The bright Sunday afternoon in June was making me feel sick. I had been preparing myself for today and it was all in vain. My best friend from high school, Shruiti had reached out to me the other day about a get-together of our high school batch. Generally, I would refuse such meetings but there were some very good friends I haven't seen in years coming to this event and I had to agree. However, only last night I found out, he would also be there.
He, Aiden, the person I had the biggest crush on for years. I could never get over him properly. Every time life gets busy and I forget about him. A few months later I find myself thinking of him, when listening to a song, walking by a book stall, or just wishing at the stars. I was going to see him in person after 10 years, exactly 10 years. I still remember the first time I saw him. Well, I had been seeing him for ages, we were in the same class in 4th grade and even before that I kind of saw him around school but the year I started having a crush on him is what I like to remember as seeing him for the first time properly. Him walking into our 9th grade class with his hands in his pocket, a black rain jacket on his school uniform and a careless smile on his face as he talked with his friend alongside him.
I feel like I am still there, a 14 yr old sitting on the desk behind his desk. Spending hours and hours of watching him, trying not to get caught. He wasn't the star of the class, but whenever anyone paid attention to him they would realize he was a star. Needless to say he was popular with the girls and I remember at least 2 girlfriends in all those high school years and hearing about multiple girls liking him. We never ran in the same circles. I was the academically ambitious, never truant type girl. He was always out of class for football, for guitar practice, for annual day, etc. I admired him from afar and that was it.
10 years later, from his socials I knew this much that he hadn't changed. He was still the carefree guy with his football, guitar, who travels a lot now. I also didn't change, after graduating with a Computer Engineering degree, I now am ambitious at my workplace. Despite knowing this opposite lives we live, I still stalk him sometimes to see what he is up to. I still think of the little conversations we exchanged in 9th grade. Him congratulating me on a assembly speech I had given and me congratulating him on his football victory. Him trying to scare me that I might fail a subject while also predicting the exact marks I got (which was 15/20). Him consoling me when HE was the one who failed! Saying "there's a first for everything".
I don't know if he could tell back then that I liked him, but almost every girl in class liked him. So I know it wouldn't make a difference to him. However, at that time I could never imagine the crush I had on him would stay with me through the years. So here I am today, a part of me feels I am nervous for nothing. He would barely notice me there yet I am nervous because what if seeing him opens a can of worms again and this time I don't know how worse the impact would be.
I had prepared myself for this. Every tip from every therapist on regulating emotions was practiced. Meditation, expressing emotions by writing out imaginary letter, taking walks, nourishing the body properly, talking it out with a friend, everything was done. So I confidently walked into the restaurant, there I am led straight to the table where there already are 10 people and I know 15 more are to arrive. Saloni gets up to greet me, I wave at Tanisha and smile at James, feels like a different universe when these faces were part of my every day. I notice he is not here yet, Shruiti gets me caught up with all the latest news she heard from everyone. Who is engaged, who moved to Australia and who is travelling the world for work. I saw you walk in, with a friend and flashes of the first time began. You hugged a few friends, smiled at others and took a seat. I focused on the ones near me and was talking about how much life has changed when I saw Aiden and his friends walk near to meet Simran.
Aiden looked at me, "Is it Sasha? I barely recognized you, how are you?"
He stretched out his hand, I shook it.
"I'm good, how are you Aiden?"
"Good Good, you have changed so much, no longer the two folded braid eh?"
I smiled and said, "Yes, it got out of fashion you see".
He chuckled and asked "What are you doing these days?".
"I work as a software engineer at S&P Global, what about you?"
"Suits your topper image huh, well for me.." he shrugged "I did a degree in travelling and now the world is my workplace".
I smiled, that is such a poetic answer, just as I expected of him.
"See you around" he smiled and went back to his friend.
It went well I told myself. Now I just need to get through the meal and it will all be back to normal. We all ordered our food and I enjoyed my time. Then one by one everyone was leaving, I didn't have any plans after this so I waited till the last one from the girls I know left. Shruiti left early as she had to meet her boyfriend later. Saloni was leaving with her boyfriend who was here so I was to leave alone. I book an Uber and wave a goodbye to all in general and walk outside.
As I was waiting outside, I saw Aiden walk out without his friends. He stands next to me, "Are you going by the eastern express highway?"
"Yes" I mumble.
"Mind if I join you? am going that way too".
"Not at all, cab will be here in a minute".
We waited in silence and soon enough were in the cab together. My mind was in panic mode, this was very unplanned and I hope there isn't much that happens. He looks at me and says, "Sasha, I remember you being so uptight about lectures but still so humble and helping everyone with homework. I can see you still help instantly, glad to know that hasn't changed".
"Well, you will have to find out to be sure of that" I grinned.
He smiled and continued, "You remember in 9th grade when you became class monitor, I think that semester we were not seated close by and we lost touch after that." I remembered it all too well, I had taken the oath of class monitor staring straight at him, hoping it would impress him or he would congratulate me or something, anything, man I was so desperate. "Yes, I guess so" I replied calmly.
"You were good at all subjects but I remember you liking English particularly well. Why didn't you go in that direction for further studies and career?" I didn't know he noticed my likes and dislikes back then. "Well, science had a stronger pull I guess. Besides, back then I was focused on learning the toughest subjects and English was more of a heart thing for me than a head. Reading is still my top hobby though. What happened to your guitar skills, I remember you taught yourself to play the guitar and with your singer friends I though you would enter in music." "I guess we are kind of the same. I still strum the strings for my heart but my work is travelling as there is so much to explore than just combinations of the same 12 notes."
I fell silent again. My stop was first so I got out my purse to pay and he didn't let me but when I insisted, he took the money. I kept my purse back in the bag, but while getting out I tripped and almost fell, dropping my bag. I was face palming myself internally while he helped me pick it up and then with a simple thanks I quickly left.
Not so bad, I thought to myself. Way too soon for that because I get a text from him at 10 pm the same day. "Can we meet for coffee tomorrow after your work?". I was confused, there was nothing that had happened that would result in this. This was bad, I cannot do this, a silly 10 yr old crush that is just in me cannot make me feel this! I text him saying no, it won't be possible I have other plans. I didn't want to ask why he wanted to meet because I wasn't prepared to hear the reason. He doesn't reply and I don't know what to do and just fall asleep after hours of overthinking it.
Monday evening as I walk out of work, I see Aiden at the reception. My reaction should have been confused, angry, scared... anything, anything but a smile!! But I smiled! Before I could process that I was smiling and stop it, he saw me and said "Sorry, I shouldn't have come after you said you were busy but I wanted to talk to you for just a few minutes. We can talk as you travel to your next plans."
I had no words, I just said "sure, um.." I couldn't come up with what plan, what place. He must have realized it and he said "Maybe we walk to the nearest bus stop".
We walked in silence, I could see him fidgeting and it was very unlike him. I was now curious, a man with such a free spirit and open laugh and with a 'who-cares-what-the-world-cares' was near me being nervous!?
I was starting to get worried when it suddenly started pouring from the sky, he held my hand as if it was the most natural thing to do and with a quick "let's run" he pulled me along and we did a quick sprint to the bus stop. Half drenched and out of breath, I looked at him with confused eyes. "I never knew I meant so much to you. You were quiet a wonder back then and I would love to know the you now if you would wanna know the me now".
For a minute I thought I heard it wrong, was I imagining it, is he talking of what I think he is talking of, how could this be, what is happening!!
"What do you mean?"
"I read the letter, sorry..I found it on the ground after u picked the bag..I was gonna return it but it was crumpled and seemed like you were gonna throw it. So I saw just to check if it was something important and saw my name and couldn't stop myself from reading it."
I was mortified. He read the letter. The LETTER! It wasn't meant for anyone's eyes, it was so I could feel better. I start to hope this is a dream.
"Don't worry Sasha, it was really sweet and very generous of you to think of a backbencher student so highly while being a topper." His eyes are shining as he is trying to comfort me when I have written an uncomfortable letter to him!
"Please don't take it so seriously, it is just a silly thing from ages ago and with the get-together it all came back to me.." I try to brush it off as best as I could but he cut me off.
"It's alright, I kind of have had a hunch you had a passing crush on me back then. I am surprised it was so genuine and pure. I know it is kind of rushing it but maybe we could try to get to know each other more. You can think over this. I know our likes, dislikes, the way we wanna live our lives and many more things are vastly different but I do think the spring in the clock of our heart that keeps us ticking is the same. I knew it back in school but we didn't have much in common to interact, after reading your letter, the way you saw those days, the things you noticed. I really wanna know your opinion on everything now. Let's just get to know each other and if our differences are too much we get to stay as friends knowing each other more and if we find that we are on the same rhythm then we can write our life's music together. What do you say?"