Trolls are just a legend, they say. No mountain could be a living being. But you, my dear reader, you’ll know the truth. If I was just a legend, I wouldn’t witness all the things that have happened, but I did—I saw them all. Everything started with my birth, 70 million years ago. I was born at that time when grass evolved; my mom named me Njal, meaning giant. As I was growing up, I really became gigantic—not in a good way, though. I guess it’s a curse she placed on me by naming me that. But I don’t blame her; she hoped I’d be like my dad—big and strong. I’m not really strong, but I’ve got a big heart, as she used to say.
Both of my parents died in an earthquake. I remember them very clearly, even though it was millions of years ago. Mountains don’t forget—whatever you carve in them will stay forever. My parents also stayed, just now they’re not alive; they’re just ordinary rocks.
Back to my story, though.
As the planet evolved, I did too. I grew quite a lot and even got some grass on my body. I really like the grass; I feel personally connected to it somehow. Grass is good, you know—animals eat it. Oh, right, animals! Dinosaurs were really cool—some of them were even bigger than me! I always liked observing their behavior; there was something so special about them. Humans say some of them were predators, but they never even tried to attack me.
Unfortunately, everything has an end—even life. So, one very bad day, Friday the 13th I believe, when I was just 4 million years old, an asteroid hit our blue planet. It caused big climate changes, and all of my dino friends died. Someone survived, though—it was birds. I think they just flew away, waited somewhere until it was over, and then came back. I’m not sure, though—I never asked them.
Anyway, 55 million years ago, when I was 15 million years old, something happened again. Something really bad and smelly—I call it “the biggest fart ever.” It was when more than a trillion tonnes of methane suddenly burst from the ocean. Many species in the sea, unfortunately, didn’t survive. I felt really bad when I had to witness yet another wave of animals dying, but I couldn’t do anything about it.
For another 25 million years, nothing happened—until 30 million years ago. The plants evolved C4 photosynthesis! Can you believe that?! I was very proud of them; it was a big step forward.
Another big step was when the Homo genus appeared in Africa 2.8 million years ago. I was already grown up, so I moved to Africa. I actually traveled quite a lot because of the lithospheric plates. I was really happy to be there when the first ancestors of humans appeared. Humans... I wish my parents were here. They’d totally like them as much as I do. Humans evolved in a really interesting way—I have to admit, they changed this planet a lot.
No humans know I exist, mainly because they never actually look around themselves. They climb on me and, for some reason, call me Toba? Apparently, I’m in Asia now. All humans do is build—they’re like ants, always building their little anthill. They’re really cool, though. Cooler than dinosaurs even, because they talk! I understand their language on a certain level, but I still really enjoy observing these small creatures. I like that they always find a way to build something new.
Sometimes I think humans are bad, but I don’t actually think they are. What bad things did they do? Humans love each other—that’s why there are so many of them, which means they have to keep building more houses, right? At least, I think that’s why.
I never really understood the concept of love, since I’ve never met another troll. Which is weird, but so is life. I’d like to meet a troll, but I don’t really think there are any. After all, I’ve traveled almost everywhere and never met one.
Back to humans. What I saw were many weird and unfortunate events that happened ever since they came to this planet. I’ll start with wars. There were many, many wars. Some of them were smaller, some bigger, but all of them ended well—at least, I think. I’m not sure why humans feel the need to fight. Apparently, it’s to get land, but if they want that they can just burn a forest, like they always do.
Humans also built something called borders, which is apparently to separate different countries from each other. I don’t know why they do that. Maybe it’s because of languages? Humans speak many different languages. However, I understand all of them at least a little.
Another thing humans do is drill, which means they take this black liquid that they call “oil.” I’m not sure what they need it for, but it looks important to them. I almost forgot to mention that most humans eat meat from animals. I don’t eat, so I don’t know how it tastes, but they all seem to like it.
By the way, it’s the year 2000. Also, a thing humans invented is time. I know I used it before when I was talking about my age and other things, but I thought there were only millions of years, not years themselves. Honestly, I can’t wait to see what the new year will bring!
A thing humans didn’t invent but totally made worse is climate change. Even though I’m just a really big rock, I can get hot too. Then my grass starts to be thirsty and dies. Every time grass around me starts dying, I feel part of me dying too—literally. I survived many earthquakes. Even though my parents didn’t, I did, and now, sometimes when the earth starts shaking, I get very scared that it’s my time to go too. I don’t want to, though. Some parts of me already fell, which is scary. I still need to see more wonderful things that humans do.
—25 years later, nothing for a 70-million-year-old troll—
It’s now the year 2025, and I have to say sorry. Big, big sorry to you all, because humans aren’t that fantastic after all. I learned today that your beautiful, billion-years-old planet is dying. I’ll explain why. Apparently, climate change is getting worse and worse. Humans burn forests, and then already rare species go extinct.
Even birds that survived the asteroid 66 million years ago are getting hit by planes now! Planes are big flying machines that pollute the air. The only reason we have planes is for humans to travel and buy things from different countries. China sells a lot of things—things made by kids and poor women. I don’t like that system. I also don’t like the wars that humans are fighting. Now I know that wars never end well for both sides—it’s always good just for one side. People die in wars, even innocent people!
Why are people fighting then? That’s a question I’d really like to ask them.
I always thought humans were interesting, great, lovely creatures, but they’re cruel. Humans kill and always want more. They also don’t like things that are different, so I have to stay hidden. They still drill oil, even though they realized it’s really, really bad. It makes a lot of money. Money is something humans like more than anything; they can buy anything with it.
Did I tell you about trash? Trash is everywhere nowadays. When they don’t have a trash can close, they just throw it on the ground! Unbelievable.
I wish I didn’t have more messed-up things to talk about, but unfortunately, I do. This thing is called “greenhouse gases.” The amount of these gases is getting bigger every year. The ozone layer, as they call it, protects the planet from UV light, so our planet wouldn’t get warmer. But these gases keep the warmth inside our atmosphere, and everything is bad. The oceans are getting warmer. Volcanoes are erupting.
I think it’s time to share with you that I, myself, am a volcano. I don’t want to erupt, though. I don’t want to leave my beautiful planet. But I have a feeling I’m close to the end...
As much as I love humans, they have hurt the best and most important thing to me ever: our beautiful, blue planet. This big floating rock has been through so much and always made it out. But as someone who’s seen quite a lot, I’m telling you that the planet won’t make it out of this.
I really liked telling you about the history of our planet, but I have to go now. The earth around me is shaking more than ever before—I just know the end is here.
I’m erupting—something that I never thought would happen. But humans came and ruined everything. I shouldn’t have been so stupid and stopped them sooner, because now I’ll explode, which will hurt not only me, but also the trees and animals around me. I don’t care about humans anymore. I have never felt so disappointed and betrayed.
I’m sorry.