated incredulously, her head cocked to one side to catch a distant sound, "It is you know, I can distinctly hear football hooligans chanting."

Paul, who was now completely disenchanted with his lustful plan, clambered awkwardly to his feet, brushed himself down and like a man waking from a weird dream, he faced the bungalows open doorway and made a conscious effort to identify the peculiar sound that fruit cake Jane was now claiming to hear. Gradually he registered the high pitched sound and identified it as two women singing "Here we go, here we go." Then, on recognizing the voices, he suddenly stood alert and cried out in astonishment, "Oh my God! Its Carolyn and Sonia? and it sound's very much as though they are well and truly sloshed." "Sloshed? At this time of the day?" Jane queried, "You must be mistaken Paul." "The time of the day has nothing to do with it," Paul stated with disgust as he attempted once more to brush the dust off his blazer and slacks, "Those two are quite capable of drinking a dray-man and his cart horse under the table before breakfast." Carolyn and Sonia, who were walking unsteadily arm in arm, finally reached the end of the rutted lane and stopped to look at the dilapidated bungalow that stood before them in all its sun drenched glory and sighed in unison. "There it is," Carolyn eventually pointed out sarcastically, "Home sweet home." "Be it ever so humble or should that be ever so crap?." Sonia added with a sardonic smile. "Once more unto the breach, dear friend," Carolyn cried, while holding up a gruesome looking African ornament in one hand, "Or close the wall with English drunks." "Forward!" Sonia then cried and waved the Zulu shield that she'd acquired at the village jumble sale in the air triumphantly. They then staggered unsteadily towards the bungalow and once more they began singing with gusto, "Here we go, here we go." Having tripped up the veranda step, they laughed loudly and proceeded on to the open doorway where they sniggered and chortled and eventually staggered into the bungalow. While rocking backwards and forewords in helpless laughter they suddenly became aware of Paul's indignant voice asking them an incoherent question. They stopped laughing, looked at Paul through hazy intoxicated eyes and Carolyn enquired slowly, "Sorry, my dear chap, but were you addressing your inane question to us?" "I said," Paul replied with obvious exasperation, "What the hell are you playing at? Do you have any idea what you look like?" Sonia turned to Carolyn and asked, while pointing at Paul with the Zulu shield that she was holding, "Carolyn, who is that nasty man? Have we been introduced?" "That my dear is what is known as a randy love bird," Carolyn informed Sonia seriously, "One that has the ability to fly silently through bedroom windows in the middle of the night." "Carolyn!" Paul cried out indignantly, "You're drunk!" "And you my dear, are nothing more than a skunk," Carolyn replied with angry venom, "A low down conniving, hypocritical, lying two faced sex mad skunk." "Carolyn!" Paul demanded; as he attempted to take control of the embarrassing situation "For heavens sake, pull yourself together." Completely ignoring Paul's complaints, Carolyn then turned towards Jane and asked her pleasantly, "Do you think he's a low down gutter rat my dear? No, of course you don't. And do you know why you don't? It's because you don't know him as well as I do. You are not yet aware of his infantile obsession with the conquest of pretty women, his constant conniving, lying and cheating, are you? And why does he do it you might ask? Why does he have this stupid compulsion? Well I'll tell you why he does it, it's all for an image my dear, he sees himself as a great lover, a Don Juan, a Casanova, but I tell you now, it's all fake, its just a glossy fa?ade, an illusion. He's just a hollow cardboard twat!" "Have you gone raving mad?" Paul cried disgustedly, "And what on earth is that preposterous object that you're carrying?" Carolyn held up the gruesome looking African ornament and, as though seeing it for the first time she replied "What this thing? Well for your information, lover boy, Sonia and I have been out on the town, or should that be out on the village? Anyway, we've been celebrating, haven't we dear? We've been celebrating the emanc? the emancipation of women, isn't that right Sonia?" "That's right," Sonia agreed as she held up her Zulu shield in a mock salute, "We've been cele?bat?celebating? doing just what Carolyn said." "But where on earth have those peculiar objects come from," Paul demanded to know as he feared the worst; "You haven't stolen them have you?" Sonia looked at her Zulu shield with a puzzled expression and then looking at Paul she explained, "These items are not stolen Paul, we've paid good money for these and we've been reliably informed that they are, "A once in a lifetime bargains." "Well that's what Henry told us," Carolyn confirmed while tittering like a silly school girl, "Henry's my husband you know." Then turning to Sonia she said, "Now that can't be right can it?" Then turning to Paul she said, "Well he's somebody's husband anyway and being a man of the cloth, he can be relied upon to tell the truth." "And if Henry says they're bargains, bargains they are." Sonia confirmed as she slapped the shield with her right hand, "We wouldn't want to question the word of a bloke from the church, would we? Even if he is a bit loopy and we can't understand a word he says." Carolyn gave the gruesome looking African object another distasteful look and then she placed it on the wooden table and looking at Sonia, she enquired, "Do you think that that's the right way up?" "I've no idea love, but does it really matter?" Sonia replied as she shook her head from side to side, "It would look just as ugly no matter which way you put it." "But where did they come from?" Paul asked with mounting exasperation, "You haven't been doing anything naughty in a museum have you?" "Not for a long time my dear." Carolyn replied while winking cheekily at Sonia. "No, you silly Billy," Sonia explained to Paul, "We've been to a jumble sale." "A jumble sale?" Mystified by this unexpected information, Paul asked, "What are you talking about? What jumble sale?" "The village jumble sale, stupid!" Carolyn stated with annoyance, "The highlight of the village's social calendar. All the best people in the county are invited, the toffy nosed landed gentry, the posh gentlemen farmers, the craggy faced smock attired shepherds, the pretty milk maids all in a row and even the gap toothed straw chomping yokels." "The vicars wife invited us and we just couldn't resist," Sonia explained, "Well it's not every day one gets a chance to rub shoulders with the landed gentry is it?" Jane, who hadn't said a word since Carolyn and Sonia had appeared, suddenly said with genuine interest, "I wonder where these interesting objects came from? Perhaps they came from an African explorer's collection?" Carolyn, who was intoxicated and still a little suspicious of how much Jane's involvement with Paul was, then stated nastily, "Ha, ha, the hussy speaks. And now that she has found her voice, perhaps she will explain what she was doing with my husband in the middle of the night dressed like Salome." "Carolyn!" Paul cried out indignantly, "How dare you speak to Jane like that, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." "I, ought to be ashamed of myself!" Carolyn roared as she pointed a warning finger at him, "That's bloody rich coming from you, you poncy puffed up gigolo."

But before Paul could answer this latest insult, they all suddenly became aware that someone was approaching the bungalow. They all turned and faced the open doorway and saw that it was Norman and Eric who were slowly making their way back to the bungalow. It was now well into late afternoon and as the sun was making its way towards the Western horizon, the two forlorn figures were silhouetted against the bright background light. Much to their surprise, Norman was bellowing in the manner of a wounded buffalo. His bright Hawaiian shirt was torn to shreds and he seemed to be covered from head to foot in a layer of dust and an abundance of red raw scratches and abrasions. As he was unable to walk properly on his own, his stability was obviously askew and he was being supported by poor Eric who was sweating profusely and staggering under Norman's considerable weight.

The four occupants in the bungalow looked on in wonder at the tragic scene being played out before them. They saw that heroic Eric and exhausted Norman were struggling to reach the bungalows veranda while taking one small painful staggered step at a time. Their shuffling feet kicked up small swirls of dust from the dry path and eventually, Sonia was moved to say with genuine tenderness, "It reminds one of a tragic scene from one of those old propaganda black and white war films doesn't it? Only Two Came Home." "All that's missing is a dramatic orchestral background of Land of Hope and Glory." Carolyn added sarcastically. On reaching the veranda step, Eric, who was now gasping for breath and ready to collapse, struggled to lift Norman up sufficiently so that he could place his good foot onto the veranda and take some of his weight off his shoulders. The four spectators continued to look on in mesmerised bewilderment and then Jane, stating the obvious, eventually pointed out sympathetically, "Oh dear, it looks very much as though Norman as hurt himself again." After a moment's rest, the two dishevelled figures, who were breathing heavily and red in the face, made it into the bungalows interior and sighed with genuine relief. Sonia, who like the others, was curious to know what had happened, immediately asked, "What was it this time Eric? An earthquake or a low flying aircraft?" Unable to recognize Sonia's obvious sarcasm, Eric gasped, "Actually Sonia, his broom broke, and well, he just fell over the cliff edge didn't he. One minute he was standing there balling at me and the next? well, there he was? gone." "His broom?" Sonia questioned a little puzzled, "What on earth was he doing with a bloody broom on a cliff path, surely he wasn't sweeping it?" "Oh no," Eric explained, while smiling at the thought of Norman sweeping a cliff path, "No nothing like that, he was using it as a crutch you see and? well, it just snapped in half and over the cliff edge he went." Laughing loudly, Sonia eventually spluttered, "You haven't captured it on film by any chance have you? We could make a few quid with a film like that." Then turning to Carolyn she added, "You know, this weekend break is turning out to be better than the bloody rubbish that they put on the telly."

Norman, who was still being supported by Eric, put his left hand up to his sweaty bruised forehead and growled angrily through gritted teeth, "Don't mention breaks to me women, I'm up to here with bloody breaks, I'm bruised and battered all over. Even my bloody eyelids hurt and all you can do, is stand there and bloody well laugh." "Well you must admit old chap," Paul piped up smugly, "It is rather funny how these mishaps keep happening to you." "Funny!" Norman snapped back, his face turning as dark as a thunder cloud, "So, you think its funny do you? Well let me tell you, Mister Paul snotty nose Smeaton, I do not find anything funny about this situation at all and I am just about at the end of my bloody tether." "Well it's your own fault," Sonia pointed out with her usual lack of diplomatic tact, "If you hadn't been so bloody stingy, we could have been booked into a nice hotel instead of this bleeding hovel and you wouldn't be standing there looking like a storm swept scarecrow." On hearing this accurate, but insulting description, all except Norman burst out laughing, which of course did not help Norman's already strained demeanour and much like a volcano under immense pressure, he suddenly exploded. Crimson in the face, he pushed Eric roughly to one side and with a loud primeval animal roar, he dashed at Paul and grabbed him around the throat with both hands and proceeded to strangle him. "Laugh at me would you!" Norman bellowed with anger and then added, "It's all your fault, you poncy tailors dummy, why couldn't you die like any normal man, but it's not too late, its not to late, there's still time!" Seeing that Paul was jumping about like a rag doll in a pit bulls mouth and gagging for breath as Norman's hands choked the life out of him, Carolyn and Sonia realized that they needed to do something quickly. Carolyn grabbed Paul around the waist with both arms and attempted to pull him away from Norman while Sonia did the same with Norman, but too little effect. During the frantic struggle, Paul, his face turning bright red, managed to gulp a breath and cried out intermittently, "Help!... Ug? Hur? He's gone? Err? Loopy." "Norman!" Carolyn screamed with genuine panic, "What are you doing?" "I'm making you into a widow." Norman growled through gritted teeth and then added, "You'll look very fetching dressed in black." With her arms now around Norman's neck and pulling like mad, Sonia screamed, "Leave him alone you stupid big bully!" While being pulled this way and that, Paul just managed to squeak, "Gurgle? gurgle." But not much else and certainly nothing that made any sense. "You won't escape this time." Norman growled as he squeezed his hands even harder on Paul's throat. "This death could turn out to be the best thing that you've ever done in your whole miserable life, grrr?" Realizing that her energetic efforts in trying to pull Norman away from Paul were having little effect, Sonia turned her head and screamed, "Eric! For Gods sake, come and help! He's gone raving mad!" On hearing this call for Eric's help, Norman slightly loosened his grip on Paul's neck and cried out sarcastically, "What? Him? He's no bloody help, if it wasn't for his bungling, Mister Paul bloody Smeaton here, would be as dead as a bloody door nail by now and all our troubles would have been over." With that said, he then renewed his energetic efforts to strangle Paul and added, "But it's not too late, there's still time."

Jane, who was standing by and nonchalantly studying the odd scene that was unfolding before her had little concern for the two silly combatants, but the incident did bring to mind that she had read somewhere, that homo sapiens had a built in blood lust as well as a sexual one, but on hearing Norman's strange statement, she suddenly returned to the present and turning to Eric she asked questioningly, "What on earth does he mean Eric, "If it wasn't for your bungling, Paul would already be dead?" Eric, who was just about to respond to Sonia's urgent command to help, froze in mid-flight and answered weakly, "Oh, err? nothing dear." With her fists firmly fixed upon her hips, Jane glared at Eric and stated firmly, "Come on, out with it, or there will be no more Saturday-night treats for you my lad." Eric desperately tried to think of some sort of logical excuse that would get him off the hook, but being Eric, he found that nothing that came to mind made any sense, so he just blurted out, "I? I haven't done anything dear, it's him, he's mad. He's been trying to murder Paul all weekend." Then realizing that he'd blurted out a little too much information, he whimpered, "Oh dear, I shouldn't have said that should I, it's supposed to be a secret." Startled by Eric's revealing confession, Jane asked questioningly, "Do you mean to say that Norman has been trying to murder Paul and that you have been actively helping him to do it?" On hearing this version of the facts, Norman once more loosened his grip on Paul's neck and after laughing out loudly, he yelled, "Helping me! That's a bloody laugh that is. With a little more of that bloody moron's help, I'd be the one kicking up the daisy's." He then returned to the job in hand and tightened his grip on Paul's throat once more while Sonia and Carolyn continued to try and pull them apart. Eric, cringing and trying to distance himself from any blame whimpered, "I had no choice dear, I had to help, the company's bankrupt. I'd be out of a job. Think of what your mother would say." "The company's not finished yet," Norman yelled, "There's still time." "I was doing it for you and your mother dear." Eric pleaded apologetically. "Don't you try and involve me and mother in your sordid murderous schemes," Jane replied angrily, "You? you? would be assassin!"

With a super human effort, Sonia and Carolyn finally wrenched manic Norman and gasping Paul apart and each pair flew to opposite sides of the room. Sonia was the first to recover and grabbing Norman by what was left of his shirt collar demanded to know, "Is that true, you great brute, you've been trying to murder Paul all weekend?" Then realizing what had happened in the last two days she cried, "Oh my God! That car accident! It wasn't an accident at all was it? It was planned, it was meant to kill Paul. But hang on a bit, that doesn't make sense, you were in the bloody car with me?" Between rasping gasps, Norman explained, "I wasn't responsible for that blunder woman. That was the consequence of one of Eric's brilliant brainwaves." "My new summer dress was ruined in that filthy pigs swill because of your stupid schemes." Sonia pointed out accusingly, "That is unforgivable." Now comforting Paul, all previous accusations forgotten for the moment, Carolyn said to him comfortingly, "There, there, has the nasty man hurt you?" Gasping for breath and holding his sore neck with both hands and looking extremely dazed, Paul moaned, "Oh my neck, I'm all bruised, I must look absolutely awful." And then, feeling vulnerable, but loved once more, he slid to the floor in a semi faint and dragged Carolyn down with him. Meanwhile Eric was still trying to pacify Jane with a plea of, "Please let me explain dear." But Jane's response was simply, "Go away? you barbarous butcher." Then, feeling that words were not enough to indicate how incensed she felt, she grabbed hold of the Zulu shield that Sonia had put to one side and hit Eric a hearty blow upon his head with it. Eric, with his eyes rolling around in his dazed head, staggered and grabbed hold of Jane's shoulders for support and slid to the floor, pulling her down with him. Sonia, wishing to express her own anger and frustration with how she had been manipulated over this weekend by who she now considered to be a conniving lying monster, grabbed the gruesome looking African ornament off the table and hit Norman on the head with it. Semi dazed from the heavy blow, Norman staggered around in a circle and seeing the others writhing on the floor, he began to wonder just how his well thought out plan had come to this.

At that precise moment, Bertha, the vicar's wife, came bounding through the bungalows open doorway in all her Harris Tweed glory and seeing before her the two couples lying heaped together on the floor and moaning, she cried out excitedly, "I say you chaps, is this an orgy? One reads about such things in the Sunday newspapers, but one never seems to get invited." On suddenly hearing Bertha's booming voice ringing in their ears, the two prostrate couples, who were slightly embarrassed to be found in such an uncompromising position, slowly struggled to their feet and began to brush themselves down. Carolyn was the first to find her voice and as calmly as she was able asked, "Err? I'm sorry, but is there something that you wanted? Is it that African thingy-me-jig that your after? Because I don't believe anyone here would object to you taking it away." "Who, me dear?" Bertha replied, a little puzzled at the question, but searching through her handbag at the same time, she said, "Oh no not me, you don't understand my dear, I don't require anything, I've brought you something, a telephone message actually. Now where the deuce did I put the damn thing?" Sensing that a telephone message arriving out there in the middle of nowhere would inevitably be bad news, Sonia, put a hand up to her mouth and cried out worriedly, "A telephone message for us? Oh my god, who is it from?" "Just a minute dear," Bertha replied as she carried on searching her cavernous handbag, "I know that I put it in here somewhere. Right, what have we got, couple of conker's, catapult, flick knife, took those off one of the girl guides don't you know." "For heaven's sake!" Sonia cried out impatiently, "Who's the message from?" While still searching her handbag, Bertha replied, "I do believe he said his name was Junior. Strange name don't you think?" Hysterically, Sonia screamed, "Junior! Oh good Lord, what's happened? Oh my poor boy, he's had an accident! He's been run over! He's been involved in a car crash! Carolyn, while putting a comforting arm around Sonia's shoulders said calmingly, "Sonia, If junior had been involved a nasty accident, he'd hardly be the one sending the message would he?" Seeing the sense of this statement, but not wholly convinced, Sonia whimpered, "Oh, I don't know, I'm all of a doo-dah." Beaming with pleasure whilst holding up a piece of note paper, Bertha cried out, "There! Found it! I knew it was in here somewhere" Then offering it to Sonia while beaming brightly, she said, "Would you care to do the honour's dear?" "Oh no, not me," Sonia replied while shrinking back from the offered piece of paper, "I hate surprises, they're always bad luck." Norman, who was still a little groggy and rubbing the throbbing lump on his sore head, stepped forward and irritably snapped, "Here! Let me have the bloody thing." He then snatched the piece of note paper out of Bertha's hand and growled, "If it's from Junior, it won't be good news, that's for sure, but it can't be anything worse than what's already happened." Still rubbing the top of his sore head, he held the piece of paper in front of him and slowly he read the message to himself, then spluttering, he cried out angrily, "Why the? thieving little? I don't believe it!" He then seemed to slowly slip into an unreal hypnotic state and then, while looking up with unseeing glassy eyes, he murmured with an air of profound defeat, "It? was? all? for? nothing." Absent-mindedly, Norman then let the piece of note paper slip from his hand where it fluttered slowly to the floor. "Norman?" Carolyn cried out angrily, "Don't just stand there looking like a zombie, tell us what the message is." But Norman was oblivious to her request as his mind was now beginning to contemplate other far off consequences that the note had set in motion. Seeing that Norman had no intention of telling them what the message was, Eric stepped forward and picked up the piece of paper and began to read it. "It's from Junior alright." Eric declared while smiling pleasantly. "Oh my God, what is it?" Sonia asked worriedly, "Has he been kidnapped? Do they want a ransom?" "Well no, it's nothing like that," Eric replied slowly as he began to read and digest the message, "He says, "By the time you read this, I will be in Spain." "Spain?" Sonia asked, who was completely puzzled by this unexpected information, "What's he doing there? We don't know anyone in Spain?" "You'll never believe it." Eric exclaimed, as he continued to read the message. "Never believe what?" Paul asked with obvious irritation, as he continued to massage his sore neck, "For heaven's sake Eric, do get on with it." Eric, looking up from the piece of note paper declared brightly, "He says, he's sold everything, all the stock and all the tools." "What stock?" Paul croaked, "Do you mean our stock, all those bits of electrical things in the storeroom?" "Well yes," Eric confirmed with a chuckle, "And all the telly's and fridges in the showroom and he's withdrawn all the cash from bank, and? you're not going to believe this." "I don't want to," Norman moaned dismally and then added with a passionate outburst, "The little conniving bastard!" "Believe what?" Sonia asked who was completely baffled by this odd news, as it wasn't at all what she was expecting. "He's run off with it," Eric explained brightly, "Done a bunk? skedaddled? gone." Digesting this unexpected information, Paul suddenly stopped massaging his neck and gasped, "That means we're broke. I'm mortgaged up to the hilt. My car! They'll re-possess my car! I'll have to travel about on a bus." "But surly all the stocks insured?" Carolyn pointed out logically. "Afraid not," Norman explained while shaking his head and pointing an accusing finger at Paul, "I put all the insurance on him." "Does that mean, the company's finished then?" Carolyn questioned. "That's about the size of it." Eric confirmed with a smile, "I knew there was more to Junior than met the eye." Then looking at Norman, he added with a knowing nod of his head, "I told you he was brighter than you gave him credit for." Oblivious of Eric's wry comments and looking completely glazed, Norman muttered, "I'll be drummed out of the golf club? I'll have to take the badge off my blazer." "Well Eric," Jane declared calmly after digesting the devastating news, "We will just have to sell up, move to Grantham and live with mother for a while." "That's a bit drastic, isn't it dear?" Eric replied gloomily, but before he could say another word, Jane held up a warning finger and said, "Mother's not as bad as you think she is." To which Eric replied lamely, "Yes dear." But, with the image of his poor downtrodden father-in-law filling his mind, he decidedly disagreed, but decided that at this precise moment, submission was the better part of valour. Carolyn then turned to face Paul and pointed out cynically, "I suppose this means that I will have to find employment and go back to work to support you, you pimp."

Completely lost in a world of her own, Sonia said to herself worriedly, "Poor Junior, all on his own in Spain, I do hope he's remembered to put on clean underwear." Then seeing that the others were looking at her in disbelief, she added, "Well you never know when you are going to have an accident do you?" Realizing that his dreams of success had been totally destroyed for the time being, Paul stood statuesque and depressed for a moment, but then unusual angry thoughts began to fester and swirl around his bemused mind and suddenly, he lunged at Norman and grabbed him around the throat with both hands. He squeezed as hard as he could while at the same time yelling, "This is all you're doing, it's all your fault, you uncouth blasted pig headed megalomaniac!" Once again Carolyn and Sonia jumped to the rescue; Carolyn began pulling Paul to and fro and Sonia began doing the same with Norman.

Meanwhile, Jane and Bertha made their way slowly out of the bungalow where they paused on the shaky veranda and gazed at the glorious sunset. They then began to discuss the merits of growing one's own vegetables and which varieties that they considered were the best and Eric, oblivious to all, perused Juniors telephoned message once more and in a reflective mood announced happily to no one in particular, "Perhaps we could all go to Spain for a holiday next year."

The End