(I)

I am still in shock. I definitely did not see that coming. It was unexpected and I still think about her to this day. Truly believing that I could have any woman I wanted really did do a number on how I treated them. I cared about women feelings, but not enough to not do them wrong. If one woman wanted to stop seeing me, that was cool. I didn't get mad; I'd just go get another woman the same day. In some cases, I was already seeing other women anyway, so it really didn't matter. I have eight kids by six different women. I have lied to and cheated on most of those women. It's crazy how one woman could change my whole perception of women.

(II)

My first girlfriend, Krystle, and I were high school sweethearts. After we graduated, she became clingier. She always wanted to spend the night or talk on the phone. And she would get mad when I didn't respond back quick enough. Once we graduated, her parents gave her a lot more freedom, so therefore, she was always around.

One year after high school, I tried to break up with her.

"Hey bae. I need to talk to you about something," I said.

"Me too! I'm pregnant! Isn't this exciting?" she screamed.

My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. I was surprised and I really wanted to cry. As my heart was racing, she was in so much joy.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked.

"I... wanted...to...talk to you...about starting our family," I said nervously.

She was so excited, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She literally just told me that she was pregnant. How could I? I didn't know what to say but that's what came out.

But in the end, we didn't work out though. I cheated on her with this woman I had met at the gym. Her name was Rhonda. She needed a spotter. I know I should have said no but she was so beautiful, and I just knew I had to have her. I started seeing her quite frequently and about two months into our relationship, I brought her back home one night while Krystle was supposed to be staying the night at her sister's, Justine, house. The baby shower was at Justine's house the very next day and Krystle wanted to already be there to help coordinate set-up.

We made our way back to the bedroom, like we did a few times before, and we began kissing and taking each other's clothes off. The vibe was right, and I was having so much fun with this woman.

"Close your eyes," I said to her.

She closed her eyes, and I started kissing her neck. I gently pulled her hair so that her head would tilt backwards. My hands grabbed her booty and picked her up so that her legs would wrap around me. As we are still kissing, I lay her on the bed. I'm into the moment and I am ready to proceed with action, but I randomly started to hear whimpering. I lift my head up and I'm like, "what is that?".

I looked over by the door and there Krystle was, crying. I immediately hopped off Rhonda and was just stunned for words. I just stood there with this stupid look on my face. This was not a situation I had been in before, so I didn't exactly know how to handle it. I was caught off guard and was not prepared to explain to Krystle what she had just seen. I am not going to lie, the situation was pretty self-explanatory. I didn't even hear her come into the house. She just cried and cried and eventually she just turned and walked out of the house.

I ended up losing Rhonda that night as well because even though she knew about Krystle and I did tell Rhonda that I was planning on breaking up with Krystle, what I didn't tell her was the fact that Krystle was also pregnant. So, Rhonda was mad because even when I did break up with Krystle, she was still going to be around. Now, she wasn't the first woman I cheated on Krystle with, but she was the first woman I had got caught with. Most of them were one-night stands, and if it was an amazing night, two-night stands. But with Rhonda, I felt some type of connection and I wanted to see where it led.

Krystle had the baby two months later, a boy, Floyd. I tried reconciling things with Krystle, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I cannot say she made the wrong decision.

(III)

The relationships I had after Krystle were all come and go. I met Sasha on social media. She was perfect as far as dating because she also had a kid, a daughter. Months prior, I realized a lot of women are not fans of men with kids, especially when they don't have any themselves. We clicked almost immediately and my new life with her began. A year later, she got pregnant with our son, Emmanuel, and a year after he was born, she got pregnant again with our second son, DeAngelo. Everything was fine until Sasha became controlling and overbearing. Once the kids started school, she kind of lost her mind. She wanted to be so involved and that was fine, but she also wanted me to be involved just as much as she was, and I just was not that kind of guy. She began nagging me about hanging out with the other dads at school and getting to know everyone. It just wasn't my thing, and she did not like it. After a while, I ended things because she evolved into telling me how to raise the boys and would scream at me, every time I tried to discipline them. She became too much, and I had to walk away.

Diamond was a one night stand I attempted to make work because she got pregnant that night. We met at a club and afterwards, we went back to her place. We had a good time and then I left the next morning before she woke up. The plan was to never see this woman again. But three months later, she found out where I worked and came to my job. She was pregnant and claimed the baby was mine. After the baby was born, I got a DNA test, and the baby was definitely mine. She had my first daughter, Ember. I believe Diamond had the baby out of spite because I gave her such a hard time. I wasn't supportive and I did deny the baby at first.

I even had one of my girlfriends get taken from me by one of my ex-girlfriends. Sage was the type of girl that would insult you out of anger. Whenever we got into an argument, she would say things to try to break down my ego. Therefore, I matched her energy, as far as the insults. Whatever she had to say, I always had an even nastier comeback and that would make her even madder. When things ended with her, I started dating Baylee. I thought Baylee was a rider. She was the type that would do anything I asked her to do. No questions. No hesitations. One day, I'm riding up the street, passing the local restaurant and through the window, I see Baylee and Sage tongues down each other's throats. I almost crashed my car. I'm like, "Whoa!". I pulled into the restaurant and went directly to them.

"Man, what is this?", I asked.

My appearance caught Baylee off guard, but Sage was not surprised at all. She knew exactly what she was doing.

"Rico, I... I", Baylee stuttered as she stood up.

"So what, you doing her now?", I asked with an attitude.

Now I know most men would be happy that their woman is into women. I am one of those men. However, the only reason I was so mad was because the other woman was SAGE! The most toxic woman I have ever met. I just couldn't believe she eased her way back into my life. I thought I was never going to have to see that woman ever again. When things ended with her, my whole soul just felt relieved. I felt free.

"I'm sorry, Rico. Everything happened so suddenly. She called your phone one day when you were in the shower, and I answered. After she told me who she was and the things you both went through while you were together, I wanted to hear her perspective on some things.", Baylee answered.

"One thing led to another," she continued, "and we started dating. I just feel like we understand each other, and I like having her around."

What was I listening to? Was she really saying this to me....about Sage? Are we looking at the same woman? Because the way Baylee was describing Sage and saying all these nice things about her, that's not the Sage I dated. Sage was just sitting there the whole time with this smirk on her face. I was so pissed off and to keep from furthering the scene I had already created, I just turned around and walked away.

(IV)

Being single sure was fun. Things were thrilling and easy. No hard feelings, just fun. I met Janessa while I was at a friend of mine's house. I was walking out the door when I saw her walking up the street. She looked so good. I got her number and we talked for about two weeks before we got intimate. But after that, she ghosted me. I reached out to her by calling and texting her, but I received zero response. It messed me up because I had never been ghosted before. I'm usually the one that does the ghosting. And then, on top of that, I thought we had a great night! So, it really blew my mind on why the communication between us stopped. But I guess that's my karma because Lord knows I have ghosted my fair share of women.

But Celeste, in particular, I had to ghost. At first, I was messing around with Celeste and her bestfriend, Farrah (which I did not originally know), but once Farrah found out, she was not happy about it. Celeste was cool and wanted to continue to hang out. Everything was going well until one night, we were at a party, and she saw this girl dancing on me.

"Get off my man!", Celeste said as she grabbed the girl's arm to pull her away from me.

"Whoa", I said, "I am not her man. We just hang out sometimes".

"So you invited me to this party, but we are not together!?", she asked.

"We are just having fun. You know that", I said.

She got mad and left the party. I didn't really care and instead of going home with Celeste, I went home with the girl that was dancing on me. I honestly don't even remember the girl's name, but there was no reason for Celeste to be getting in her feelings. She knew our relationship was casual and just sex. Yes, she was fun and sexy, but she wasn't really the one I wanted to make my wife. And might I point out, she was dancing on other guys at that party as well. She reached out a few times after that night, but I felt like that night killed our vibe. I tried letting her down easy, but she insisted that we would be so good for each other and even when I got a little more aggressive with her, she still was not backing off. She was clearly getting her feelings involved and that was not the direction I wanted to go in. It was easier to ghost her because taking no for an answer wasn't her strong suit.

One night, I brought this woman named Hollie back to my house. Now, I knew I was not going to pursue any type of romantic relationship with this woman by the end of our night. Yeah, she was a sweetheart and was cool with whatever, but, overall, she was boring, didn't provide much conversation. She was extremely cute though, so I was eager to take her clothes off. After about a week, I told her that I wasn't looking for the kind of relationship she was looking for. She was so sad, but she was a nice girl, and the type of guy I was, I would have destroyed that woman's whole perception of love, of men, and of life. I wasn't going to do that to her.

Desi was my homegirl I just messed around with from time to time. She had three daughters and was all about her business. I also got her pregnant by accident. She even considered terminating the pregnancy, but after noticing all the boys I had, she figured this could be her chance to finally have her son. She, also, initially didn't want to keep the pregnancy because she loved the relationship we had and that we both were so cool with each other. We didn't expect anything from one another, but we knew we had each other's backs. She did get what she wanted, and I had another son, Reuben.

(V)

Ultimately, Robyn was the one who made me realize I never wanted to hurt another woman ever again. I met Robyn coming out of the grocery store when she flagged me down, asking for help with her car. Her battery died, and she wanted to know if I had any jumper cables. I helped her out and told her to call me anytime. She was extremely beautiful, so I put the ball in her court. I told her to do with the number, what she will. She called me that same night. I will not lie, I was excited she called.

She got pregnant rather quickly. About six months later, she surprisingly got pregnant with fraternal twins, a boy, Issac, and a girl, Caysha. I have absolutely no idea how that happened. The baby shower is where I met most of her family, including her mother, Savannah. Her mother was drop dead gorgeous. She was one of those 54-year-old women who looked like she could be 34 years old and her and her daughter are often mistaken as sisters. I was stunned. Robyn looked at me funny because I began stuttering when I was speaking to Savannah, but I brushed it off like it was just first-time jitters from meeting her mother, especially since it was a little sooner than what I wanted.

About two years later, around 3am, I get this text message that shows a picture of some very nice female breast and a picture of a very nice, rounded female buttock. My eyes got so big, and I instantly got hard.

"Who is this?", I responded.

She responded, "You like what you see?".

"I do. Who is trying to get my attention?", I replied.

She replied, "Its Savannah", with the kiss emoji and the three drops of water emoji.

My eyes got even bigger.

"Yooooo! What is happening?!?!?!?!", I thought to myself.

"Savannah....as in Robyn moms?", I replied to the text, with the thinking emoji.

"Yes, and I want you so bad. I cannot hide it anymore. Come over," she responded.

I was in awe. This situation was a first for me and I will not lie, I felt like the man. Yes, there have been plenty of times where I may have dreamed about sleeping with Robyn's mother, but I never thought I'd be given the opportunity to actually sleep with her.

The timing of Savannah's text was perfect because, at the time, I worked a job where my shifts were overnights. So, I told a half-sleep Robyn that I was called into work and that I was leaving. She nodded and dozed back off. I left and made my way to Savannah house. I knocked on the door and I heard her say, "Its open". I opened the door and walked through and there she stood, with nothing on her body. My mouth completely dropped. She walked up to me and unzipped my pants. While looking up into my eyes, she pulled my penis out, then got on her knees and put my penis in her mouth. I could not believe this was really happening. For a moment, I really did forget about Robyn. We had sex all over Savannah's house that night and many more nights after that.

I couldn't stop myself. This was a brand new type of excitement. It was all fun and games until Savannah also got pregnant. What have I done? I thought I was safe with Savannah. There was no way this older woman was having any more kids. Or so I thought. Breaking the news to Robyn was so difficult. I didn't know where to begin or how to even approach her. And what made things even worse, Robyn was diagnosed with postpartum bipolar disorder. Having to deal with our growing twins, her emotions were all over the place. After Savannah was four months along, I just came right out and told Robyn about the affair I was having with her mother.

"MY MOTHER!", she yelled, "MY MOTHER IS PREGNANT!"

She stood there with her hands on her head, trying to process the information she had just heard.

"So, wait", she said, "that means my kids and I will have the same exact little brother or sister. Oh my God. I think I am going to be sick."

After that, she fell into a deeper depression, mentally and emotionally. She would not eat, and she barely slept. She also didn't leave the house for weeks. She wouldn't speak to me or her mother at all. That is when I knew it was over. There was no coming back from a decision like the one I made. I never wanted it to end with Robyn, but I was having a lot of fun with her mother. I gave her all the space she wanted after that.

I didn't see her again until after the birth of Savannah's baby, another boy, Omar. There were complications and the baby needed to stay in the hospital for a few weeks after birth. Robyn surprisingly came to the hospital to see the baby. She looked really dark and gloomy. I don't know. It was like the look on her face said she needed to see it to believe it. She just stood there, looking over the bassinet, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Probably noticing the great resemblance between the baby and I, or worse, the even greater resemblance between the baby and Issac. She shook her head and just walked away. I tried calling out to her and I even tried catching up to her, but she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. She just continued to walk away.

After about two weeks, I decided to stop by Robyn's house. At the end of the day, we still have two kids together and I will continue to be there for those two kids just like I'm there for the rest of my kids. I knocked and knocked but no one came to the door. She was definitely in there though. Her car was in the driveway, and I could hear her cellphone ringing from inside. I decided to twist the doorknob on the front door and surprisingly, it was open.

"Hello? Robyn? Kids?", I yelled as I slowly pushed back the door.

I went upstairs and saw that the bathroom door was closed but the light was on.

"Robyn. It's me. Your front door was open, so I just let myself in. You ohkay in there?", I said after I knocked.

She didn't respond. Something felt off. It was just too quiet. I started calling out for her.

"Robyn! Robyn! Robyn!", I'm yelling.

I panicked and felt like I had no other choice but to break the door down. My eyes were not prepared for what they were about to see. Three simple words: pills, blood, water. What. Have. I. Done.

Just from what I saw when I walked in the bathroom, an empty pill bottle sitting next to the sink and Robyn lying face down in the bathtub filled with water...mixed with a whole lot of blood. From the looks of it, she swallowed an unknown number of pills, split her wrist, and then sank in the bathtub. I immediately pulled her out of the water. Yeah. She was definitely dead. It looked like she had been in the water for two, maybe three days. My heart shattered. I cannot believe I found her like that. I called 9-1-1 and I waited for them to arrive and get the scene closed off before I called her mother. The police had found a note in the bedroom that proved this was a suicide.

"I tried living with the realization and acceptance of the fact that my mother and the love of my life were sleeping together, had a baby, and now, my children and I share the same sibling. I feel like I am burning inside. With everything that is running through my head, those thoughts of sadness turned into thoughts of anger. Every time I look at Issac, I could see "our" little brother walking around the house. I was so angry, I thought about killing him. But I love my son, how could I think that? After about a week, when the thoughts and the immense amount of internal pressure didn't stop, I knew I had to do something. It was going to be me or my son...so it had to be me. I don't want to hurt him, but I cannot stop these urges and impulses. I'm afraid if I do not remove myself from his life, he will always be in danger. I don't think I could ever be at peace with this situation, and I will not have my son pay for it.", the note said.

I could not believe what I was reading. She did this because of me. From that day forward, I vowed to never hurt another woman again in any type of way.

(VI)

Yeah. I no longer play with women hearts. I consider their feelings and I treat them with respect. That day will haunt me for the rest of my life. I helped two of my children lose their mother that day. I played a part in their mother taking her own life. I will admit that I was beyond angry because it was scary to think about the fact that I hurt her so deeply, it just could not outweigh the love she had for her kids. Why would she think they would be better off without her? Didn't she know they would be a lot safer in her arms? I take full responsibility for my actions and from this day forward, I am a different man.

"Robyn, I will never stop apologizing to you. You didn't have to die. Because of you, I will change into the man you wanted me to be. I now see what you meant. I just wish you could have showed me in a different light."