Winston Churchill did say that "If you're going through hell, keep going". But I guess I was just too weak to carry such weight on my shoulders. Especially at that age. I did what I had to do...but not for my own benefit. But there are some days when I just sit in this small and cold cube without even a single window and think "was it worth it?
But would you blame me?
I was thirteen when she left me, from that age until now I still believe that one day she would walk through that door with my Barbie doll like she promised. But what was so important for her to even have to leave me with all unbearable burden at that age? I was young to be a parent for Christ's sake! I was young to be caring for an old man who couldn't even bath by himself. I was young to be waking up each and every morning and cook for my little siblings also, so that they do not go to school hungry.
It was more like I was living in the future, it was too much for me. I woke up every unlucky morning of 2022 and went to search for jobs...at thirteen years! For the whole year, I never did get one...who would hire a tiny thirteen year old girl whose feet do not touch the floor when I sit on a chair?
So for the whole year, we survived luckily by the help of our neighbours. But people do get tired too of feeding two families. So the time came when I had to stand up for me and my family.
I had to be a maid, cleaning other people's houses and doing their laundry for my family to sleep with full bellies. Do you know how painful it is to wash the laundry and clean the room of the person who was once your classmate. The person who's seeing life the way you should've been seeing it? It wasn't easy...but for my family I had to do it.
As time went on, the old man who's obviously my grandfather's illness got worse. He required me not only to bathe him, but to also...he was soiling his pants!
I felt my life changing from miserable to worse, I couldn't even go out and hustle for my little siblings. I had to be feeding the old man, bathing him and caring for his soiling problem. I had no time of my own. With such burden, I stopped working as a maid and started my own small business of selling sandwiches. Sadly, no one would buy a sandwich made by a little girl who always goes in to change her grandfather's diaper.
Things were hard, very hard since then. Until one of my "caring" neighbours came over one day and with a solution. Just when I think of it...if only I could turn back the clock and fix my mistakes.
"Jessica, you've been struggling for so long and without a mother. You're too young to be in this situation. But money will not be a problem only if you think right about this. Your grandfather, he's old can't you see? His days of life are over. And besides, what's the worth of waking up if you cannot even do nothing yourself? This old man is dying soon Jessica, so I suggest you join our society. We offer ten thousand in rands if you have a funeral and also grocery, that way you and your siblings can survive for a while. I'll pay your entrance fee Jessica just join it. Please"
I thought about it, ten thousand? That's a lot of money! So I agreed to join their society even though I didn't understand the rules of it. All I wanted was peace, at least time for myself you see. Days passed, days turned into weeks, from weeks to months and from months to two full years and the old man was still hanging.
Even my little siblings were tired of eating Mopani Worms everyday of every week, so I wanted to change the situation. You may call me evil yes but I had no choice. I couldn't watch my little siblings as they starve while I live. So the night of a very cold Friday, I decided to speed things up.
It was a one room house and we all were sleeping in it. So I woke up and blew the candle with the cold air and darkness occupied. I wanted no one to see such "activity".
I sneaked carefully over to grandfather's mattress with my grey pillow and covered his face with it. I suffocated the old man! After I've done it, I silently cried for about an hour sitting next to his corpse. And then the next morning, the little ones woke up before me that day, well I was awakened by Florina's scream.
"Grandpa isn't waking up! She shouted.
I had to act as surprised as them, so I called the neighbours for assistance. Although I felt that what I did was extremely wrong, I reached out to the society and informed them.
People, I'm not a bad person. I just did what I had to do to save my siblings. My parcels were brought to me the next day, and I gave it all to Michael who comes second to my mother after me. I had my own plans, I knew that I was not going to use the money.
So instead, even if no one saw me doing that activity, I still carried the guilt. I had to make things right. And I did.
At the day of the funeral, when it was my turn to give a speech, I stood there in the middle near the coffin and took a deep breath before I confessed "I did it, I'm the one who killed the old man".
The community was shocked and couldn't believe, but I bet now they believe because I've been in Juvenile for a very long time. I know it's not right to take someone's life, but I couldn't let my siblings starve.
