Holding the blue envelope I stood there a bit shaken, with a strange feeling in my stomach as she handed it over to me, with a kind of diffused glow around her as if the sun`s rays were themselves bedazzled by her touch, and went on with a bag on one shoulder, a beautiful shine on her face and a smile on mine .A smile that would be ruined by the day`s end..........
Just as I was about to open the envelope, I stopped and asked myself the inevitable, "Why?"
A very good question that needed to be answered before I did anything. I reasoned myself out, "Why after an array of 135 deep and heart stringing letters did Miss Narayan give a reply now? Or was it even a reply. Surely it wasn`t. She had maintained her (what some may call) dignity (I call it brutal rigidity) and not broken her silence once then why now?"
I started to count the possibilities. Either she had a sudden change of mind and could see me through or she just wanted me to realize my limits and stop bothering her. The former one was less probable. Who am I bluffing, she would never change her mind, I had irritated her far too much for that.
There was always one thing that I had feared in my life, to be precise the "only one" thing. Failure in any and every field. And rejection from her was the worst and ugliest form of it. So I decided not to read that letter. I wasn`t that strong of a person. The fact would perhaps shatter me. But I didn`t tear it, I wasn`t that weak either. The next day was my Physics exam and I had to study and study hard.
But half of my concentration was still on the envelope .After an hour I was feeling tormented by the even its presence. Even though I had not read it, it was affecting me, that too way deep down. That was an exhilarating sample of the aura that Miss Narayan carried about her. The very aura that made me call her "Miss Narayan".
Miss Narayan was not a very proud and haughty girl. But she could very well be one when she wanted to. With looks to die for, a revoltingly charming personality, a breathtaking attitude and with a million-dollar smile on her face, she had unknowingly dug a hole in which I had knowingly fallen. It was not a good thing I knew, but nonetheless a feeling that just could not be ignored in your most conscious state. None of my friends knew about this and I wanted it to stay that way. But it would be really amusing to see the looks on their faces when they would know. You see I am more of a geeky guy, with a somewhat irritating scientific approach towards everything. Something that she never liked and I despised the fact that I couldn`t change.
She was a girl of very fine taste, and I was not even half up to her standards. Even the idea of me and her was surprisingly absurd. But that was a fact that I didn`t choose to live with. I was hard bent on changing it. The problem was ....................it was harder!
Then one day, like a bolt from the blue it struck me ,"INTERNET". You see she was my neighbor and I always did have an opportunity to talk to her in the evenings. But for some godforsaken reason whenever she stood before me in person, my mind would go astray and I would start talking gibberish. So I started mailing her via the Internet. It was "the" perfect plan.
But she was a very hard nut to crack and perhaps the most difficult. After sending her 135 emails, not a single reply. That was shattering for a fifteen year old.
Now you would ask whether I am sure she received them? Well, I did have the guts to ask her," Did you get my message", every day.
To which I would get a monotonous and monosyllabic reply "Yes" and nothing more.
After having lost in my thoughts for more than about an hour I came back to my senses. The solitary blue envelope still lying there, burning me from the inside. So I finally decided to return it back to her for at least an hour of mental peace.
I went up to her house, rang the doorbell and stood waiting. My heart was pumping and my skin palpitating. She opened the door and dazzled me on the first sight. Even in a sweat shirt and a pair of jeans she looked unparalleled.
Stammering I told her," I am sorry I can`t read your letter."
She said, "Oh that`s not from me. A boy had come yesterday and your house was locked, so he gave it to my mom. I was just asked to pass it to you."
Cursing myself on my stupidity and with a sigh of relief I returned home. I was surprised on my own paranoia. With an air of confidence I opened the envelope, in the next few seconds the smile was erased of my face and closed my eyes for the next few. You see, I never cry, never ever(since 9th grade to be honest). And it was then that I realized what it felt when you lost, lost very badly, perhaps never even to compete again.
I smiled. She was a very smart girl, perhaps even the smartest I will ever meet.
She had lied. The letter read: Read carefully and comply.
Let me make one thing very clear, I don`t like you and I never will. You realize we can`t be friends any more. You crossed the limit, so if you have any self-respect left kindly don`t show up and stop sending me those emails.
I didn`t sleep that night.
The next day I topped the physics test. I had been studying. Some people drink, some cry, others smoke.
Well what can I say................................................... I study out of grief!
Even in her refusal she had an impact on me. That was the power Miss Narayan had over me, her solitary blue envelope changed me, perhaps for the better and maybe someday she realizes this.
Who am I kidding, of course she won`t, she is just too perfect to...............
