Jude's philosophy is something you've never heard of.
Jude has been alive on this planet for 19 years, swifting through it with lies.
Lies and Deception.
He often looked himself in the mirror, feeling estranged from himself. He would often cry, feeling like his life was a lie. He would be with someone and still feel alone. He could be having the happiest moment of his life, but it still left him shallow inside.
He never revealed his soul to anyone. No one was trustworthy to share the weight of his solitude. So he locked himself up from the inside. He shut the door on life, but as existence allowed it, life knocked on this door every day.
You see, Jude was alone, but never lonely. He had people who cared for him first - his family, of course.
His mom was a beautiful woman in her 40s. For Jude, she glowed like the sun in his life. She was the only light source that didn't seem out of range. She took care of him all her life. It was kind of the only thing she knew. She felt happy knowing her son was there. Hearing his voice was the best part of her day. Whenever she asked him how he was doing, Jude would reply with a smile.
'Oh mom, it's the best!'
As he would say these words, his body would clench itself, indicating that these words come with no meaning. He would stand there like a ghost.
His mother at this time would usually give a normal response like, That's my son. But there were a few days when she could see his soul.
'Oh, my poor boy'
She cried, knowing that her son isn't what he shows, but as he grew, she tried to push these feelings down. She would come to regret not listening to her inner thoughts.
Jude's dad was an honest and strong man. These words summed him up pretty well. He went to his job, came back home with a smile on his face, and asked his son about his day. Jude would give an answer that would satisfy his dad. His dad cared about the family in his own way; just for him to do that, he had to be away from the family too, strange to the issues he had in his office, just like the case with him and his son.
The toughest nut to crack was Jude's sister. She lived far away in another country. So it was easy for Jude to lie to her, right? Apparently not. You see, it was difficult for Jude to even talk to her. He didn't feel worthy enough to converse with her. She was everything for Jude; he just couldn't tell her that enough. Since his childhood, she has always been there for him, but as the curse of time struck and she grew older, she had to move. Jude cut all ties with her except for a few calls here, and even then, his sister could still read him easily. She looked through him like glass.
'Hey, you are good, right? Do you need some money, you know, for college life? You know you can always talk to me about anything, right? Said his sister.
'Of course, Di, you are the best!' Jude would say
Jude had friends too - some people he could rely on, people who were family to him. They, as any good friend, would be with him at his lowest and also clap for him at his best. Jude knew all about them too, so it was easy to lie. They would intervene endlessly in his personal life.
'Man, you really need a girlfriend; maybe she could talk me up with her friends too,' they said.
'Yeah, man, that would be awesome; it's pretty easy; actually, I just don't have the time for that yet' said Jude, turning them down.
For moments in his life, they were onto him about who he said he was. But as good friends, they trusted each other to tell the truth. Jude felt sorry for every trip and every phone call he had with them.
Every living second, when Jude would breathe in these lies, he felt worthless. He had a lot to offer the world. Everybody does. He did have people who never let his hand go when he felt like he was falling off a cliff. Everybody should have such people. Everybody deserves love, right? Jude had read a lot of books; he knew that life was a gift. It's beautiful just to wake up and breathe, right? It's great to have people who care about you, right? It's not a sin to breathe the same air as these people do, right?
If only he could have seen it that way.
He felt ashamed of his existence. His life was a living testimony to how you can never know the true nature of anyone. He didn't like that. The people who loved him didn't deserve that. He felt it was his responsibility to take care of it. So, Jude finished the job that his feelings were already doing.
"I will never lie to them again."
The final lie Jude ever told as he would never talk to them again, he shot himself. His heart was made of diamond only if he could see it as such but his eyes could only see a stone. His body, just a slight colder than usual, lied in his room, where he spent most and the final moments of his life. He could have been saved by others, but he himself would always finish the job, as the only one who never liked him was Jude himself.
