THE ZERO

ZERO POINT ONE

My name is Esteban or at least for the sake of this story it will be, for if I gave my real name or my family’s, we would be so graciously asked to leave this country that we have called home for many years.I was born in Mexico City and I am 23-years-old. Right now I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in Colorado with my Mother and older brother. I grow up in Mexico City with my three brothers, my father and mother. My dad served in the military and then worked as a security guard and a taxi driver until my oldest brother was born. After having children my dad became involved in organized crime and some of my earliest memories were of him giving us frequent “lessons” on how to fight, use weapons, disarm and kill people, and how to break into cars. Other than for self-defensive and defending others, I decided these lessons would not be a guiding force in my life.

In 2001, just two days after 9/11, we illegally crossed the US border for the first time at Chichuaga with my mother and siblings. My dad was already living here in Colorado. We took a bus from Mexico City to the border of Mexico. My mom told me it was a summer trip /vacation. When we arrived, we meet a lady that has many green cards. She looks through them all until she can find one that is your match. Then we got in a car and we just drive up to the border. That was my first time crossing with my family.

When we came to Colorado, we settled in Denver and we ended up leasing an apartment on Colfax. I was enrolled in middle school and, three days after arriving, I started 7th grade unable to speak any English. The school system in America doesn’t really care. It’s like don’t ask, don’t tell. You can go all the way to college but once you want to apply your profession you can’t. School for me was blurry sad, then it became fun to learn because I was taught how to speak English. Then the black and white world I lived in was gone and everything had color. I started enjoying my classes. I became more motivated as I grew older and I started getting girls numbers. I was making friends from all over the world. When I turn sixteen I went to school and all my friends had their driver’s licenses. So I went home that day and I asked my mom and dad, “Hey, when are you guys going to take me to get my driver’s license?” They both looked at me. My mom touched my face to check for fever or to see if I was sick. Then she smiled and said, “Are you dumb or what? Don’t you already know we are illegal?” I was like, “What does that mean?” She began to explain and after that I lost my mojo and life felt gray.

In 2007, after I was sixteen, I received my first illegal paper work from my father stating I was eighteen. I got a job at a grocery store and eventually was promoted to night manager. I had this position for two years, waking up at 5:00 a.m. to go to Highschool, then straight to work at the store as soon as classes let out.

Jump ahead to 2010 when I was nineteen. My friend Danny told me to come out and party with him. So we called up our friends and went downtown to a dance party. It was so much fun. We partied like monsters. At the end of the night, I meet Maria. She was a beautiful shine-ed girl. I felt so warm inside my chest. We danced till the club closed and then she told me to call her later and she would like to hang out and party more. So my friends and I drove back home and cleaned the place because she was not coming alone. She called me up and said that she had gotten lost but was close enough to the house so we could find her. I grabbed the car keys to my friend’s truck and another friend and I took off. The car was a big monster truck looking thing that when it started up sounded like a rocket taking off. I floored it (not thinking about the drinks that I already had) towards the parking lot to wait for the girls. There we where, sitting in this huge truck in the middle of a empty parking lot late at night, when a cop pulls up with his Christmas lights flashing. The officer asked us what we where doing out here so late. We told him we where waiting for friends to show up as they had gotten lost coming over to our house. The officer said, “Can I see you driver licenses and registration?” I told him that it wasn’t my truck but my friends and that he lived up there where the window is. He asked to see my ID. I told him that I don’t have one and that I would like to remain silent. He then told me to get out of the car and arrested me right there. My friend was free to go since he had an ID. and everything, so he walked back to the apartment.

When I was inside the patrol car, I asked the officer to tell me my right since I was being arrested. He said, “Your rights are to shut the fuck up.” This happen on a Friday. That Monday, I was going to go take the GED since I never could finish high school because I had to work extra to help my family. So the officers took me to jail. I don’t really want to talk too much about the officers and the things they said to me because I love them all. They keep me safe. But I know they know who the good cops and the bad cops are in their wonderful force. Thank you.

While I was in jail, my brother tried to bail me out. I thought I was going to get out and be able to head back home on Tuesday. I had already talked to the judge on a T.V. and they said it was cool. I was free to go; no big deal. Then I got a call from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.), a private company made from some guy in congress to hunt down illegals from all nations. He got all this money from the Patriot Act. While you are in this immigration jail, I.C.E. asks the government for money for you staying in their facilities. You can end up staying there for months or years. You see, when you are in their system, you can fight to stay in the U.S. and walk out of there with your green card. That is, if you have ten to fifteen grand. Boom you are out with a green card. Money can also buy you more time so you can decide on what it is you are wishing to do - try and stay or go back to Mexico. But you could get stuck in there for years lost in the system. There are people from all over the world in immigration jail. When I was in the immigration jail, it was full of Salvatruchas (a transnational criminal gang based mostly out of L.A., made up mostly of Central Americans), murderers, drug dealers, other cartel members, and of course a lot of regular people like myself. Life wasn’t horrible in immigration jail. It was actually kind to me while I was there. I made friends with the guards and they ended up being super nice!

After being there for a month, I got my deportation papers saying that I was leaving the states on Friday. They woke me up at 5:00 a.m. and told me to get my stuff. We were made to form a line. Then the guards told us that if we wanted to come back to the U.S., to make it in a legal way, and they put us on a bus and drove us to the airport. There was a private jet waiting outside where seven marshals in a single line where facing us with tactical armor, shot guns, g17 hand pistols, no helmets on. Before we got out of the bus the guards told us not to make jokes or smile at the marshals. That they don’t fuck around at all.

After the flight, I found myself in Chiguagua at one in the morning, with nowhere to go and with only a little bit of money in my pocket. I ended up getting a hotel room and some alcohol and shared the room with a guy that I meet a little before the plane ride. The following day, I learned the guy I was with had just been released from jail where he served ten years for murder. I jumped on to a bus to Mexico City hoping to track down some one I knew. Having moved away when quite young, my efforts were unsuccessful. So there where lots of nights sleeping on park benches, lost and homeless, until I was finally able to reach my mother on the phone. My mom was able to connect me with her sister, my Aunt, where I stayed for five days. For those five days I suffered from severe dysentery from the food and water and I awaited the arrival of my father who was also recently deported after serving five years in prison.

That last day at my Aunt’s I felt better so I went out to see where my dad was. While I was out though, my dad showed up at my Aunt’s house drunk and got into a fight with my Aunt’s boyfriend. She wouldn’t tolerate my dad’s drunken, abusive behavior and when I came back she had my belongings in a bag and threw me out with my father. From there we went to stay with my Father’s cousin. It only took two weeks before we were unwelcome there as well. So the two of us took a bus to Jugudalajara and moved in with my dad’s sister. This was my home for approximately two months. During this time I made money as a street musician- playing the guitar and singing. I was well liked because I could sing in Spanish and English.

With the money from my Mother’s tax return, my father and I flew to Alberta, Canada, which welcomes Mexican tourists. We didn’t make it far due to a careless mistake. My dad had left his recent deportation paperwork in his luggage. After an immigration officer discovered this, a quick computer check revealed our history and it was back to immigration jail, this time at the airport.

When I was inside the patrol car, I asked the officer to tell me my right since I was being arrested. He said, “Your rights are to shut the fuck up.” This happen on a Friday. That Monday, I was going to go take the GED since I never could finish high school because I had to work extra to help my family. So the officers took me to jail. I don’t really want to talk too much about the officers and the things they said to me because I love them all. They keep me safe. But I know they know who the good cops and the bad cops are in their wonderful force. Thank you.

While I was in jail, my brother tried to bail me out. I thought I was going to get out and be able to head back home on Tuesday. I had already talked to the judge on a T.V. and they said it was cool. I was free to go; no big deal. Then I got a call from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.), a private company made from some guy in congress to hunt down illegals from all nations. He got all this money from the Patriot Act. While you are in this immigration jail, I.C.E. asks the government for money for you staying in their facilities. You can end up staying there for months or years. You see, when you are in their system, you can fight to stay in the U.S. and walk out of there with your green card. That is, if you have ten to fifteen grand. Boom you are out with a green card. Money can also buy you more time so you can decide on what it is you are wishing to do - try and stay or go back to Mexico. But you could get stuck in there for years lost in the system. There are people from all over the world in immigration jail. When I was in the immigration jail, it was full of Salvatruchas (a transnational criminal gang based mostly out of L.A., made up mostly of Central Americans), murderers, drug dealers, other cartel members, and of course a lot of regular people like myself. Life wasn’t horrible in immigration jail. It was actually kind to me while I was there. I made friends with the guards and they ended up being super nice!

After being there for a month, I got my deportation papers saying that I was leaving the states on Friday. They woke me up at 5:00 a.m. and told me to get my stuff. We were made to form a line. Then the guards told us that if we wanted to come back to the U.S., to make it in a legal way, and they put us on a bus and drove us to the airport. There was a private jet waiting outside where seven marshals in a single line where facing us with tactical armor, shot guns, g17 hand pistols, no helmets on. Before we got out of the bus the guards told us not to make jokes or smile at the marshals. That they don’t fuck around at all.

After the flight, I found myself in Chiguagua at one in the morning, with nowhere to go and with only a little bit of money in my pocket. I ended up getting a hotel room and some alcohol and shared the room with a guy that I meet a little before the plane ride. The following day, I learned the guy I was with had just been released from jail where he served ten years for murder. I jumped on to a bus to Mexico City hoping to track down some one I knew. Having moved away when quite young, my efforts were unsuccessful. So there where lots of nights sleeping on park benches, lost and homeless, until I was finally able to reach my mother on the phone. My mom was able to connect me with her sister, my Aunt, where I stayed for five days. For those five days I suffered from severe dysentery from the food and water and I awaited the arrival of my father who was also recently deported after serving five years in prison.

That last day at my Aunt’s I felt better so I went out to see where my dad was. While I was out though, my dad showed up at my Aunt’s house drunk and got into a fight with my Aunt’s boyfriend. She wouldn’t tolerate my dad’s drunken, abusive behavior and when I came back she had my belongings in a bag and threw me out with my father. From there we went to stay with my Father’s cousin. It only took two weeks before we were unwelcome there as well. So the two of us took a bus to Jugudalajara and moved in with my dad’s sister. This was my home for approximately two months. During this time I made money as a street musician- playing the guitar and singing. I was well liked because I could sing in Spanish and English.

With the money from my Mother’s tax return, my father and I flew to Alberta, Canada, which welcomes Mexican tourists. We didn’t make it far due to a careless mistake. My dad had left his recent deportation paperwork in his luggage. After an immigration officer discovered this, a quick computer check revealed our history and it was back to immigration jail, this time at the airport.

Soon we where on a flight back to Mexico City. Then another bus ride and we where back living with my Aunt.

During my stay at my Aunts, I meet up with one of my cousin who invited me out to a ranch for a party. My cousin, some friends, and I hopped onto a bus and head out to a Ranch. When we arrived, we all decided to go in search for Marijuana. My cousin said he knew of a place to try and get some so we started walking and came across an area of hills full of rows and rows of topers from old pick ups just lying on the ground covered in weeds. My cousin goes and knocks on the top of one and after a few minutes from under it a farmer guy with long hair, ripped up shorts, and old worn out shoes comes up. The farmer’s blood shots eyes opened in excitement to see my cousin. They talked for a bit and then he disappears back underground. He comes back with a Safeway bag of Marijuana for 50 pesos but he refused the money. They shake hands and from there we walked off to a convenience store and ask for mescal.

The mescal in that area is some of the finest. It is all clear and has no taste at all, just a warm feeling in your chest. So my cousin, our friends and I walked back to the ranch, this large area with horses running all over it and a guest house in the back for us. For the next few days, we partied and towards the end of the weekend, we decide to go hike up a hill. There we discovered a mining pit with a sign saying - DO NOT CROSS / DEADLY FORCE AUTHORIZED. We walked on and drank and smoked and just had fun. While we were walking someone looked down into the mine pit and saw a motorcycle racing its way up towards the top. In a few, the motorcycle pulls to a stop. A man sits in front of us and yells to get the fuck out of here. He pulls a gun, aiming at my head, and yells again to get the fuck out. We all ran like hell with the guy shooting at us.

About two months later, my Mother, still back in the states, had raised enough money and made arrangements for another attempt for me and my father to cross the border. We packed up and with my guitar and the money for payoff in our pockets, we caught a ride from a trucker to Sonora. When he dropped us off, he said that we needed to be careful because the area had a very high kidnapping rate. Walking through the town to the hotel where we are to stay at, we watched a guy get grabbed from an alleyway and thrown into the back of a truck and taken away. It scarred the hell out of us and we quickly made our way to the hotel and gave them the names we were listed under.

We waited for three day for a large group to gather. Then there is a meeting with all the other people and this man tells everyone what we need to bring and not bring. The most important thing is to bring as much water as you can carry.

My father doesn’t listen. He only brought 3 gallons of water which is below the suggested amount. Before this trip, I was always taking care of my dad so he didn’t drown in alcohol or from getting into fights. I even remember being in between place to stay, we slept in a tool closet with my dad’s friend that was full of piss jars. The smell of hangover was so strong it almost made you sick. Sometimes we were friends and everything was awesome until the macho came out and that would fuck it all up. But inside all of that, God bless his heart, I do love my dad. The days before the trip were no different. My dad just drank alcohol all the way up till we had to go.

The next day was November 1, 2010. We gave 100 pesos to a group of men. The money is to pay off the cartel for use of the land. Then we where stuffed inside a large van with everyone sitting inside airplane style.

I still remember what I wore that day: a pair of tight jeans with no underwear, a muscle shirt, my lucky hat, and new shoes. I also carried my backpack with a jacket, my Ray-Bans, a Harry Potter book, and pictures of my mother. They started driving and some time later the van pulls over, the doors open, and you’re blinded by the sunlight for a few. We had arrived at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. The driver tells everyone that we must leave all electronic devices behind (cell phones, on or off, are able to be tracked). Then we drove for a little bit longer to where a group of soldiers from the Mexican Army inform you to make a line. You paid off the soldiers with 500 pesos. Those who paid more cross last because it is inevitable that many will get caught. So while the US Border Patrol is busy with those less fortunate, the ones who paid more have a better chance. For a fee of five pesos you can use a ladder on the Mexican side to cross over. We were taken to a house right on the border.

It was full with probably around a hundred people sitting inside. Lots of them were pregnant women. We all sat there and watched border guards cross back and forth. People continuously come and go from the house.

The guide left once with lots of women only to come back to say they had all gotten caught. I remember being told to never ever lose the guide because they always come back. They never get lost or caught so just keep your eyes on them. If they run, you run. The morning comes and 50-60 people have left and finally our turn comes. My dad and I, along with a group of others, climb over and form a line. We walk with two guys in front who have radios and one in the back that cleans the footprints. We all must walk in each other’s footsteps to keep tracks to a minimal. I stayed as close to the front of the group as long as I could but my father fell behind and kept trying to get me to come to the back with him.

The heat became unbearable. The shoes that I had purchased started falling apart because the glue had melted. My clothing had started fading and ripping. The night comes and the temperature drops drastically. During the night we had to find shelter to hide. The only thing around was a bunch of thorn bushes so we ended up hiding there from helicopters flying over. I lay there with thorns pressing into my face and other parts of my body and to keep my spirits up I thought of my family and friends back at home.

We all continue to walk through the desert and, one by one, people start to run out of water. My dad was in the back begging people for alcohol. Some people had alcohol that was mixed with garlic that they stored in their boots to keep the rattlesnakes away. People where looking at him like he was crazy but someone ended up giving it to him. So my dad started to drink a lot and soon the water he had and mine ran out then the group’s runs out. We all keep going. We had no choice. At this point, we became forced to step over the bodies of people who didn’t make it. There were people grabbing at your ankles, begging for help and pleading for water, but we had none to give. By some kind of miracle we did discover a large puddle of deer urine mixed with rainwater. It smelled so horrible - a strong musty stench. It was covered in moss but we were all so thankful. We filled our water bottles. It was the best tasting water I have ever had, ever, still to this day. If we hadn’t came across it, I most likely would have died out there.

Some people stayed behind because they were too weak and tired to go on but my dad and I, along with several others, keep going. Inside the groups, there were always people coming and going that have these very large back packs. They were constantly moving in and out of the groups. Some times a person would appear from out of the desert. They would come and ask for five young men that could run very fast and then they would disappear with them and the people that they took would return also with these large bags. I am rather sure it was drugs they were bringing in.

My dad ran out of water again and so I ended up sharing mine with him. I expected him to only take a sip so we could conserve what little was left. Instead, he finished it all, leaving me with none. With no more water, he became so dehydrated from drinking alcohol and worn out, he couldn’t walk any further. I picked him up and carried him. I then ran to catch back up with the group. I ran till I found myself right behind the guide. I was not about to lose him. Soon the desert terrain started to change from a flat ground sparsely covered with cactuses to steep hills dense with cactuses covered with piercing thorns. After carrying my dad for four hours, we came to a dried riverbed. I could not keep going. We where sinking in and we had started to fall way behind the group. I was forced to make the most painful decision of my life. I set my father down in the sand. He begged me to stay, but I wanted to see my mom again. I told him, “You have lived your life. I must live mine.” I took him near a road and gave him my jacket. He grabbed my hand and again begged me not to leave. I broke free, crying, and just ran. I could hear him screaming for me to come back. I kept runnung. As day turned to night and the cold began to set in I finally caught up with the group. At that point the path led straight up a very steep mountain. I was still crying. This guy turned to me and told me don’t cry and to keep looking forward and think about tomorrow.

During the night you could hear the cries of people all around you pleading for water and others shushing them. I realized that I could very easily die here by someone elses hands as I could of dehydration.

As I maneuvered from rock to rock, up the steep grade in complete darkness, I passed more dead bodies and more people crying for help. Another haunting memory I have was passing a pregnant woman. She grabbed me, desperately crying for water and for help. Knowing there was no way I could carry her up the mountain and having no water to offer her, I left her. We had to make it to the top. If we missed our time, the trucks at the top would leave and it would be over. But finally at the top, I could see a flagpole, a couple trucks, and three gallons of water. Everyone scrambled for them.

Everyone that made it is then smashed into the back of a Ford 4x4 pickup. Everyone was sitting as close as they can to each other and holding on for dear life so they don’t fly out as the truck had no topper. The truck goes as fast as it can, bouncing up and down with no headlights, taking you on your way to Tucson, Arizona. When you arrive at Tucson, a group of people awaited. They scrub the truck of all the dirt to make it look as if it was not just out in the desert. Afterwards they broke us all up into groups and lay you out in the back of a truck like sardines.

For this leg of the trip, I wasn’t as fortunate as from Tucson to Phoenix. They placed me on the floorboard of the truck just inches away from the pedals and lying across the transmission that got so hot during the journey it burned my legs. When I said something to the driver he told me to shut up and not to speak. All I could do was cry silently till I fell asleep.

From here I was dropped off at a trailer park where I was placed inside a small trailer full of people crouching miserably quiet, waiting for their turn to catch the ride from their person to take them home or wherever they had setup to go. Finally, my name was called and I was on my way home. I remember the drive as if it was like a dream. It was magical. You realize you’re back in the states and it is just so hard to believe. When I got back to Colorado, it was just an amazing feeling. I couldn’t believe it. There we were driving down the street and I was seeing all the old place I used to know. Finally I pulled up to my mother’s house, got out of the car, and slowly walked up to the door and knocked. My mother opened the door and all my family is very excited to see me. Someone asked about dad. I told them that he got tired and pussied out. I didn’t really know what to tell them. If they read this, it will be how they find out what happened.

Days went by and soon months start flying off the calendar and I never left my mother’s house over great fear of going out and getting arrested again and sent back to Mexico and making my journey all being for nothing. After a lot of convincing from friends and family, I finally left the house and went outside searching alleyways and collecting trash and then started painting on them. It became my outlet. I ended up making 50 paintings in a week and gave them all to my friends and family.

A few more months passed and we heard from my dad. He was picked up by Border Patrol and was back in Mexico trying to figure another way back to America. Eventually my father made it back to Denver. He stashed away in a truck delivering refrigerators. Finally we had our whole family back and things were good for a while. My dad got a job and life seemed to go back to normal. But after sometime, he started acting crazy and drinking again and then started accusing my mother of sleeping around and just other odd things. I think while in Mexico he started doing drugs or even while he was in the states. One day, he finally lost it. He grabbed my mom and slammed her against the floor with a knife to her throat. He started yelling for her to tell him whom it was that she was seeing. When he didn’t get anywhere, he threated to kill the kids in the house. After some time he left and the cops where called and he ended back in jail and then he was deported again. My dad now lives in Mexico City out of a car doing odd jobs to get by. There is always a bit of a fear he will try to come back or that I’ll get deported again and run into him. I know this will be something I’ll have to deal with at sometime. It’s something like a cut in my soul that hurts from time to time.I just ignore it.

I have been asked before why I didn’t stay in Mexico City. I think every living thing on this earth has somewhere or something that they call home. For me, my friends and my family are everything that I care about and are all here. Everything I know is here. The most beautiful things that I would die for are here.

Here is where I feel safe. I feel love and this is where I learned about love. It was all in my beloved America. This is where I feel everything is possible. If I could not come back to Colorado, I wouldn’t have stayed in Mexico but would have gone to South America or to the Congo or to some far, far away place. This last time when I was in Mexico, I learned a lot of things that I didn’t see when I was a boy. Before I was blind to the cruel and raw reality for my family. I mean, it wasn’t all bad and being bilingual in Mexico helps you a lot. But it’s a concrete jungle were most people in Mexico City believe there’s two types of people: lions and sheep. When my eyes saw that and when my heart felt that, I knew Mexico was not the place I left behind as a boy.

I learned a lot about myself during my journey and, all in all, I feel in the end it probably saved my life. When I was eighteen or so, I was really angry because I always felt that I could do more then just work and work. I never really knew much about art. to give me a challenge. I wanted something that I could prove to myself and to everyone that I was more then just a dishwasher for a fancy restaurant. Something that I could always keep close to my heart. I saw this coffee shop/ bar. I sit down on a couch and this woman came and sat next to me and asked, “What do you want to do?” I said, “I want to do something big.”

She said, “Like what?”

I didn’t know what I really wanted or what she wanted so I looked over to my right and there it was - a sculpture. So I said, “I want to do something like that.” She said, “Ooh. I have some friends that can help you do just that.” Then she told me to do some sketches and full drawings of the thing that I wanted to do and she will call me at the end of the week. I didn’t draw anything because I didn’t believe her until she called and said that we were meeting in a house. I hung up and then I quickly made a huge cup of coffee, locked myself in the bedroom and began drawing. I had my drawings and my ideas all narrowed down. Later that week I left my house to head downtown to meet with the lady. When I got to the house it was like a big party with kids running around everywhere. I said, “So who do I show this to? What is going on here?” Nobody said anything so I took a glass and a spoon and clanged them together and said, “Can I get your attention, please?” Everyone looked at me. My legs were shaking and I began to explain what was in my head. At the end everyone smiled and said, “Yeah, I like that. Let’s do art.” Later that year I got a personal manager and made a sculpture for an awesome festival and received a paycheck in the mail. I made it happen and I’ll never forget how awesome it was. I learned my gift- That I could create something awesome. It felt great to see others look at my sculpture with eyes of wonder.

From sculpture, I moved back to painting and that was where I learned how to escape reality after my journey. Painting and art became my life. My eyes were so tired from seeing hell all around me; the sad faces; the fake faces. My family is what keeps me going, but art is what keeps me alive. It has become my reason. It has become everything. Painting makes me feel I am in control and that everything makes sense. Though my brush flows with sorrow, it has also allowed me to realize how beautiful things can be. I didn’t give up. I am alive. I want people to see things how I see them; With gratitude. I will never stop taking people down that road with me. I know I am fucked up and have a hard time at times understanding why the things are the way they are, but painting makes me feel I am in control and that everything makes sense.

If someone takes something from my story, I hope it is to never take life, and especially love, for granted and to never give up on freedom,life or love.

Here is where I feel safe. I feel love and this is where I learned about love. It was all in my beloved America. This is where I feel everything is possible. If I could not come back to Colorado, I wouldn’t have stayed in Mexico but would have gone to South America or to the Congo or to some far, far away place. This last time when I was in Mexico, I learned a lot of things that I didn’t see when I was a boy. Before I was blind to the cruel and raw reality for my family. I mean, it wasn’t all bad and being bilingual in Mexico helps you a lot. But it’s a concrete jungle were most people in Mexico City believe there’s two types of people: lions and sheep. When my eyes saw that and when my heart felt that, I knew Mexico was not the place I left behind as a boy.

I learned a lot about myself during my journey and, all in all, I feel in the end it probably saved my life. When I was eighteen or so, I was really angry because I always felt that I could do more then just work and work. I never really knew much about art. to give me a challenge. I wanted something that I could prove to myself and to everyone that I was more then just a dishwasher for a fancy restaurant. Something that I could always keep close to my heart. I saw this coffee shop/ bar. I sit down on a couch and this woman came and sat next to me and asked, “What do you want to do?” I said, “I want to do something big.”

She said, “Like what?”

I didn’t know what I really wanted or what she wanted so I looked over to my right and there it was - a sculpture. So I said, “I want to do something like that.” She said, “Ooh. I have some friends that can help you do just that.” Then she told me to do some sketches and full drawings of the thing that I wanted to do and she will call me at the end of the week. I didn’t draw anything because I didn’t believe her until she called and said that we were meeting in a house. I hung up and then I quickly made a huge cup of coffee, locked myself in the bedroom and began drawing. I had my drawings and my ideas all narrowed down. Later that week I left my house to head downtown to meet with the lady. When I got to the house it was like a big party with kids running around everywhere. I said, “So who do I show this to? What is going on here?” Nobody said anything so I took a glass and a spoon and clanged them together and said, “Can I get your attention, please?” Everyone looked at me. My legs were shaking and I began to explain what was in my head. At the end everyone smiled and said, “Yeah, I like that. Let’s do art.” Later that year I got a personal manager and made a sculpture for an awesome festival and received a paycheck in the mail. I made it happen and I’ll never forget how awesome it was. I learned my gift- That I could create something awesome. It felt great to see others look at my sculpture with eyes of wonder.

From sculpture, I moved back to painting and that was where I learned how to escape reality after my journey. Painting and art became my life. My eyes were so tired from seeing hell all around me; the sad faces; the fake faces. My family is what keeps me going, but art is what keeps me alive. It has become my reason. It has become everything. Painting makes me feel I am in control and that everything makes sense. Though my brush flows with sorrow, it has also allowed me to realize how beautiful things can be. I didn’t give up. I am alive. I want people to see things how I see them; With gratitude. I will never stop taking people down that road with me. I know I am fucked up and have a hard time at times understanding why the things are the way they are, but painting makes me feel I am in control and that everything makes sense.

If someone takes something from my story, I hope it is to never take life, and especially love, for granted and to never give up on freedom,life or love.

PART 2

THE ADVENTURE

In life we all must take chances. Life is an experience for those who want to take chances; for those who have no fear of living, and for those who have the confidence and courage to live. In this life, nothing is easy and nothing should be easy, not even a glass of water. It sounds cruel and hard to think about it in this way, but that's how my life has been...

I believe and feel that it had to be that way for me because I made bad choices in life. I went against my destiny but that destiny was wrong; my idea of everything was wrong. My destiny was not to be a drunk, angry person. Just like my father said: I am a Lion. Someone more than I could even imagine. Now that I'm sober, I understand… My mind and my soul are back. I feel great. Some days in prison I felt sad and weak, but I learned to be strong like the rest. When someone shows weakness, everyone helps each other. No one is alone; even in prison there's a brotherhood. If you want to be an asshole, you will meet a way bigger asshole than you. You get what you give and you give what you get... I always believed I was a man but now I know I was far from it. It took me 30 years to learn that 9 years of being a drunk asshole only gave me exactly that. In return, I realized how blind I was; how I got carried away. Was it really me? Life is hard for everyone, but is everyone happy because of the hardship? Happy to have all that they’ve got. Everyone gets what they wish for. For me, I have taken many opportunities. I have died twice; crossed the desert (no man's land); seen and smelled death. Death was always in front of me or always a few steps behind me. I no longer have a clue what fear is; I do not fear anything anymore. My only doubt in life, if you can even call it that, is to fail after all I have lived; to fail those who have helped me, loved me and given their trust to me. Now sitting here in prison, I have the will to succeed and not to make the same mistakes. I only have one family. The beauty of this life comes in the form of the most precious memories. Nothing in this life compares to the love of my mother, father and brothers. My family and friends will never give up on me.

The Greatness of all is that I am alone, or I used to think I was alone. The truth is that no one is alone, all it takes is practice and if I really apply myself and stay mentally strong I can do anything, I can be the nicest person in the world or I could be the worst the world has seen before, People can see it in my eyes. And look at my life the Price I have pay, after all I'm still alive, I welcome the future, the struggle of life, because now I'm myself, because now I have Confidence , a Confidence that I never knew, one day I could say that is hard to think and figure out,how things can turn out I always follow my gut I never really knew where was my life going ,I never had fear to do anything or to lose everything I was smooth as an ocean I was furious as a Storm I was warm as the sun rays and as cold as ice I was sharp as a blade. What else is out there? My hunger for life is infinite. I want to see what is on the other side. Cold, warm and hostile, I no longer care. Knowledge is my power, my SOUL is my all.

One year has passed by, I'm in my land where I wanted ,nothing is the same or how I thought it will be. Somedays I wonder if I should have stay in jail is the same as my life, now living close to the ocean makes life easy but also more carefree; have I become someone else? I have learned a lot but I also have learned how difficult it is to Trust or to make new friends to find work all of these ups and downs have taken so much out of me I feel tired and unwilling to keep going ,I have set in my mind that I won't see my family for a long time is how my life is it will be for awhile .I can't give up, i need to keep fighting myself & find what everyone sees inside me. No one sees the horror living inside my head all the time I have to deal with day by day. I write to be a better person to put my pain in paper everytime I feel like crying I write is better than thinking of the past .

Why can't I feel like this again? Who have I become ?

Life? what can I say about it good or bad is a Adventure,a movie some can say that believe that,for me life has been all the above,let's say there's good and bad inside me I never had much I never needed much,I search for all when all along it was in front of me there's no amount money or Drug,place that can give what all of us have and that's our inner love for yourself,it forces you to believe in yourself I had to lose so many friends my family ,to learn something we all are born knowing is a gift we have to suffer to reveal what's inside of us.This life shows us all the time the right and wrong some of us get blind by pain lost of love we find search for something or someone to fill that void the empty space inside our chest when all along a sunshine lives inside of us we don't see it or feel it ,at times we are so blind with the joys of life other times we just enjoy the high of living to the limit even if that brings dead in front of us .is hard to see that all at the end good or bad is there for us to learn that not always everything is going to be good or bad and not always everything is going to be forever in this universe nothing is forever ,for me the only thing that's forever what has not start or end is love the kind never ending love of my Mother my Father my Brothers,Sisters GrandParents and of course you Soul Mate,I wasted 10 years drinking trying to fill the void that was never there searching,for a feeling that was never there all of this got me in a place worse than hell and for me that was not believing in myself I had zero confidence,not seeing all the love I had all around me always forever was all around me I close my eyes and let go let go of my old self.

YOU CAN DESTROY MY MIND

YOU CAN DESTROY MY BODY

YOU CAN'T NEVER DESTROY MY SOUL

I can only hope it all goes well from now on and I don't spend more time in this Mental Hospital Detention Center of Immigration I'm tired of being in 4 walls same routine waiting for food waiting for someone to open the door of your cell for you to be able to walk inside a building a human zoo the only thing you can see that is natural and pure is the sky and that's two times a week I'm tired of being here. We all belong to be free as birds as bees as all living things in this world I hope in a few hours I will be gone on airplane to Mexico I will be alone for along while I have to shine I have to learn and start over once again so be it I can only think of the outside world the new adventure of how my new life will be what will I see ,what will I learn ,is Christmas today 12/25/19 is a sad day for everyone here almost everyone is at sleep I feel mentally drain my body is weak done for all I want is to go outside and live my life is that too much to ask as the days go by here I know one day I will be release, nothing is forever I have to stay strong I'm so lucky to have lived what I have lived.

Have you ever feel,like you just wanted to disappear? Well, that was me for 9 years. I remember all the names you gave me .But at the end of the day I was as strong as a bird that couldn't Fly Because every word you said made a hit towards my life .But now I'm strong and I know can move and fix my wings so I can fly high with my Mind Right.

As I lay in lock down my mind and my soul Thinks of you wanting to be next to you on the good or bad as you have. I'm sure at times you wonder if I would ever change. I always have to hit the bottom to learn to suffer to change my mind about the way I live and see the world.

Now i'm free now I miss and see how I miss my family my home ,somewhere where I can feel like I belong the Adventure is almost over it feels I been stuck in this Paradise is been good full of adventures this place Playa del Carmen is just for a Vacation not to live here there's too much Drama sometimes not just for me but everyone I focus on my Pain but what pain of being alone not wanted by my Family where do I start no one ever said it would be this hard I thought I was ready I have to re learn how to live I'm tired of being in the run all the time I have to face the reality I live in now.

Finding out who I am again is my new task my mind has been distorted from what I use to know,a fading image of who I was is slowly washing away I'm different now we can't avoid the change ,change is good it just takes time ,time I dont have anymore but body wants to live my mind wants to die I wonder why I had to live so much pain for what it has gave nothing but nightmares and loses some days I don't even want to get up from bed for what to do what nothing has value or meaning if my family is not here ,I miss my mothers food I miss walking with her and yet I knew this moment will come when I wont have my family anymore. just me far away from them Becuase I fuck up I meet wrong person who stole my love who stole my trust and send me here after many times of telling her how much I never wanted come here. Now I start from zero again but this time alone Friends sure I dont Trust no one anymore not even my shadow I learn the hard way I'm never helping no one again it always fails or end up biting me in the Ass for what to gain what not even money Respect ? a pass to haven I don't think so, im Stupid also I don't know how to say No everyday im learning something new about me something I should have know long before but I never put close attention to me or who I am becoming until now ,now I see the Good the Bad and the Ugly when I look in the Mirror I have to continue this life I cant give up is not who I am I have lived worst things in life but I was younger now im old my body shows all the harm I done to it over the years soon I will be 32 years old Terrible life is passing me by time never stops and the pain gets bigger day by day hour by hour minute by minute every second I can feel I can live it just as pure and real pain is when you feel it thats how real and pure my wonderful life is .

TRUST YOUR HOPES IF YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR HOPES YOU WILL NEVER SEE WHAT'S BEYOND THEM .

I learn that Motto in High School In San Diego California my Counselor told me that she knew I was a Immigrant and I had a few chances in the School she gave me any class I wanted I was lucky but the pain of being a Immigrant haunted me for so long I never felt good about my self or anything I just work and hide away, school was not important girls anything because i was illegal I thought everyone didn't like me so I lie many times to be someone who I was not, when at the end no one gave a shit if I was legal or not it was all in my head that’s what I think now, but before it was not like that at all I was at ashamed of my self for something I had no control over it destroy my life who I was and I had to learn ones again to love my self to find something in me that was worth living my father was always strong he said who cares if you are illegal or not love your self look at you but I never understood until now and now is late I never had a chance to Thank my father for all he did for us. My Father was not always the best but he sure can work and make things happen some way some how he never took no as a Answer.he always continue never gave up I work with him in many places from Restaurants to Landscaping Construction, washing dishes you name it we did it me and my Father, he was my Enemy for along time then he became my Best Friend from pain fights screams at the end we found peace with both ourselves after many ass whoopings fights tears blood not the best memories but they sure remind me that all things can get worst really worst.

Over time life has been even more pushing for me I learn more but it also hurts more,Loneliness has become my best friend now I have to get used to it self control is what I aim for now some way somehow I'm doing it even when the odds are against me even when I think I drank my Self to dead to not feel to sleep think of something else but all it does it destroy my image my persona how people see me when Im healthy people come to talk to me to learn from me but it is so difficult to explain my life is sad Im sad not always but for the most part of the day over time i will get more healthy Im fighting my Demons and they are fucking huge but Im more Im stronger my Brain is the Best I have achieve to move out of Playa del Carmen now Im in Oaxaca Starting over but for me this is it. i do not want to move anymore Traveling yes is fun and all but it takes a told on you so many goodbyes so many faces good people that leave there's no Friends when you travel I know a lot of people and you learn that when you really need help they are not there but again how can they help you is not my family everyone achieves how to live alone at the end is all we have ourselves .

Dear brother Juan, how Wish I can be with you in these moments of pain I pray more than ever for you for us. you Must stay strong, I Survive my Accident I also wanted to end my life but God wanted me here for longer Perhaps to be Stronger like you Daniel my Dear Mother Like My Father and Lucas One day you will read this and Feel better This will be your new start of a new life

I never really Drank or liked to drink. If I remember well it was since I spent two years with him breathing living he’s pain as if it was mine. I don't blame him for teaching bad at the end of the day the older I got I could have said no but I never did I follow my father to the end always even if sometimes meant hurting us in the prossees ,so many times we drank got wasted for what maybe now that look back into it ,it was perhaps to catch up for me to be at his level to understand he's pain he's struggle getting old with nothing deported with your son I understand now father .Nothing is ever easy our family try to help us but at the end we had to make our own way we don’t follow we are the ones in the lead.

Mornings like this are always full of thoughts is like a time machine inside my head I remember everything parts of Great adventures like the time we fought in a Bar dad me and you against the world just because the singer was not singing in English, I would give anything to go back and make things right with you again Perhaps not drink as much not argue not fight but we did try it all your sickness took you over and I forgive you I know it was not my Father anymore my real dad never die you always live inside my heart no matter where you go or where you are you will always be with me you told me that when I was 14 years old and you were out of jail ,I cry and told you how much I missed you ,don't cry chin up I’m always with you ,all the wisdom all the things you show me you told me all your jokes they all live in me now i'm you, the better of you I will always Admire you I will always be your biggest fan if not me who I was your friend first after your son .I don't care where you are I we will meet again I know that father if I die I want to born in your family again I would love to be your son again it would be a honor to take care of you like you took care of me but this time I want to see you grow old I want you to see my failures my victories I don't want to ever miss you this much I did my best not to cry but the tears I cry of you are full of happiness because I know you are always with me.

My Mothers has always been a Angel in my life she has also become so strong over the past years even more know she raise me and my Brothers plus she also had to deal with my father i can't ask her for anything i wish i could be with her helping walking with her spending more time is always when you don't have something you love or you took for granted when is gone you wanted the most i know she's fine my brothers are with her but they will never be the same as me they will never show the care i had for her well im sure thats what all sons say i'm the best no no im beast i like to think our parents raise us and love us equally .

i'm not a Parent yet i don't know ,What kills me is that when i had the time to spend time with my mother i never did i was always working or partying she will always tell me be safe why you are going out stay home sleep rest you work tomorrow but the you and me thought was that everything was forever but nothing is forever we must treasure every moment with our family parents we never know when or how it will end everyone knows this but we forget about it is never too late to learn it, we never care we focus too much on us we don't remember? Or do we choose not to remember, all they did for us, all the struggle they endorsed for us and we forget and continue, with our life as if nothing has happened? as our parents didn't do anything for us? perhaps im wrong and i like to think i'm wrong but i know is not true for everyone they really are happy families out there we all have our secrets or problems in our families but i know they are happy parents happy sons and daughters i like to think there is if not why would this world continue to exist in nature not even the animals have it easy from the sea to land to the sky no living thing in life has it easy is a Paradox of my life it always comes around to understand pain and sorrow to see and understand why others have it easy then others why somethings can be different why the strong survives and the weak dies it seems and feels to me we all have spend so much time doing and searching for a meaning of everything when at the end we don't really dont know anything is pointless. it would be nicer if things were Anolog like in the 1960s people were more happy everyone one seem to have fun life was more pure music food style everything had class everything had a meaning a purpose from the young to the old everyone had a purpose life had colors things were made better then ever i knew a few people from the Great Generation the best people in the world there bodies where old but the way they look in their eyes, what was inside them was more life and conscious then i can ever be or have in me .Thanks to Great people we are all here who do we become and how things become for all of us is not our fault we just don't know better. Or we do but we don't achieve what we really want Loneliness and pay are more real but is all we have left or self things happen in life and we try to control them is our mistake sometimes sometimes just shit happens and we can avoid it just learn from it as others have achieve it I learn from others pain is hard to learn from your own when you are blind of yourself there is Self Love but it wears out over time until you find it again or Some one reminds you like My brother Juan my Oldest Brother midlife crisis is real for some I haven't life it maybe I gotten use to it or i have already evolved it Isq have already try to take my life like my brother I survive it and I know he will too a Start of a new life after all the pain that we live we become believers of God or anything that's more then us something we cannot see because that how pain suffering works we can't get stock just destroying ourselves with memories of pain and sorrow we can only become even more than us that's what the higher powers want from us to be more than we can even imagine Perhaps the next life ones we close our eyes forever will be more hard and difficult then this one we already live in haven this world is so beautiful it took me so long to see it to live it to trust and idea of life now after knowing how life can just turn around how my family is Seperated how my mother is in Pain and how I use to be the foundation for my family even tho I was not the best i keep my family together I never let anyone behind Even being the worst drunk I always show I love them like my wife my life my Ride and Die the one who has endure all my Traumas the Strongest women I know thats why I chose her that why I wanted to spend my the rest of my life with her because I felt her pain too because shes alone like me but yet she's Bad ass and keeps it together I admire her I will learn how to be the best Husband for her she also needs me like I need her being Deported alone in Mexico is not easy I have change and the Change continues i know if i dont write this I fail in life people need to hear and know all the pain a fucking wall a border I know that border will go down we will Destroy it we are Humans we all have pain sorrow love some have more then others but when is enough is enough Even your own body tells you. your body wants to live more than your brain your brain knows whats head Death we done it so many times like myself after so many times of being close to dead I do NOT FEAR DEAD when it comes it will come is the best calming feeling I saw my Dad my Grandpa in amazing car on the way to the sun I was there I know I believe we have all die so many times even if it is not but a accident or by someone but when we Destroy ourselves when we Hurt we lose a Tear of life Some of us are Stronger than others but no one has ever said you cant be strong either we all have the same Soul the same power of will to live we just need to find it inside of us again .This is why i know my Brother will come back from the Coma from this Shit of Covid we will all live and tribe we will flourish .as a Humans if we do not have control over it we can do much we have to show the way for others we need to be stronger as equal as your Brothers and Sisters we have to help and be kind is what I have learn the last couple of days Detoxing from my Demons trying to Feel what my brother is going Through Praying Praying from my heart like I never done before why when everything goes to shits we ask for forgiveness we ask for mercy .because deep inside we think we deserve it but only God knows .if you believe that your life is written already for you perhaps is true perhaps we write our own life i own pain by the choices we make as a Drunk asshole I know i made my choices so I could not feel or think or deal with life ,that was my choice that was my decision Now that Pain is real and my Family needs me i have woken again ,I know I have the Guts and the Smarts to make it I never give up I will never give up Bad Mother fucker to the Bone my wishes and vibes prays go out to my Brother I know someone is looking over me I know he listens to me ,and if there's no one or nothing out there for us at least i try . and if I can go back I will Deserts Oceans no Mountain too high or too low will stop me. I refuse to give in to weakness that is not part of my DNA.

The Happies Night of My Life

Night can makes us crazy it can also makes us fall in love like I did 9 years ago my Wife Kendra would say is less years my track of time is not the best but I do remember the night we meet i was so low in life broken my best friend Deniz told me we must go out tonight a great Dj is playing it will help you so i agree best decision in my life i wore my best clothes my best shoes white dressing shoes I look and you look fabulous Mi Amor the dance floor was full and someone so lovely step on my shoe you felt terrible because shoe was dirty from you ,Can I clean your shoe i said no how about we have drink together you agree my time froze my heart felt alive again and all i wanted the night was to be with you learn from you i was not even able to listen to the music i love how you spoke to me how you look at me i never felt so alive again I guess that's what they call love at first sight i have felt it that makes me so lucky in life and im thankful the time pass i learn more about mi amor we spend lovely days together in cheese man park Colorado we hug we love the passion was so furious we eat drank life was good but over time I fail into my demons you learn more about my past and pain it hurt us both i try to fix but I was never strong enough i was not mature enough as you thought i would be .we broke up many times we fail in love many times the best for us was to be alone in the Indian Springs us in warm water swimming our past and lifes a way to wake up to a new day a new adventure,the days went by we try to make a family we did our best you did your best always i'm always mile behind you I never knew why I could get it I lose it all I fail in to a hole of liquor and anger I push away my wife my love and i deserve to live with that one day it was enough for me i was ready to die and join my father and the after life so i believe but you save my life by calling the police . I knew where i was going jail then immigration even tho i push you away my love can back talk to me on the phone everyday you feed me you dress me you gave me as much you could in the Darkest of places you are always my star my light in the dark i have fail many times and my Wife has always been there for me Love is real and i been blind stock in my mind my body ,mind ask for you but i'm not ready for you i want us to be the best i want you to see me at my best like you are always the best for me . we forget where we come from we forget the beauty we have around us i can not feel alone anymore i know she loves me i know love is real it was always with me in prison shes always with me even if i fail even tho i have hurt her shes there how or what can you call that Love or perhaps is pettiness to me ?is a question i ask i have not seen her or touch her in more then a year my love is real my love keeps me going is my fuel to my life I have to believe in something to be who i am if not whats the point of life if i don't believe if i don't feel ,did i ask for this did any of us ask for it we just do it life for some can be the best at some point when we know we are love the emotion the feeling of being taking care the warm knowledge i like to call it how to keep it how not to fail is the pure image of our selfs keeping the love cannot be hard if we take care of ourself not beeing a Assshole also helps if not how can you say you done something for one another we can't we must do what we can not we must be the best we can be if we fail we try again to be with the one we love if all fails we try again to be with the one person the one we like to call my RIDE AND DIE

THE BEST MORING IN MY LIFE

Today I learn my brother has the power and the will to live more than I do some days in life we don't want this anymore we do not want to live when life is telling us to live this Adventure has more than we can imagine it never ends knowing my brother has woken up from a Coma knowing im okay and healthy makes it all worth it if not how can I be who I am. I have try many times to take my own life to be free from pain to be free from my brain but something or someone keeps me here it does not want me to go and even when I hurt myself the most my will to live shine on ,I wish and I don't wish to give up we try we do our best to do so when at the end we see the answers we need after all the pain all the suffering we become stronger we become who we must be I want to be the sun I want to be a flower i want to add and not take ,I want to be organic positive like earth and life become a Bee become what I cannot see or know just to live just to be something i know I can't be makes me want to live even more the challenge is on and I won't fail perhaps now in my life after being around Mexico and my people I have learn something I forgot and now i know how to live happy I found it again and I won't let it go is my emotion is my soul and if I ever die I will fight to keep that emotion why because is mine and is worth more than gold more then anything for me. I do not know what happens when we die but I do know that I must be my best until the time comes. I do not wish for it or want it for anyone . but is something we all must do is the must natural thing in life as Ms. Jewels shes old and full of wisdom every time I have feel weak i recharge from the old they know more than us they have live it and they are okay with it I want to be the way I will be the way living life as we should is a Honor being okay with life while knowing one day all goes away but at the end we have the courage to do so .

CHIAPAS MEXICO SAN CRISTOBALITO .

This is my land my people this where I was build and made to live, you can smell the freedom and peace so many people women have my eyes my eyes of pain and sorrow and yet we fight to make it better no one can stop the people no one can stop who we are and what we can all do the food the culture and what's around me is the best I have Taste in all my life, my Mothers food is great but this brings me home with my Mother here in Chiapas we all fight together

I have learn im not alone and everyone wants to help me become better I breathe and live this culture my culture I have become humble again if you could see what I have seen this world would be so gentle last night a Italian punk try to fight me I smile and walk away like a man no more fights no more pain I need to take care of this body and soul my brain is coming to peace with me I know now how to fight it and it will not win my brain is the gate to all and knows it all but I do not wish to know it all nor I think I know it all is how I feel about my self my power life and how I want to live. the taste of power to live is so sweet and powerful I wish everyone knew .how it feels to be really free even when pain comes and life changes we endure and survive even when the sun not shines and the night has no moon even when it rains and it's cold life inside me, it goes on i'm in my last straw i have use all my luck I have endure and enjoy life and at the end i'm yet to make any money or to find a job I have meet a lot of people travelers writers Artis all kind people traveling really makes you stronger it gives you more knowledge it give you a ticker skin it makes you not fear some have fear is a normal feeling of life, everyday Im here I see and learn more now that I'm drug free I can enjoy life even more my last Demon to fight is my Drinking but it helps me Sleep helps me forget that I wont see my family for along time or my Wife everyone is afraid of Covid I have gotten so sick and I survive alone perhaps god does not want me to die I have more to live and learn more people to help over time I know I will learn how to become a better man I have too I'm in the process is a hard and painful life but I know I have control over it . Last night I learn the Darkness of Mexico and a reminder of why i never wanted to be here or live here the abuse and exploitation of kids of Pure souls why live this way why the kids in the first place Man or Women thats does that for as last night I want to kill them destroy them use their skin as a Jacked but I also touch the underworld now they know me and they also know I have no Fear of them just because my knife was not big enough and they had a Machete I ran to live and not have more scars in my body I have to always remind myself of why i'm writing this book that brings me to tears i have to live I have to be strong and be more careful to try not to help the hole world or people or animals I refuse to protect people or animals that will bring me more harm and trouble then the one I already know . What's the point of life to have kids and bring them to this world and to have your essence live forever or to help others and die doing so ? I learn that emotion now and is my puzzle to figure out I know I can make it better because I do not fail I can only die or make this life of mine better I will be a Human of Light and experience I will be so good that people will fear me I know now i can because im Mexican and we never give up The world can end the system will end and we will always tribe because we know how to live with nothing and when someone loves us we do are best for them we can be anything the world calls us but we are one .

What will this world Become .

How do you think this world will turn out a this home boy said to me well I hope it all end in a Flash of light and we all wake up in a new world because this one has no balls no courage just weak humans who enjoy life with no respect to others until some one checks them and tells them whats up and at the end the most strong backs out. this is Mexico in America no one has the balls to fight hand to hand or they only use a gun weak people also in the line of combat I will destroy you before you think of destroying me in my land you are feed for sharks ,Lions like me lurking in the Light and Dark waiting for you to fuck up .all this pain has put me in a place where I can take stupid people or shit anymore and if you think you have it and you can kill me so be it lets do it lets dance until one of us die and I hope you do you best because I always do my best to Destroy you I have yet to destroy my biggest enemy my biggest battle is my self and I always lose I dont loose the war just battles .

And sometimes i get beat up destroy by other kids other people who are more hungry then me but thats how it is thats how life is and i cant do much about it and take it like the man the lion i have become is not a choice is not something i choice to do or be is how life has been with me i never lose the things i love the most i carry one and do and so on im over my pain my weakness my sorrow am all those things in one.and more show me more pain i can handle it whats the worst death like my brother my father everyone i love everyone lives the same pain and at the end no of us cant escape it we all are part of this big party .

I want more of this life i dont want to die like everyone i now really enjoy life and i think i will keep saying that until i really believe it and now im getting there i can see the light in the other side all of this PAIN will make me better stronger sharper and more humble i have learn to smile at the fave of fear and death and all it comes with the worst why because i can and i do i have to carry on and never stop that is all this book this internal help for me is the biggest goal i have in my simple life and i will finish it even if all is fuck up i did it i try mother fuckers .

APPLY YOUR FEELING

TO

REALITY

If the sky is Blue and pure and Brown eyes and close to honey why this world is not pure like water in a river that never stops and always flow ,if i only knew what i know now before i hurt my self more then anyone can ever hurt my self i would be a pure person who knows the value of a small grain of salt or sugar we all are the same we all see the same colors but we choice to see black and white for what ?what do we hold on to what makes us think we know we want to be better healthy smarter better looking for us or for others this is something we all know and hear about but is it something we really want for us deep inside of us not in or bodies but in our souls we know whats right and wrong we know what we really want but this world has close our actions thoughts minds ,but yet we tribe were others dare to enter or see why because we are more then anything has ever told us look what we all have made around us and what others before us have made for us and we never stop we conteniu to improve in the work of others to create something that perhaps others dont believe and that does not stop us from doing what we like and what we want running and walking driving being stock in a car traffic traveling it never ends or we think it does and we find a island we find a country far from what we think is are home but the truth is that we never have a home we are our home we are everything .

We are one when we are all in the cell we become family ones we smell fresh air is everyone for its own self no one trust no body as it should be is hard to make friends and keep in touch this second time i did time so i had a higher level of Respect i always maintain my cell clean and neat i was one who others follow

i never wanted none but at the end is not something you imagen or want it is what it is

and if you fail you die just like life out side the cell. At the end we all follow that rule do we keep it up do we figure it out or do we become better don't we just keep doing the same until we meet love or death in some form is that the only way we do that to scapace the golden cell of life thats what we escape at the end a Adventure we have already Chosen we have become something that not even us have really think about we just keep changing we grow into something not even us can believe we just do. is the power of the universe in us if we pick it and ride with it like a long board and all fast and smooth and yes we all make mistakes and fall down from the longboard and we get up and keep going we don't stop we just do. is something we can all do but yet we dont do we just look away and live when life is fast but yet beautiful,

Life can also be slow and grateful full of all things that we can dream of or wish for and ones we have them is are choice to keep them or to think if we even want them is it worth it to lose your freedom ?you liberty of doing anything you please and some of it is not even about a women or parties raves or beach parties or anything that great or awesome for some is not that is not any of that is you and you alone at the end love is for everyone you pick who i don't love everyone one i pick carefully i don't want to be hurt or get sick by someone i look for those that have the desire to live and want more of them self with out fear they accept good and the bad the move forward with out caring .i was able to see my family and talk to them i learn more i learn that all is okay nothing i should worry about since the start of this is been awhile today is 2-6-2022 .

Yes time has gone by i lost my older brother covid took him away. It is sad to know that inside a hospital in America he got covid .the universe only knows at the end we all die no one scapes from it .

We all go and even know we know that life is not for ever we do our best not for us but for others is stupid when people think only about them self when life needs more then just us and our families we should all just be one like a happy hostel in Oaxaca ,or Chiapas no one knows anyone we just all meet and yet we all enjoy our company and everything we have to offer for days at end with little or nothing we all enjoy our lives .

Thanks to my travels i have become someone i never knew i could be or become now i have stories to tell even more then before but now they mean so much more then before they have become something that i never dream off is time to share them is time to talk about my new life and not my past this is how you become you without knowing The Adventure of Life my Adventure yes i have done and have undone many things even my wife by now my older brother has past my brothers my younger brothers everyone is alright kicking ass as they should be and will always be doing . that what i teach them i teach them how not to give up like my father taught me why because is in our blood not to give up we don't know does words no or i can't .

Either way life is great here in Chiapas i know i said i would never come back to this shit hole but i'm here i have to be here is cheap plus you live in the edge well for me i do i have to .

AND I WAKE UP ANGRY AND FULL OF PAIN

Why i cant not take a shit in peace in the morning why do i think of the times i used to work with my father and deal with all that has to to do with being a fucking immigrant is been so long and yet i still get so angry remembering the Malaka Greek Old dude scream at my dad make the food faster while i wash dishes why do I get angry because I was working under age and I should be sleeping or because my dad was being Jail at fuck the mother fucker who yell at my dad Pain and hate you eat and cant let go or wish bad or can you ?

What can i learn from this shit of life more shit more killing more death more suffering more pain give it to me let me have it universe and when i ask to sky for forgiveness am still here living stock with all of us now i dont feel as alone i feel as one this pain that make us one more then zero the one that made this Reality for us who could that be those people voters like you vote for and because they tell you to vote you go and vote you have and id a paper that tells you who you are where are you from and so on how can this be when we are more then ZEROs why we let this happen am tired of writing of pain and all the shit i live day by day yet i dont fucking quit fuck your COVID AND VACCINES and yes thank you doctors for helping me with my Colonitis now i can fucking eat a meal enjoy what everyone takes for granted even when the shit has happen but i know i will survive like the rest of us people like me who had seen death and yet death does not want us or a Goverment or a Country or People our on Culture this is a Book for us the Immigrants the ones that everyone forgets but yet we all come from i know many books have been made like this one before that talk about the Struggle in all our lifes in all our life times and yet we keep writing about it and we do nothing when the whole world not you ZEROs is Beuitiful even Mexico Chiapas Oaxaca all the South of Mexico who needs the North Of America Really lol I miss Colorado with all my Hearth and Soul God Knows Big Brother Knows and yet am here and haven that anyone Legal alone sick of life in Colorado can visit see enjoy for a Apple and Egg all Organic HAHAHAHA WHOLE FOODS this is REAL FOOD !!! Chiapas is a place where I know the ZEROs will never get . why ? and why ill tell you why This is Mexico the Land of Pain since a baby knows how to carry a apple or water is useful for work and there for they work and they are the best more then 90% of all the world Wishes to have this type of work force and Attitude age 5 or less . ones you are older you can do anywork you like . I see this everyday .I give zero Fucks about people in my age line like me I Respect the Old and the Kids why the Old because they know something that will keep me alive thats why they are old here,in the Blue World and Kids because kids never tell lies and is our Fault they are here Suffering reading this shit .i cry everytime I write this .is so Hard to try to put into words all I have lived I never wanted to live this long but yet am here and Thats why I Kick my own Ass to Write to PUT MY PAIN INTO WORDS No Medication Drug Sex Alcohol anything helps me more then telling you my Story I know is hard to follow but to put it all in one day or in one book it does not do Justice not for me but for my People us Mexican’s the First Generation Los Primeros not you ICE AKA GEO 3rth Generation who found nothing but hate to you in Higchool or College you can Speak all the English you want but at the end you are Mexican like me and to call you part of us is not fair and to call you AMERICAN does not help either Why I KNOW GOOD AMERICANS I KNOW AMERICA you are worst then us Immigrants OVERWEIGHT UNHEALTHY EVERYTHING THAT YOU DONT WANT TO BE IN LIFE IS GEO ICE TRAITORS OF YOUR OWN BLOOD CHICANOS CHINGADOS . To see your own stab you after we give you life is like killing your own Mother . I don’t need to know or see your eyes I can smell your kind that’s your own work on us. We Became Smarter Sharper and we learn that this Blue World, you Call Earth is Beautiful and there's many places you can hide and run but KARMA WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL PAY !!! How can you go to Sleep for me knowing that. And knowing KARAMA is FUCKING REAL is nothing but a Sweet Night .

El O

The Zero aka O is the person the human that kills destroys this world like my own self the Zero is something more then we can even think the Zero keeps destroying our world the pain the suffering the death wishes to be awaken re born to come to this world to destroy it the Zero has teach us how to ravage rampage in the flesh of others theres no hell this is it thanks to the zero the smallest and most evil shit comes from them those you vote from those you call your leaders they will eat you assholes of life to call them shit is to give them a name they do not deserve it not worth it even to think of them but i do because i fucking hate them with all my soul now i learn what it means to hate someone to hate something you can call me anything you like i know pain like you do why why we keep letting the zeros take all from us when we are the one that feeds them give them the world ,the rich and the poor why call them rich why they call us poor when the poor has more soul then the rich we have more life then money thats what makes us poor we have pain ,pain for me is knowing i cant do a fucking think when i see a kid asking for money or selling me a candy for what why the fuck he has to do that why we are all fucking grown ass people and yet we fucking can help a kid feed the world but we have everything else Mars the Moon but yet no fucking Human has focus on one fucking thing us the kids of the world mother fuckers stupid big stupid assholes is what we are i dont give money to the poor i give them food and knowledge my knowledge that one day will lead you to the hole world being one against the zero we will be 1 all of us against a fucking fat number . the zero show us where we come from what we are thanks to them we know where we come from what we can do all the 000000000 s hang out and live in life with other zeros doing what leaving knowing what secrets we all know nothing is free we all have paid the price to know what we know thanks to them if i could only tell you one thing is that we are better then a sun or a star or a universe we are the best we are 1 .

PAIN AND LIGHT

I want to tell you something there’s no 1 to 10 level of pain .don't ever ask that in a hospital or if you are in fire drop and roll lol ask that to someone whos on fire we cant never know what level of pain we all carry or have mentally our in or souls for me i want to heal the pain in my soul I know my soul is eternal my esense me is for ever we all are but are brains get mix with all we know or teach us we dont understand what else we can do we just live knowing lies if we can just teach truth and kill all the lies of life life will be clean and clear we dont think as 1 yet but one day we will and when that happens we will all be happy and we will teach love and hate rage and sorrow so everyone knows what life is with out any of those feeling we would not know what we are were we come from perhaps we are in a loop where life is just stuck in a circle of infinity a train that never ends a forever ride if we could only see more then the circle and know we come from the most high of the highest of all .we dont need to think of the end as the end when the light can be a good friend you got to meet in a awesome party a rave a place you never knew you would be for me that was Apogia aka Colorado Burning Man got to meet the best human this world has made a person who makes things right and works in the best and makes the best why because he is pure honest and not full of bull shit he helps with little or nothing with all he can give when he can give there for I learn from him how to be how to become someone who can be more then just a person who lives and is around life is for the living and there for nothing never ends I have meet and learn evil pain witch craft good and evil women people who sometimes take the little you have left of a soul or will for what to be follow them into there dreams because your whole life has been shit and all around you is shit is that why I liked them ,something i follow or wish to be around control a will to be something different be someone who thinks it has money power looks beauty houses land hahaha owns the fucking world thats full of shit we are fucking worms that yet get to feel a little of life love .

IT DOES NOT END

I don't think I have words to explain what I have endure For the past years Living with women that think they own the world when indeed no one not even man can own anything or anyone

Living with a none alcoholic is equal to living with a Alcoholic they both are crazy in someway some how ,there no peace theres no love just a struggle of power a struggle of ego .

Living and giving it sounds easy and all but is not we believe what they want us to believe as equal of what we can feel I wish I knew that before I wish I could understand why us Mexicans can be so Toxic so violent against us the ones we love to our own blood Its not perhaps for many but for some could be all good and life is just great worry free I have always wish and hope for peace live in a normal life but even now is not possible Im getting older and everyone I know is far away many years until I can hug my Mother Brothers Friends , many years but I know my self and I wont give up I will go back and find a way to go back Home to my mother to my family what will i do there who knows is it worth it.

Crazy or not the Fernanda was there for me .

She help me when I was in the dark funny how I meet her looking for someone strong in soul and life I was able to find what my mind had in it I was able to prove what my father always said what you think you create.

Give life and let life be life Being there in the house with her was like being in a mental hospital again I know she was trying and she perhaps knew I was going to leave some day something I needed something I needed to Change and keep my life going years of doing nothing years of pain of the same Drink after Drink Pain and more pain sorrow and more sorrow I have become as numb and strong as the Metal as a Rock as Nothing that can feel and only endures now I know I can burn the Fire if it Burns me now I know I can no matter where or how ..

This reality keeps fucking with me when all I want is peace the same thing everyone agrees to have enjoy and have endure something that is great the beauty of a son a daughter someone who make like some type of version of you but is just like a AI something you develop and grow and make better like your tinder or facebook things that change my world and the way i see things if you have been following the music how piss off and sick

THE NEW LIGHT THE NEW AWAKENING

Now Im positive now I feel alive now I can understand why I don't fear Because I love mySelf too much to fear over time I will learn more about my Self im so happy that I found Angels in the form of Humans they came to me because I ask the havens for help .because I wanted to change improve be positive find myself again but now the better side the light side of me I learn that love comes in many forms and evil also comes from love I have help everyone and now everyone is helping me because I stay in the positive side of life I don't let people lose I don't let people doubt themselves I have become a LION a WHITE SHARK a EAGLE I have recover everything that I thought I lost I feel just like When I was young I can do anything now because I finally love myself I stay focus now that I have two goals in my life and thats for me to be a Motivatinal speaker and to Buy my Mother a house with my work I was lucky to find a nice job that helps people older folks does who no one cares and forgets not me I want to help everyone I can Thats my mission in life and I wont fail I wont let my self go back and to the person I was before I know I can do it I know I will succeed because now im Living .

I have to fight life I have to do anything I can so I can be the best in this world I can see more then others I can be sharper than others and People see I can do anything is this world I focus I do I have to continue no matter what is easy to make it happen if I put my mind into it I will finish my book I will accomplish what im set to do with no mercy and kindness I will achieve what I have to do I dont need a writer or any to help me do what I have do is easy I hace achieve the most amazing goal to finally beat my alcohol problem I will Acomplish more then the rest I will make more then anyone else I will be more rich then anyone I will become a motivational speaker I will help everyone who want to be help I have been help so many times is time to turn it around and help everyone I have found how to be humble Eficas no more fucking around

My attitude will take me There I will show the world that you can do anything with the right set of mind I will master my Brain I will accomplish more Then anyone before me I know I CAN AND I WILL GET IT DONE .

NEGATIVE VS POSITIVE

We all know we have good and bad inside of us its a matter of time until we can make better things in our life’s is mental how people want to always bring you down and make you feel bad when you are doing so well not many people know how to love them selfs I know is hard it was so hard for me but now That I love my self I can feel alot better about anything nothing really hurst maybe for a few hours tops a day but overall is nothing anymore Because I know am in the right way am in the right path of life am not perfect I do my best to accomplish something not everyone accepts that when you are in the Positive path things happen when you are thankful good or bad thats how life is I have travel now all the way to Merida yucatan I learn how expensive life can be and even when you want to have a good job theres always something that holds you back even when you want to be good or do good is always something if it is not money is something else even your own family can sometimes hold you back even when you are doing your best not everyone has money now at days but I know my family can help me but they dont they always want me to do my best with little or nothing since they know I can do it I dont know how to give up I learn that from my father no one else never give up even if you have 100 people destroying you body your life even if you jump into fire you dont give up ,if funny how the mafia always finds me here in Mexico they always wants me to work for them But I quickly learn who they are and what they want thanks to my father I learn to say no and thank you I dont want my life to be easy I love challenges and I do my best when am under pressure I dont know how I do it it most be by the grace of god thank you God .

I have found today a home a place where I can star over and nothing will stop me from doing so I will endure I will do really my best people can see who the fuck I am how dare some one to stop me I wish I can meet someone with the power police and who else fucking women always try to stop me from doing my best I will build places I will make the best that no one can ever even fucking know I will make it happen who can stop me please …Life is for the living and I will show them women lol women really you girls want to be the best when we have been around longer then what is call a women we are born from the best of the best our Mother what is a women or a man is something that no one will ever fucking know we live with feelings and Idias of life and how things happen thats who we are simple monkeys of life who think we can make shit happen really fuck we can do even more then what we are told or what we can do we do are best all the time for what to learn to be something we never like thats who we are simple machines who are told what to do

And I have to endure the pain of others while everyone is okay and turn there back on you is that fair is that okay how can I continue know this world is worst then shit I wish I could change it but hey fucker you cant is how it goes endure this cunt of life no one ask me to be here but yet I do it and and I continue to do so I wish I can tell you more but everything hurts family friends home life just being here fucking sucks is not the place is me am the fucking monster trying to keep everything together who the fuck I am lol thats why people lose there minds when they find out the bad inside them and so on but not me fuck you all I will stay here and kick your ass thats what I was born to do and I will continue to do so everyone needs a kick in the ass like I have ask

Life goes on and im still part of it how did I achieve to do so I dont know I still learn more and suffer more but now suffering and enduring come with lessons that now I keep close at hand Life is more simple and less painful in some ways my inside my emotions my shit life is coming to peace some how some way its not easy but so far it has been or it feels like it will see how long it last some way or another I will see the other side of the shit I have build and endure not all is so bad I have meet great people in my travels always it warms my heart to know that the world is not so fucking bad theres good people out there some how some way there are good fucking people and I would kill or die for any of them .but ones again is the hostel life everything comes and goes nothing is for ever .

And Life goes on even tho we can think we enjoy anything is it up or down we just go for it as life has teach me in life is wrong or bad good who cares anymore we just do is how it goes I wish someone knew and perhaps they all know how it is but no body ever says anything is how I have live this bich of life and I will endure it anyhow

Is how I should do it do I wonder or care if I will do it.