The sun does not illuminate the field where I stand. The chill of the cold February breeze weakens my every bone. The smell of every blossoming flower is like venom that anesthetized my body. The dark gray sky, the loneliness of the lake...it all adds up to my lament. The feeling of melancholy gradually consumes my totality, especially when I think of the memories I had in this place...on this very spot. I stand here near a paved area at the foot of the mahogany tree. This tree in the middle of this field of yellow buttercups and asters, after all these years, has been standing strong. How old it is? That I don`t know. I am no scientist to figure it out but one thing is for sure, it is old, very old. This mahogany tree has been here even before I was born. This tree witnessed stories of love, lost, friendship. It has been tested by time yet it remained on its roots, able to give comfort to those who seek it, especially forlorn souls.
I spent my childhood in this field, enjoying the joys of my youth and innocence. Also, I met the guy I called best friend here. We used to run around the mahogany tree, trying to capture each other as we play catch. And we will laugh after chasing each other and lay flat on the grassy floor of the field. Then we will pretend that we are in our own fairytale — that I am his princess and he is my prince and this field is ours. We will act as if this field is our own palace and I`ll crown myself with woven asters and he will get some piece of wood and pretend that it`s the mighty sword he will use in slaying the dragon that would hurt me, as the red cloth he assumes as his cape flutters at his back. But we don`t remain as kids. Everyone knows it for a fact. And so from little kids, we became young teens. And as our bodies changed, so were our habits. We quitted pretending that we were royalties — that he was a prince and I am a princess. All of our childhood acts became a part of our faraway fairytales. But though we became teens and stopped pretending to be lead stars in fairy stories, I realized that he was suddenly becoming a prince — my prince charming. I don`t know when it began but all I know is that I am already feeling something special for him. And no, it`s not just a feeling you have for a childhood friend. It is something more than that.
He remained lanky growing up but he became a very handsome and charming man, very suited for a prince clad in shining armor. He resembled Korean actor Jun In Sung so much. He also became a very intelligent guy, very far from his stupid image when we were still grade-schoolers. And he became good in drawing. No more stick drawings for him. Every strike of his pencil on his sketch pad seems to give life to an image. And his every work of art would be like a reality, captured.
We grew up and left our childhood acts behind but never did we forget this place. We always visit this spot after class and during the weekends and we will sit beside each other at the foot of the mahogany tree. From his bag, he will pull out his sketch pad and he will draw the trees, the buttercups, and the lake just beyond this field. He will draw of the sunset, of the birds flying across the crimson sky, and of the field, like he never gets tired of sketching the scenic view of the fields. But one day, something went different. He was absent from class that day. Seeing no one sitting on his desk made my day so incomplete. After class, I rushed to their house but his mother told me that he isn`t home. I got worried a bit but I went on my way assured that there is only a place where I will find him - under the mahogany tree.
I walked speedily, my heart filled with anticipation of seeing my prince. But at the back of my mind, I was wondering why he didn`t show up in class that time. He is one of the smartest in class and one of the most religious in attending classes and for him, to miss class? It`s so not him. I am sure there is something that I should know. But how will I ask him to tell me the things that bothers him without acting like her mom or even worst, acting like his girlfriend?
Girlfriend?
Girlfriend.
How I wish I could be that girl because that is also what I want to be in his life. When I arrived there, I saw him standing at the foot of the mahogany tree. He was looking blankly at the setting sun. Its luminous rays served him tranquility. I walked slowly to approach him, my eyes glued on his desirable beauty. I stood near him and we both looked at the crimson sky. I glanced at him and I contemplated on his gorgeousness. He looked at me and smiled then we both sat down on our usual spot. He took his sketch pad and opened it to a certain page. He showed to me a sketch that made me entirely confused.
"What do you mean by this?" I asked him as he showed to me a portrait of a boy and a girl standing beside a mahogany tree while holding hands, both looking at the lake.I was wishing that I could be that girl in his drawing and the boy is he and we would be holding hands while watching the romantic sunset. But what is he trying to tell me upon showing this? Maybe this could be the moment when he would tell me that what I feel for him is reciprocated and that he feels the same way that I do. I was thinking that that moment would be the day that he would confess to me that he likes me. I was thinking that it will be the moment when my dreams will come true. I was silently praying, my heart silently wishing as I waited for his reply. "One day, I will bring the girl I`ll love for the rest of my life here. I will hold her hand as we both contemplate the beauty of the lake and we will sit beside each other under this tree and make the most of what we have." I felt like my whole world stumbled down. How could this man be so insensitive? We`re very close to each other but how can`t this man hear my heart beat for him? Can`t he hear my heart shouting his name? Can`t he see through my eyes that he is the only one that I`ll love and that no one in this world could replace his place in my heart? Can`t he see that, all this time, I am still praying that our fairy tales will come true and that he could be my prince and me, his princess? Isn`t he aware that hearing those words shattered my heart into pieces?
I remained silent for a moment while I faced the lake, trying to conceal the pain and holding back the tears that are about to flow. For a moment, I wanted to smile but cannot afford to because my smile will add to the pain. But if I won`t, then he might see that I am hurting. I don`t want him to see the feelings that I was trying to suppress! And so I tried to gain my composure and said some silly words. "And that girl will be very happy," I said while faking a smile. Did I actually say that? Did I actually utter the other way of saying I surrender? If those words mean that way, then it is going to be that way. Why fight when I am evidently at the losing end? There are a lot of fishes in the sea, right? Yeah right, but when will I see a fish as precious as this? We remained silent and our eyes focused at the sunset. I was trying to comprehend what is really going on. I was certainly hoping that I could read his thoughts so that my questions will be answered but I am no psychic. So all I have to do is to wait for the perfect moment when the monotony would cease and he can freely tell me what was going on. We watched the sun set slowly...majestically until the sky grew darker and the first star revealed its gleam."Hey look, it`s the first star!" I exclaimed as I saw the first star. I always feel giddy whenever I see the first star that shines every night because I always look forward in making wishes as I chant that "Star light, star bright" stuff. "Do you know anything about first stars?" I asked him. He looked at me with a puzzled yet undeniably charming look.
"No" was his simple reply.
"Why? What is with those twinkling stuff?" he asked me. He really was unaware about the concerning first stars. I was happy hearing him having some interest on this kind of kiddy-slash-ultra-girly things. "Well, they say that when you make a wish on the first star of the night, your wish will come true." "Oh, really? Have you tried doing one?" he asked me. I was smiling deep inside as he made fun of me believing those stories."I don`t know since I haven`t dared myself to make a wish," I replied. He laughed so loud
like I said the most stupid thing ever. But despite him laughing on my statement, I honestly loved listening to his laughter. It seemed like the best music I could ever hear."What is wrong with what I said?" He was still laughing with my answer."You believe those things but you haven`t tried making a wish. How funny is that?" I tried pondering on his statement. Yes, it was really funny for me to believe when in fact I haven`t tried making wishes. I was just looking forward on making wishes but when the time comes, I lose the guts of making one. For me, it was just one kiddy myth.
"Well then," he said, "let us make a wish so that we can try it out." Did I hear it right? Is this something in the movies or is this fantasy brought to life? I looked at him with a smile like it was the most heavenly moment any girl could have in her entire lifetime. "Sure!" Then we chanted and silently uttered our wishes. And yeah, I wished that we can stay this way forever and that one day, I can be the girl that he`ll bring here, and we`ll re-enact what he drew. After I made my wish, I opened my eyes and took a glance of him. He was still making his wishes with both eyes closed. I became mesmerized by his ethereal beauty. That pointed nose of him and his clear skin, his dimples, his everything. He was a picture of perfection, of a flawless creation. It feels so divine staring at him that way. I stared at him with my mind completely blown away that I didn`t notice that he already opened his eyes. When I regained my mental state, all I can do was blush. He simply laughed quietly when my face flushed. "You might be so blown away by my charm," he joked. "You feeler!" I gave him a hard blow at the back. "Ouch! You must be Goliath, huh?" he said while rubbing the slapped part of his arm. "How could a girl as thin as you hit like that." We simply laughed our heads but after a while, the laughter was replaced by a very deafening silence. Dead air! The silence grew louder and louder that I have to make the first move to break the ice.
"What did you wish?" I asked him.
"Me? I wish that you will never forget me."
"Forget you?
This loser?" I said comically while trying to decrease the tension that was arising with that baffling reply.
"Forget? Are you crazy? You`re kidding me right?" I chuckled but his face remained serious. He was serious with what he said. But why will he ask me to not forget him?
"Hey! Tell me, why are you worrying about me forgetting you?" I asked.
"We`ll be migrating to America by next week," he confided.
"What?!?"
He simply nodded. I wasn`t expecting to hear those words. "Why are you leaving? And...and...and why so fast? I mean, why not finish the school year first?" I asked, stuttering.
"I told my mom about that, too but everything is set for us." It was torture to hear him say
the words of goodbye. It is very heart-breaking to know that he is leaving and may never come back.I was sure he was able to read the thoughts playing in my head when he told me that he will be back soon. But when will he come back? When is that soon? After a year or two? A decade? When our hairs turn gray? When is that soon? And to quote my friend, "Soon will never be soon for those who wait".
"Promise me that you will never forget me."
Tears fell down my eyes upon hearing those words. When he saw my tears racing to my cheeks, he wiped my tears away and gave me a hug.
"Promise me that you will never forget me...," he whispered, "...cause I will never forget you." I wept like a child on his shoulders as I promised that I will always remember him wherever he may be.
A week passed and he left for the US. When he left, I was standing here, telling myself that I will wait for him here. When he left, I swore that I will be here when he come back. I sent him e-mails everyday so that even though he is miles away from me, he is still updated with what is happening with my life. But never did I receive a reply. Weeks passed by. Months left behind. Years came but I never heard anything about him. I gave up the single speck of hope that I have. I surrendered the thought that he will be coming back for me and all my fantasies that I will be the girl in his portrait. With all those hot fair-skinned vamps, he must have found the girl that will give him love and the thing that will make his manhood in full bloom. I should have accepted that fact long ago.
Seven years passed. I was sitting on the front porch when I saw my friend Carlene rushing to our house. She was panting when she reached the place where I was. I saw in her face that she has something very important to say and so I asked why she was in a rush going here while she gasp for her breath. "Don`t you know? He just arrived," she announced.
"Arrived? Who arrived?" I asked. I never had any idea of the news.
"You don`t know? My god! He just arrived. He came back Jenny! Bryan came back!" Carlene was so enthusiastic telling me the news while I was nailed in disbelief.
He came back!
I rushed immediately towards their house riding my pink bicycle. When I arrived there, I saw him standing by the door. My heart was filled with warmth and happiness. He was now a prince. His once lanky body somehow improved. His boy-next-door look transformed into someone like a debonair who is ready to steal any girl`s heart. But one thing did not change. It was his smile and when he saw me and greeted me with it, I couldn`t help but shed some tears and run to him. I gave him a very tight embrace. I held him tightly that he may feel the longing that I felt after those years. I wanted him to feel that I desired to hug him that tight.
"Stop crying little princess," she said while messing up my hair. He wiped my tears like he did so many years before.
"You missed me, huh? I know you missed me a lot."
I gave him a slap on his left arm like I always did.
"Ouch! You are still Goliath, little girl."
"I missed you," I finally said. "I missed you so much."
"So do I," he replied.
He gave a little hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was smitten by that stolen kiss. It was my first kiss, the first kiss I received form a guy aside\ from my father. I was about to beat him for the second time when I heard a girl`s voice calling his name. When we looked back, I saw a very sexy blonde, most probably of American descent coming near us. I was surprised when he gave the white chick a kiss on the cheeks.
"By the way, Jenny, I would like you to meet Nicollete," he said to me.
"Nicollete, this is my best friend, Jenny."
Nicolette gave me a very warm smile and offered me a hand shake.
"Nice meeting you, Jenny," she said.
I shook her hand and we both exchange smiles.
"You know what, Bryan has been talking a lot about you." He smiled as his cheeks turned red.
"You spilled some beans, babe. You make her so flattered," he joked.
"Babe?" I asked after hearing him call Nicolette babe.
"Oh, I forgot. I am his girlfriend," Nicolette affirmed. "Actually, were getting married."
My whole world stumbled upon hearing those words. He is getting married. He will never be mine...forever. At that moment, I wanted to burst into tears for I waited so long
just to hear this announcement. I waited so that I could — or he could — break my heart.
"Jen lets get inside the house. Mom wants to see you," Bryan offered. I refused and hurriedly went home.
I immediately rushed to my room upon arriving at our house. I jumped to my bed and cried the tears that I kept minutes ago. I cried like I never cried before. I cried my heart out. I want to cry out all the love so when my tears run dry, there would be no love left for him and that I could start anew. I cried all the pain, the frustration, the sorrow. I drowned my heart with the tears it cried.
After that day, I started avoiding him. This is my way of moving on. If I haven`t learned the art of letting go before, then I`ll learn it now. It`s never too late for me to start one more. My heart may be broken but I know, someday, it`s going to be fixed again. I`ll learn to love like I never loved before. And when that time comes, I`ll give it my all. But for now, I have to endure the brokenness of my heart.
One day, I went to the place I used to believe was ours. I am sure that now, it is going to Nicolette`s place. And so, I went there to formally say goodbye to the place that witnessed the happiness of falling love. But now, it`ll witness another loss and solitude. I walked slowly towards the middle of the field where the mahogany stands. I walked with while the flash backs in my head drives me into tears. While I walk, it seems that I can see myself playing with him when I was still young. I burst into tears thinking of how I loved and lost.
When I arrived at the foot at the tree, I sat down and wept. I cried like a child who was laughed at by her playmates after falling flat on the ground. I cried like a child who had her doll broken by a bully on the playground. In my seclusion, I released my pain. In the midst of nature, I felt the feeling that somebody is consoling my shattering heart. I said my last goodbye to the place that accompanied me in waiting for him. I said farewell to the place that reminded me to hold on to his promise of return. I said my adieu to the place that comforted me when I wept because I loved. I stood up and when I when I turned my back to go, I saw him.
How long has he been there?
Have he heard all my weeping?
"I went to your house but your mother told me you were not there so I went here, thinking that you are here," he said. His stare was unbearable. His eyes conveyed an expression of pity and longing.
"Can we talk? I haven`t heard of you since I came back."
"I am sorry, Bryan but I have to go. It`s getting dark. Besides, I am quite busy." I walked fast but he stopped me by holding me by the hand.
"Are you avoiding me?" he asked.
His hold was firm and authoritative, imposing that I have no choice but to talk to him. I struggled so that I can be released from his grip but the more I twist, the firmer was his clench.
"Let me go!" I demanded.
"I won`t let you go unless you talk to me."
His eyes were with fierce and serious.
"Tell me, why are you avoiding me? I thought you were happy seeing me again? I thought you missed me? If you do then why are you avoiding me?" he asked.
"Hell do you care !?!" I shouted. "You don`t care about my life! And you are in no authority to ask me if I avoid you because I am not your girlfriend! So, if you may let go of me and go back to your girlfriend." I twisted my hand and I was able to let go. I hurriedly walk but he once again called my name. I stopped but I did not look back, afraid that he might see my tears.
"Why are you like this?" he asked me.
I can feel some bitterness in his words. There was a taste of sadness in his statement.
"Why are you pushing me away? I kept my promise that I`ll be back."
I was sudden with his words, in his transition from vicious to piteous.
"And while I was away, I kept waiting for the moment that I`ll be back."
"Really? So you know how to wait? How funny," I said with sarcasm.
"Why are you treating me this way? I did not do anything wrong to you. Don`t tell me you`re jealous."
"Yes! I am jealous. I am jealous of you and Nicolette! And I am mad at you because I want to forget you! I want my heart to stop loving you!" I sobbed after saying those words.
He went near me and tried to comfort me but I told him to stop. "Don`t touch me. I love you ever since we were teens. When you left, I tried to forget you but I can`t. But I waited just to hear that you are getting married." I cried again but I tried to be strong. I have to unload those things to him. If I stopped back then, I don`t know when I will get the chance again. "I don`t know why of all men, I feel in love with you. I don`t know why my heart chose you. And now, all I want is for you to stop existing because I want to forget you. I want to stop loving you."
He held me close and gave me a tight embrace but I struggled to let go.
"Stop crying, Jenny. Stop crying," he whispered pleadingly.
"Let go of me!" I twisted and cried hard but he won`t let me go.
He just hugged me tighter whenever I contra his actions.
"Stop crying Jenny, please. I don`t want to see you cry," he whispered.
I struggled even more but when I was about to breath another word, he stopped me by giving me a kiss on the lips. He kissed me passionately. I was about to surrender to his kiss but I arrived to my senses. I gave him a slap and ran away. I stand here near a paved area at the foot of the mahogany tree. The sky grew darker as if commiserating to my longing. Moments later, the rain cried and together with it, tears fell from my eyes. I sat down and cried as the rain poured. I touched the paved part of the mahogany tree and I sobbed even more. The pain grew intense. My heart grieved with every memory.
After that day, he never showed up. I haven`t heard of it. But one day, a surprise visit from Nicolette changed everything.
"Jenny, I have to tell you something." Her face was filled with so much seriousness. Curiosity filled me as I waited for her next word.
"Jenny..." she said as she held my hand. "...Bryan is sick. He has leukemia and he is getting severe."
I was shocked with Nicolette`s words.
"No...No...No. You are lying to me Nicolette. You are lying!"
"No. I am saying the truth. I am his doctor." I couldn`t help but cry with what she said.
She continued telling me her revelations while I cried on my seat.
"He has been diagnosed three years ago. And sadly, the cancer cells increased rapidly in the past years and told him that his days are numbered. He asked me to discontinue his treatment and go back home here in the Philippines so that he can see and be with someone special that she left there. She asked me to pose as his girlfriend, as well, so that this special friend can go on her own. I found out that the friend he was talking about was you. "He loves you so much. He told me that he has been harboring this feeling for you ever since you were young but he does not have the courage to say these things to you. Back there in States, his mom told me that he never had a girlfriend. His mom would even tease him to me but he said that he will never court anyone else because he already found the girl she wanted to marry. And that when the time comes that he will have the courage to say the words `I love you` to that girl, she will do it in the place where they first met."
I sobbed while listening to her every confession.
"I envy you because you have this person who loves you so much," she continued. "I wish I could have someone like Bryan who will love me than his own life." She looked at me and wiped my tears.
"Don`t cry Jenny. You should be happy since he intends to spend his last days with you." She stood up and fixed herself and bid me goodbye. "I wish the both of you happiness," she said with a smile of hope and inspiration. "God may have given you a short time to savor the love, but make the most out of what you have."
"I will."
She bid goodbye and went out of our gate. She hopped in her car and started driving away. When she was no longer visible, tears rushed down my cheeks. It took me a week to find the courage to face Bryan.I know I won`t be able to look directly on his eyes after what happened...and after what I found out. I know I won`t be able to look at his face like I did before because I know the sadness and fear will just resurface. I know things won`t be as what it used to be because in any moment, he will be gone. Bryan will be perpetually gone and I can`t afford to think of such thought. Yet, I know I must be there for him. I decided to pay him a visit at his house but when I was halfway there, I happen to meet Carlene who was also in a rush.
"Good thing I saw you Jenny," she said, panting.
"Why are you in so much hurry?"
"I was about to go to your house. Jenny,
Bryan was just rushed to the hospital. I never thought he had leukemia and he is dying. He..." I left Carlene at that very spot and paddled my bicycle with all my might just to be in the hospital as quickly as possible. Fear resurfaced and the tears came rushing. I fought the thought but the image of Bryan lying on his deathbed inside the hospital won`t
simply fade away. When I reached there, I saw his mom who was sobbing. I approached her and she hugged me then cried on my shoulders.
"Tita, what happened?"
"Jenny, Bryan`s severe. His leukemia has gotten worst," his mother answered while crying.
"Can I see him?"
She gave me a yes and accompanied me to Bryan`s room. When I saw him, I couldn`t help but cry. I can see in his face that he is suffering. He had his back on us. So his mother called him and told him that I was here. When he faced our direction, all I did was hug him and cry.
"I...I am sorry about last time," he said with difficulty.
I hugged him even more. Hearing and seeing him that way was painful to me.
"Why did you lie to me?" I asked him as tears feel from my eyes.
"I am sorry if I lied," he said.
"Ssshhh. You don`t have to say sorry."
We just hugged each other. I stayed by his side while he suffered. I saw him being crippled by his disease.
One day, we decided to go to the field. We were standing by the tree, our hands intertwined as we both looked at the setting sun...just like in the sketch he made years ago. When he told me he was tired, we both seated at the foot of the mahogany tree and took a rest.
"I never thought this could happen," I told him.
He simply smiled at me.
"You re...mem...bered the ske...sketch I ma...made before," he said, trying hard to be strong albeit his weakness. "I tho...thought of you wh...when I ma...made that." I just listened to every word that he says, listening to his voice for i might not hear it again. "and I am..." he paused as he try to take a breath, "...ha...ppy be...be...cause I ma....made that sketch a re...reality." I smiled and gave him a kiss on the forehead and we both looked at the setting sky. He rested his head on my shoulder. I sit here by the paved area at the foot of the mahogany tree. The rain is still pouring. My tears are still running. My hand is touching the paved area, feeling the engravings on the
paved area:
"Bryan Anthony Suarez."
His last wish was that his ashes be buried at the foot of this tree so that he can remain in his own paradise. For him, this is paradise for he met the most important thing in this place — love. He wanted to be buried here so that whenever I miss him, I can just go here and I can reminisce everything we shared.
This tree in the middle of this field of yellow buttercups and asters witnessed stories of love, lost, friendship. And now, it witnessed another promise of love. And as long as this tree remains, it will be a witness to a love that started and will remain in this field...a love story that sprang from the innocence of childhood, grew in time, pained by separation, and rekindled by reunion. It will remain a witness to our love that will forever remain even though the claws of death separated to two of us. He has left me but never his love.
