The Last Goodbye
By Susanne Howitt
There is a chill in the air, a cold that tickles my skin and makes me shiver. The cold is not just physical, it creeps into my bones and awakens memories that I would rather bury.
The church stands in front of me. Its tired exterior is upsetting, because this is where I was supposed to get married.
That day was full of hope and promise, the exact opposite of the decay I see now. We were going to make vows and support each other in everything, but the deceit has worn her down, just like the weathered stones of this chapel.
I'm not sure why I am here, but I know this is where I need to be.
#
As I enter, the stale smell of burnt wood fills my nose. Dusty pews line the aisle, their once polished timber now charred and splintered. The stained glass windows are still beautiful, but blackened with soot and reflecting faint colours on the damaged stone floor.
As if by magic, the candles come to life, and then I see her - a figure sitting on a seat, her beauty astonishing me.
She sits with her back to me, bathed in the soft evening light that falls through the window panes. I feel like my heart should skip a beat, but it doesn't. And yet the sight of her fills me with a bittersweet hope. "Crimson," my voice is almost inaudible in the silent sanctuary. "Is it you?"
She doesn't answer my call, so I try again. This time she turns her head slightly to confirm my existence.
Her eyes meet mine. "Daniel?" Her response is as soft as a whisper. "How... you can't be here?" A look of fear crosses her face, her breathing quickens as if she's overwhelmed to see me.
She wraps her arms tightly around herself. Her eyes dart from one dim spot to another.
Shadows hover in the corners like figures, as if ghosts were at play. She stands up and takes a small step back, as if my appearance triggers an emotional reaction that she wants to avoid.
The silence between us is heavy, perhaps she has unanswered questions. Her hands are trembling at her sides.
"I didn't think you'd come." The words escape me with quivering lips.
"My dreams, you are in them. And the butterfly. I had to come back." She opens her palm and shows me the blue butterfly pendant she lost in this exact spot on this exact day a year ago.
"This place holds so many memories for us, and I hoped being here could help us find a way back to each other." I wait with bated breath for her answer.
Her gaze softens, but the pain is still there. "It's impossible." Crimson averts her eyes and runs her fingers over the edge of her chin. "You're? Is it you?"
"Yes, it's me, Crim."
"That's not right, Daniel. I should not be here."
"Please stay - listen to what I have to say." My pleading stems from my need for her.
"Why? Memories are all we have left. There's a bridge between us." She takes another step back. She moves further away.
My guilt grows heavier with each step I take towards her. Each step is a thought of a journey through the year we've spent apart. A storm of emotions rages in my head - regret for the time lost, hope for what could still be and fear for the future. When I reach her, our shared history overwhelms me and leaves me breathless.
My hand instinctively reaches out to caress her face. "I've missed you. I'm heartbroken."
She flinches as if my touch disturbs her. Her eyes close for a moment. "I miss you too." Crimson smiles, the ghost of a smile that tugs at her emotions. "But... I wasn't the one who betrayed us." Her voice trails off.
#
Her presence is a welcome comfort in the cold, empty church. My mind is a battlefield. Though I long to close the gap that the year of separation has created between us, so much has changed.
The weaknesses that haunt me are broken promises, harsh words spoken in anger, and the countless times I chose self-indulgence over comfort. My selfishness always stood between us. Despite all this, she had agreed to marry me on 7 October 2022 - a day that feels incredibly special.
Every memory is a scar on my heart, a reminder of her love that I took for granted. I was too blinded by my own desires to see the pain I caused.
Now I stand here wondering if it's too late to make amends.
"My dear Crim, please accept my apology. I know I can't make up for what I've done, but you must forgive me. I will always be there for you if you need me. I adore you and always will."
"Daniel, your words are a little late." Her white, flowing dress falls beautifully, the fabric shifting with every slight movement. The delicate lace trim and fine embroidery are reminiscent of our wedding day. "You hurt me."
She reaches for my fingers but misses. Her hand is so supple that it glides past me.
Maybe redemption isn't out of reach. Maybe, just maybe, there is still a chance to heal the wounds and rebuild what has been broken.
In this sacred chapel, where the memory of our marriage vows is still alive, a spark of hope flickers within me.
Crimson's fragile figure steps away from the pew, her long blonde hair swaying like platinum-coloured silk with each step. As she moves towards the altar, her scent of orange blossom and vanilla fills the room with a mild aroma that I can not resist.
The soft rustle of her dress brushes across the old, dusty floor. She is immaculate, her aura shines brightly.
From a distance, I admire the play of light and shadow on her body, emphasising the delicate curves of her waist.
As Crimson reaches the altar, her gaze falls on the large wooden crucifix. The ornate details on its surface, once considered an exquisite object, are now obscured by deterioration.
Her gaze lingers on the cross, and I wonder if she is trying to find peace or strength. Is she here to draw a line between us, or perhaps to offer forgiveness and come back to me? The vagueness of her intentions makes me uneasy.
Every second that passes seems like an eternity as I wait on what she might say or do next.
As Crimson steps closer to the religious symbol, she shivers. She pauses, her fingers touching the damaged wood.
#
At this moment, images flood my mind - fragments of our wedding day swirling with the visions of a tragic accident separating me from her.
My skin tingles and I look at my body. I feel strange. It's as if the world around me is fading.
#
The sun was shining brightly that day, spreading a yellow glow over the entire ceremony.
Crimson walked down the aisle with a beaming smile, her eyes fixed on mine. The room was scented with roses, and the soft melody of a harp playing 'A Thousand Years - Christina Perri' played through the chapel, setting the mood.
But the joy was short-lived, the celebration was interrupted when a woman stepped forward. She broke the spell, her accent was firm, and she revealed: "I'm still sleeping with Daniel, and have been for a year."
Just a few hours ago, I was so alive, my happiness radiating through the sanctuary as Crimson was about to be with me forever.
When the other woman shoved me, I bumped into a side table filled with candles. It toppled over in a split second, causing chaos.
The smile on Crimson's face was broken. She turned to me, searching my eyes for denial. The room held its breath, flames flared and smoke filled the air.
My foot was caught between two pews and I slipped. Before my eyes was the blue butterfly. I clutched it as I lost consciousness.
Panicked screams, desperate haste and the crushing weight of helplessness still ring in my ears before my existence left me.
#
Now, as I stand here, the shattering realisation that my desire has cost me my life.
"Daniel..." she clears her throat.
I stare at her, clinging to what little light I have left. My throat is tight. "I have been here, Crim. All the time - haven't I?"
"What do you mean?"
When I look into her eyes, they shimmer with tears.
Suddenly, the church changes around us, revealing itself in the bright, cheerful colours of our wedding day. She sees it too. As the dazzling colours surround us, she blinks in disbelief. The once gloomy church is transformed into a bright spectacle of red, blue and yellow tones.
She takes a hesitant step towards me, her gaze drifting from the floral arrangements to the twinkling fairy lights above us. Our friends and family laugh and warm the air with love.
"What's going on here? Please make it stop." A tear rolls off her cheek. Maybe it's a combination of joy and confusion. She clutches her chest, trying to comprehend the sudden change around us.
My voice falters as I sigh. "I'm tied to this place, to you, because I have never found closure. Until now, I didn't realise I was dead. I know what needs to happen."
Crimson lowers her head.
"I never wanted this." I confess, shaking with regret. "The thought of what could have been has haunted me every moment since. I wish I could take it all back to give you the life you deserve."
The images of love fade and are replaced by the dusty reality of the church once more.
With trembling fingers, I hold out my hand and apologise. The words come to my lips like a desperate plea. "Thank you for being so special to me. I love you very much. But I know I can't hold back anymore. It's time to face it."
"Face what, Daniel?" Her voice is fragile and cuts through the heaviness between us.
"You need to forgive me," each word thunders with my confession. "So we can move on. And I can find peace."
Like a stone sinking in water, I feel her anger.
"And what about me?" She gulps and sighs. "Do you really expect me to move on after everything that's happened and what you have done? I have no faith left in my heart."
"But you have to let go." Desperation creeps into my voice.
Her gaze hardens and I can see the pain on her face. "I don't think I can help you, Daniel." She chuckles and closes her eyes, just for a second. "Even though you are dead, you are still a selfish person. You may find peace, if I let you go, but your betrayal killed me in a way I can't forgive. That's why I will not find closure."
Crimson's words stab at me, each syllable a dagger digging deeper into my chest. The realisation hits me: her refusal to excuse my behaviour means my soul is chained here, trapped in this limbo of sorrow. And her dreams mocked forever. "Then we are both lost."
As she leaves, the air grows colder. The church turns into a crypt. Once it was our refuge, a place of love and hope, but now it is torn apart.
The darkness catches up with me as I stand alone, surrounded by my own thoughts.
She pauses at the door and looks over her shoulder. I can almost hear her heart breaking.
"Goodbye, Daniel."
