Memory updated
Here's a revised and elongated version of your paragraph:
What is love? It's a question I've pondered since I was seven years old. That was the first time I can truly remember falling in love with someone who wasn't a family member. Love consumed me; every moment they were on my mind. I thank God that it was my first experience, and that it ended on such a positive note.
At ten, I thought I'd found someone who could be my second love, but as I've grown, I see it for what it truly was—grooming. He was 21, and I was just leaving grade five. As much as I might wish to deny it, the truth is, I still think of him. I wonder where he is, if I was the only one he talked to. Did I love him? Did he love me? From the ages of 10 to 12, his face, his name, his voice, his car, and his house were all ingrained in my memory. However, if you were to ask me where he is today, I would have no idea.
At 12, I found my real second love, but it wasn't a person—it was a thing. I loved it with all my heart, but our relationship was toxic. This love intertwined with my third and fourth loves. I see this second love in every part of my life, and it's sad to say, but I wish I had never encountered it.
My third love is where things get complicated. I met him at 12, fell in love with him at 13, and fell out of love at 14. By all accounts, I see him as a friend now, a platonic love. But in the beginning, I couldn’t envision a future without him. I changed aspects of myself for him; I even went back to my second love because of how he made me feel—crazy, annoying, unworthy—all of this and more is how I felt when I was in love with him. Yet, I am so thankful for him because he showed me how easy it is to get jealous of my friends and see them as competition. P.S. (He is one of the reasons I never back down on my relationship boundaries.)
My fourth, fifth, and sixth loves are all intertwined and woven together like a pretty pink bow. My fourth love was an old one—you might know her. Her name was Mary, mother to all, and I found her in the most unreliable times. When I felt like God had turned His back on me, her presence was like she was personally rooting for my success. I will never lose my faith in her. She represents a time in my life when my only support was drugs. You might wonder who could compare to her. His name is far from important, but his eyes are brown like rich chocolate, and his mind should be studied one day. His craftsmanship, his loyalty, and his carefree attitude were all things that made him feel like he was personally chosen for me. I am so thankful for this period of time I get to spend with him. We both know we're not going to get married, but I will 100% love him forever.
The sixth love is unlike any other for the simple fact that it hasn't happened yet. Neither has my seventh, nor my tenth. I hope that through all this pain and suffering, all my loves think of me in 50 years, the same way I think of them today. I live for love, even though I still don't fully understand it. But one major distinction I've made is that when I love, I breathe their name; their existence is all I think of. Their love is all I crave, their acceptance is all I cry over, their help is all I want, their knowledge is all I desire, their happiness is all I pray for. That's what distinguishes a crush from true love for me—I can never hate someone I've loved. I can hate someone I've had a crush on, but never someone I've truly loved.
I love love. I breathe love. I trust love. And you should too, because life isn't forever, but love is—if only for a time. Like everything in the world, love dies, love disappears, love turns to sadness. Yet, love is beautiful and painful, love is everything and nothing at the same time. And to you, dear reader, no matter what you've done in life, you deserve love. In whatever form you desire, whether romantic or platonic, you deserve to be held by someone you care for, by someone who couldn’t imagine a life without you.
